Outside In

by Chrissie Keighery

  Jack had stayed near Jordan for ages. He’d hung around her until Sam shouted at him to put the ball into play.

  There was no drizzle now. Just a bit of fog covering the ground like a low cloud. It was as if the day had turned into night at the wrong hour.

  Lee stared as a basketball was tossed onto the court. She watched Jack follow the ball, glancing back at Jordan.

  His broad shoulders, the spikes and flips of brown hair, his long legs, his blue eyes.

  Ran away.

  Mr Moulton walked around the tables, floating Macbeth essays in front of their owners. He was all sideburns and gelled hair and checked shirt, and he had a way of sitting on the students’ tables that seemed a touch too intimate for Lee, a bit un-teacherly. His passion for the subject seemed a little untamed. But he was everybody’s favourite teacher, and so he was Lee’s too, she supposed.

  He started at the back of the room. Lee heard him congratulating the new girl and turned around to look. The new girl always sat by herself. She was obviously smart, but she kept her head down even as Mr Moulton gave her the sign of two thumbs up. Which also wasn’t very teacherly. Or maybe Lee was just uptight, maybe that was why…

  Lee looked around her table as she waited for him to return her essay.

  Meredith was tapping her fingers in tempo to a song Lee vaguely recognised.

  ‘Brilliant as usual, Mr M?’ Meredith asked as he dropped her essay in front of her. She kept drumming her fingers on the pages, not missing a beat as Mr Moulton smiled his sideburns.

  ‘A little more effort, a little more brilliance, Moo,’ he said.

  Meredith flipped the page over to look at her mark. ‘B, bb, ba, ba, be ba.’ She sang her result with clicking fingers and a head waggle. Funny Meredith.

  Lee’s eyes moved to Jordan resting her chin on her hands. She was slow to look at her mark, didn’t really care. And why should she? Everything always turned out for Jordan in the end. A divorce? Well, never mind, here’s a new, perfect boyfriend…

  ‘Jordan, you did pretty well. Imagine if you’d actually read the book,’ Mr Moulton said.

  ‘Been very busy,’ Jordan responded quietly, not lifting her head from her hand. He wasn’t even cross with her. Lee could tell, because he just shook his head and raised his eyebrows as though he understood.

  Why did Lee always feel like she was missing out on something? Everyone seemed to connect with Mr Moulton except for her.

  Jordan glanced at her page. Lee could see a mass of red comments in the margin and a C in the top corner.

  Lee waited. She watched Cecilia now, sitting upright with her lovely dancer’s posture. Cecilia covered the red mark with her hand, like it was a bit embarrassing.

  But Lee had already seen the unsurprising triangle of an A, and the crisscross of a +.

  Lee followed the line of a curl with her finger, twirling and releasing, twirling and releasing.

  ‘Good try, Lee,’ Mr Moulton said, putting Lee’s essay in front of her. Looking down she saw a C+. That was what she had tried for.

  She wanted to shrug it off, Jordan-esque. She wanted to be cool. It was so annoying that her eyelids fluttered up and down, blinking like a crazy person. It was so annoying that people would know how she felt, even when she desperately wanted to keep those feelings private. She was hopeless. She couldn’t even get people to think she didn’t care about an essay.

  Lee felt a hand on her arm.

  ‘Lee, you’re blinking out again.’ It was so Meredith to point out the exact thing Lee most wanted to hide. All good intentions and a sting in the tail. ‘Don’t worry about it. It’s an OK mark. It’s average.’

  Lee lifted both sides of her mouth in an imitation smile that probably wouldn’t convince anyone. Meredith was right. It was average.

  Like everything else about her.

  ‘Jack and Jordy, Jordy and Jack,

  Looks like they’re gonna have a … heart attack,

  With a love nest here and a love nest there,

  Love just follows them everywhere!’

  Meredith was in the corner of the school toilets, facing the wall. She was hugging her arms around her waist, swaying and reaching down to pinch her own bum as she sang. She was pretending to make out with herself.

  Lee made sure her grin was adequate. She wondered whether the girls could see the indentation of skin under her lip, where she bit down on her fake smile. She hoped that Cecilia wouldn’t look too closely at her eyes. Lee could make her mouth smile, but the eyes were harder. Lee noticed Cecilia’s distracted smile and thought she might get away with it.

  ‘Geez, Moo,’ Jordan said, rolling her lovely eyes like a Disney Princess. ‘Can’t a girl have a friend who’s a boy these days without you making up one of your stupid songs? Jack is not my boyfriend. You, my darling, are a complete tragedy. A sad, sad girl.’

  ‘Yeah, well maybe you’re not officially together yet,’ said Meredith, ‘but really you should get on with it cos otherwise poor old Lee is just gonna keep wondering whether she’ll get a shot at the Delanty. Won’t you, Lee? Lee?’

  Lee couldn’t remember how to breathe. Couldn’t recall how to talk, or how to walk.

  ‘Meredith, stop it,’ Cecilia said, in the gentle way she had of speaking. ‘Can’t you see you’re hurting Lee’s feelings?’

  Lee could feel Jordan’s eyes swing over to her. But she wasn’t all there for Jordan to see. Part of her was running out of the toilets, bawling, screaming. She could almost see Lee Number Two, the Drama Queen. Letting it out, unleashing all the pain. Screaming at Meredith’s carelessness, yes, but more at Jordan’s dark eyes.

  Why you? You don’t even have to try. And that’s all I do. Everything just comes to you, falls at your feet. A thousand gifts for the Disney Princess, just for being. Jack looks at you and he’s blinded. He doesn’t even see me.

  And just the act of thinking it made her break out in a sweat. She had to call Lee Number Two back into the toilets. Of course, neither Lee would say anything.

  Little Miss Average would never make such a scene.

  ‘Lee, Meredith didn’t mean it,’ Cecilia said kindly. ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she said, her voice nearly normal. ‘It’s no big deal. I’m not that into him. Not really.’

  ‘See?’ Meredith said. ‘She just needed to know the truth is all. Now she can find someone else to like, right? There’s plenty of other fish in the pond and all that.’

  ‘You mean, in the sea,’ Cecilia said.

  ‘Yep, there’s even more in there,’ Meredith grinned.

  Jordan hadn’t said a word, and had just slipped out. That was another thing that Jordan just did. Lee didn’t even look at her as she left. It was too dangerous.

  Lee walked over to the wash basin. She pulled out some paper towels and wiped her forehead. The girl in the mirror stared back at her, mockingly. The frizzy blonde hair. The boring blue eyes. The pale skin that burned after ten minutes in the sun.

  She was so, so ordinary.

  Suddenly, Cecilia’s head popped over her shoulders. Lee knew that Cec had to be on tippy toes to make herself that tall.

  ‘Are you sure you’re OK?’ she asked, but Lee could tell that Cec had something else on her mind.

  Lee nodded.

  ‘So you’re all still coming to my recital tonight?’ Cecilia asked. ‘I got you all tickets, but if you can’t make it that’s OK. But if you can, you need to be there by 7.15 p.m., and if you’re late they won’t let you in, because they don’t let you in once the performance is going …’

  Lee let Cecilia’s words wash over her. No wonder Cec had been so distracted lately. It was typical Cec before a performance. She would stress out completely. Then she would be the best, most perfect thing on stage. She was so lucky, Cec, to be that talented. Her stress would turn into adrenaline tonight. It would pump through her, and make her exceptional.

  ‘And if you get there at 7.16 p.m., the world will explode, and there will be a giant e
arthquake and the stars will fail to come out and we will all die a truly violent and horrible death.’ Meredith’s mirror face was contorted. Her eyes were crossed and her mouth was in a cat’s-bum. Lee knew she could hold that look for ages. Nutso Meredith, who could make Lee laugh even now, even after what she’d said. Even though she knew the tears were ready and waiting.

  Her friends were so … themselves. It was like they’d sorted out who they were. While she was just … nothing-ish. Just a blob of Lee.

  ‘Of course we’re coming,’ Lee’s voice said clearly. ‘You’ll be great, Cec. You always are.’

  Lee stayed behind after the bell rang. She sat in a cubicle. Toilet paper for tears.

  She saw the Adidas hightops first, and recognised them straight away. They belonged to Jordan, who got away with them while everyone else had to wear school shoes.

  ‘Lee, is that you? I’ve been waiting for you at the lockers. Are you all right?’

  ‘Yes,’ Lee said, and it was such a short word to wobble.

  ‘Can you come out?’

  ‘No.’

  Lee heard the toilet door in the next cubicle open. Jordan’s hightops appeared in the gap.

  ‘You do really like him, don’t you? Lee, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. You never told me …’

  Lee squeezed her eyes shut. It was true that she’d never actually told Jordan how she felt. But Jordan probably wouldn’t have heard anyway. She was so … so absorbed in herself. So shut up inside her own world that she didn’t share the real stuff of friendship with Lee.

  Weren’t they supposed to discuss how she felt about her parents? Weren’t they supposed to talk about who they liked?

  That’s what friends did. But Jordan just made it impossible sometimes.

  ‘So, you didn’t know that I like Jack?’ Lee said, and she could hear the accusation in her own voice. Jordan should have known without being told. Cec did. So did Meredith. ‘No, you probably wouldn’t have. You don’t notice much, unless it’s about you.’

  Even while Lee was saying it, she felt awful. She felt mean. But she was so sick of Jordan not noticing, not knowing, when she should have.

  Lee’s heart thumped into the silence as she waited for Jordan to retaliate.

  Finally, Jordan spoke. ‘Lee, I did know you liked him. But I didn’t know it was serious. I thought it was just a crush and you would just … sort of move on …’

  ‘Like I did when Lucas didn’t like me, you mean?’ It was horrible, hearing the bitterness in her own voice. ‘Or when Rafe didn’t?’

  There was another pause. ‘Well, yeah, I guess.’ Jordan’s words came slowly. She was measuring them before she spoke. ‘You were amazing with all that, Lee,’ she said. ‘You are so strong. You just sort of adapt. I can’t adapt to anything, really. I can’t even get my head around my mum and dad splitting. We still spend ages trying to figure out what we did wrong, me and Mum, to make him leave. I just get stuck somewhere, and there I am, forever. But you cope. That’s part of the reason why everyone loves you.’

  Lee wiped a tear with the back of her hand. It was strange to hear Jordan saying this stuff. Nice things about her. And it was strange to have Jordan finally give a hint of what she was feeling. But Jordan didn’t know how it hurt to be rejected, ignored. She didn’t understand that Lee had no choice.

  ‘I wasn’t so strong. It hurt,’ Lee said. ‘I just had to cope. Adapt.’

  ‘Could you give me some lessons?’

  Lee looked up at the roof. She blinked away a tear.

  ‘Lee, I won’t like him, OK? I just won’t.’

  Lee felt like she was melting.

  Jordan was her friend. She could tell that the offer was genuine. But Jordan couldn’t make what was happening with Jack go away. Not even Jordan could control that.

  ‘Jordan, he likes you. You can’t do anything about that. I can’t do anything about that.’

  The hightops moved. Then, Jordan’s head was in the gap. Her hair scraped the concrete floor. It must have been uncomfortable. Jordan was making an effort.

  There was a cheeky smirk, some of the old Jordan in that upside-down face.

  ‘Maybe we can share him? You know, like my parents share me. You can have Wednesdays and every second weekend.’

  Lee shook her head. She wiped away the last tear. There was a smile playing around the corners of her mouth, and it might have been a small one, tiny even.

  But at least it was real.

  Lee loved working with handmade paper. Paper that had lumps and bumps and texture. The kitchen table was littered with glue and textas. The three cards she had made were small. Each of them was decorated with a different picture.

  The first was a line drawing of a ballerina, done in grey lead pencil. Lee smiled at her creation. She picked up a fine-tip gold texta and wrote the word ‘Grace’.

  The second card showed a pair of point shoes, slightly worn out at the toes. Pink satin ribbon frayed at the edges. These were shoes that had done some hard work. Lee chose a silver texta. And the word she wrote this time was ‘Talent’.

  The third card was more detailed. Lee had used glitter and colour to create a bunch of flowers. A bouquet of daisies, roses and tulips. It had taken ages. It had been such a delicate operation that Lee had almost forgotten about everything else while she worked.

  Now that she was almost done, thoughts started hovering. They were locked outside her brain, but they were knocking now, waiting to get back in and smash the peace. Sharp little thoughts would sneak around the door into her mind, impatient to remind her why Jack couldn’t like her, to remind her how ordinary she was.

  Lee opened the third card. Slowly and carefully, she wrote the word inside. Those thoughts could wait. They could line up and bump into each other as much as they wanted, because right now, there was peace.

  ‘Cecilia.’

  Lee stifled a yawn as Mr Moulton read out some old poem.

  Last night had been late. Cecilia had been more amazing than ever, leaping and prancing across the stage as though her body could fly if she gave it that command. As though she was only staying close to the ground because she was following the rules of the dance performance. Lee had been dazed and dazzled. Just imagine being so great at something …

  She had given a card to Jordan and one to Meredith. After the performance they had presented them to Cec. It had been awesome to see her surprise, her delight as she studied the messages. For a moment, Lee thought that Cec was going to cry. A darkness loomed over her delicate face like a storm cloud, and there was a little shake of her head, as if she didn’t deserve such praise. Very Cec, always giving herself a hard time. Perfect wasn’t quite good enough. For her.

  But there was lots of laughter as Meredith started mucking around, doing a clunky version of Cecilia’s performance that was totally, completely graceless. She had everyone in stitches.

  It seemed weird how Cecilia refused to come to the pizza place afterwards. Weird how she said she was too tired when she actually looked really pumped. When Meredith tried to pressure her, she made some excuse about having to get up early in the morning to catch up on homework. It didn’t sound like Cecilia; she was normally way ahead of everyone.

  Actually, when Lee thought about it, Cec hadn’t been out with them for quite a while. But she was probably making too much out of it. Worrying about nothing again. Cec was very busy with school and dancing. And last night, she must have just been tired, full stop. She obviously couldn’t find her second wind to come out for pizza. At least she’d found her first. At least she had soared.

  ‘OK, people,’ Mr Moulton called, his voice bringing Lee back into English class. ‘We’ve been under the skin of some of the best poets in history. Now let’s see what you guys can come up with.’

  Groans and moans ricocheted around the classroom. Mr Moulton was unmoved. He roved around the class like an actor, waving his arms about. Lee couldn’t help but watch him. He switched on the CD player, letting instrumental music provid
e background while he provided the vocals.

  ‘Yep. Let’s write a poem. It can be about you, or about someone special to you. Let’s write about how we really feel about ourselves, or about how someone else makes us feel. Let’s rip off our skin. Let’s show our pulsing hearts!’

  His chalk hit the blackboard with scribbled suggestions. They seemed to flow from his hand in time with the music.

  Lee squinted at the board. Why would she want to expose her pulsing heart in a poem? It was already out there for everyone to see. What she needed was to learn how to hide it all deep inside her, not to let it onto a page. Not that she could actually do that properly, anyway. Not that she would be any good at it.

  Lee looked around. Everyone had begun working. Cecilia had an arm protecting her page. Her head was bent in total concentration. She was probably writing something completely brilliant. Again.

  Lee sketched a butterfly in the margins. She drew dots and patterns on its wings. Flew it down the page, letting those wings fold and unfold …

  Looking around, Lee saw Dylan playing air guitar. He had picked out the violin part, and had his head thrown back and his eyes closed. Sam sat next to him, writing something in fits and starts.

  Behind Sam, Lee could see the new girl, sitting at her regular table, alone again. It was amazing how intense she looked. Something seemed to be spilling out of her. Her pen moved swiftly, left to right, left to right, about five times before it stalled.

  Lee watched her. The girl’s pen was still on her paper, and her head was angled up as though she was catching thoughts from the air. Lee wondered what it would feel like to be able to do that. She wondered what it would be like having smart thoughts entering your mind and flowing into your pen.

  The girl’s head moved and she caught Lee staring. Lee smiled at her, embarrassed. The girl didn’t seem to register the smile. She had a sort of invisible barrier around her, that girl. Maybe it blocked out the ordinary?

  Soon, the girl’s pen was moving again. Lee’s page was still blank, except for the butterflies in the margin.