The FBucket List

by Lena Fox

  I’d lost all my courage and fire again. As much as I told myself the care and longevity of my tattoo didn’t matter in the scheme of things, I just walked around the surrounding shops all afternoon, unable to go into the swim center as I’d planned.

  Open hours for public swimming came and went. I hovered, aimlessly, until the shops started closing around me, and had to head back out onto the street to make my way home.

  Then I saw Blake.

  He walked up the footpath as I walked down, and there was no avoiding him, not when he spotted me too.

  Then this is it.

  “Hi.”

  “Hi.”

  “Hey.”

  “How’s things?”

  “How are—oh, good. How are you?”

  “Good. Yeah. Good.”

  “Um, so …”

  “Yeah, uh.”

  “I thought—"

  “I was—”

  “Sorry, you first.”

  “No, you.”

  “Really.”

  “Oh, I just, I need …”

  The bumbling mumble of our conversation halted, and we both seemed to be very concerned about our feet, what with how carefully we scrutinized them.

  I can’t do it.

  I couldn’t look at that gorgeous face, so full of determination and fear and conflict and cause any more pain. I didn’t know what I was going to do. All I could do was ignore everything and go on like nothing was the matter.

  I was the walking embodiment of denial.

  The air had become soupy around us until I could barely breathe, and dark clouds drooped low, grumbling with the threat of thunder.

  “You going for a swim?” Blake finally said.

  I glanced at my shoulder, and could see the edges of my red bathing suit showing under the light gray dress. The towel poking out of my tote bag was another giveaway.

  “I was. But the indoor pool by the mall is closed now. I really, really could have done with a good swim. I don’t know why I didn’t go.”

  “Yeah, I could go for a swim too.” Blake pinched the front of his shirt and wafted it. His eyebrows dropped, and his eyes looked as stormy as the clouds above us. “I know another place. If you want to come with?”

  No. NO. Say you can’t see him again. NO.

  “Yeah, that sounds great. Let’s go.”

  Blake led me back to his bike, and this time I insisted he take the only helmet since he hadn’t brought a second one. I thought he would fight me on it, but he was only silent for a second, then put it on.

  It was a ten-minute ride back to his place, which we managed in five. The clouds above us rumbled, but held steady, refusing to spill cooling rain. I expected Blake to change, which he did. But not only did he emerge with swimming trunks on, but also with a hefty-sized pair of pliers in his hand. Bolt cutters? I wasn’t sure. I didn’t question it.

  He also brought out his spare helmet. I put it on, and within two minutes we pulled up out the front of an old-fashioned outdoor pool. It was big and rectangular, all blocky concrete and chipped lane markers, wrapped around with a high chain-link fence and a faded building with locked turnstiles at the front.

  “It’s closed, too.” I don’t know why I pointed it out. I knew exactly what the bolt cutters were for now.

  Blake took them in one hand and me in the other, and we dashed around the edge of the chain-link barrier to a small side gate. We crouched slightly, but weren’t making a huge effort to be discreet. There was no one around, and the thick clouds made the early dusk as dark as night.

  I jiggled nervously on the spot, acting as lookout while Blake flexed his muscles and clipped right through the basic padlock that chained the gate closed.

  This has got to be breaking and entering, a helpful little voice in my head pointed out. That was definitely breaking.

  I entered anyway.

  I glanced around, but couldn’t see any obvious cameras. I wasn’t even sure the pool was still in use, but the faint smell of chlorine as I drew closer told me it was at least being maintained. A few dead leaves floated on the surface, but the water was otherwise clean, and when I dipped a toe in, the chill of the unheated water raced a shiver from my feet to the crown of my head. It was perfect.

  I dumped my tote bag and pulled my dress off over my head, kicking my shoes onto the still warm concrete. I was about to dive in when I remembered Blake next to me.

  The way he watched me then made me catch my breath.

  I’d bought a new, retro-style bikini with big red polka-dots that seemed cute and daring—for me at least. I suddenly felt naked, and my hands automatically moved to adjust the bottoms and cover my stomach.

  “You’re the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.” His voice sounded so sad.

  He turned away before I could react and removed his T-shirt. I wanted to echo his compliment, but my voice caught in my throat, and before I could speak, I turned away as well.

  “You got a tattoo?”

  I suddenly wished I could cover my back as well as my front. I fought off my self-consciousness and lifted my long hair away and twisted it into a bun so Blake could see the tattoo fully. “Do you like it?”

  “It’s perfect for you.”

  Before I could ask why he seemed so sad, he took my hand again and pulled me into the water with him.

  It splashed around us as we fell in, inelegantly. It was cool enough to make me gasp, and then sigh happily. It was exactly what I needed.

  I surfaced with a laugh, and even Blake’s stunning face lit up with a smile that broke my heart. His body brushed against mine, seal-slick and firm.

  Soon, I forgot any thought that we may be caught out here, breaking the law. For a little while, we forgot we were grownups at all.

  We circled each other, splashed, shrieked, and laughed. We played Marco Polo and Blake pretended to be Poseidon, chasing a wanton mermaid. Blake grabbed my foot after I kicked water at him, and dragged me deeper into the pool. We ducked under the tiny rope with its floating blue and white baubles and floated underwater together, pulling funny faces at each other.

  Lightning struck nearby, illuminating the whole pool. A huge rumble of thunder shook the chain fence, and the temperature dropped at least ten degrees. A slight steam rolled off our shoulders and I huddled next to Blake shivering and giggling. The damp air grew more humid, more chlorinated, filling my nose.

  Blake took my arms and placed them around his neck, then held me by the waist, floating me within his arms. I wrapped my legs around his hips and we bobbed along through the refreshing water. Goosebumps covered my skin, and I clung to Blake’s warmth. I pressed my mouth to his neck in light, nibbling kisses.

  Blake shivered against me. I tightened the grip of my legs and could feel him firm under his trunks. My body wanted to take over, and I let it. I wanted to exist in moments of only action and no thought. Only sensation and no consequence.

  I tucked my fingers and then toes into the band of Blake’s shorts, and then pushed them right down off his legs. He leaned in and kissed me, overtaking my mouth with his. I could have drowned, right there and then, in that water, in his kiss.

  I settled my legs around him again, feeling his hardness against me, only the bikini bottoms separating us. With an arm still around his neck, I reached the other down and held aside the fabric. Blake groaned, pulling back.

  “It’s okay. I’m on contraception,” I lied. I didn’t care. There were no consequences tonight. I’d deal with it the morning after.

  Blake’s kiss deepened, and he pressed up. The sticky pool water created a friction between us, and I could feel every movement heightened as he worked his way slowly inside me.

  Every motion was deliberate and soft. I wanted to feel each shift of our bodies, to be in that moment, joined together as the water embraced us both. Soon, the friction eased, and we glided against each other.

  Blake bit down on my shoulder and cupped my ass with strong fingers. He controlled my rise and fall with his han
ds, my body floating feather-light in the water. I lay back, letting him slide me over him as I watched his chest muscles roll, glistening in the water and lightning.

  Lust consumed me, and I reached down to touch myself. I hesitated at first, seeing how Blake watched me. Testing, I rolled a finger against my sensitive flesh as he pumped into me, and Blake grunted loudly. “Fuck yes.”

  His speed built, and mine matched it, the water swirling and splashing as pleasure built in even larger waves. Then the sky opened up, fast, fat drops of icy rain colliding with us.

  My whole being was caught, trapped in the sensations, in how good Blake felt, how firmly he fitted inside me, how intensely he looked at me.

  I tipped over the edge of pleasure, falling into an ocean of release. I cried out, just as Blake’s own orgasm hit.

  My head rolled back, and I saw a pair of feet clad in ugly, official-looking black shoes stopped right beside us at the edge of the pool.

  “You two are in a hell of a lot of trouble,” the uniformed security guard said.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Blake

  We sat dripping in the front office, waiting for the cops to come.

  Georgina had put her dress back on over her wet swimmers. She rummaged around in her bag. I thought she was going to call her dad or someone, but instead she pulled out her purse, and from it, that little black book of hers.

  I could only gape at her as she clicked her pen and crossed out another list item.

  Anger made my hands shake.

  Two police walked in, led by the security guard who pointed at us with the butt of his torch. The older cop looked like he wanted to laugh. The younger one looked new to the job, and kept blushing and checking a notebook.

  We got put into the back of the cop car and sent on our way. Thankfully, the security guard had let me put my trunks back on before the cops showed up, but it was still awkward and uncomfortable. I couldn’t even look at Georgina.

  The cops talked to each other, laughing and making jokes at our expense, all the way to the station where Georgina and I were left in a waiting room.

  But Georgina didn’t wait. She left me and went to talk to someone, then they went to talk to someone else. I didn’t even get to make a phone call because they yanked me back out and put me in the wind so fast that I didn’t have time to ask what the hell had happened.

  I was free to go, and I knew Georgina was the reason.

  I spent an hour pacing up and down in front of the station, getting soaked to the bone, before she finally came out, too.

  Her eyes were raw and red, but her expression was bright. Calm. Even cheerful.

  She walked up to me as if she had just spent the better part of the evening having tea and crumpets with a bunch of old ladies instead of having her statement taken by cops.

  She took all the blame. She swore up and down that she was the one who’d cut the lock. That it was all her idea. That she’d pay any damages. That she’d instigated everything. I wondered what else she told them about her specific situation that might have tipped the balance there. My breath became fast and shaky.

  “They gave me a three-hundred-dollar fine and a black mark on my rap sheet. Not bad for a day’s work.”

  It was the way she said it. She didn’t give a flat flying damn that she had just been in jail, or that there might be more consequences somewhere down the road. She didn’t care about anything. She didn’t even care to wear a helmet on my bike. She was fucking suicidal, and all that mattered for her was getting one more list item ticked off.

  I pointed a finger at her as violently as a gun. “How long are you going to continue like this? Pretending nothing is wrong?”

  She blinked, then her face went carefully blank. “What do you mean?”

  “Stop. Fucking. Lying. To me!”

  The rain fell harder, hiding what I was sure were tears on her cheeks. Her hands came up. She made a helpless gesture and then crossed over her chest, like she was trying to hold herself in. “Blake …”

  “I know about the cancer.”

  She doubled over. It was like I had put my size-twelve foot right into her gut at full force. “How?”

  “Mary.”

  “She felt the lump.” Her words were hoarse and strained.

  “And the scar on your breast?”

  Her expression shattered. Her words were wracked with sobs. I’d never seen her cry, not like this. Like all the things she’d been holding in finally burst free.

  I tried to reach for her, to say something, but she shrugged me off like I was an old coat.

  Her sobs slowed and she spoke between them. “I’ve had breast cancer before. I found … I found a new lump. I’m pretty sure it’s cancer.”

  “Pretty sure? You mean you don’t know? Not for sure?”

  Her voice shook, and she stared away, back up the station steps. “I know.”

  “Have you been to the doctor?”

  “No. I can’t. I just … I can’t.” She sighed, a long, low exhalation, then finally met my gaze again. Her eyes were red-veined, and wet strands of hair made patterns across her pale cheeks.

  “You do know that the rest of us still have to live here after you’re gone? That we have to live with how you’ve used us?”

  Anger flashed over her features. “You chose this. You chose to do the things on my list with me. I have never forced you into anything. You don’t get to decide what I do with what remains of my life.”

  I wanted to shake her. My voice raised, competing with the pelting rain. “You could be killing yourself. You could be doing all these things for no reason—acting like the end is near when there is nothing wrong. You have to get checked.”

  “I don’t have to do anything. I won’t. You don’t understand.”

  “I don’t understand?” Fury made my lips twitch. Lightning flashed. I blinked and saw Seyvia, lying in her own vomit on our bed, her skin blue. “You think you’re special? That you have a monopoly on tragedy and loss? That I haven’t lost someone I loved?”

  Georgina’s head shook. “I’m sorry.”

  “Every human life is a tragedy. We all die. That’s the only way our stories can end, and the only way to avoid that is running away from anything real.”

  The rain thumped down harder. It was like the sky held an ocean and dumped it all out on top of us.

  Georgina wiped her face and stared up at me with clear eyes. “Then this is it. This is over. We’re over.”

  “You … You’re choosing to run away?” I don’t know why it shocked me. It’s what I had planned to do. It’s what I chose for so long. I’ve been running away ever since Seyvia. But this was real. What I felt for Georgina was real. I didn’t want to run from life, or death, anymore.

  “I won’t see you again. This story ends here. Goodbye, Blake.”

  “Don’t. Georgie, please—”

  She turned and ran.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Georgina

  I ran for two full blocks, blinded by rain and tears, breath burning in my straining lungs.

  He knew. He knew I had cancer.

  My heart felt like a thousand butterflies were trapped in the cage of my ribs along with it. I stopped under the shelter of a closed mall entrance and leaned against the large window. Inside, mannequins looked bright and happy in fluoro-colored sundresses. My saturated gray dress sagged around me, clinging and drooping against a body I hated in every way.

  I collapsed onto the ground and dug through my bag. My fingers closed around my phone, and thankfully, it was still dry and working.

  I wanted to call my mom. Have her come and collect me and hold me. Be stern with me about my choices, but clearly love and forgive me and just be happy I was alive.

  Mom, why aren’t you here with me? I need you.

  I couldn’t call Dad. What would I say to him?

  So I called Julie.

  It rang out three times. I checked the time and realized she was probably on her way home fro
m work. I kept ringing.

  Finally, she answered. “Hi.”

  “Hey, Julie? Can I ask for a huge favor?”

  Within twenty minutes, her little white smart car pulled up in front of me. The rain had eased a little, and I raced over and jumped in as quickly as I could. I landed on the passenger seat to find she’d laid down towels for me.

  “You’ve got a strange idea of what a huge favor is,” Julie said plainly. “I thought you were going to ask for a kidney, not a lift home.”

  “Thanks for coming to get me.” My voice shook.

  She looked me over properly. “Are you okay? You haven’t been hurt by someone, have you?”

  I shook my head, barely holding back my tears. “I’m okay. I just got caught out in the rain.” I’m the one who has been hurting people.

  “You sure? You can tell me. I can come with you to report it.” Julie was as sincere as I’d ever seen her.

  I shook my head, doing my best to look A-okay. “Really, I’ve done my time for the night. I just want to go home.”

  “No problem.” Julie shrugged. She zipped back onto the road, her tiny car rocking with the sheets of rain, and her windscreen wipers pumping and squeaking their hearts out. “Oh hey, check it out.” She thumb pointed at the cotton tote bag beside my feet, which was full of chocolate.

  I sniffled out a laugh. “Thank you. I need it more than you know.”

  “That’s okay. Maybe we can do breakfast again. As long as you make the coffee to go with it.”

  I watched her as she drove, so calm and sure of herself, and in her support of the complete mess sitting in the seat next to her. Julie was a surprise in my life I’d never expected.

  “You’re such a good friend.” I tried to say it lightly, but I choked up halfway through.