by Trejo, Erin
Roland pulls out of me breathlessly and drops onto the mattress next to me. I roll to my side and run my fingers through his hair.
“Damn woman,” he huffs which makes me giggle.
I scoot closer to him and rest my head on his chest. A tear slides down my cheek.
“You’re cryin’.”
“No.”
“Babe, I can feel it on my skin. We need to be strong now. He needs to know that everything’s okay,” he says softly.
“Is it okay? Really? He’s dying Roland.” More tears fall as he engulfs me in his arms.
“I don’t want him to suffer Mols. If he needs us to tell him everything is okay then that’s what we’re gonna do. I want this to be easy on him. I know it’s gonna be hell on us, but for him it doesn’t have to be. I’ve seen death before I was in this club and I don’t want him to suffer any more than he has to Mols. I’ll do whatever I need to do to make sure that doesn’t happen.”
His tone is firm and unrelenting. He isn’t going to back down on this.
“What do we need to do now?” I ask trying to remain as calm and collected as I can. I don’t want Drake to suffer either. I want him to be at peace.
“We need to be there for him. We hold his hand. We do whatever the fuck it is that he asks us to do. We’re all he has now and I sure as hell won’t let him spend what’s left of his time hurtin’ or thinkin’ about anything but bein’ happy. It’s our job to make sure that happens as his parents.” His words burn a hole through my heart.
“You’re a great father Roland. You have made such an impact on him in such a short amount of time. I can’t tell you how much that mean to me. I always knew you’d be an amazing father,” I tell him truthfully.
“You’re an amazin’ mom baby. You kept that boy safe and still managed to raise him right. Even in a shitty situation. I don’t know how you did it, but I’m damn proud of you.” Roland shirts and presses a kiss to the top of my head.
“We are good parents,” I mumble as he runs his hand up and down my back until I finally drift off to sleep.
Dreams come and go, but the one constant is the love I have for this man.
28
Roland
Doc said Drake isn’t doing well. He’s slowly slipping into a coma. I think that’s the part that kills me the most. The fact that I can’t hear him talk to me. I still talk to him though. I let him know that I love him and when he needs to go, he can. Those were the hardest words I’ve ever had to say to anyone. I feel so cheated by life. I don’t have enough time with him. I need more time. I want more. I know we don’t get to make those decisions and I’ve never been one to pray, but I sure as hell have been. I’d trade places with him in a heartbeat. I’d take all of his pain and suffering and make it my own, but I can’t.
“Are you sure about this Roland?” I look up at the lawyer and nod my head. If I wasn’t sure he wouldn’t be here.
“Okay. Just sign where it’s highlighted.”
I take the pen and sign on all of the highlighted lines. It feels like I’m signing my life away, I am signing my life away; in more ways than one.
“You have some time before I file them. Would you like for me to wait and let you think on this?” he asks which further aggravates me. I jerk my eyes to his and let him see the fury in me. I let him see the anger that his questioning has sparked.
“Do you honestly think I would have paid your ass and called you if I wanted to wait on this? If I wanted to wait, I wouldn’t have signed the motherfuckin’ papers now would I?” My roar rips through the silent room. The prick jumps and shakes his head.
“You’re right Mr. Sanders. I apologize. I’ll get this put through as quickly as I can,” he says in a rush as he gathers his papers and stuffs them back into his little briefcase. He turns on his heel and hurries out of the door just as Mason is coming in. He eyes him up and down before stalking toward me.
“The fuck was that?” he asks pointing over his shoulder at the door.
“Lawyer.”
“Obviously. Not many brothers walk around in those fancy suits. What the fuck was he doin’ here?” he asks as he grabs a beer and motions to me asking if I want one. I nod my head and ready myself to fill him in.
“He’s a divorce lawyer. I signed the papers,” I tell him as I take a long pull from the bottle in front of me.
“You did what? What the fuck is that about Reaper?” he snaps loudly. I glance around quickly making sure Molly isn’t anywhere within hearing distance.
“It’s about givin’ Molly a new start when I’m not here. She deserves at least that much.” I take another drink as Mason eyes me. “What?” I ask.
“You’re still bent on going back in there?” Mason asks.
I nod my head and rest my arms on the counter in front of me. I take in the wedding band on my finger. I never took it off because it hurt too much to think about. I reach for it now, pull it off, and spin it on the counter.
“I’m goin’ in. I’ve gotta make this shit right. The club doesn’t deserve a war because of me. I just need a little time with my boy before I set my plan in motion.”
“Seems to me you’re already settin’ it in motion to go with those papers. You think this is the best thing for her?” he asks as he leans on the counter. I slap the ring so it stops spinning before I slip it back on my hand.
“Yeah. I know it is. I’m gonna get Tom out of the picture and that’s it. That’s the end brother.”
“That’s bullshit. You know that, right? This isn’t just about her. You have all of us. We’re a goddamn family Reaper. You are the stubbornest son of a bitch I’ve ever met in my life.” Mason grits his teeth, but all he’s doing is pissing me off a little more than I already was.
“Shut the fuck up Mason,” I warn him. My nerves are on edge and my patience is running thin today.
“Fuck you! The sun doesn’t rise and set just for you. You’re being a fuckin’ coward.”
“Stop pushin’ me Mason,” I growl.
“Oh. Is the big bad Reaper getting’ pissed off? You think I give a fuck? So the world dealt you a shitty hand. Get the fuck over it. You’re more of a man than this, aren’t you? Since when do you let what God has done fuck you over? Huh? You’re called the fuckin’ Reaper for a reason.”
And… that’s it. He’s pushed me too far. I rise from my stool and narrow my gaze on his.
“Enough,” Mason chuckles as he moves around the bar and looks me dead in the eye.
“Go fuck yourself. You want to wallow away like a pussy? Go right on ahead. Let them win. Let Tom, Ramirez, and God fuckin’ win.”
He throws his hands out to the side to make his point, but that’s when I snap. I lunge toward him with my hands balled into fists. The first strike lands, but the second one doesn’t. Mason has me around the neck and slams me into to the floor before I know what’s happened.
“Fight like a man Reaper. Let that shit out,” he screams into my face.
I gasp for air as his grip tightens. Twisting in his grip I throw another punch landing on his cheek. Mason’s head snaps sideways and his grip falters. I shove him off me and climb to my feet ready for another blow.
“Stop!” I can hear Whitley yelling behind us. That isn’t going to stop us now. He wanted this. He practically begged for it. Pushing and taunting me.
“You wanna do this?” I ask him.
“Damn right I do,” he snarls.
He rushes me trying to catch me off guard, but I’m ready for him. I deliver a good blow to his ribs, but he counters with one to my jaw. I can hear the girls screaming for us to stop, but that isn’t going to happen. We keep going, not giving a shit. The more we punch the better I feel. This was something I really needed. I’m not really pissed at Mason, it’s more that I’m pissed that I missed ten years of my son’s life. I’m pissed that he’s now lying in a room down the hall dying and that there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
I didn’t hear the others come in when Mason and I are
yanked apart. Whitley rushes to his side trying to wipe the blood from his face, but he swats her away and keeps his eyes trained on me.
“What the fuck has gotten into you motherfuckers?” Viking stands in the middle looking between us.
“Your boy here has a death wish,” Mason roars. I chuckle and wipe my lips on the back of my hand.
“You need to learn how to mind your own damn business Mason,” I say as I point at the fucker.
“You are my business. Did you forget who the VP is? Did you forget that we’re all family here? Did all that just slip your mind when you made that choice?” he asks. I get it, I truly do. This is just what needs to be done.
“Where were you guys at?” I ask Viking to make my point.
“One of the warehouses over on Planton burned to the goddamn ground,” he says.
I raise my eyebrow and look at Mason. “Who do you suppose could have done that?” I ask being a condescending asshole.
“Fuck you Reaper! You’re bein’ a fuckin’ coward,” he roars once more. When I start to move toward him Viking stops me. His hand stays resting on my chest as his eyes flash with anger.
“Is this about what I think it’s about?” he looks to me. I nod my head once.
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” Mason mumbles under his breath and shakes his head.
“It isn’t just that. Why don’t you tell him? Tell him what else you just did,” Mason eggs me on.
“Signed divorce papers.”
“You did what?” Fin snaps as he pushes his way to the front of the group. “What the hell are you thinkin’?”
“I’m thinkin’ that she will have a fresh start. She deserves that. I was thinkin’ maybe she could move on and live a life that she’s always wanted. I’m not gonna be able to provide her that and I for damn sure won’t make her a widow.”
“So that’s it?” her voice shakes my body to the core.
I hate the sound of her voice when’s she sad or upset. I close my eyes and tip my head back while trying to control my breathing before I turn to face her. When I open my eyes and look into hers I feel like shit. I feel like I’ve let her down, and in so many ways I have.
“You don’t understand Molly. This life. This thing that’s happenin’ is all my fault. I didn’t protect you all those years ago like I should have. I didn’t do my job as a man and that’s what fuckin’ kills me. Every time I look at you I see the mistakes I’ve made. I should have kept you safe from him. I failed. I should have kept my son safe. I should have been there to watch his first steps, to see him crawl, and to teach him how to play football. I fucked it all up Mols. I’ve made so many mistakes in my goddamn life. I couldn’t possibly fix them all. But, this one? I can fix this one. When I’m gone you can move on. You can start over and make yourself the life you’ve always dreamed of. You can be someone. You won’t have a worry in the goddamn world because I’m gonna make them all right first.”
The room is deadly silent around us. The air is thick. The tension is high. Molly stares at me, a mask of emotions on her face.
“You really think that’s what I want? Do you even care what I want?”
“It’s not about what any of us want Molly. It’s about what’s right. Don’t you get that?”
“I get that you want to run off and leave me all alone. I get that you want to fix everything, but there are some things you just can’t fix Roland. If anyone can see that it should be you!”
“I can fix this.” I step closer to her now. I’m standing mere inches from her. “I can make what I did to fuck this up right. It isn’t just us Molly. It’s the club too. They are my family as much as you are and I can’t turn my back on what I did to them.”
Her eyes fill with tears. The moment between us is intense, but it’s broken when Taz screams.
“Get in here,” her words rip the silence and shred any hope that any of us thought we had.
29
Molly
Loss is hard. It’s even harder when it’s your kid. My heart has never felt so empty. We buried Drake two weeks ago. Nothing has been the same since. I drink until I become numb. Roland is constantly on the move. It’s like he can’t stay still or he’ll lose himself. I can’t say that I blame him. We all grieve in our own ways. We all hate and hurt differently. I don’t hate Roland for what he’s doing. I hate myself for not being stronger. I think about it every day of my life. Why didn’t he fight harder? Why didn’t I figure out something sooner? I always come up empty.
“You need anything else?” Fin asks as he sits on the couch next to me.
I hold up the bottle of Jack and shake my head no. This is all I need. As long as it makes the pain and anger go away, I’m good.
“You can’t drink yourself out of what you’re feelin’ Molly.”
“No? Maybe some coke will help?” I tell him.
“I’ve been there too. Drugs don’t ease it either darlin’. I would know.”
Fuck him. He doesn’t know shit. He never lost his child. The one thing that he loved more than anything in the world. I did. How dare he tell me that?
“Leave me the fuck alone Fin.”
“Wish I could babe. Look, I just wanted to let you know that we found Tom. We’re gonna be movin’ in on him soon. You know what that means?” he asks as if I give a shit. I don’t. Not anymore. Roland made his choices.
“Yeah, it means that I never have to look at his fucking face again. It means that everyone I loved will be gone. It means I’m alone. I’m all alone Fin.” The first part came out strong, but the rest came out in a mess of tears. Fin pulls me to him as I cry. “I’m so fucking alone.”
“You’re not. You need to talk to him. Tell him how much you need him Molly. Make him rethink this shit,” he urges.
I pull away and wipe my face. “I’ve tried Fin. Don’t you think I’ve tried? He doesn’t want me anymore.”
“That’s not true.”
Roland’s voice sounds from behind me. I look over my shoulder and see him standing there in his black jeans and a hoodie. No doubt he’s ready to go down for his cause.
“Oh, it’s true all right. I know it is. Otherwise I wouldn’t have those divorce papers sitting on the counter.” Roland walks around the couch, but he doesn’t sit.
“Give us a minute Fin.”
Fin squeezes my shoulder before he climbs to his feet and walks away. Traitor. I thought he was my friend.
“I love you Molly. You know that. I loved him too. I loved him more than I can say, but this is what has to be done to make sure everyone I have left is safe. I need you to understand that. I couldn’t face myself every goddamn day if somethin’ happened to you too.”
“You didn’t make him sick Roland,” the tears start falling again.
“I know that, but I still felt helpless Mols. I couldn’t do a fuckin’ thing to save him. Nothin’. Do you know how that makes me feel? I feel worthless as a dad. I fucked up. I won’t do that with you. You can hate me until the day you die, you can curse me and call me names. I don’t care Molly. I just need to know that you’re safe. I need that closure. Can’t you understand that?”
Roland turns on his heel and heads toward the door. If this is the last time that I will get to see him then I needed to tell him that I loved him, didn’t I? I need him to know that much. I shove off of the couch and stumble and sway as the liquor filters through my veins.
“Roland,” I call out to him. He stops walking and turns to face me. “You were a great father. He loved you more than you know. I love you more than you know. I understand it to a point, I just need you to know that I’ve never stopped loving you. My heart will never be the same.”
Letting that out was harder than I thought it would be. Roland smirks as he walks over to me and wraps his arms around me. He kisses me roughly and slides his tongue into my mouth. After a few minutes he slows the kiss before he pulls back and rests his forehead against mine.
“Your heart doesn’t belong to me anymore Mols. As much as I wi
sh it did, it doesn’t. I’m sorry that this is hurtin’ you. I’m sorry that I never found the two of you. God, you have no idea how sorry I am for that. I love you baby. I’ve loved you since the first time I ever saw you. Remember me always Mols.”
One more soft kiss and then Roland turns on his heel and walks away from me. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel right now. I don’t know which way to turn and what the fuck to do. Fin steps in next to me and his arm goes around my shoulder.
“He can still change his mind, ya know? Have some faith, yeah?”
He kisses the top of my head and walks out the same door Roland just did. I’m torn. I want to run after Roland. I want to beg him to stay with me, but that would be selfish. That would be me asking him to do something he didn’t want to, and I know in my heart that he thinks what he’s doing is the right thing.
“Come on sweetheart,” Taz pulls me into her side as the rest of the world becomes a blur.
My head isn’t in the right place anymore. It hasn’t’ been for two weeks and now the pain is only more intense. It feels as though my heart’s being ripped from my body and someone stomped it into the floor. Nothing else could possibly feel this awful.
30
Reaper
Death was something I learned to be good at. Killing people became an outlet for me. I perfected it. The day I walked away from Molly was the day I sealed my own fate. Molly was the one that ran from me more than once. Now it was my turn. We found Tom that same night. It was a bittersweet moment for me.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” He asked when he saw me step into his house.
The same fucking house. I was shocked as fuck when we found him here. At first I didn’t believe the guys when they told me. What kind of dumbass comes back to the same place?