Always Red

by Isabelle Ronin

  “I’ll just buy you a new one.”

  I closed my eyes and counted to ten. When that didn’t work, I started taking deep breaths.

  Okay, I mentally praised myself as my temper started to calm down a bit. Okay.

  Picking up his dress shirt, I put it on and hastily buttoned it closed—what was left of the buttons, anyway. I grabbed his dress pants next and threw them at him. The belt was still around the hoops of his pants, and it made a clunking sound as he caught them in his big, stupid hands.

  I wished it would hit him in the face instead.

  “Put those on,” I demanded. “I’m not going to have a discussion with you when you’re naked.”

  “You’ve definitely done more than discussing with me when I’m naked,” he challenged.

  My eyes widened in incredulity. Was he trying to provoke me?

  He appeared relaxed, but I knew he was still upset by the gleam in his eyes and the unspoken dare I heard in his tone.

  If I let my temper control me, I had a feeling I’d start screaming like an animal and we wouldn’t be able to discuss anything.

  That, or I might just kill him.

  I crossed my arms in front of me, leaned against the wall opposite him, and raised an eyebrow. I wouldn’t talk until he put those damned pants on.

  He smiled knowingly, never breaking our gaze as he discarded the pants, grabbed his boxers instead, and put those on. When he was done, he just leaned back against the wall again, staring at me.

  I stared back. I wasn’t going to be the first one to speak.

  Damned maturity.

  I knew the moment it stopped being a staring game. His eyes lost their spark, replaced by hurt and the unmistakable love he felt for me. I watched him push away from the wall and stalk toward me with purpose.

  He stood close, lifting his hand slowly, carefully, as if to caress my face. Suddenly, his green eyes filled with uncertainty, as if he was scared I would reject him, and then his hand dropped to his side.

  “I saw my dad at the party,” he whispered.

  His eyes lowered, and his long lashes cast shadows on his cheeks.

  “I didn’t know my mom invited him. Why would she? She hates his guts. He had his mistress with him. I think she’s younger than I am.” Disgust and shame colored his tone.

  “He brought her to this house where he raised his kids, where he built a life with my mom. What kind of person would do that?”

  His voice was hard, but it broke as he said, “What kind of father would do that?”

  I knew his pain, the torture he was feeling inside for a thoughtless, selfish parent he loved. If he hadn’t turned away at that moment to lean against the wall beside me, I would have reached out to hug him.

  “I was furious,” Caleb continued. “He makes me really angry, and my mind gets clouded with hate. I looked for you,” he continued, his voice so quiet that I could barely hear him.

  We were silent for a moment. A thousand thoughts and emotions flooded through me, and I didn’t know how to articulate them all to him. So I just stayed quiet and waited for him to speak again.

  “I knew you’d make it better, Red. You always make things better. But when I found you…I saw you there with him. With Damon. I heard what you were telling him, and it finally made sense why you were acting different tonight.”

  My eyes lowered, and I saw his hands ball into fists.

  “It didn’t help that he talks to you like he knows you really well. That he touches you with familiarity. That you allow him to be that close to you, to stand that close to you.

  “I know for a fact that I’m the only guy you allow to be that near to you. So please forgive me if I lose my mind when I see you giving him the same liberty. You’re mine. I don’t want anyone standing close to you that way.

  “My mind was already clouded with anger and hate for my dad, and seeing you with Damon, hearing you tell him what was bothering you tonight…I just lost it. He didn’t even ask you, Red. You just…told him willingly what I’ve been begging you to tell me…”

  My heart hurt.

  “I didn’t want to ruin your special day, Caleb,” I murmured quietly when he didn’t continue. “That’s why I didn’t tell you.”

  “I know that, but if you have any problems, I want to be the one you tell them to first. I want to be the one to fix them.”

  His hand slowly moved beside mine, our pinkie fingers touching. And then he looped his around mine. I turned my head to look up at him.

  My heart squeezed as I looked into Caleb’s green eyes. He was staring at me like I was the only girl in the world.

  “I crave you, and I can’t help it. I’m a terrible work in progress. I ask too much from you. I know this. But, Red, please don’t give up on me yet.”

  I felt my throat close up, and at last, he reached out and held my face in his hands.

  “I’m sorry, baby. Please…forgive me?”

  “Okay, Caleb,” I choked out. “I’m sorry. I should have told you.”

  Relief was evident in his face, the tension leaving his body as he relaxed and smiled.

  “Can I hold you now? Red? Can I be gentle now?”

  He opened his arms, and I stepped into them. He held me tenderly, holding me very close to him.

  “I hate it when we fight,” he murmured.

  “I know. But…”

  Gently, he grasped my shoulders and pulled me away from him, studying my face intently.

  “But what, Red?”

  “Don’t do that again. Don’t manhandle me like that, dragging me and ordering me around. I don’t like it.”

  He lowered his head in shame. “Did I scare you?”

  I pursed my lips for a moment. “No,” I replied honestly. “You didn’t scare me. I knew you’d never hurt me. Physically, I mean.”

  His head rose sharply, eyes horrified. “Never! No matter how furious I am, I would never—”

  “I know, Caleb. It’s okay. I know that. You made me really mad, and you…shocked me. I couldn’t believe that you were the same person saying those things to me, behaving that way.”

  His hands fell to his sides.

  “Red. I…” He looked at me helplessly, uncertainly, as if he was scared to touch me again.

  “I understand how one person can make you blind with anger so that you can’t see reason. I do get it, Caleb. But I don’t want you to use your strength to get what you want from me like that.”

  “I won’t. I promise I won’t.”

  Satisfied at the sincerity in his eyes and voice, I nodded. “Okay then.”

  “I would never hurt you.” He leaned toward me and kissed my forehead, my nose, and then my lips. “Wrap your arms around my neck.”

  He smiled, bending down as he scooped me in his arms. Even with the warning glint in his eyes, I squealed, wrapping my arms around him. He nudged the back door open with his foot, flicked a switch so the light flooded the room, and revealed a screen-covered porch.

  I realized that we must be in a cottage on the property. It was a large square room with a magnificent view of the lake. I noted the gray and white lounge chairs facing the wide windows, fishing gear hanging on the walls, a couple of mountain bikes stored to the side, and a mini-fridge beside a rough-looking table.

  I was expecting him to sit on one of the lounge chairs, but instead, he opened the porch door and carried me into the open.

  “Caleb, let’s go back inside. Someone might see us here. I’m not…decent.”

  His grin was quick and meaningful. “I know. Decent is the last thing on my mind right now.”

  Heat flooded my cheeks. When he saw my face, he let out a soft laugh. “I bet that’s the last thing you’re thinking too. Let me guess what’s on your mind. Hmm…let’s see,” he teased mercilessly.

  “No,” I squeaked
. “Don’t.”

  He laughed again. My arms tightened around him as he approached a hammock I hadn’t noticed before. Carefully, he settled us in the hammock and began to sway. He relaxed into it, pulling me against him and wrapping his arms around my torso. It felt so peaceful.

  I knew the outside world was just a stone’s throw away, but snuggling here with Caleb, his strong arms around me and the view of the calm lake and the dark horizon beyond, made me forget about everything else.

  “I wish I could just stay here with you,” I confessed softly.

  He laced our fingers together and kissed my temple. “Then we’ll stay here.”

  “Won’t they look for us?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t care. I’d rather be here with you.”

  I relaxed against him, but something he’d said earlier was bothering me.

  “Caleb?”

  “Hmm?”

  “I get it, you know.”

  “What?” he mumbled against my hair.

  “About your dad.”

  I felt him tense, and then he shrugged. I squeezed his hand to let him know it was okay if he didn’t want to talk about it. I knew how difficult it was to talk about something that affected you so deeply.

  He took a deep breath, lifted my hand to his mouth, and kissed it.

  “I know you do,” he acknowledged quietly. “He’s never going to change. I’ve accepted it, but that doesn’t make it easier.”

  “You still care.”

  He didn’t answer right away. But when he did, his voice was gruff. “Yeah. I do. I never told anyone that before. I even have a hard time admitting it to myself. Because…it doesn’t matter, does it? It’s not going to change anything.”

  I nodded. “It’s not going to bring him back or bring back what you had before. And that hurts.”

  “Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It helps that you get it, Red. I’m glad you’re here with me.”

  “Don’t beat yourself up for loving him, Caleb. He’s your dad. He was a big part of your life. Nothing’s going to change that. They say you choose the people you love. I guess most times that’s true, but sometimes, however hard you fight it, there’s no escape from it. It’s like a lifetime punishment.”

  I thought about how my mom never stopped loving my dad when she was alive. How I still loved my dad no matter how cruel he was to us, maybe because part of me was still clinging to the happy memories.

  “And maybe—even knowing it’s a punishment—we still choose it,” I went on. “I don’t know. What I know is that the pain you feel right now? Eventually it won’t hurt as much because…you learn to live with it. You learn not to let it eat you up or control you.” I kissed his cheek. “I’ll be here for you, Caleb.”

  “I love you, Red.”

  “I love you.”

  I leaned back against him again, and he gathered me close. I listened to his heartbeat, the sound of lapping waves in the lake, the playful dance of the wind in the trees. Even though the night had turned for the worst, it was ending perfectly.

  “Can you stay the night?” he asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Good. I have to go back to Regina on Tuesday, so we have all day tomorrow. I’ll take you wherever you like. We can even look at houses. I’ll call the real estate agent.”

  I bit my lip. “I can’t. I want to, but Kar needs me. I told Beth to come visit tomorrow so we can all hang out. It’s a girl’s night.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” He kissed my hair. “Can you tell me what happened at the shop? I heard you say there was a fire. Where were you?”

  My body tensed. “Kar and I were at the office when we heard shouting at the back,” I started. “We went out to check it when we heard a loud explosion.”

  I heard Caleb take a sharp breath, his arms tightening around me. “Are you all right?”

  I nodded. “I’m fine, Caleb. Really. Dylan pulled us out right away. The fire trucks came, the police, paramedics. But no one was hurt, thank God. Someone had seen a group of teenagers come out of the shop just before the explosion. They found an empty can of gasoline that they threw somewhere near the shop. The police have witnesses. It won’t be long now until the people who did it are caught.”

  “I’m just glad you weren’t hurt.” He sighed deeply. “Or anyone. That’s why you were late. I never… You should have called me.” He paused. “I can’t believe after you went through all that, you still came here. And I-I didn’t make it easy for you. I’m so sorry. I hope they catch those bastards,” he said heatedly. “Insurance will cover most of the damages, but they’re going to lose a lot of business while repairs are being done. They might need help. I’ll see what I can do.”

  My heart fluttered. “Kar will appreciate it.”

  “Maybe you should go with me to Regina. Work for me.”

  I froze. He said it so easily, so casually. Suddenly, I felt restless. Moving away from him, I rose and carefully walked close to the water. It was inky dark, with shadows and lights swimming inside it.

  I felt Caleb stand behind me. “Red? What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t want your money, Caleb.”

  “What the hell?”

  He grasped my shoulders and turned me to face him.

  “I’m not with you because you’re rich,” I explained, “or because you can give me all these…things.”

  He blew out a breath, studying me for a few seconds. Then a naughty smile appeared on his gorgeous face. “I know that already. You’re with me because I satisfy your every need.” His eyes glittered in the moonlight. “I also have the dreamy face and sex-god body to go with it. Why else would you be with me?”

  I choked out a laugh.

  “What is this really about?” he asked seriously.

  I sighed and moved away from him, turning to face the water again. I’d be more comfortable if he wasn’t looking at my face while I confessed to him.

  “Before I met you…” I began, feeling him stand beside me. He must have felt that I needed space because he didn’t reach for my hand like he usually would. “I’ve been alone for a while. I didn’t depend on anyone but myself. You know this already.”

  He nodded.

  “Most of my life, I depended on…other people to provide for me. But when I started working, it made me feel good. I didn’t feel helpless anymore, because I knew I didn’t have to rely on anyone.

  “I love working,” I continued. “I love earning my keep. It gives me a sense of independence and purpose. I have goals that I work hard to accomplish, and I don’t want to lose that. I want to prove to myself that I can.”

  “I’m sorry, Red. I didn’t think of it that way,” he murmured after a moment. He picked up a stone, examining it before throwing it at the water. It skipped across the surface four times before it disappeared. “But why would you accept Damon’s job offer and not mine?”

  “Because I don’t love Damon and—”

  “I’m so glad to hear that.”

  “And,” I continued, laughing softly at the way he prolonged so, “he won’t take it easy on me if I work for or with him. If I accept your job offer, I feel like I’m…taking from you. And I’m not with you for that. I don’t want anything from you. I just want you.”

  When I glanced at him, his head was lowered, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. He was grinning. When he raised his head and glanced at me, he looked really happy.

  He caught his bottom lip between his teeth as he picked up another rock. “I love you,” he said. “I get it now. I’m sorry I didn’t before.” He flung the stone across the water’s surface again. This time, it skipped seven times.

  Grinning, he turned to face me like a little kid. I grinned back at him, chose the flattest and roundest stone from the ground, and threw it. It skipped ten times.

  “What the—!”

 
The shock on his face was so comical. I started laughing.

  “That was ten times!”

  “Uh-huh.” Smug, I threw another one.

  When I looked back at him, I was expecting surprise, but he only looked contemplative.

  “When I was a kid,” he said quietly, studying my face as if it were the first time he was seeing it. “There was this little girl—”

  Suddenly, a blaring horn sounded from the house.

  “Caleb, the party…”

  “Don’t worry about it, Red. Really. They won’t even notice us gone. Especially now that my uncle has his shofar out. He likes showing it off when he’s pissed drunk.”

  “What?”

  “It’s a musical instrument made of animal horn. He said he bought it from magic peoples, but I’m sure he got it on eBay. Anyway, I saw you talking with my mom earlier,” he said cautiously. “Was she nice to you?”

  I bit my lip. When I didn’t respond, he gently tugged a strand of my hair.

  “She was…polite.”

  “Polite,” he repeated. I could hear the frown in his tone.

  Grabbing my hand, he led me to a spot hidden between jutting rocks and old, tall trees. There was a wide tree trunk at the edge of the water. He sat down before he pulled me beside him.

  I didn’t want to ruin the moment, but I knew he’d be more upset if I kept what happened earlier from him.

  “Your mom wasn’t pleased that I wore the same dress as Beatrice-Rose. Apparently she told your mom I knew she was going to wear this dress and—out of the evilness of my black heart—I deliberately wore the same one.”

  He let out a low, sharp expletive.

  “The truth is that Beatrice-Rose saw me and Kar at the store yesterday. I was trying on this dress when Beatrice-Rose came in,” I explained. “There’s more.”

  Caleb sighed, lowering his head. He looked tired.

  “She was trying to humiliate me at the party earlier. And she succeeded when I dropped my clutch and my things spilled out. Do you remember when you put my things down somewhere, when we were dancing?”

  “Yeah, I put them on one of the tables.”

  “She must have planted it there.”