A Perfect Romance

by Layce Gardner

  Dana blushed. "Thank you."

  "Now can I get in your unitard?"

  Dana laughed. "Right now?"

  "Well, as soon as we get out of this mess."

  "It's a deal."

  "Okay, then." Ellen stood and brushed off the back of her pants. She kissed Dana. When she pulled away, she said, "I think I'm in love with you."

  "Ditto."

  Ellen opened the door, then turned back to Dana. "I'm going to go Google fainting goats. Stay right here." She ran down the stairs.

  ***

  Tracy Savage, the blond, blue-eyed, ninety-eight-pound reporter for Channel 7 was in her element. This could be her big break. She had the news story of the century unfolding before her very eyes and she was on the scene reporting it blow by blow. Those know-it-alls from the Chicago station who rejected her audition tape were going to be eating their words when they saw her coverage of the biggest stand-off in modern Oklahoma history.

  Tracy smiled for the camera and intoned with perfect inflection into the microphone, "This is Tracy Savage reporting to you live from the Last Chance Baptist Church in Dooley Springs. I have with me Brenda Risenhoover, a waitress at BJ's diner." Tracy turned to Brenda, making sure to keep her face quartered toward the camera. "Brenda, you say you overheard the suspect and her mother planning a grisly murder. Can you tell the Channel 7 viewers exactly what you heard?"

  Brenda popped her gum and said, "She was dressed as Wonder Woman. And she said that she was going to poof her girlfriend. She said it just like that too." She popped a bubble. "‘Poof!’"

  "You heard it here first, folks! Remember, this is Tracy Savage with Channel 7...where it isn't news until you've heard it from me."

  Brenda grabbed the mike and added, "And all she left for a tip was fifty cents. Cheapskate."

  ***

  Two teenage boys with matching mohawks stood beside Ellen's mail truck. One boy kept lookout while the other reached inside and pulled out the cardboard box full of yellow Gatorade bottles.

  "Hey, lookit what I found," said one boy. "We could sell this and make some easy bucks."

  The other boy grinned. "Let's hit up the Baptists first. They look thirsty."

  The boys carried the box toward the crowd.

  ***

  "This is Enrico Gonzales with the Channel 5 Eye On Oklahoma News Team. I'm standing outside the Last Chance Baptist Church where there is a hostage situation playing out right now." Enrico Gonzales rumpled his dark hair and loosened his tie for the camera. He wanted to appear hardworking and earnest like his viewing audience. He continued, "Dana Dooley, a local woman, is wanted for the murder of her girlfriend and allegedly the murders of up to twenty others. At this moment, Dooley is holed up in the bell tower. It appears she has taken a local letter carrier hostage. At this point, it is not known whether she has any weapons."

  The microphone was jerked out of Enrico's hand and Bob McCoy angrily shouted into the mike, repeating himself like a real-life version of Foghorn Leghorn, "This is what happens, I tell you, I tell you, this is what happens when women are allowed to wallow in sin with other women!"

  Enrico reached for his microphone, but McCoy placed his palm in the middle of Enrico's chest and pushed him away.

  "I am the preacher, the preacher, of the Last Chance and I am God's heavenly servant on earth! I tell you, I tell you, Dana Dooley has been a blight and a sore on the hind-end of Dooley Springs for years! This is what happens, what happens!"

  A crowd of red-faced, frothing-at-the-mouth Baptists circled behind their preacher, egging him on. Bob shook his fist up at the bell tower, yelling, "Get down here, Dana Dooley! Meet your fate! Murderers and homosexuals should be stoned, should be stoned!"

  A few of the most zealous Baptists threw handfuls of gravel toward the church's front doors.

  Enrico grabbed for his microphone and this time managed to wrestle it away from Bob McCoy.

  Out of breath and panting, Bob McCoy wiped his sweaty brow with the back of his hand. Satisfied that he made a good appearance on TV, he raised a yellow Gatorade bottle to his lips. He stopped right before he drank and shouted, "Onward, Christian soldiers!" He raised his Gatorade bottle in the air for a toast.

  The crowd raised their own Gatorade bottles in the air and repeated in unison, "Onward, Christian soldiers!"

  They all drank.

  ***

  Tracy Savage moved in close to Wanda and counted off to her cameraman, "Ready and action!" She spoke into her microphone, "Tracey Savage back with you, reporting live from Dooley Springs at the hostage situation. I have here with me Wanda Jackson, owner of the The Best Little Hairhouse. Dana Dooley, the suspect, worked for you, is that correct?"

  "Yes, she cleaned my beauty shop every Friday." Her dentures clicked.

  "And you once had a conversation with Miss Dooley, did you not? A conversation that seems rather incriminating?"

  Click, click. "I don't know if I should say anything, but yes, Dana one time told me that she wanted to kill her girlfriend and bury her in her backyard."

  Tracy turned a cold smile to the camera. "This has been an exclusive report from Tracy Savage, Channel 7."

  ***

  Unnoticed by the crowd and the police, Ellen had snuck out the back doors of the church and now had Maw Maw, Fat Matt, Leona and Trudy huddled off to one side like a football team. Ellen was giving orders like she was a quarterback who had ten yards to go on a fourth down.

  They all put their hands in the middle of the circle, one on top of the other, and Ellen said, "Let’s do it!"

  The huddle broke and they each ran off to their positions.

  Leona strode boldly to the policeman holding the bullhorn and said, "I'm Dana's mother. I bet I can talk her down outta there for you."

  ***

  Five minutes later, Leona had center stage. The policemen were circled, holding back the crowd. All eyes were trained on Leona as she raised the bullhorn to her lips. She hesitated, lowered the bullhorn and pulled a flask from her hip pocket. She unscrewed the cap and raised it to her lips.

  "You can do this, Ms. Dooley," said a policeman. "You can talk her down. If you don't, we have no choice but to enter the premises and bring her out at gunpoint."

  Leona took another swig. "Give me a minute."

  "You want her to die like this?" he asked. "Chances are that some bullets are going to fly and she'll be on the receiving end."

  Leona handed the policeman her flask and raised the bullhorn. "Dana! This here is Leona speaking." She hesitated, then added for good measure, "Your mother, Leona."

  The crowd murmured, hushing each other, then fell silent, listening to Leona's words. "Honey, I know things haven't always been...good for you."

  Dana's head appeared over the edge of the bell tower wall.

  Leona continued, "But you need to come on down from there before you get yourself shot."

  "I'm not guilty! I didn't kill her!" Dana shouted.

  "I know that, honey," Leona said through the bullhorn. "But if you don't come down, you can't explain that to these people."

  "What do you care?" Dana said.

  Leona looked to the policeman and said, "She didn't kill anybody, you know."

  He said. "Try again. There must be something you can say to get her down. You're her mother."

  Leona took a deep breath and spoke into the bullhorn again. "Listen, Dana. I'm the screw-up. Not you."

  "You can say that again," Dana said.

  "I love you," Leona said. "I know that's hard to believe, but I do."

  "That's the vodka talking," Dana shouted.

  Leona pushed her way through the throng of people and marched to the church steps.

  "What're you doing?" called the policeman. "Where are you going?"

  Leona stood on top of the church steps, faced the crowd and planted her feet shoulder-width apart. She raised the bullhorn and said, "Listen up, people! There's something you all should know!"

  The crowd jostled each other for a b
etter view of the action. They formed a tight semi-circle around Leona and waited silently for her next words. Leona patiently waited until the news reporters and cameras were trained on her before she said, "My name is Leona and I'm an alcoholic."

  A few people in the crowd took their cue and shouted back, "Hi, Leona!"

  She continued, "I drank my life away because I abandoned my two children." She shuffled her feet, then said, "I got no excuses. I did what I did."

  Ellen pushed her way through the crowd and stood at the foot of the steps between the two reporters, looking up at Leona, confused. This admission wasn't part of the game plan.

  Leona continued, "My daughter didn't deserve what I done. Neither did my son. I came back here to make things right, but I couldn't. I wanted to make it up for them, but I didn't know how."

  Leona stood silent for a moment, then said, "So I did the only thing I could think of to make my daughter's life better." She paused dramatically and added, "I killed that woman. Dana didn't do it. I did."

  The crowd erupted into a frenzy. Camera flashes popped and the two news reporters turned to their cameras and began talking excitedly. Tracy Savage hurled herself through the crowd, motioning to her cameraman to follow. Enrico Gonzales slipped into the wake that Tracy Savage left behind.

  Leona looked down at Ellen. Ellen gave her a thumbs up.

  Tracy Savage thrust her microphone right under Leona's nose.

  "That's right! I killed her!" Leona exclaimed over the hubbub.

  Two policemen headed toward Leona. Leona handed the bullhorn over to Ellen and held her hands out to a policeman, saying, "Cuff me. I'm giving myself up."

  The policeman spun Leona around and began to cuff her hands behind her.

  "She didn't kill anybody! I did!"

  All heads spun to see Ellen standing on the church steps. She had the bullhorn raised. Ellen spoke again, aiming her words toward Enrico Gonzales' outstretched microphone, "I killed that woman because she was cheating on me! I hated her and I killed her!"

  "What the hell?" a policeman said.

  Ellen dropped the bullhorn and held her wrists out to be cuffed. "Take me away, officers, lock me up. I killed her in a jealous lover's rage."

  The policemen looked at each. One policeman asked, "What do we do?" His partner shrugged. "I've never had this happen before."

  "You arrest me is what you do!" said another voice.

  The crowd turned to see Fat Matt in his mayor's suit climbing the steps. Tracy Savage and Enrico Gonzales ran to Fat Matt and shoved their mikes in his face. Fat Matt picked up the bullhorn and shouted, "I killed that woman! I'm the guilty one! I'm the murderer. My sister and mother and this woman with the pokey hair were trying to protect me! I killed her because...because...Because I'm a cold-blooded killer!"

  "You didn't kill anybody!" another voice shouted. Maw Maw pushed her way through the crowd and grabbed the bullhorn out of Fat Matt's hands.

  Tracy Savage and Enrico Gonzales turned, knocked into each other and fell on their butts. As they scrambled to their feet, Maw Maw bellowed into the bullhorn, "I'm the killer! I killed her dead! I'm a dangerous, old, crazy woman killer is what I am."

  A policeman yanked the bullhorn out of Maw Maw's grasp. "Okay, enough of this nonsense. Now which one of you did it?"

  Ellen jerked the bullhorn out of the policeman's hand and exclaimed, "I did!"

  Fat Matt grabbed the bullhorn. "You did not," said Fat Matt, "I did!"

  Leona pulled the bullhorn out of Fat Matt's grasp and said, "You're both lying. I killed her."

  Tracy Savage and Enrico Gonzales shoved their microphones in front of Maw Maw's face. "I killed her more than all of you combined!" Maw Maw shouted. She turned to a policeman and said, "Take me in and lock me up before I kill again."

  "You're all wrong," Trudy said, appearing at the bottom of the steps. "I killed her out of jealousy and spite."

  "You did not!" shouted Leona, Fat Matt and Maw Maw at the same time.

  Enrico Gonzales and Tracy Savage aimed their microphones at Trudy.

  "I did too!" Trudy exclaimed. "You all are trying to steal my thunder!"

  "This is ridiculous," said a policeman, throwing his arms in the air. "You all couldn't have killed her."

  "Nobody killed her!" shouted a voice.

  Everybody looked around to see where the voice came from. Finally, Maw Maw asked, "Who said that?"

  "I did!" Dana shouted. Everybody looked up at the bell tower. Dana was leaning over the wall and pointing to somewhere behind the crowd. "Nobody killed her…because there she is!"

  The crowd hushed. Over the silence was heard a chug-a-chug-a-chug like the little red engine that could. The crowd parted as Hank steered his lawnmower toward the church steps. He wasn't wearing a shirt and his fat belly jiggled over his belt. He had a lopsided grin on his face. Kimmy was perched on the back of the lawnmower like the queen in a homecoming parade. She was very much alive and wearing Hank's shirt. Her hair was twisted and knotted and she looked like she'd been on the receiving end of a really bad home perm. Her skin was splotchy and bruised and large parts of her were smeared with dried mud. She had a rope around her neck and smelled faintly of fertilizer. She looked worse than Stephen King's Carrie after the prom.

  Hank steered his lawnmower up to the church steps and cut off the engine. Kimmy got off the back, wobbled from side to side, regained her balance and looked blankly at all the expectant faces. "Did I miss something?" she asked.

  ***

  A week later, Ellen and Dana sat on the sofa, as close to each other as they could get. Asscat was sprawled in Ellen's lap, purring loudly while Dana flipped through TV channels with the remote.

  "Here it is," she said.

  On the TV screen, Kimmy and Tracy Savage sat in a news studio under bright lights. Kimmy had a new, shorter hairstyle and so much makeup on it looked like her features had been chiseled out of pottery clay.

  Dana turned up the volume and settled back into Ellen's arms to watch.

  Tracy Savage smiled at the cameras, then addressed Kimmy. "So tell us what you remember...in your own words."

  Kimmy smiled at the camera. "I came home late and was hungry. So I pulled something out of the fridge, I didn't know what it was, but it looked like sausage gravy. I heated it up in the microwave and poured it over some cold biscuits and ate it. It tasted a little funny, but I didn't think much of it at the time. Then I took off all my clothes and was headed to bed when I got dizzy. I guess I got so dizzy, I got all mixed up and turned around and opened the front door instead of the bedroom door. Next thing I knew that old man was pulling me out of the Illinois River. He gave me his shirt to wear and drove me back to town on his lawnmower."

  Ellen grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. She kissed Dana lightly on the lips.

  Dana giggled.

  "What's so funny?" Ellen asked.

  "I'm happy is all."

  "Me too."

  Dana looked shyly at her. "Do you ‘like my hat’?"

  "I do," Ellen said. "I do like your hat."

  They kissed.

  The End.

  Epilogue

  One year later:

  Jenny and Bob McCoy got divorced. Jenny now has her own business and travels the country selling food on a stick at all the county fairs. She has gained over two hundred pounds.

  Trudy and Bob Wyer were married in Judge Tanner's cornfield. They moved to Kansas City where Trudy opened up her celebrity look-alike shop and has more business than she can handle. Trudy and Bob travel the country three months out of the year attending SCA festivals.

  Leona attends AA meetings every Thursday night at the VFW. She hasn't had a drink in over five months. She wrote and sold a new country song, "Happiness is a Warm Gun." It topped the country charts at number eleven.

  Maw Maw Dooley was written up in the Los Angeles Weekly as an up-and-coming installation artist. She had art showings in New York and Dallas. She is still working on her recipe for the perfect
embalming fluid.

  Fat Matt Dooley was re-elected mayor of Dooley Springs. He disappeared two months after the election. Some people say they've seen him in the Cookson Hills roaming around with no clothes on. Other people say that's not Fat Matt, that's Big Foot.

  Tracy Savage accepted a new job offer. She's now a weather girl for the Fox Channel.

  Wilson Drumwright, aka “Puddinhead,” moved in with his lover, Bruce the Fag, Trudy's ex-husband. They created the national phenomenon now sweeping the gay community of wearing your pants backwards.

  Kimmy gained a short-lived notoriety and now sells artificial fingernails at a kiosk in a Tulsa mall.

  Dana Dooley finally got her gold crown. And her book was published. It's not the great American novel she had hoped for, but it is short-listed for a Goldie award. The dedication reads: “For Ellen, my girlfriend's girlfriend.”

  And...Ellen and Dana are still enjoying their version of the party tree.

  The End.

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  Want to keep reading?

  Here’s the first chapter of Tats, Layce Gardner’s Goldie award-winning novel!

  Chapter One

  I’m a sucker for a nice pair of tits. And this pair ranks right up there with some of the nicest I’ve ever had in my face.

  The stripper teases me a minute longer before pulling her tits away. I tuck another twenty in her g-string and she gives them back to me. Her long black hair blankets my head and shoulders and I use my teeth to tug on her nipple ring.