What goes around comes around (Lily’s Story)

by Shaw, O. C

  We spend the rest of the night touching each other, kissing and making love. It’s as if I can’t get enough and need to store up as much physical contact with him as possible. We don’t sleep. At one point James asks me what my dreams are. I don’t know at first what he means.

  “For life, Lily, what do you want for yourself? What will make you happy? What do you want to achieve?”

  “I don’t know,” I’m ashamed to say. “I think it might be a bit late for me. I started at the gym because I was trying to change myself and my life, but beyond that I don’t know what else I can do.”

  “You can do anything you want to; it’s never too late,” he insists. “What did you want to do before you met Greg and fell pregnant?”

  I think about it for a moment before saying, “I was an English degree student; my dream was always to write, I suppose, but I never finished it.”

  “You could always go back to university to finish if you wanted to.”

  “No, it’s too late. I’d feel stupid with all the kids there. My own kids would be horrified,” I laugh.

  “Well, why don’t you just write?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You don’t have to have a degree to write. Just write something and see what happens. What have you got to lose? I bet you’ll be brilliant at it.”

  I think about it for a few moments. He’s right. There is no reason why I couldn’t just start to write something. It wouldn’t matter if it never got published if it gave me pleasure to do it. The more I think about it, the more excited I feel about the prospect.

  “So will you do it?” he prompts me.

  “I will!” I say shyly.

  “Good girl,” he says approvingly, giving me a big kiss that soon turns into a lot more.

  When the light begins to appear outside the windows I stand and watch while James takes a shower, a sense of dread beginning to fill me at the thought of our imminent separation. It’s too soon; I’ve only just found him, and now I have to let him go again. Worse, the time we’ve spent together has only served to emphasise what’s missing in the rest of my life. James must sense me emotionally pulling away from him when he comes back into the room, moving to where I stand to wrap his arms around me.

  “It will be okay,” he says.

  “How?”

  “I don’t know yet, but I just know this can’t be all we have. I need you too much.”

  I want to feel hopeful at his words, but I can’t see how. We both have our own worlds to go back to and get on with. This is just a beautiful bubble, and I need to accept that, as does he. I turn to face him, kiss him and then pull out of his arms.

  “I need to go back to my room. I need to be there before all the others get up,” I say sadly.

  “Lily, don’t act like this is finished, because it isn’t,” he insists.

  I can’t think what to say, can’t speak. In the end I just smile at him, my eyes full of sorrow, gather my clothes and slip out the door and back into my own room.

  It’s empty, as I expected. Annie must have spent the night with Stuart again. I’m glad; I didn’t want to have to explain. I run myself a bath and lie there soaking my body and trying to order my thoughts, but all I can think about is now I can’t smell him on my skin anymore – his musky scent combined with his shower gel that I so love. I’m a little sore down below, but it’s a good feeling. I know we should have used condoms. Although I’m still on the pill I have no doubt he has been with a number of other women. Somehow, though, the thought of his essence inside me is comforting, a small piece of him that I could keep as my own. I wash the makeup from my face but leave my hair straight, wondering what Greg will make of it when I get home.

  Greg, I know the thought of him should make me feel guilty, but I really don’t. I must be a really bad person, I think. This weekend has been a little selfish moment for me in a lifetime of service to my family, and I just couldn’t regret it, however I looked at it.

  I gather my belongings back into my pack and do what I can to assemble Annie’s, leaving her bag on the bed, and make my way downstairs to where others are beginning to gather.

  Stuart had told us we were planning to complete the walk today by lunchtime so that we could get on the road home relatively early and be back by early evening. It meant we needed to be off early, which, after a big night, is proving challenging to some people, judging by how few are around. I dump my pack by the coach and wander back into the kitchen to see what there is to eat. Two croissants, a glass of orange juice and a coffee later, I’m feeling like a new woman until James walks in to the kitchen with Stuart. His eyes go straight to mine, a look of pure intensity there that has my body responding instantly and my mind recalling moments of our time together. I lick my lips and swallow to moisten my suddenly dry mouth, while my hands grip the sides of my chair to stop my body automatically gravitating towards him. I try desperately not to keep looking at him as he gets himself some breakfast, focusing intently on my mug. When I eventually can’t resist any longer I look up from my coffee to find his gaze upon me again, except this time he looks pissed off. I can see a muscle twitching in his jaw and sense had we not been surrounded by other people, he would have been across the room in a flash. I stand up, wash my plate and cup and quickly leave the room. I need to gain a bit of space and perspective. Annie is wandering down with her bag as I reach the entrance hall. She looks beautiful but tired.

  “Good night?” I ask with a smile.

  “The best,” she says and smiles the smile of a woman who has enjoyed a night of great sex, winking, before looking right at me and asking, “You okay? You look different.”

  Trust her to notice.

  “I’m fine, just a bit tired. It was a late night.” This seems to satisfy her as she wanders off to find Stuart and a coffee. I stand there for a moment wondering where to put myself, as it’s too soon to get on the coach but I don’t want any more awkwardness. The sound of a fast-paced walk down the corridor behind me makes me turn, only to see James marching towards me. He grabs my hand and pulls me into one of the rooms, closing the door behind us. He pushes me up against the wall with his hands on either side of my body, trapping me.

  “Stop pushing me away, Lily,” is all he says before he kisses me possessively, his tongue pressing into my mouth, his body hard against mine. My lips are tender when he finally, reluctantly releases me. “This is not over,” he promises again before he opens the door to let me out. Most people are already in the entrance hall now, moving out towards the coach, and if they notice us emerging from the room together, no one says anything. As we join them, my head is in pieces: I’m befuddled from lack of sleep, that kiss and general confusion over how James seemed to think there was any way our relationship could continue beyond this beautiful weekend.

  ***********

  Somehow I complete the walk, although my limbs are aching from the previous two days’ walking as well as my night of passion and sleep deprivation. By general agreement the coach is quiet for the return journey as everyone takes separate rows to spread out and catch up on some sleep. The only break is a quick fifteen-minute one for toilets, but otherwise we just crack on, as everyone in the group appears keen to be home now. Everyone apart from me, it seems. I haven’t seen much of James all day except from a distance, which I can only consider is a good thing because I long to touch him and be held by him, my fingers continually returning to touch my lips in memory of that last kiss. I sleep almost the entire way back, so the journey passes all too quickly, with me waking just in time to text Emma and let her know what time we’re expecting to be back at the car park. I get a swift response:

  Can’t wait to see you and hear all about it babe, E x

  It begs the question, what the hell am I going to tell her? Even worse: What the hell am I going to tell Greg?

  Chapter 16

  As the coach approaches the car park, James suddenly gets up from his seat and comes to sit down beside me.

  “You a
rrived in a cab,” he says. “How are you getting home? Will he be here?” He looks and sounds angry.

  “No,” I say quickly, “my friend, Emma is picking me up.” I’m thankful for once that Greg is too thoughtless to come and collect me; it would not have been a good idea to have had Greg and James near each other while we were both so tired and emotions were running high.

  “Why? Couldn’t he be bothered?” James asks, his anger still evident. I don’t answer, as it won’t help anything even though it’s true. We don’t speak any more, just sit there side by side until he reaches down finally and takes hold of my hand, entwining his fingers with my own.

  People are collecting their things and making their way to the front as soon as the coach stops. I don’t even want to leave the seat, but eventually it’s unavoidable. The group spends a few minutes muttering farewells to each other, in that awkward way people do when they have formed new and close relationships but are now being watched by their old world and are suddenly feeling uncomfortable and unwilling to explain what transpired while they were away. I hug Stuart and thank him for making me go, promising to be in to the gym soon before turning to Annie and giving her an enormous hug too.

  “Keep in touch,” I plead.

  “Don’t be daft, you silly mare. Emma invited me to the pub tomorrow night, so you’ll see me tomorrow.”

  “Bloody Emma,” I mutter, looking over towards the pretty A3 I can see parked a short distance away, and she laughs, but secretly I’m pleased Annie is going to continue to be a part of my life, and she knows it. We give each other another brief hug before I turn to look at James, who I can sense is beside my shoulder.

  “I don’t know what to say,” I whisper, hoping my eyes can tell him what I want to say. He catches hold of my hands briefly and gives them a squeeze before reluctantly letting them go, finally saying, “Don’t forget to start writing.”

  I nod and shoulder my pack, turning quickly towards the waiting car while I still have the strength to walk away from him. Emma gets out as I approach, helps me put my bag in the boot and, sensing I need it, gives me a big hug. It’s sweet with her baby bump poking into me and I smile gratefully at her as we get into the car.

  “Nice motor,” I say smiling as we climb in. It still has that lovely new car smell.

  “I know,” she says, grinning, before looking more serious: “Is everything okay, Lil?”

  “Yeah, fine,” I say quickly, “just a bit tired – too much exercise and a long drive.” She seems to accept that as she puts the car into gear and slowly drives towards the exit.

  “Who’s that?” she suddenly asks. Just the impressed tone to her voice tells me she can only be talking about James. I turn to look towards where she’s pointing, and sure enough he’s standing there watching us. As we pass he raises his hand in a half wave. I try to smile, but it feels small and sad.

  “Just one of the group, James,” I say, by way of explanation before turning to look out my window so she doesn’t see the tears that are filling my eyes and threatening to spill out over my cheeks.

  “So, was it good? Are you glad you went?” she asks.

  I pull myself together to answer her. “Absolutely,” I say emphatically, “It was wonderful.”

  She turns and looks at me as if she can hear something in my voice.

  “Your hair looks great.”

  “Annie straightened it for me last night for the dinner. She made me promise I would buy myself a pair of straighteners to get rid of my frizz.”

  “I can see why; it looks loads longer. I wonder what Greg will think,” she says impishly.

  “I know! I bet he hates it,” I laugh. “By the way, you and Annie seem to have been doing lots of plotting behind my back, young lady,” I say with a mock-serious tone to my voice.

  She giggles. “I love her!” she says emphatically.

  “I know, me too,” I laugh. “I hear you’ve invited her to the pub tomorrow.”

  “You don’t mind, do you?” She sounds anxious for a moment.

  “Of course not. It’ll be fun.”

  “So you will be there?”

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “I don’t know, I was just worried how Greg will be with you having been away, I thought he might not let you go.”

  “Don’t be silly. Why would he do that?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Ignore me, I’m just being silly and worrying about nothing. I blame the hormones.” She has slowed the car to a stop outside the house and is peering at the windows anxiously. We both see the curtains twitch. He’s waiting for me.

  “Don’t get out,” I say to Emma, reaching for my door handle. “Thanks so much for picking me up, Em; you have a beautiful car.” I get out and go to get my pack from the boot. “Nice boot, by the way,” I call to her, “perfect for that buggy.” She smiles at me as I blow her a kiss and make my way up the path. It takes me a few seconds to find my key which has, as ever, migrated to the bottom of my bag, and then let myself in. When I do Greg is waiting in the hall.

  “Hi,” I say, trying to calm my racing heart. “How did it go with Adam? Did you have fun?”

  “It was alright. He’s settled fine now. He didn’t really want me there, though. I came back early.”

  “Oh, that’s a shame,” I say, although I’m not really surprised. “Was the drive okay?”

  “It was crap. I had a flat on the way back.” This isn’t sounding good.

  “How’s Ethan? Did the course go well?”

  “He’s fine. He passed okay, and he’s working tonight already.”

  “Well, that’s good.” That’s the pleasantries done, and I’m running out of things to say.

  “Whose car was that?”

  “What car?” I say, momentarily confused. “Oh, you mean Emma’s new car! She picked me up from the coach. Phil bought her a new car for when the baby comes because the other one was a bit small. She couldn’t fit a buggy in the boot.” I smile, but he doesn’t return it, so I pick up my pack and head up the stairs with it.

  When I get into the bedroom I start to sort the washing from the things that need to be put away. I’m slightly startled when Greg, who I hadn’t realised had followed me up to the room, suddenly says, “What have you done to your hair?”

  My hand rises up to touch it before I answer, “Oh, my roommate Annie had some straighteners. She insisted she show me what they can do, so she did and this is the result. Do you like it? She thinks I should get some; what do you think?” I’m aware my voice is sounding falsely bright – wrong somehow, forced.

  “I don’t really care. So what did you do?” His voice is so flat when he asks that my first thought is he knows I’m guilty about something, somehow he knows about me and James and is asking about it. Images of our night together flash through my mind. Then my logic clicks in and I realise he means what did we do on the trip generally. I realise he’s still waiting for me to answer him, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed across his chest.

  “Oh, you know, we walked up three different hills over the three days and managed to collect over £4000 for the little girl, Emily. The house was nice, I think it was Georgian or something, but it was big. The people were nice. We had a nice time.”

  “Sounds ‘nice’,” he says sarcastically. I ignore him.

  “It was,” I say a tad defensively as I finish putting my things away. “Look, I’m really tired; it was a long journey after an even longer walk this morning. I’m just going to have a shower and hit the sack. I’ll see you in the morning if you don’t mind,” I say, grabbing my wash bag and heading for the bathroom.

  As I stand there under the shower, letting the water run over my body, I pray he leaves me alone tonight. I can’t face the thought of sex with him. Not tonight, so soon after James. To my relief when I come out of the shower, Greg has gone back downstairs, I can’t hear the noise of the T.V. from the front room, so I assume he must have gone back out to the shed to paint as he sometimes does. I climb into my p
yjamas and get into bed quickly, turning out the lamp before pulling the covers up to my chin. When Greg finally comes to bed an hour or so later, I lie very still with my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep. I don’t relax until I eventually hear his breathing slow into the pattern of sleep, and even then it’s some time before I finally let my body relax enough to fall into unsettled dreams haunted by blue eyes.

  Chapter 17

  When I awake Greg is already up. It’s later than usual for me; my disrupted sleep seems to be impacting on my ability to wake up at the normal time. Ethan is still in bed, having got in late from work, so Greg and I sit in silence over the breakfast table as I quickly spoon my muesli down.

  Eventually I break the silence. “It’s Tuesday. I’m meant to be meeting Emma tonight at The Anchor.” Greg just looks at me for a moment before standing up and walking out the back door, making his way down to the shed again. It seems an odd reaction; I’m more used to managing his anger than this odd sort of silence. As I travel to work and sit behind reception, I try to fathom out what was niggling me about the exchange at breakfast. Eventually as I’m eating my sandwich, enjoying a rare moment of late autumn sunshine on the bench in the surgery garden, I finally realise what it was. He had looked sad. I’m so used to seeing him looking angry or disappointed that it’s not an emotion I’m used to seeing on his face. On the spur of the moment I send a text to Emma and Annie:

  Ladies, not going to be able to make it tonight. Really sorry. Can we do it next week instead? L x

  Emma is quickest to respond:

  Everything ok? E x

  I respond just as quickly:

  Yes, fine, just got a few things to catch up with.

  I’m touched by her concern. I don’t hear from Annie until much later: