The Price of Royal Duty

by Penny Jordan

  ‘I should have loved her. It was my duty to love her.’ His voice was raw with the burden of past pain. ‘It was my duty to make our marriage as filled with love for each other as my great-grandparents’ marriage was. As a boy growing up, orphaned, with only my nurse’s stories of that love to show me what adult love could be, I believed that it was enough for me merely to want to love my chosen bride. I was both naive and arrogant. I made promises to myself for our marriage that I was unable to keep. Over the course of our wedding celebrations when I looked at my bride, despite her undoubted beauty, despite the fact that our marriage was one arranged for us with our best interests at heart, when I listened to her, when I saw how different our goals in life were, when I dismissed her as shallow and empty-headed, selfish and greedy, unkind to those who served her, and not worthy of the great love I had promised myself I would have for her, I showed that I was the one who was not worthy, not worthy of my duty, not worthy of the gift of love shared by my great-grandparents.’

  The words were pouring from him with an uncontrollable force now, increasingly desperate to escape and be heard, desperate to escape his desire to have them silenced, as though a part of him had yearned for this escape, this stripping down of himself to the bare bones at the root of his angry contempt for himself, so that his failings could finally be seen in the clear light of day. As though somehow he had been waiting for this moment and this one woman to lay bare his dreadful weakness and shame, because only she would understand, because only she …

  ‘I should never have married her.’

  ‘You had no choice,’ Sophia felt bound to point out.

  ‘I had the choice of choosing another path once I realised that my original goals for our marriage were not achievable. I could and should have chosen then to forge our marriage along different lines, practical royal lines.’

  Like their marriage, he meant, Sophia thought. That pain inside her meant nothing. She was as resolved to make their practical marriage work as he was. In fact, she preferred not loving him because not loving him meant that she could not suffer the pain of not being loved back.

  ‘I didn’t do that, though. I allowed myself to be directed by my own emotions, by my anger at myself for all that our marriage could never be instead of focusing on what it could be.

  ‘Nasreen was far more practical in that regard. She told me on our wedding night that for her our marriage was merely a diplomatic dynastic union and that her heart along with her body had been given forever to another man.’

  Ash heard the shocked indrawn gasp of Sophia’s breath.

  ‘She told you that she loved someone else?’

  ‘You pity me? There is no need. The truth is that I was relieved to discover that I would not have to bear the burden of a love from her that I already knew I could not return. However, since I was not prepared to countenance a continuation of their relationship and Nasreen was equally determined that it would continue despite the fact that he was married, there were frequent quarrels and much ill feeling between us. Nasreen’s plan for her married life was that she would live the life of a wealthy titled young woman in Mumbai, socialising with her friends. I, on the other hand, wanted her to spend more time here in Nailpur as my maharani, helping me to improve the quality of the lives of my people.

  ‘The night she died we had quarrelled even more than usual. I had gone to Mumbai and brought her back with me against her will to attend a formal court event. I had even insisted that she wear a sari that had been embroidered for her by some of the tribeswomen as a wedding gift.

  ‘Nasreen had objected to all of this. She had further told me that she had no intention of conceiving a child any time soon because being pregnant would stop her from living the life she wanted to live, and that I would have to wait until she was ready.

  ‘I was furious with her, and told her that I would not allow her to return to Mumbai. Whilst I was engaged in a business meeting she left the palace in the sports car she insisted on keeping here because she said that driving it was the only freedom she could have outside of the city. By the time I was alerted to the fact that she had gone, intending to return to Mumbai, it was too late to stop her. And too late to save her.’

  Instinctively Sophia reached out towards him in a gesture of sympathy and compassion. How could the touch of such a cool, healing hand on his own burn him with such intense pain? It was his guilt that was responsible for that pain, Ash told himself, that and the knowledge that he did not deserve Sophia’s compassion, because he did not deserve anything other than to endure the burden of his terrible guilt. That was the payment he had to make for his arrogance and his pride.

  She wasn’t hurt by Ash’s immediate avoidance of her touch, Sophia assured herself. What she was doing now was simply fulfilling part of her role as his consort. She may not love him as she had done as a teenager, but that did not mean that she could not feel for him, and be touched by this unexpected vulnerability he was showing her.

  The promise of the comfort of Sophia’s touch had been withdrawn from him. He deserved that loss, Ash berated himself inwardly. He deserved to suffer. He deserved to be punished for setting himself against Nasreen and not finding a way for them to make their marriage work, just because his pride had not been able to tolerate finding any success in their marriage once he had realised he could not love her. He had said too much to Sophia, expressed things he had always sworn to keep to himself, and yet even now, somehow, he could not stop allowing the words he knew damaged him from being said. It was as though he was being driven by a compulsion that wouldn’t let him go, a need to reveal to Sophia the very worst of himself in the aftermath of a shared intimacy that had taken him to a place he had never imagined he might find. Because he needed to punish himself for that experience? Because he needed to hear the words out loud to remind himself of exactly what he had done? Ash didn’t know. He only knew that he needed to reveal the true horror of what had happened, and that he was culpable.

  The deep breath he took tasted acidic in his lungs. Unable to look at Sophia he continued, ‘Nasreen must have had the top of the convertible down, because when they found her they discovered that she had been strangled by the scarf of her sari—the sari I insisted she had to wear—as it caught in the wheels of the car.’

  Tears burned the backs of Sophia’s eyes. Poor Nasreen and poor Ash, too. What a dreadful, dreadful tragedy. No wonder it had marked Ash so strongly. But Sophia still felt that he was being too hard on himself. That, of course, was typical of the man he was and typical, too, in its way of the younger Ash she remembered, the Ash who believed in doing the right thing and in being honourable, the Ash who had had his idealistic dreams.

  ‘I may not have been able to behave as a man of honour in my duty to love Nasreen,’ he continued bleakly, ‘but I can and will fulfil my duty to bear my guilt for her death.’

  Sophia’s heart ached for him. His revelations had shocked her, but more shocking, and far more dangerous, was her awareness of how keenly her own emotions had been touched by his pain.

  The danger of that feeling was brought home to her within seconds when Ash told her grimly, ‘It was because of my failure to find within myself the love I should have had for Nasreen that this marriage, our marriage, and indeed any second marriage I might have made, is based on practicalities. Emotions are dangerous when they take control of our lives.’

  Sophia could agree with that. She knew even now just how dangerous her emotions had been to her when she had loved him so passionately as a girl.

  ‘There is something else I must say. Tonight has again proved to us both, I hope, that we are sexually compatible. That will help to strengthen our marriage. I have also to say how much I appreciate the commitment you are making to my people in your role as maharani. You have an instinctive way with the women and the children. I have watched how they respond to you. It is through you I believe that I will be able to put into effect my plans to improve the education of the poorest amongst the people. I
am grateful to you for that, Sophia.’

  How truly he was humbling himself, Sophia recognised as she savoured the sweetness of his unexpected praise.

  ‘I am enjoying what I am doing.’ It was the truth and she was happy to say so. ‘I want to feel that I am making a contribution to the children’s future and that I have a useful role to play here in Nailpur, Ash, aside, of course, from that of giving you an heir. Perhaps there is more Santina in me than I ever thought. I don’t know. But I do know that my royal role here as your consort is one that I value. The education of the next generation is vitally important and everything I can do to help with that I want to do. I dare say there are plenty of other royal princesses who could have fulfilled the role as well, if not better, than me but—’

  ‘No.’ Ash stopped her, cutting across her immediately. ‘No. I cannot think of anyone who would make a better maharani than you, Sophia, or who would make a better and more loving mother to our children.’

  It was the truth, Ash recognised.

  ‘And there is no one who will make them a more honourable father.’ Sophia returned the compliment.

  An honourable father, she reflected later, after Ash had left her, but would he be a loving one? Her own father was honourable, but children needed love. There was no doubt that Ash had been badly affected by his marriage to Nasreen, and she could understand why. Remembering the idealistic young man he had been it was easy for her to see how dreadful it would have been for him to be forced to admit that he could not love the bride he had so confidently believed he would love because it was his duty, his destiny, almost, to do so. To have those ideals smashed by his own emotional inability to give Nasreen love would have destroyed the deepest of his core beliefs about himself. She knew how that felt in her own way. She had suffered a terrible loss of sense of self when she had understood the meaning of the gossip about her mother’s relationship with the English architect she had admired so much.

  But Ash had praised her as his maharani. He had shown her a desire that she could now accept belonged to their relationship. She had responded to that desire; she had welcomed it. These were the foundations on which she must now build her new life, and those foundations would no longer be overshadowed or undermined by her own previous false beliefs about his relationship with Nasreen. There had been a cleansing of that wound, and this was an opportunity for a fresh start between them. Just as long as she remembered and respected the fact that that relationship would be without love.

  But that was what she, too, wanted. She didn’t want to love Ash all over again and she wasn’t going to do so.

  CHAPTER NINE

  THE sound of Sophia’s laughter, warm and spirited, but soft with underlying tenderness, filled the private courtyard she had made her own, and had Ash hurrying towards her, eager to bring her up to date with the results of the soil tests he had just received with a view to enhancing the variety of crops the land could grow. The breaking down of his self-imposed barriers when it came to talking openly to Sophia about his first marriage had brought profound changes to his life, changes which all had their roots in his relationship with Sophia. Maturity had brought a confidence to the natural warmth of her nature, and the courtyard garden had become an oasis to which others seemed naturally drawn when it was occupied by his wife, as they brought her their concerns and their hopes.

  As he himself did?

  It was only natural that as a husband he should turn to his wife to discuss those issues that affected them both so closely, especially when they were also responsible for the welfare of his people. There was no law that said such discussions had to be held in the solemnity of a grand council chamber rather than discussed in the relaxed atmosphere Sophia had created so skilfully.

  As he approached her the sound of the running water of the fountain fell soothingly on his senses, but it was Sophia herself who was responsible for the swift uplift of his heart and the need he felt to smile.

  The sound of Sophia’s voice had his heart lifting. Because he knew he had made the right decision in marrying her, and because their marriage was working. There was a new atmosphere in the palace. The effects of their shared purposefulness with regard to the people, and the harmony between them, was reflected in the smiles and manner of those who lived close to them. He had much for which to be grateful. He had made the right decision. That decision had been based on logic without emotion just as the passionate intimacy he and Sophia shared in their bed together at night was based on a mutual natural physical desire that was also without the dangerous, potentially damaging effect of emotion. And yet if he was so sure that the decisions he had made were the correct ones, why did he so often feel the sharp sting of anxiety when he thought of Sophia? Why could he not relax until he had heard her laughter and seen her smile with their reassurance for him that she was content with their marriage? Those were emotional reactions after all.

  He was simply concerned that she should not overdo things, that was all. She had thrown herself into the new role she had taken on with so much enthusiasm and diligence that it was only natural that he should be concerned.

  Sophia tried to still the frantic, giddy, dizzy race of her heartbeat as Ash came towards her. It was just her body’s way of reminding her of the pleasure he gave it; it meant nothing else. It happened every time she saw him and she should be used to it by now after these past busy weeks of them working together for the future of his people, even if on this particular occasion there was a legitimate reason for her to feel happy to see him.

  She didn’t give any indication to him of that, though, when he made an appreciative sound at the sight of the tea tray. She dismissed the maid to pour the tea for him herself, saying with a smile, ‘I ordered it when I heard you’d got back from your meeting. How did it go?’

  ‘Even better than I had hoped,’ Ash told her, accepting the cup she handed to him. Their fingers touched, Sophia’s skin flushing sensually as Ash maintained the contact in a silent promise of the way they would spend the night. The sex between them was a bonus in their marriage that benefited them both, Sophia acknowledged. A bonus which if she was right had already produced a bonus of its own. A happy smile curved her mouth.

  ‘The soil tests have shown that we will be able to grow a much wider variety of crops than even I had hoped for. If all goes well within the next few years the people will not only be self-sufficient in growing their own food, they will also have spare to sell.’

  ‘I’m so pleased, Ash,’ Sophia told him truthfully. ‘You’ve worked so hard on this project.’

  ‘No harder than you are working on your projects, Sophia.’

  Now was her chance to tell him, Sophia decided. With a relationship like theirs, emotional displays were not the way of things, she knew, but it was impossible for her to keep the small breathless catch out of her voice as she bent her head to tell him meaningfully, ‘It seems that we are having the good fortune to progress with all our projects at the moment, Ash, although I cannot be entirely certain until Dr Kumar can confirm my hopes.’

  When Ash put down his teacup to look at her, Sophia told him simply, ‘I think I’m pregnant.’

  She’d known he would be pleased. It was what he’d married her for, after all. But the naked delight and joy that lit up his face caught at her heart, every bit as much as the way he got to his feet and came to her, saying her name in a voice that trembled slightly as he took hold of both her hands in his; it made her heart turn over inside her chest all over again. She had suspected for several days that she could be pregnant. She had known that Ash would be pleased if she was—she had known that she would be delighted herself—but this unexpected and unlooked-for tender act of husbandly intimacy could only be affecting her with such intensity because of the pregnancy hormones that had been released into her system, she assured herself as she battled against the need to cling to him and be held by him, held close in his arms as those arms bound both her and their child to him.

  ‘I shall send for
Dr Kumar immediately,’ Ash told her. The news Sophia had just given him was so welcome and wanted that that was why he felt the way he did, elated, delighted and yet at the same time anxious for Sophia, proud of her and very, very protective of her. It was because their child was so important that he felt like this. So much of the future depended on them producing an heir, after all.

  ‘It’s still very early days,’ Sophia felt bound to warn him.

  ‘Then you must be even more careful not to overdo things. It would be more restful for you if you could curtail your duties here and perhaps go to Mumbai where you could rest more, but with the rainy season starting there …’

  Ash was pacing the courtyard now, plainly concerned. A small smile softened Sophia’s mouth. Wasn’t this the universal reaction of new fathers-to-be to the creation of that new life they wanted so much and which they instinctively wanted to protect?

  ‘I have no desire at all to go to Mumbai, Ash,’ she told him. ‘I can rest perfectly well here if I need to rest, which I most certainly do not at the moment. I want to be here. This is our home and it will be our child’s home, and as for me overdoing things—Ash, I am a healthy young woman and pregnancy is a perfectly natural function.’

  ‘I don’t want you—’

  ‘You don’t want me taking any unnecessary risks for your child. I know that, and I promise you that I shan’t, but you mustn’t try to wrap me in cotton wool.’

  ‘I just want—’

  ‘To protect your child.’

  To protect you, he wanted to say, but Ash knew as the thought formed that it was not one he was permitted. By his own rules. Rules he had put in place to protect their marriage and now their child.

  She was in danger of feeling far too emotional, Sophia recognised, and that she could not and would not do. The best way to deal with such a situation as she was now learning was to concentrate instead on something practical, something achievable, something that did not involve her mourning what she could never have. So she changed the subject to say practically, ‘It was a good idea of yours to suggest that we donate Nasreen’s clothes to charity. We’ve had the most lovely letters from the various charities I contacted saying how grateful they are to receive such a donation in Nasreen’s name.’