Bitter Fruits

by Daltry, Sarah

  “I can’t do this,” I tell him. “I’m going back to my dorm room.”

  “But Nora, it isn’t safe,” he argues.

  “Too bad. Feel free to do your creepy stalker bodyguard thing, but I need to figure this out. You killed your brother. More than once. I know. I know it was more complicated than that, but I can’t act as if you didn’t do it. I also can’t pretend that I don’t love him or that you won’t be the one to take him away from me. What we’ve done... You should probably just kill me now, because I can’t-”

  “No,” he says. “I won’t kill you.”

  “You already told me before that you would,” I remind him.

  “That was before,” he replies.

  “Before what? Before I fucked you?” The words leave me before I think about them. They come from a pit inside that holds the darkest, most vile part of me. I want him to suffer, to feel what I do about the choices we’ve made. How could we have done this and not feel shame?

  He takes in a breath and I see the words stab through him. Hurting him is, unfortunately, equally painful. I don’t want to see him break as he’s about to do; I want to reach for him, to tell him that I don’t mean these things, that I’m confused but we can figure it out. However, Alec’s face appears in the darkness between us and I have to choose. Someone must lose; I only wish it could be me. I don’t want to hurt Caleb, but maybe it’s the only way.

  “It was more than that.” He’s almost pleading, as if he’s afraid that he misjudged what happened between us.

  “No, it wasn’t.” The words are the hardest I’ve ever spoken. I force myself to meet his gaze and try not to let his suffering break my heart. I swore I’d save Alec or die trying; if Caleb needs to be the one to kill me, so be it. I can’t let myself think that momentary lapses of passion are the same as denial of an eternal war. There may have been comfort between us, a feeling of belonging, but I have a promise to keep and Caleb will have to believe it meant nothing. Otherwise, the consequences…

  “I love you, Nora,” he says, but the words are unsure.

  I say nothing, only walk away. I can feel his eyes on me as I head back to my dorm, but I know that I can’t turn around. I need to solve some of this on my own, which means being free from distraction to do so. I also can’t bear to see how much I’ve hurt him; I make it all the way to my dorm without looking to see if he follows. The betrayal rests heavy on me as I close the door to my building. The owls are complaining loudly tonight and I think I know why.

  12.

  One thing that’s nice about being a terrible person and breaking two guys’ hearts is that it leaves you a hell of a lot of time to research the evil monster threatening to ruin everything around you. Henry’s lecture notes are a starting point, but it is the library, as always, that provides me with what I need. I probably look a mess walking around campus in my sweats, but I don’t need to impress anyone; I think I’ve done enough “impressing” these past few weeks as it is. Maybe I should have been wearing sweats in the first place. The book I need is in the stacks, which are empty, of course. I find a table and set to reading.

  Lilith certainly is a celebrity of apocryphal myth. The problem is that it makes it hard to dig out what has merit and what does not; this is especially true in the later writings, after the Church gained power. All women were wiped from the records unless they remained in the stories as virgins or whores. Oh, and Eve, whom we all know proves that women will screw up absolutely anything. I devour the stories, painting a picture in my head of the jilted lover, the outcast woman with a rebellious streak. By the time I have read half the myths, I am totally on Lilith’s side; I have to keep reminding myself that this badass rebel is the reason someone I love will die. I keep reading, but there are no myths that, read in a contemporary light, convince me that Lilith is entirely to blame for man’s struggles. In the third collection I read, it’s the last of the more obscure stories that really strikes me as having value - but that also cements my respect for her character. In it, there is a hint that Lilith was cast out not by God but by Adam. Of course, this part is little more than a footnote. Still, it definitely gets the gears working and I jot down the writer’s name. Dr. Jeremiah Evans published the annotated myth only five years ago, which means he is most likely still alive.

  My laptop whirs to life and Google fulfills its obligations this time. Evans is not only still alive, but he is also less than three hours away. I text Scarlet and beg her to let me borrow her car. Despite not having talked in several days, she replies almost instantly with assent. See, Elizabeth? That is a good roommate. I gather a couple of books to check out in case I need them later and then I go back to the dorm to change. I should probably not appear on the doorstep of a random professor looking homeless. At some point, Residential Life replaced my mattress and stuck a loose piece of plywood over the hole in the window. They didn’t even bother with duct tape, opting rather to lean the plywood against the hole from my dresser. Lovely. My room feels more like a hospital ward now than a dorm, but it is serving its purpose - it’s keeping me from Caleb. It’s been a few days and I’ve kept a very low profile. As difficult as the choice was, seeing him will make it exponentially harder. I’m not sure I can break his heart a second time.

  I’m halfway to the cafeteria to meet Scarlet for her keys, of course, when he steps into my path.

  “I told you I need a break,” I say.

  “I know, but Nora, you can’t go anywhere alone. It’s too dangerous.”

  “How’d you even-”

  “You changed. You’ve been wearing the same sweats for like three days. I hope you also took a shower?”

  “For your information, they aren’t the same sweats, just the same brand, and-”

  “Nora, focus. You can’t leave campus without me.”

  I start to argue, but he’s right. What if it’s some kind of trap? What am I supposed to do? “Fine,” I say, changing my mind. “But bring an iPod because I’m not talking to you.”

  I push past him and find Scarlet sitting in the cafeteria, staring at her phone. She’s not eating, although there is a soggy bowl of pasta in front of her. I’m not sure if it’s her appetite or the food that is stopping her. I don’t imagine anything new has appeared in her inbox in days, but she looks at her phone like all of her hope rests on text messaging. She has seen better days; that’s for sure. Her hair is unwashed and she’s not wearing any makeup. I think she may even be wearing sneakers. She still looks pretty, just not gorgeous. I shake my head.

  “How are you?” I ask. Caleb doesn’t speak, just stands over me as I sit down to join Scarlet. She looks up at him but says nothing to acknowledge that he’s there.

  “I’ve been better.” Her smile is weak and I wish I could assure her of something. Since Caleb and Alec refuse to invest in cell phones, though, I’ve had no news of Alec’s search for Henry.

  “I’m sure he is fine. There’s a reasonable explanation,” I say, but it’s tough to comfort her. She has no idea what’s happening and I can’t just dump the insane truth on her. So instead, I do my best to be a friend and say meaningless phrases that no one believes work. They’re phrases that annoy me when I’m feeling miserable, but now I get it; they’re meant to comfort the person outside the situation, not the one suffering. Scarlet listens, but my words float over her, empty.

  “You’re back,” she says to Caleb. He only nods and continues to look like a creep. When we were trying not to fall in love, he didn’t take looking after me as literally as he is now. That might have been a better time to choose this tactic.

  “He’s doing the moody bodyguard thing. Ignore him,” I say.

  “He’s cute,” she whispers, not quietly enough because he chuckles. At least his presence seems to bring Scarlet some happiness.

  “I know. Listen, I may be gone a few days, but you have my number. If you hear anything about Henry, please call me immediately, okay?”

  “I miss him,” she says. Then she starts to cry. Cale
b shifts uncomfortably behind me, because apparently immortality still hasn’t granted him the ability to fix it when a girl cries. I want to help, but even if I could tell Scarlet the truth, I can’t ease her worry. What am I going to say? Oh, by the way, your boyfriend is probably being tortured by revenants, which are definitely not ghosts? That would only make it worse, so I hold her hand and let her cry. Caleb coughs, trying to express his desire to get out of there.

  “For someone a billion years old or whatever,” I say later, when we’re walking to Scarlet’s car, “you have zero social skills.”

  “Wasn’t really a priority,” he replies. “Plus, I can make you all do my bidding. I just opt not to.”

  There’s nothing to say to that. I don’t even consider asking him if he has a license, which leaves me to drive. We are nearly into hour two of the drive before he speaks again. I’ve been trying not to start a conversation, while also pretending that I’m not extremely turned on just being near him. I sincerely wish either he or Alec was disfigured. His iPod is full of passionate love songs as well, because it would be too easy for him to listen to gangster rap.

  “It meant more than anything to me, Nora. You don’t understand-”

  “Caleb, I am not discussing this right now. We’re going to follow a lead that I found regarding Lilith and that is all. Our relationship, or lack thereof, is not on the table.”

  “What is on this elusive table?” He asks.

  “Lilith, revenants, your brother, and how we are going to break this curse.”

  “How about lunch?”

  “Lunch is not on the table,” I say, laughing at the pun.

  “No, I mean how about we stop for lunch? I can fill you in there. I mean, I may have insider intel that could help depending on what you’ve found.”

  I sigh, but he has a point. I haven’t been eating lately and I don’t think I can fight the forces of evil on an empty stomach. Not to mention that the son of Adam and Eve likely knows more about them than any book or professor can tell me. There’s a Cracker Barrel off the highway, so I pull into the lot and hop out. Caleb smiles as he exits the car.

  “You’re a cheap date,” he teases.

  “I’m not a date,” I respond and ignore his adorable puppy dog eyes. Damn it. He walks ahead of me to get the door and I can’t ignore how good his ass looks in jeans. Caleb dresses more down to earth than Alec does when he’s not out at masquerade balls, and man, he is sexy. Stop it, I tell myself, but my eyes don’t listen. Knowing what’s under the pants is not making it any better.

  He holds the door and I follow him into the restaurant. The heat is on way too high. There’s only one other couple in the place; they’re about a hundred years old but everything he says makes her face light up. I smile until I realize that I’m only making it impossible for me to have that someday. A hostess leads us to a table by the window and I order a soda, still watching the couple. Caleb reaches for my hand, but I pull away. It’s all just too unfair. Caleb orders nothing and I think about how he’ll feed tonight. I promise myself I won’t offer my blood, although I doubt my own willpower. If we’re still together tonight... Luckily, the waitress shows up to take my order and I shake the thought. Caleb takes to staring out the window. I turn my fork over and stab the napkin. It shouldn’t be this awkward; only a few days ago, he felt like the missing part of me.

  “You wanted to explain?” I prod.

  “Lilith told us that there was no other way, that humanity was doomed unless I kept the cycle going. I cared little for humanity, but my brother said it was imperative that we do what she said. So I did. I’ve seen a lot; there were plenty of times I wanted to let it end. And once when I tried.”

  “Right, plague.”

  “It’s not easy, you know. If there was a way to end it, I would have done so long ago.”

  “You’re trying to end it now,” I point out.

  “It took us a long time to realize we could kill Lilith to break the curse. However, finding her is not easy. We’ve tried for hundreds of years. In Oxford, we started getting close. After Teresa... well, things changed. I no longer cared; I just wanted it to be over. It became all I thought about and all my efforts became focused on this one task. Until then, we wanted it to end, but there was no immediate need; no one was getting hurt and nothing ever changed. This time, both my brother and I wanted nothing more than to be free of one another finally.”

  “You still have time,” I say. “You can still find her.”

  “We do. But, Nora, something is different. The world is moving so fast...”

  “You sound just like my grandparents,” I laugh. “Kids today.”

  He smiles weakly, but the waitress brings my food before he can say more. I didn’t realize how hungry I was until the sandwich is in front of me; the smell of grease makes my stomach growl and I devour my meal in minutes. Caleb watches me the whole time, suppressing laughter, but doesn’t say anything until I am finished.

  “Was it okay? You sure you liked it?”

  “Fuck off.”

  He pays for lunch and I don’t ask where he gets the money. I guess when you are the first child of humankind, there are perks. Especially when you are the now immortal first child of humankind. We make it back to the car and he reaches out a hand; the spark is instantaneous. All of my talk of taking a break, my guilt about Alec, it disappears when he touches me. Our lips come together and I don’t hesitate to pull my jacket down so that my neck is revealed. I told Caleb that I wasn’t weak, but he makes me so. Why can’t I control myself with him? He drinks from me but that is all we do. It is a simple act, but it is an act of trust. My conviction, my certainty of choosing Alec - they flow from me with my blood. Although I want more from Caleb, I know how much I hurt him when I walked away. Neither of us tries to make this anything else. Instead, after he is sated, he offers to drive.

  “You look tired. You may as well rest,” he adds.

  “Do you even have a license?”

  “Nora, I’m a ‘vampire.’ No, I do not have a license.”

  “My insurance doesn’t cover vampires,” I say, but I’m tired. He drained me of a lot of blood and that, along with my own poor sleep habits lately, makes me grateful enough not to argue. We switch seats and he gets us back onto the highway. There is no music or talking, so I close my eyes; the cool window soothes the heat still smoldering after his touch - and I sleep.

  ****

  I wake to Caleb shaking me and, at first, I don’t know where I am. We’re parked in the middle of an open, gravelly square. “What the-” I mumble and try to remember how we got here.

  “Your professor lives up there,” Caleb says and points to a house up a small dirt path. I shake myself out of sleep and follow him. There’s nothing around for miles, which is either smart, if you’re hiding from something, or stupid, if that something has found you. It looks like no one is home and the silence of the place freaks me out. Caleb’s insistent that we look around, while I’m starting to think that the something hunting Dr. Evans has definitely found him. The screen door is open and the wooden door behind it creaks to let us in when Caleb touches it. The smell gets me first; there’s something dead in here. I start retching when I see what it is. The body of what I imagine was the man who wrote the entry on Lilith is stretched across his table, the flesh pulled from him. I run out of the house, but Caleb doesn’t follow. There is no way in hell I am going back in there, so I wait. I sit on a rock, my knees and legs incapable of holding me up after what I just saw. Somehow, I manage not to vomit, but it’s an impressive feat. Caleb appears about twenty minutes later with a laptop and some notebooks.

  “Are you okay?” He asks.

  “I’m delightful. I just saw a man’s body with no flesh. Totally fine.”

  “Nora, this is our world. This is what we have brought you into. I’m so sorry.” He kneels in front of me and takes my hands. I look up and his eyes are sad, concerned. I appreciate his worry for me, but he’s right. This is their world �
� the world that I chose to enter.

  “Tell me what you found,” I say.

  “It’s starting to get late. We should get a hotel room somewhere around here and we can start looking through these.” He gestures to the laptop and notebooks.

  “Wouldn’t they take his laptop if there was anything to be found?” I ask. I’ve watched enough CSI to know how these things work.

  “Revenants. They’re stupid. They live off flesh; it’s good we got here when we did, though, because I imagine whoever sent them is going to come looking to clean up.”

  Anxiety rages through me. “Revenants? What about Henry?”

  “Calm down. The fact that they took Henry, rather than simply eating him, says someone is pulling the strings. That someone obviously wants him alive. Still, it’s important we try to find out who that someone is, assuming he or she will run out of patience.”

  “And Alec?”

  “He can’t die. I told you. Plus, we aren’t exactly a healthy breakfast, what with the ages old flesh. Revenants can only survive if they consume mortal flesh.”

  “Oh good. I’m glad there are rules,” I say and take my keys.

  There’s a seedy motel not far after we get back on the highway; it’s incredibly shady, but we aren’t on our honeymoon or anything. I also don’t recall seeing anything else and sleep, fear, and overall unease win over my standards. The guy at reception actually looks shocked to see us. I’m tempted to ask for two rooms, but it’s Caleb’s money. Also, I am not braving what I expect will be cockroaches from a Japanese horror film by myself.

  The room is basic, but not as disgusting as I anticipated. I don’t dare to pull down the comforter, but I also don’t see anything scurrying when we open the door. Caleb takes the old wooden chair and leaves me the bed. He starts skimming the notebooks and I open Dr. Evans’ laptop. It’s password protected, but the guy wasn’t very creative. His password is Lilith88. You’d think people would either not bother with password protection if they are so obvious or at least come up with a password a total stranger could not figure out in less than five minutes. You’d be wrong, though. Clearly.