Succubus Lord 7

by Eric Vall

  Behind the cart stood a man who was dressed like a traveler from the far east. His clothing was made of elegant red silk, and he wore a turban on his black hair that was bedazzled with all sorts of faux jewels.

  Behind him sat a series of small campfires, each with a cast iron pot hanging over them. One of the pots was filled with oil that cracked and bubbled as it fried the dough inside of it to a perfect crisp. Above the second pot hung what appeared to be a skinned vargrat. As orders were placed, one of the vendor’s helpers would slice off a few chunks of meat, season it appropriately, and toss it in the pot with a heap of lard. Last, but certainly not least, was a pot used to simmer up whatever “add-ins” a customer could ask for.

  “Waiiiittt,” I said as my eyes narrowed on the dead vargrat. “Is that really what they’re serving? You’d think Azazel would at least allow meat from the regular world down here in honor of Lucifer’s festival.”

  “It’s just vargrat, Jacob,” Libidine mused. “They might be deadly in the wild, but their meat is actually not half bad. Given that it’s properly seasoned, of course.”

  “I dunno if I wanna pay good money to buy a chunk of dead rat, Lib,” Todd added.

  Eligor looked down at the imp. “I don’t see what the big deal is,” she muttered. “You already ate some this morning.”

  Todd and I looked at each other in horror as realization dawned on us.

  “The bacon, bro,” Todd gasped.

  “That’s right!” Eligor exclaimed happily. “It was vargrat. And you both loved it.”

  “W-well … I guess since it’s already in my stomach, I can’t really complain,” Todd shrugged. “Normally I have a hardcore regiment of what can and can’t go in this temple, but I guess I can liven up for one day.”

  “Mhhhmmmm,” Cupi said coyly. “I once saw you down a whole package of oreos in one sitting.”

  “Nobody will ever believe you,” Todd giggled and made a “shhhh” sign with his finger and lips.

  Eligor rolled her eyes and turned to the vendor. “We’ll take five pita kebabs, please,” she ordered. “With all the fixings.”

  “Alright.” The man behind the counter nodded and then turned his head. “Randall! Did ya get that? Five kebabs, with all the fixin’s.”

  I was thrown off for a moment because the man went from speaking with a thick Middle Eastern accent to a Boston one lickity-split.

  “What will you be paying with, my friend?” he asked as he returned to his original facade. “These are the finest kebabs on this side of the Fourth Circle. They don’t come for free…”

  I noticed the vendor looking my armor over, but after the fight with Zepar, I wasn’t going to just hand it over for some food.

  “Hold on, bro,” the disguised imp interjected. “I’ve got a little something that’ll definitely make the cut.”

  The burly imp waddled over to Libidine, unzipped the duffel bag, and then reached inside. He pulled out a tiny plastic baggie, hid it in his fist, and returned to the vendor.

  “Here ya go,” Todd smiled as he placed the bag of weed in the vendor’s hand.

  The vendor’s brow furrowed at the action, but then his expression turned into one of shock when he saw what was in the bag.

  “Is this … how’d ya get this?” he gasped in his Boston accent.

  “That’s for me to know, buddy,” Todd whispered. “Just enjoy it. If those pita things are half as good as they look, you’ve totally earned it.”

  “I--thank you!” the man exclaimed in awe. “Randall! Sully! Finish up those ordahs, and then close down tha shop. We got some celebratin’ to do!”

  The man pocketed the bag and then set out to work helping make our pita kebabs. He was only gone for a minute or two, but we all watched curiously as he and his partners seasoned the meat, tossed it about in their pot, and then transferred it onto the wrap. Finally, the vendor returned with five entrees all wrapped up in parchment paper.

  “Oh, and just so you know,” Todd leaned in as we grabbed our wraps, “you’re gonna need to buckle up tight. It’s gonna be one trippy ride, bro.”

  Todd patted the counter, and then the five of us walked away. We found a small spot just outside the village where we could sit down, relax, and enjoy our food away from the bustle of the festival.

  “Do you really think Azazel’s gonna fall for all of that?” Cupiditas pondered aloud. “Like, the whole ‘Zepar tried to betray him’ thing?”

  “Probably not,” Eligor shrugged, “but it will at least buy us some time. The Elite Guards will be terrified to inform Azazel of their failure, so I’d say we at least have another two or three hours before they’re onto us.”

  “And that will give us plenty of time to find Berith,” Liby added.

  My stomach growled again, and I couldn’t wait any longer. I unwrapped the paper around my pita and marveled at the creation that stared me back in the face. The bread itself was fried to perfection so it was just doughy enough to bend but not quite crisp enough to crack. Meanwhile, all sorts of spices irradiated from the meat inside, mixed with a healthy dose of onions, tomatoes, lettuce, and some sort of feta cheese-like crumbles.

  I raised the sandwich to my mouth and took a hefty bite. Instantly, my taste buds lit up with delight at the mixture of smokey meat, grainy bread, and sweet onion. The flavors of the acidic tomato would have been overpowering, but they were counteracted by the subtle, sharp flavor of the cheese. I let my bite of the food sit around in my mouth as I tried to identify all of the spices in the meat. There was the distinct taste of cumin, a hint of garlic and cinnamon, the biting flavor of cloves, and then the ever-tiniest dash of turmeric.

  This was by far the best thing we’d eaten in Hell.

  “Oh my god, this is vargrat?” Todd gasped through a mouthful of kebab. “Why don’t we have this shit on Earth?”

  “I must admit,” Cupi added, “this dish does make me long for the days of Gula’s vargrat stew. Even though there are waaaay better options on Earth Realm.”

  “Our Sister really could make one hell of a stew,” Liby giggled.

  While Todd, the succubi, and I sat there chatting, Eligor remained dead silent. The blonde knight just munched on her pita sandwich as she stared off at the distant mountains, probably wondering where Berith’s knowledge would lead us.

  I started to reach out to the knight, but Cupi quickly put her hand on my own and pushed it down.

  She shook her head somberly as if to say “let her be,” and the four of us went back to shooting the shit. It was mostly inconsequential things. How much Todd and I missed the charm of Kansas City … reminisces about our past adventures … jokes about Oliver … nothing important at all. But, if there was one thing I’d found in my short time in this universe, it’s that you have to stop and take a moment to enjoy the little things in life.

  And this was definitely one of those moments.

  We finished up our meal, tossed our paper to the wind, and then began to head back into the village.

  “I never got to ask,” I suddenly remembered. “Did you actually find Berith’s location?”

  Eligor shot me a playful look. “Of course I did,” she scoffed. “I found out where he was located within the first twenty minutes I was gone.”

  “And the other thirty minutes?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

  “That was me time,” she shot back. “A girl needs some time to pamper herself every now and again.”

  “True dat,” Todd interjected. “I don’t know what I’d do without my spa days. No homo.”

  “Berith is on the far side of the village,” Eligor continued. “Thankfully, he was far, far away from the commotion we caused earlier, so he should still be set up in his storytelling booth.”

  We ventured further into the village until we finally came upon a small crowd of people who were huddled around a small, raised stage. A short, stout demon dressed to the nines in old-timey royal clothing stood at its center, telling his story to everyone who was willing to li
sten. The demon had a long, crooked nose that pointed downward and long, golden locks that came all the way down past his shoulders. Most distinguishing, however, was his mustache, which looked like it had been ripped right off a deck of playing cards.

  This must have been Berith.

  “ … and that was when the Exalted One cast Lucifer from his kingdom and doomed our master to wander the Earth for all eternity,” the man announced, already far into his tale. “But the Dejected One got an idea. The Lake of Fire was the one place in this universe that had no master. Instead of residing on Earth, with puny mortal humans and life that was fleeting, he decided to anoint himself as the King of Hell.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s not how the story goes,” Todd mused as he patted his chin. “At least, not in any books or blogs I’ve read.”

  “So he set out to work!” Berith continued. “Lucifer’s first order of business was to divide the Netherworld into nine different Circles, a domain which he rewarded to each of his most trusted generals. The generals have come and gone over the centuries, folks, but one thing remains clear … those who do good in the eyes of the Dejected One will reap his rewards tenfold. That is why I come before you today, ladies and gentlemen, not only to remind you of his greatness, but to plead with you. You are all here in the Fourth Circle because you put your material objects first in life. One of the lesser sins, but a sin nonetheless. You have it much better off than your friends in the other Circles, so I beg of you … you should neither reject nor denounce Lucifer or his generals. The rules of the Circles can change at a moment’s whim, whenever our master decides he wants to switch things up. Show him your support and your courtesy and maybe, just maybe, he will show you his mercy. Thank you.”

  The crowd clapped, but they seemed rather unenthusiastic about the whole affair.

  I couldn’t really blame them.

  “Yikes,” I noted with a whistle. “And I thought street preachers were bad.”

  Todd just shrugged. “I honestly don’t see the difference,” he admitted. “When you boil it all down, these religious fanatics are all saying the same thing, bro. ‘Join us and believe in our higher power, or he will smite you down with extreme prejudice. Also, remember to send your little ones to our youth group every wednesday night. It’ll be all the fun and excitement of our normal service, with a little less fear-mongering.’”

  “You really have no faith in modern religion, do you?” I chuckled and shook my head. “Even after everything we’ve seen?”

  “Believing in something isn’t a religion, bro,” the imp shot back. “That’s just faith. It’s when you start getting a bunch of like-minded people together to form a community and share their common beliefs that it becomes a religion.”

  “Huh,” I mused as we watched Berith take a bow and exit stage left.

  The imp may have come across as a total stoner and slacker, but every now and again he’d say something actually deep and philosophical. Then, he’d turn around and make a joke about how some dude’s nose looked like a dick.

  Thus was the Tao of Todd.

  Eligor slapped me gently on the chest. “Now’s our chance,” she explained. “He’s back in his tent getting ready for the next show.”

  “Are you guys ready?” I asked the group.

  “To get high as fuck and talk to a dude about a flaming sword in the middle of a Lake of Fire?” Todd pondered. “Sign me the fuck up.”

  The five of us wandered through the crowd as they began to disperse, and we eventually made it back to a small white and blue tent that had been set up beside the stage.

  Eligor raised up her hand, lifted away one of the entrance flaps, and marched into Berith’s dwelling.

  I was right behind the knight, and the second I entered the dwelling I noticed there was a heavy fog of sweet incense that filled the room. I glanced around at the makeshift dressing room, taking in the aesthetic.

  Even though it was very bare-bones, there were a few pieces of shoddy furniture in the room. A large file cabinet, assumedly filled with important stories from Lucifer’s history, sat all the way in the back, right next to a rough-looking wooden table with an even more rough-looking stool. There was a rocking chair at the far corner that looked much more modern than anything we’d seen in the Fourth Circle so far, and it was set up in front of a firepit that had been dug into the ground.

  Berith himself was sitting on a cushioned chair in front of a large vanity mirror. The demon was holding two different crowns above his head, shifting them back and forth as if he was trying to figure out which one looked better on his noggin.

  Then I saw it.

  There was a rather large incense burner on his vanity. The burner was shaped like a three-headed dragon, and puffs of scented smoke shot out of its trifecta of mouths every few seconds.

  I nudged Todd and pointed at the burner.

  “You know what that is?” I asked the imp cautiously.

  “Of course I do, bro,” he hissed back. “It’s King Ghidorah. I’m not a total dumbass.”

  “I mean, do you know what that thing does,” I sighed softly. “It’s an incense burner. If you swap out whatever’s in there for your stuff … ”

  “It’ll make our mission go much quicker.” Todd nodded. “On it. Stealth Todd, activate.”

  The imp snapped his fingers and disappeared from view. The sound must have gotten the attention of Berith, though, because he whipped his head around curiously.

  “I thought I told you no autographs unless you’ve got something to barter with,” he growled, but then a look of recognition spread across his face. “Is that … Eligor?”

  “It sure is!” the fallen angel exclaimed with a bright grin, completely out of character. “It’s been a while, my old friend.”

  “It most certainly has,” Berith noted as he spun his full body around to face us. “How’s Lilith doing these days? Keeping her succubi in line?”

  “You could say that,” Eligor said with a nod. “There’s so many to keep track of, I don’t know how she does it.”

  “Nor do I, Eligor,” Berith mused. “As the Chief Secretary of Hell, I’ve seen all the work she puts into keeping her empire running smoothly. The pimps, the Demon Lords, the hundreds upon hundreds of succubi who are assigned to various factions … it’s a feat only she could pull off. Who are your friends, if I may ask?”

  “I’m glad you asked,” Eligor said through a completely fake smile. “These are a few of Lilith’s newest recruits. They’re fairly new to Hell, but they lived very impressive lives up on Earth Realm. Impressive enough that the Demon Queen wanted them at her service.”

  “Mortals who impressed Lilith?” Berith whistled. “That’s no small feat. What, dare I ask, did you do in your previous life?”

  There was a temporary moment of silence, and then I finally spoke up.

  “I was a drug runner,” I lied. “One of the best in the business. It’s all because I ran things with an iron fist and killed anyone who dared stand in my way.”

  “I was a prostitute,” Libidine half-lied. “I would sell my body on the streets to anyone who wanted a piece and had the coin. Of course, after they were finished, I’d slit their throat and rob them of all their money.”

  “Why not kill them before you did the deed?” Berith leaned forward in his chair, obviously interested in what Liby was saying.

  The dark-haired succubus just shrugged. “Where’s the fun in that?” she asked coyly. “A girl still has her needs, you know.”

  “I was a dirty cop,” Cupi interjected. “I was a deputy chief of police, but I quickly found out selling drugs from the evidence lockers was a way better side gig than working at a fucking big box store.”

  Berith leaned back in his chair and placed his hands behind his head. “So we’ve got a kingpin, a whore, and a crooked cop,” he observed. “What brings you to me today?”

  As the demon was talking, I saw his incense burner lift up into the air on its own. The lid on the bottom of the b
urner was slowly removed, and ashes of the incense fell out onto the floor. The three-headed dragon flipped upside down, and a bunch of Todd’s weed dumped into its repository. The lid was put back in place, the metal dragon was turned over, and then there was a brief flash of red Hellfire as the imp got it going again. Finally, the burner was turned back into the upright position and placed back down on the vanity without a single sound.

  “Well, Berith,” Eligor explained, “Lilith wanted the fresh meat to be initiated into her circle with some of Hell’s greatest stories, and she figured you’d be the perfect one to tell them.”

  Berith looked surprised, and then he placed his hand against his chest happily.

  “Awww, Lilith … I’m flattered,” he groveled. “Give me just one second. I’m going to go put out a sign that tells everyone my next story is cancelled. We have a lot of stuff to get through, and not much time to do it!”

  The flamboyant demon hopped to his feet, brushed the dust off his cloak, and then rushed out of the tent.

  “I think it’s already working, Jakey,” Todd’s disembodied voice coughed. “I can feel this shit in my very soul.”

  “Great,” I said with a nod. “Just make sure you get him baked before it starts affecting all of us. The last thing we need is for us to all be stoned out of our minds.”

  “That’s quitter talk,” the imp snickered. “But I’ll see what I can do.”

  One of Todd’s joints rose up into the air, lit up with a flash of red, and then glowed as it was inhaled. The imp let out a deep cough as smoke spread through the air.

  “Holy fuck,” Todd said in surprise. “This shit is waaaay stronger than I thought it was gonna be.”

  “Even better,” Cupi interjected. “Maybe that means we can be done quicker.”

  “It’s not about the destination,” Libidine giggled and winked at her Sister. “It’s about the journey. We succubi know that all too well.”

  “Alright, so where do you want to begin?” Berith asked as he re-entered the room. “I’ve given us nearly an hour to work with, which means there’s time for many, many stories.”