Mad, Mad World

by J. D. Sloane

  “Well good for you,” he said taking another drink. “God knows, it has to be how Alicia wants it. Hey, how about when you want me to turn them on you just raise your hands and say, ‘Let there be light.’ That should uncomplicate things between us a little.”

  Alicia felt a shiver of warning run through her as Matt ran his tongue over his teeth and then tossed his empty bottle onto the rug, scratching his head with both hands as if fighting for control. He rolled his eyes in her direction, looking her over in that slow way she was coming to hate, that way that said that he had just gotten the better end of an important business deal and was wondering if she would notice. She bit back a curt response and then stood up and paced back into the dining room, pawing through her purse for her cigarettes.

  “I wasn’t sure if I’d see you tonight,” He said, his wide, bloodshot eyes tracking her across the floor.

  Alicia rolled her tongue over her lips, looking him over without smiling and realized with a flash of insight which wasn’t quite an epiphany that she was over Matt almost completely. She sighed quietly as she found her pack of cigarettes and then tapped one out into her palm, snapping open her lighter as she lit it with a quick wave of her hand.

  “Weren’t you?” She asked, tucking her long blond hair behind one ear as she leaned back against the table and met his gaze across the room. Hair that was long because he liked it that way. And blond because well, the camera loved blond hair, didn’t it? To hear Matt talk there almost isn’t any point in a female reporter being anything else, she thought. Because television news isn’t really about the story, as he’d told her at least a half a dozen times since they started dating. No, television news is about the ratings. And what’s better for ratings than some stupid stuck-up blond grinning like an idiot for the camera while all the men around her break all the real stories, the ones people listen to, the ones that matter…

  “Are you smoking again?”

  Alicia took a drag of her cigarette and glanced towards the door, letting out a long stream of smoke.

  “Did you go to the club the other night?” She asked, her voice clipped and careless.

  “Didn’t you ask me not to?”

  “Is that my answer?”

  “I thought I told you to take that shit out on the balcony. You said you were trying to quit.”

  “Maybe I changed my mind,” Alicia said giving him an impatient shrug as she folded her arms across her chest. “Just like you changed your mind about the club. People change their mind about things, Matt. It’s not the end of the fucking world.”

  Matt sat up, his face furrowing along familiar lines.

  “When did I say I changed my mind? Christ, Alicia! What has gotten into you lately? First you start missing meetings left and right and then you come in at all hours of the night…”

  “I’ve been busy. I’ve been working.”

  “At all hours of the night,” Matt repeated, his voice rising as he started to talk over her.

  Like he does whenever he hears something he doesn’t want to hear, she thought, pacing back and forth in front of the windows as she took another long drag off her cigarette. As if the sheer volume of his voice can somehow change the entire trajectory of a conversation.

  “I don’t even know why you keep doing leg work for that story, Alicia, because if you haven’t noticed, Dula isn’t exactly cooperating. No cameras, no story. That at least should be an obvious problem for you.”

  Alicia turned towards him and gave him a cool look across the floor as her shoulders twitched.

  “Dula’s letting us do the interview. One week from today.”

  Matt’s face registered a brief moment of actual surprise and then he reached for his bottle again, clearing his throat.

  “He agreed? When was this?”

  “I nailed him down yesterday,” she said shrugging. “I told him to stop wasting my time. That Ronan’s story deserves to be heard. I told him that if I didn’t do it, some other news station might. One that doesn’t know him and may not have his program’s best interests in mind.”

  “So you threatened him?”

  “No, I didn’t. I just rattled his cage a little, that’s all.”

  Matt stood up, his face doing all sorts of unpleasant things in the soft haze of light around them. Alicia looked over his expression quickly and felt a brief pang of guilt when she realized that although they’d had sex for hours the night before, she hadn’t been thinking about him at all. In her mind she was a less that twenty miles away, blinking up at a different face altogether as he danced his fingers above her lips without quite touching them, his dark eyes so wide and bottomless then seemed to have a gravity all their own…

  “No, you threatened him,” Matt spat, gesturing towards the floor in a quick, angry point. “For fuck’s sake, Alicia! Are you losing your mind? First you start this huge, public fight over a lifestyle you lead me to believe that you were into and then what? You start using my name, the station’s name, to start threatening contacts? I should pull you off this story right now. Give me one reason, just one, as to why I shouldn’t do it.”

  Alicia stamped out her cigarette and felt her temper skyrocket as she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror next to the window, her hair so blond and placid looking that she barely recognized her own reflection.

  “Why did you tell me to change my hair?”

  Matt turned to her, his anger changing into an expression of bewildered astonishment.

  “Why did I what?”

  “Why did you tell me to change my hair? When I started it was red and you said that it would be better if I went lighter. That the cameras liked blond hair better.”

  “I never said anything like that. You were the one who wanted to change it. You may have asked my opinion, but I never once said that anything about the cameras…”

  “Yes you did,” Alicia said through clenched teeth. “You wanted it lighter. So I changed it. You said Alicia sounded better, so I changed it. You told me how to dress, how to eat, how to talk. You were embarrassed of our relationship so I let you, I let you keep it a secret…”

  “Holy fucking shit,” Matt said wearily, holding up his hands as if he was surrendering. “Is that where we’re at now? The accusations phase? Because I never once asked you to do anything you weren’t up for Alicia. Remember that.”

  “And you were the one who brought up the club,” Alicia said, stabbing her finger at him as she walked past him towards the door. “Don’t forget that. I was fine with the way things were. I was happy with just us. It was you who went looking for something else, not me. I was just stupid enough to go along with it because I thought it’d bring us closer.”

  She reached for her purse, her gold eyes hardening as Matt cut her off, holding out his hand before she could make it into the hallway. He stepped in front of her and for one awful moment he looked exactly like the man she had fallen in love with, his blue eyes seeking hers out with something like hurt bewilderment.

  “I thought you liked the way things were with us, Alicia,” he said, his brow furrowing. “If you didn’t you should have said something.”

  “You’re right,” Alicia said, making a move to step around him. “I should’ve.”

  Matt stepped in front of her again, holding up his hand and Alicia felt that dim thrill of warning again, his eyes shifting over her in a way that made her skin crawl.

  “Christ, Matt. How drunk are you?”

  Matt’s face tightened with contempt briefly and then became more reasonable again.

  “Where were you today?”

  “I told you. I had some leads to follow up on.”

  “For the White interview. That makes sense. Find out anything interesting?”

  Alicia shifted on her feet and then sighed, adjusting her purse on her shoulder.

  “I did actually. I went to go see the motel manager about the night White’s girlfriend disappeared and it turned out that he might not
have been lying. Someone might’ve taken his girlfriend and killed her. I’m looking into it now.”

  “So where is this mysterious footage?” Matt asked, rubbing his hands together lightly.

  “I have a source,” Alicia said, shaking her head. “I also went to see Nolan, and he basically told me that even though he didn’t think Ronan had killed Brooke, he was responsible and belonged in jail. He practically said that he would lie to keep him there. I’m starting to think that the whole thing was just one giant, fucked up conspiracy.”

  Matt looked up at her, a slow, unpleasant smile lighting his face and then let out a rude laugh as he leaned back against the door, his face obscured slightly in the darkness around him.

  “So, what?” he asked, his voice hard with laughter as he cleared his throat. “Are you on some kind of crusade now? Going to be the girl who fights for the release of a murdering pyscho killer all in the name of justice? I got to hand it to you, Alicia. That’s one of the more creative ways I’ve heard of to destroy your professional credibility.”

  “You think I should just back off? Let them get away with it? They conspired to put him behind bars, Matt. The police force at least.”

  “And what inspired you to go see our well decorated ex-chief of police, if you don’t mind me asking?”

  Alicia’s mouth snapped shut and she gave him an icy look, her temper rising as Matt gave her that slow, drunken smile again, the one that made him look as if had been thinking about killing her for weeks now and had finally figured out where to dispose of her body.

  “What does that have to do with anything?” Alicia asked sighing deeply, her eyes darting towards him as Matt walked into the dining room and then tapped his finger on something at the edge of the end table with his back turned to her.

  “Wasn’t White by any chance, was it?”

  Alicia pressed her lips together as she realized it was her recorder and felt her entire body go rigid with horror as he pressed play, Ronan’s voice filling the silence around them like an electric charge.

  “So go ahead. Tell me what I want for it. See if you can- guess.”

  Alicia’s eyes flew open and she walked quickly across floor, dropping her purse as she lunged across the couch. Matt threw up his hand and gave her a dark look as he shoved her backwards, holding the recorder away from her.

  “Give me that, Matt,” Alicia said, her voice almost frantic as she took a shaky step away from him. “You had no right to go through my things.”

  “Oh, but it gets better from there. Wait, we’re coming to my favorite part.”

  Alicia felt a wave of nausea roll through her as Matt met her eyes, his face lighting up with something close to hatred.

  “You want to know what I think you really want? I think you want someone you can use. I think you miss that. Don’t you?”

  Alicia cringed as she heard her voice fill the silence around them and Ronan let a low moan, turning away as she brought her fingers up to her cheeks in a mindless kind of panic.

  “How’s this, Ronan? Brooke may have wanted you, but I need you. I do. This is all that I have. It’s the only thing I’m good at. And if I don’t prove it somehow then you’re right. I’ll spend the rest of my life on my knees in front of men like my boss. And don’t play fair, do they? They just never play fair.”

  Alicia heard Ronan say something, his voice dropping too low for the recorder to catch it and felt her body explode into goosebumps as she realized that he had been speaking against her neck at that point, his breath trailing across her collarbone like one long, uninterrupted kiss.

  He said, ‘What makes you think that I will?’ She thought, touching her lips as she remembered sliding her hand along the length of his cock, his pale beautiful face filling with a hunger so deep and primal it barely seemed human.

  And then he leaned closer, she thought. So close I could tell that he wanted me to touch him. That he needed someone to touch him. That he was lost in world filled with and pain and torment and rage and he wanted to forget it for just a few minutes. And he was going to make me help him forget it, whether I wanted to or not. He would let me think the choice was mine, but it wasn’t, it wasn’t. It never was…

  “Because you need me too,” she heard herself say, her words swallowed up almost completely as she heard her voice sink into an urgent whisper. “Don’t you. You want to use me, Ronan? Go ahead. Help me and I’ll be anything you want. I promise. You need to forget, don’t you? I can tell that you do. I’m very, very good at that. Help me and I’ll help you. You want me to, don’t you? I know what you need. I know what you need…”

  Alicia covered her mouth with her hand as she heard the tape slide into a sudden muffle of movement and turned around as Matt cleared his throat and snapped off the recorder, his expression stuck somewhere between brutal mockery and a painful rage-laced bewilderment.

  “It really does paint a picture doesn’t it?” He said, his voice rough with contempt. “And I should know. There’re hours of it here. I’m been sitting here listening to them, one by one, and trying to decide how much I could hurt you with this. I could destroy you, you know. I could turn your name into a fucking punchline.”

  “It’s not what you think. I was just trying to gain his trust, that’s all. I never even fucked him.”

  Alicia let out a startled cry as Matt whipped the recorder at the wall and turned her head in astonishment as he rushed forward, shoving her hard enough to stagger her.

  “I want you gone!” he yelled, grabbing her by the arms as his flushed face twisted with rage. “Tonight. I want you out of this house. And out of my station and out of my life!”

  Alicia felt the cool edge of panic grip her as Matt shook her at the end of each sentence and then released her so suddenly she fell backwards, the back of her head smacking the wall as she held up her hands.

  “You can’t just put me on the street, Matt,” Alicia said, her nerves fraying wildly as Matt ignored her and walking back over to the couch. “I have a right to be here.”

  She felt her stomach drop as he dropped her backup recorder to the floor, crushing it beneath his boot in one violent motion.

  “Don’t do that!” Alicia said, rushing across the floor without thinking. “Don’t! That’s weeks of work! Get your hands off of it!”

  Alicia grabbed his arm and Matt swung around smoothly and slapped her across the face, sending her box of files sailing across the room as she dropped to her knees.

  “You son of a bitch!” Alicia yelled as her face exploded into a wave of hot pain and felt her anger momentarily eclipse her fear. “How is it any different then all those girls you fuck at the club, Matt? How is it any different?”

  “You agreed to that,” Matt said, his voice shaking with rage as he pointed at her, his embarrassment beginning to cool his rage in all the wrong ways.

  “I didn’t agree to shit,” Alicia said savagely, turning her cheek in his direction so that he would have to see where he had hit her. “Your game, your rules. If I wanted to play, I knew exactly what I had to do and you went on pretending that everything was fine, didn’t you? I think you even liked that I couldn’t say anything because that’s how fucking twisted you are…”

  “You’re not on the lease,” Matt said, his voice lowering as he took a step towards her. “You’re not anywhere. And I want you gone! Do you hear me, you crazy bitch?”

  Alicia saw him turn, rushing back towards her piles of notes in a blind rage and swept the recorder at her feet into her hands as she scrambled to her feet, breaking into a run as he tossed them at the wall. She ran into the bathroom as saw Matt turn out of the corner of her eye and slammed the door shut as he ran after her, turning the lock sharply as he hammered at the door.

  “Get the fuck out here, Alicia!”

  “No!”

  She heard Matt scream a stream of unintelligible threats and bit back a terrified sob as she heard him kick at the bathroom door, the frame shuddering i
nwards in a sudden quake.

  “I want you out!” He screamed through the door. “Do you hear me? I want you out! I will run those tapes on the goddamn evening edition. Every household in this country will know what a pathetic, ungrateful whore you are…”

  “And I’ll call the police!” Alicia shouted, slapping the door with the flat of her palm as she heard him swear under his breath. “I’ll tell them what you did to me. You want to take me down, Matt? I’ll take you down with me.”

  Alicia paced way from the hall, wiping away her tears with an impatient swipe of her hand as she watched Matt’s shadow shift below the door.

  “No one will believe you,” Matt said, his voice low and raw. “Not after this. Once they know about you and White, it’s all over for you. Don’t you understand what that means, Alicia? You’re just some pathetic prison groupie now. No one will trust anything you say ever again.”

  Alicia bit her lower lip and then stepped up on the edge of the tub, looking out of the small window above the marble enclosure as she scanned the street below. Her heart sank as she looked up and down the outer wall frantically, knowing there was no way she would survive a jump from so high up and pressed her forehead against the tile as she heard Matt try the handle again.

  “Come the fuck out of there Alicia!” He shouted, kicking the door hard enough to rattle the mirror above the vanity. “Right fucking now!”

  Alicia let out a ragged sigh and then balled her hands at her sides, her nails digging into her palms until then drew tiny crescents of blood. She walked over to the door and stood in front of it, looking down at the sliver of light shifting near her feet.

  “No,” Alicia said, working hard to keep her voice cool and even as she heard Matt fall silent. “You want me gone, Matt? Fine. I’ll go. But you’re not going to fire me. You do that and I’ll sue the station so quickly you won’t have a chance to spin it. I am going to walk out of that door with everything I came here with, or so help me God, I will start screaming at the top of my lungs. And when the police show up I’ll have you thrown in jail for assault. Either way, you’re done.”