Vagabonds

by Kyle Olson

  With nothing better to do, she sat down, in the metaphorical sense, and thought and reminisced.

  Life unspooled before her as a movie, played out from the view of an observing camera. She ruminated over every action and their attendant regrets, every inaction and those regrets, too. Family and friends. Loves that were and weren’t. Mostly weren’t. The one that was, wasn’t really. A life of poking around in the dirt could do that.

  Even things she didn’t remember flickered by, making her wonder if the blanks in her memory were filled in with her mind’s best guesses or if there was some hidden memory capable of remembering when she couldn’t. Things she knew didn’t but know.

  Like when she was 13 and made out with the son of a researcher when she was with her parents were at a dig. They’d gone to the ruins at night. She remembered that part, but after she left him, not wanting to go any further at the time, the camera remained to observe the lad finishing himself off while touching his lips.

  “Well, then,” she mumbled to herself, feeling rather awkward. Must’ve been how her mother had felt that one time.

  Embarrassing moments aside, the videos played on. The longer they played, the more she noticed certain oddities popping up. A scene went by of a conversation she’d had with her father about her future career when she was 17, his encouragement for her to enroll in college. Of course, being a teenager meant she knew better, and she knew how much she loathed school already. More of it? Hah! Digging around was the second worst option, but still better by leagues.

  That conversation ended as expected, but after 17-year-old Sophia left the room, the camera did not follow her. Her father let out a frustrated sigh and left to teach his course at the university. She even got to hear his thoughts, as if he was narrating his internal monologue while he drove.

  They were all about her and how she’d turned out like she did. Regrets over how he and her mother focused too much on their work, how a distance had cropped up. How much he loved Sophia and wished she’d heed his wisdom, because he’d been there, done that.

  Not a single thought registered the car running the stop sign.

  He’d not been seriously hurt, just a few bruises and a broken arm, but the car had been wrecked so bad it had to be written off. Just one of those life events where everyone carries on despite the inconvenience.

  Is that what really happened, or what she wished had been the reason for the accident? Was her father really thinking of her the whole time, and that’s why he’d not noticed?

  The movie played on, filling in gaps and even shifting focus every so often, leaving her with more and more questions, until it reached that final point where she’d been shot in the back. Once she’d finished wrangling with the paradox of memory or maybe willful imagination, it occurred to her that she had no idea how long it’d taken. Then again, time didn’t mean much when you were dead. Perhaps, then, without anyone to mind after it, time had taken its leave from wherever she was.

  With the reel done, she was left with one last regret: She really wished she wasn’t dead. A lot of dead people probably wished that. Oh, she also hoped Samsa and Gregor would be all right. If she wasn’t around, who would take care of them? After fussing over her cats, she then considered her parents’ feelings on the matter. Which was probably the wrong order to worry about those still living.

  As she was contemplating this newest facet, something tickled the hairs on her neck, or rather where her neck ought to have been. Somewhere in the void, a different sort of nothingness stirred and drew near.

  Sophia strained to pick it out, but it was all shadow and smoke, formless and swirling from afar, yet it moved with purpose. She probably should’ve been a little bit afraid of whatever it was, or at least have a spot of anxiety, but hey, what was it going to do? Kill her? Besides, she was curious about whatever it was.

  When it was upon her, mingling and wisping about as smoke does, she reached out to touch it. All at once, the tendrils of the void-in-the-void pulled together and snapped into a recognizable form—A gigantic jackal towered over her, blank eyes blazing with dark light.

  “Gakakaka! Look at this! You denied believing in me, yet here you are!”

  That laugh, that soundless voice ringing in her mind! “What the fuck? Why are you here? How are you here?”

  “Here? Where is here?” The jackal smiled, revealing rows of teeth. She looked one way, then the next with long, exaggerated movements, “Are you saying we cannot be here together?”

  “I… Wow, even when I’m dead you follow me to the afterlife to harass me,” Sophia groaned. She attempted to drift away, but either the jackal maintained a perfect floaty pace, or she only imagined herself to be drifting.

  “Gakaka, there there. See, this is where everyone who believes in me comes. It’d be strange if I couldn’t enter my own realm, don’t you think?”

  “I don’t. I told you before, I didn’t believe in any of you like that. But, hey, wait,” Sophia said, coming to a realization, “If you’re here, then doesn’t that mean you’re dead, too?”

  Tess flashed a wolfish smile as she stalked about, slipping from one side of her mind’s eye to the next, pulling closer to the bundle of Sophia’s soul. At one moment she’d be large enough to fill a house, the next, smaller than one of her cats and rubbing against her.

  “The me you know from before you died is still alive and well,” said the wispy jackal.

  “So what, you’re not Tess?”

  “How rude! Of course I am,” said Tess, somehow forcing her long, pointed face into a pout.

  “But you just said—whatever, I don’t care anymore,” Sophia threw her non-existent hands up in defeat.

  Tess shifted in close, tails glancing across the ephemeral being of Sophia, “Come now! I know you’re not one to give up so easily. Tell you what, I’ll give you a piece of the puzzle—I’ll even make it a corner piece! I,” she said, pausing to clear her throat, “Am the sum of Tess from the moment she had her first thought alllll the way to her last.”

  Some corner piece.

  But, it did give her something to consider. And consider she did.

  “Where is here, anyways? And no bullshit answer this time!”

  “Here is where you are, obviously,” said Tess, speaking with the sort of tone reserved for when one has to state something that should be apparent to everyone involved, “None else can be here, because only you can be here. Except for me, because here, I am everywhere. Understand?”

  “No,” Sophia said, curtly, “What does any of that mean? Gods! And I still don’t believe in you, so go away. I was getting used to… whatever this is.”

  The jackal let loose another burst of stuttered laughter. How the hells did she even hear it? “Make no mistake, you believe. See, the problem of your belief is you’re thinking about it backwards.”

  “Backwards?”

  “Said another way, you believe in nothing.”

  Sophia sighed, in so much as a formless spirit can, in irritation, “What difference does it make?”

  “The difference is everything!” Tess pounced, pinning what made up Sophia under a paw. Hot breath washed over her being, which was an unusual experience in her present situation, to say the least. “Have you learned nothing in your time with us?”

  “Okay, so, what, you’re a goddess of… nothing? I thought you were worshiped as a fire goddess or something.”

  “Getting warmer,” said Tess, “I wasn’t a goddess of the consuming flame until… A certain something happened. I was born into the world as a goddess of oblivion. My first worshipers had something of a gloomy outlook on the afterlife, but not one that was all fire and brimstone like some believed. Normally I wouldn’t bother telling you this because Tess does love her secrets, but you’ll find out eventually, anyways,” she finished, giving Sophia’s being, or maybe it was best to call it her soul, a few squishes under a paw.

  “That’s… I still don’t really understand. How would I find out if you didn’t tell
me? But really, I’d like it if you quit stepping on me,” Sophia said, soul wriggling.

  “But then you might float off somewhere. It’s hard to track someone through nothing. Took me some time to find you.”

  This is all so… fucked. Sophia’s considerations kept on considering, but not without a detour to the forefront of her mind.

  “Does time even exist here?”

  “Does it matter?” Tess said, tall, pointed ears perking up and focusing in on Sophia.

  “Why wouldn’t it? I mean,” Sophia trailed off to gather her thoughts. Unfortunately, some of the more unruly, wild thoughts had broken down the fence and wandered off, requiring a stretch of time to collect. “You and I are here. And we’re talking, and everything is happening in order, so that means time must have some kind of meaning,” she finished, but then had the presence of mind to add on, “Right?”

  “That’s just your perception,” Tess said, delivering another squish, “You could think of it more like time exists, but there’s nothing to measure it against. Our little chat, for example, could take the span of a second, or a single word could take longer to say than the life of the universe. Or this all could take exactly as long as needed! Gakaka!”

  “I… see. I guess I understand. But I guess it doesn’t matter since I’m dead and all,” Sophia said, a wave of somber acceptance covering her as she said the words. Which was unusual because it hadn’t really bothered her all that much until the movie ended. “Say, am I going to be stuck with you bothering me forever? And please stop stepping all over me, I promise I won’t float away.”

  Tess sat down on her haunches, but the paw remained. She cocked her head one way, then the other. “Forever is a long time, don’t you think?”

  Sophia groaned and found herself wishing for death from death.

  “Gakaka! I see why the other me likes you so much. Anyways, your time here is coming to an end, so perhaps it’s best I get on with it.”

  “My time is coming to an end? …What do you mean?”

  Tess pressed down, flattening Sophia against nothing, “They’re trying to pull you back, but they don’t know about me. Without me, you would have drifted beyond their grasp. So remember how dear old me helped out, won’t you?”

  As if to punctuate her words, a crack appeared in the void. It was just as non-existent as all the rest, but there it was.

  “Pull me back? Like, bring me back to life?”

  “You got it.”

  “What, so you’ve been holding me in place so they can find me?”

  “You just keep nailing ‘em, don’t you? Of course, there’s only so long I can hold you here once they’ve got a grip…”

  Another crack appeared, and then another and another, and they all spidered out like thawing ice on a lake. One line came to a halt at Sophia. Anxiety nibbled at the fringes of her thoughts. “So why are you still holding me here instead of letting me be pulled back?”

  “Because there are a few things you ought to know. First, that the key to knowing is to know that you know. When you know that, knowing is easy! Second is that the question is everything to getting the right possibility, to picking the correct choice. And lastly, knowing is not the same as understanding, understand? Try not to get bewildered by all the shit you’ll find yourself knowing, but not knowing. It’ll take years, at least, before you build up the wisdom you need, so try not to make too many assumptions. Got it?”

  The bundle of Sophia quivered. “…What?”

  “You’ll understand soon enough. See? You know something, but don’t understand it. How vexing, no?”

  The cracks grew beyond counting, morphing the pristine darkscape into one of innumerable shards, each reflecting something different, save for a circle around Sophia and Tess. Something shook.

  “Whoops, just about out of time. One last thing, I promise! When you get a handle on the knowing, don’t let them know—”

  The void shook and the shards fell away to reveal blinding, all-encompassing white, save for her circle of abyss floating about in the middle of it all. Hands of light, and even a few paws, reached up from the edge to Sophia, but couldn’t find her, like someone was searching under a bed blindly. She instinctively tried to bridge the gap, but they were just out of reach. Fingertips apart.

  Then, a shift.

  Tess had nudged her to the edge, just a smidge—and that was all it took. Sophia’s hand met the one of light and they locked together. Yet, no matter how much strength the hand used, it couldn’t quite pull her out, not until two pairs of paws emerged from the radiance and rested upon her. Though they didn’t tug, the warmth flowing from them eased her passage, drawing her out from underneath the jackal bit by bit.

  The longer the light held her, the more right it felt. Yet, it felt wrong just the same. Tess stomped hard, trying to keep Sophia’s being pinned, but it didn’t matter—she was gaining speed, starting to dip over the edge into the pure light. She could just barely hear Tess’ voice: “Remember not to forget! There’s always a choice being made, even if you don’t know you’re making one!”

  Scalding heat consumed her as she fell, or maybe rose. Anxiety grew to fear and then terror, as if everything she should’ve felt for however long came to a boil all at once. She tried to scream out, but she had no voice as she tumbled deeper and deeper into the vortex. It was as if she was falling forever and ever and ever.

  She slammed into a wall, or a floor, or a ceiling, or something. Pressure grew on her, against her. The wall began to deform. She cried out in pain, pleading for it to end.

  And then, she popped through.

  Her eyes opened.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  While the rental SUV Tess drove had a top speed well below what she was accustomed to, it was still more than enough to warrant an immediate trip to jail should she attract police attention.

  A car gave a long honk as she cut it off, its drone fading away as she left it behind. She knew better than to be so reckless, to rush headlong for the goal. Enough time had passed since Daontys had given her the news to now that she knew getting to the estate five or ten minutes earlier wasn’t going to mean a damn thing.

  Not a single fuck was given for logic.

  She needed to get there yesterday. All the time spent waffling about, of staring off into space for hours without realizing, of not being able to pull herself from bed or even take a fucking shower because she was afraid. So much for her vow to never fall to such depths of wretchedness after the last time.

  Fuck.

  Her foot hammered down on the accelerator, revving the engine for all its worth.

  The turn-off from the interstate came up and she jerked across several lanes of traffic, tires screeching in protest as the car slid down the off-ramp, drifting around the corner as she came up onto the surface street.

  Cars everywhere honked in protest and their occupants made certain gestures to broadcast their opinion of Tess’ driving. She sped across the county roads. The faux-leather steering wheel threatened to break apart beneath her grip.

  And there it was—the driveway. She took the turn much like all the others to that point, and after jetting through the rows of trees that served as a barrier from the road, skirting a fine line between on-road and off, the manor came into view. It seemed perfectly intact. The worry in her heart ebbed, if only just so.

  Her vehicle jerked to a halt in front of the wrought-metal gate. It all seemed so… fine. She knew better. Unless she saw for herself, there would be no way to placate her heart. She lowered the window and reached for the call button posted just outside the gate. It crackled and buzzed. A camera atop the speaker cast a glinting eye at her.

  Tess marshaled her features into some sort of composure. None of her children would know her as their great-great-and-then-some-mother, but they would know Seraphina. That’d be enough to get an audience.

  She waited and waited and waited, drumming her fingers across the steering wheel. No response came. She pressed the button
and again it buzzed. Again she waited.

  No response after the third time.

  “Fuck it,” she muttered and bolted from the car, straight for the wall. She cleared the ten-foot-high wall with ease, landed with a roll and launched into a run with one fluid motion.

  It was only a few hundred feet from the gate to the entrance of the mansion, a distance she could cover in seconds, yet it was one of the longest runs of her life.

  And it became longer still when she saw the door was open. Not wide open like it’d been left that way to make it easier to, say, carry in groceries, but the slight crack of open that never heralded anything good.

  Tess burst through the door, slamming it against the wall, shoes squealing on the pristine hardwood flooring.

  Where are they? Fuck it!

  Clothing bulged under her metamorphosis before shredding apart. Tess’ tall, pointed jackal ears swiveled like radar dishes, straining to pick up any hint of her family. Scents wafted into her nostrils, setting the black fur along her spine on end.

  Blood! And…

  Her nose twitched some more.

  …Someone not human. Phytos!

  Scent urged the jackal into a sprint, legs and arms pumping, claws clattering across the floor. Down one wing and around a corner, she found a corpse in a pool of blood and gore wearing the prim clothing of a butler. Most of his midsection had been obliterated.

  Blood was streaked across the wall, leading to the kitchen. Pots and pans were scattered across the floor, cabinets thrown open. Tess spotted a knife slicked crimson, though it was beginning to brown along the edge. She picked it up and sniffed. Wasn’t human.

  She threw the knife away and followed the trail of death. Another body, this one a portly woman with a modest one-piece dress, was crumpled in front of a door left wide open to the stairwell below. Tess knelt and, breath held, flipped the body over.

  Wasn’t a face she knew, or what face there was left, anyways. She let her breath go. Didn’t appear to be a maid or a servant. A guest?

  Her heart hammered in her chest. What did it matter if it wasn’t one of her children? She was going to find them eventually. There was no way she wouldn’t. Phytos wouldn’t leave anyone alive.