My Life in Shambles: A Novel

by Halle, Karina

  “What are we doing?” she asks while I open the first door on the second floor. The room is small but it’s right above the pub and I’m pretty sure these walls ain’t soundproof. Knowing the bloody lot of perverts downstairs, they’re sure to be listening.

  “Exactly what it looks like we’re doing,” I say, leading her down the hall to the end, opening the door to the last room. “This will do.”

  “We’re staying for a night?”

  I grin at her. “If that’s what you want, then that’s what you’ll get.”

  Before she can say anything, I’m pulling her into the dark room and slamming the door behind us.

  Even though I came just minutes ago, the hunger for her rises back inside me, stronger than ever, and I attack her like the savage beast that I am.

  I throw her back on the bed and she bounces on the mattress, giggling, and then I’m on her, pulling off her coat while trying to pull off mine. We’re a mess of clothes and hands, both of us growing more and more desperate to get naked by the moment, for me to get inside her.

  “I’ve never needed to fuck this bad, darlin’,” I say as I bite and nibble at her neck, trying not to break skin. My hands slide between her legs, her leggings and knickers pushed down to her ankles. Both of us are naked except for our pants bunched around our boots.

  That doesn’t matter. It’s a sexy look right now.

  I keep ravaging her, sucking on her gorgeous full tits, licking up and down her soft and creamy skin like she’s a bloody ice cream cone. The way she writhes above me, breathless and gasping softly, makes me hard as iron, and I reach down and start stroking my cock as I move back and bring my face between her legs.

  She tastes so fucking sweet, I wish I could bottle her up. “Does this feel good?” I ask as my tongue slowly traces around her clit.

  “Yes,” she says, her breath hitching. She doesn’t even have to tell me, I can feel her getting wetter by the second.

  Then she says, “Harder!” and surprises me by grabbing my hair and pushing my face further into her sweet cunt.

  Fuck, I love it that she’s giving me direction. I want her to tell me everything she wants so I can keep on giving it to her.

  I want to give her everything.

  So I go harder, my tongue and lips licking and sucking, and then she’s bucking her hips up into my face, her thighs tightening as she comes.

  “Oh my god. Oh my god,” she cries out, followed by a string of garbled words. I keep sucking at her clit until her convulsing slows and she lets go of my hair.

  She lies there, spread out and sated.

  Of course I’m not done with her yet. I don’t think I’ll ever be done with her.

  Why can’t she stay here for good?

  Why can’t this be real?

  But I don’t let those thoughts take control of me like they want to. I shove them aside to deal with later, the way I’ve been dealing with everything else.

  There’s only the here and now.

  I quickly slip a condom over my cock, feeling the thick heat of it against my palm.

  “Turn over,” I tell her, even as I’m sliding my hand under the small of her back and turning her until she’s on her stomach. Then I grip the sides of her hips and pull her back so she’s at the edge of the bed.

  Fucking lucky.

  Her arse is perfect and it wants, no, it demands to be spanked.

  I raise my palm and give her a good wallop against one cheek, the sound filling the room.

  Valerie giggles and then giggles again when I do the same to the other cheek, this time harder, watching her arse ripple and a pink handprint bloom against her pale skin.

  “You fucking like that, darlin’?” I ask as I start stroking my cock again. “Do you want more of that or do you want me to fuck your pretty brains out?”

  “I guess it depends on if I’ve been a bad girl or not,” she says.

  Dazed, I stare at her as she raises her head and shoots me a cheeky smile over her shoulder.

  “Oh, you’re fucking getting it,” I tell her, and spank her over and over again, the sound getting louder and louder, my palm buzzing from the impact. Her arse is completely red and pink, and when I look up her fingers are gripping the covers, holding on tight.

  For a moment I think maybe I took it too far, that she’s in pain, but then she just wiggles her arse in my face and says, “Well are you going to fuck me now or what?”

  God, she’s a bossy thing, isn’t she?

  “I thought you’d never ask.”

  I grab the base of my cock and the side of her hip, my fingers digging into her delicate skin, and slowly push myself inside her.

  Jesus.

  I’m dead.

  She’s so fucking wet, so damn tight, it’s making my eyes roll back in my head. Even though I’d just come, I know I have to take things slowly so I can remain in control. At the very least, I need to get her off again.

  And again and again.

  I want to spend all night in this room, her body and my body, naked and writhing and messy, until the sun rises and we’ve almost fucked to death.

  I’m becoming delirious.

  With my grip tightening on her hips, I pull her back into me until my cock has sunk into the hilt and she holds me like a slick glove, every single nerve in my body crying for sweet release, the dire need to come.

  “Oh fuck,” I gasp as all the air leaves my lungs and I feel like I might lose my mind.

  “Harder,” she says, her breath quick.

  “Jesus, you’re greedy,” I say hoarsely. “I can give it to ye harder but I’m warning you, you might not be able to walk tomorrow.”

  “Just give it to me.”

  I grin and pull back just enough to slam into her, hard and balls deep.

  “Oh god, oh GOD!” she cries out, and I’m relentless because for a moment it feels like I am her god. I work my hips harder, rutting into her ruthlessly, the bed moving and creaking enough that I think it will go through the wall.

  “Fuck yes, fuck yes,” I grunt through each powerful thrust, pumping into her like a savage machine, watching as her arse ripples from the impact.

  I don’t have much longer.

  “I need you to come,” I manage to say. “I need you to go wild for me.”

  She cries out something, and I place my hand underneath her hips, feeling her slick clit. My fingers are practically drowning in her.

  A blinding orgasm rips through my body at the same time I feel her come on my cock, hear her screaming my name as it echoes around us. And yet I can’t stop, I keep powering through, relentless, like I’ve been possessed. It takes a good minute for me to stop emptying out into the condom, an orgasm that never ends.

  “Shite,” I say, half collapsing onto her, my sweat dripping off my body and onto her back. I can’t say anything more than that, I’m breathing too hard and my head feels like it’s in another dimension.

  “You’re a fucking animal, you know that?” she says, barely able to raise her head and look at me over her shoulder. Her lids are heavy, and her smile is sated and a little loopy.

  “You bring it out of me,” I tell her, straightening up and grabbing hold of her hip as I pull out, making sure the condom doesn’t spill. “I can’t be blamed for any of it.”

  She eyes her arse. “Even though you spanked me like no one has ever been spanked before?”

  I grin at her cockily. “That’s what you get for saying yes to new adventures.”

  * * *

  Valerie and I got back home at about three in the morning, after fucking each other’s brains out for hours in Alistair’s hotel room. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of sleep or the beers, but when I finally get up in the morning, my head is pounding like a drum.

  I pop one of my dad’s pills, though it’s not so much for my headache. Lately, my body has been extremely sore, this constant burning pain in my legs, especially at night when they seem to get these extreme cramps. The pills my dad gave me don’t stop the
burning but they do stop the spasms. The doctor told me this might happen and to return to him when it did.

  I don’t want to think about that, but I know I’ll run out of the pills sooner than later and alcohol is only a temporary fix.

  Thank god that sex seemed to do the job, I think.

  I take a shower, standing under the hot water until the painkiller starts to kick in, then get ready for breakfast.

  Valerie is already there, along with my nan and the Major, and the moment she meets my eyes, she smiles shyly and looks away.

  I stand there for a moment, trying to imprint this scene in my memory. Valerie looks so fresh faced and devious all at once, and I love how she can be so dirty in the bedroom and yet still blushes like there’s no tomorrow. Meanwhile the Major is talking about the weather to Nan, who is spearing her eggs like they’ve done something personal to her.

  The scene is so happy and wholesome.

  And fake.

  This is all for show, the voice in my head says. She’s not really yours, not in this sense. She’s a bird on your arm for now, but sooner or later, she’s going to fly away.

  She’s going to go home.

  I swallow hard and then quickly shake the feeling out of me.

  “Yer going to have to help yourself, boy,” my nan says to me.

  I pick up my plate and kiss Valerie on the cheek.

  “Where’s Dad?” I ask my nan.

  “Gail drove him to the doctor this morning,” Nan says.

  “Gail? Why, what happened?”

  “Nothing happened,” she says with a shrug. “He has to go once a week and she takes him. When he eventually can’t make the journey then the doctor will come here. At some point we’re going to need a nurse too but…” She pauses, seeming choked up. “I don’t want to think about that yet.” She sighs. “I would have to move out of the cottage and in here, and she’d have to move in there and then how am I going to rent out any rooms when they’re all taken by you buggers?”

  Turns out sadness and annoyance are interchangeable with my nan.

  “But I’m here now,” I tell her. “That should be my job to take him to the doctor.”

  She gives me a steady look and then says, “If ye like. It’s just nice enough having ye around.”

  “But I don’t want to just hang around. I want to help him. You should be using me.”

  “Yea, well, that’s something to discuss with yer father.”

  “But he’s sick,” I say, because I can’t bring myself to say the word dying. “At this point we should be making decisions for him. Where is his doctor anyway? Surely no one in Shambles can help him.”

  “He goes to one in Cork. It’s only an hour away. I’d have taken him if I could but people get so worked up when I drive. I mean, I been doing it for seventy years, for feck’s sake,” she grumbles into her food.

  All I know is that Gail isn’t driving him anymore. I don’t trust her for beans and I don’t have much time with my father left. I need to make amends. I need to reach him before it’s too late.

  “I can drive him,” the Major speaks up. “I was a brilliant driver until they took my license away.”

  “It’s quite all right, Major,” I tell him. Rumor has it they took his license away when he drove right through a barn and into a pile of manure. He used to have a convertible, too.

  About two hours later, my dad and Gail come back. I’d been sitting on the couch with Valerie while she goes over her falconry books and looks up videos on YouTube, when I spot them walking through the backyard to the cottage.

  I quickly throw on my boots and run outside into the frosty air.

  My dad looks totally knackered and leans on Gail as they walk down the gravel path.

  I immediately go to his other side to help, putting his arm around me. Christ. This is the first time I’ve been this close to him since I got here, and it’s like holding on to a skeleton, even when he’s bundled up in a coat. I’m afraid if he collapses he might crumble into dust.

  “I don’t need yer help,” he says, and tries to push me away but he can’t even move his arm. “I’m not a cripple.”

  I know Valerie would cringe at that word but I don’t bother saying anything to my dad about it now. He’s about the most un-PC guy I know.

  Still, I help him and tell Gail I’ll take it from here.

  “I don’t think you know what you’re doing,” Gail says.

  “Walking my dad to his bed?” I say to her over my dad’s head. “I think I can manage.”

  “Padraig, just leave me be,” my dad says, wincing in pain. “Knowing yer track record, you’ll probably drop me.”

  That was a low blow, even for a guy in a lot of pain.

  I somehow manage to swallow my anger, but I don’t step away either. I keep him supported as Gail opens the door, and together we lead him inside and over to his bed.

  “Ach, can I get some privacy now?” he says, head lolling against the pillow. “Away with ye.”

  “Can we get you anything?” Gail asks.

  “Am I allowed more pills?”

  “No.”

  “Then away with ye. Leave me in peace.”

  He closes his eyes and promptly begins to snore, either really asleep or badly faking it.

  We exit the cottage and Gail tries to hurry back to the house, but I pull her aside. “How was it? The doctor. What happened?”

  “Oh, ye want to know? Do ye know I’ve been helping your dad for months now and I never even heard a peep outta ye.”

  Hmmm. It’s possible that Gail isn’t mad at me because I was an arse when we were together, just that I’ve been neglecting my dad.

  “I know. I’ve had a rough go,” I explain, though it sounds weak to my ears, even if it’s the truth.

  “This whole time? You could have checked in.”

  “I did. Many times. Nan said everything was fine.”

  “Because she didn’t want to worry ye.”

  “So, fine. That’s what I thought. That everything was fine.”

  “You never asked how I was doing.”

  I frown. “I’m sorry?”

  She rolls her eyes and now I have no idea what her deal is. “Anyway, the doctor, he’s good enough.”

  “But he’s a country doctor. My doctor in Dublin, he knows a specialist, there are ways they can help.”

  She shrugs. “That’s up to you and your father. Do you really want to take him up to Dublin? There’s nothing they can do. You know that by now, don’t ye?”

  I swallow, refusing to accept it even though I’ve known the reality. “He could pull through.”

  She presses her lips together and shakes her head. “No. He’s not going to. He only has a month left, six weeks at most.”

  “A month,” I repeat dumbly, feeling like I’ve received a blow. “They … Nan said he had months. At least six months. Maybe a year.”

  “I’m sorry, Padraig,” she says. “Those were always hopeful estimates. But your dad is … he’s in a lot of pain.”

  “I know.”

  “No. Not just physically. Emotionally. Losing his family.”

  I look at her sharply. “He hasn’t lost everything. I’m here now.”

  “But you’re not really, are ye? You’re here because you feel guilt and you want to patch things up until he goes. You want to absolve yourself. You want to prove something to him, but he knows you wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

  “You know nothing about me.”

  She folds her arms. “You’re right. I don’t. And I don’t think your fiancé knows ye either.”

  My jaw tightens. “This has nothing to do with her. This is about my father. And I don’t care what you and your Holy Joe attitude have to say about it. I’m here and I’m staying here because I’m his son.”

  “If you’re his son, maybe you should show him that.”

  “I’m trying.”

  “You’re trying the wrong way and for the wrong reasons. Look, ye know he’s a deeply un
happy man and always has been, ever since your mam and sister died. He’s a broken shell of a person. Sometimes I think you might be the same. And, it’s truly sad, but it might be too late for the both of ye.”

  And at that she leaves, hurrying off to the house and disappearing inside.

  Leaving me outside.

  Just a shell of a man.

  Maybe she’s right.

  I’ve spent my whole life going through the motions. Before my mother and sister died, I’d spent all my time pleasing my dad. After they died, I did everything I could to anger him. The moment I was old enough to leave the house and play rugby professionally, I did. I dedicated every waking second to the game because there was nothing else to dedicate my time and my life to. My beloved mother was gone and my father hated me. There was nothing else but my career.

  And now what.

  Now I don’t have the game.

  And without the game, who am I?

  A broken shell of a man.

  “Padraig?”

  Valerie’s soft voice breaks through the darkness that swirls around me, reminding me that I’m standing in the sunshine, not swept into that internal black hole, the one I might never come out of.

  I look over and see her running across the lawn to me, my peacoat gathered in her hands.

  “What are you doing out here without a coat on, it’s freezing,” she says, handing me my coat.

  “Thanks,” I say absently, trying to snap back into the moment, to appreciate this angel in front of me. But there’s something tense on her face, the way she’s worrying her lip between her teeth. I’m guessing she just saw Gail and I talking and wonders what happened.

  “Do ye want to go for a drive?” I ask her, slipping the coat over my shoulders. I have the sudden need to get the fuck out of here.

  I think she can tell that too because she nods warily. “Oh, okay. Sure. Do I need to grab my purse?”

  “No. Let’s just go,” I say. I grab her hand and pull her along the side of the property to where the Cayenne is parked out front.

  “Where are we going?” she asks as I burn it down the driveway and onto the main road. The SUV hits a patch of black ice for a moment but I quickly correct it. Judging from the white-knuckle grip Valerie has on her seatbelt, I better slow down some.