He rolled her onto her back, his chiseled torso poised over her. Muted beams from the lamps outside the curtained window outlined every curve and edge. He hooked his arm under one of her legs and pressed it upward, creating access for himself as he leaned forward and placed his hardness between her thighs, the tip of his sheathed cock pressing at her entrance.
“Hannah, I need you so bad,” he whispered, “need to be inside you. I can’t wait one more second.”
The weight of his chest against hers, the pressure of his greedy, swollen cock, and his words caressing her cheek with wine-laced sweetness overwhelmed her. She was his, body and soul, with no option or desire to do anything but succumb to him. She panted in and out, no verbal answer being necessary.
He thrust inside, her muscles resisting against a stinging pain. Hannah gasped in shock – no one had ever said it would be this painful. This first time. Was she doing it wrong? God, she didn’t want to disappoint him with her inexperience. She wrapped her arms around his corded neck and held on, bearing through it, trying to relax her lower body. The pain lessened as his thick member penetrated her outer lips and thrust deeper, filling her. The short-lived burning became overwhelmed by a satisfying sensation of fullness. And possession. He moved within her, advancing and retreating, each stroke more forceful than the last.
She heard his breathing match her own, raw and rapid. Tearful joy clenched her heart as she heard him speak, low and agonized. “So good, baby, so tight… God, you’re beautiful…” She rocked in sync with him until his last powerful thrust, so intense that a tiny cry left her lips. Then he shuddered and stilled, his body quaking with his release.
“Ryder,” she whispered, sniffing back joyful tears that refused to stay hidden behind her eyelids. She stroked his sweaty back and threaded her fingers through his tousled hair. His breathing slowed, and he raised his head and shoulders away from her.
“That was fantastic,” he said, raising his finger to touch her on the nose, just as he’d done at the skating rink. His satiated smile faded as he looked into her eyes. “Uh-oh, what’s wrong,” he said, a hint of tease in his voice. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
“In a good way,” she whispered, still full of stampeding emotions.
He swiped away a teardrop that had escaped down the side of her face. “It’s nothing to cry about. You’re safe here with me. You said it yourself.” He rolled off and laid on his back alongside her. She shivered as the cool air met with the veil of perspiration left behind on her chest and belly. He let out a relaxing sigh. “It’ll be even better next time.” She heard him peel off the condom and chuck it into the nearby trashcan. “If that’s even possible.”
His words sounded trite and the teeniest bit condescending. Did he not realize the importance of what they’d just done? Was that all he was going to say to her? Better luck next time?
“I thought the first time was pretty amazing,” she said.
“Mmm,” he grunted. “Yeah. The first time you’re with someone is pretty special.”
“Or a first time with anyone.”
Ryder seemed like he’d fallen asleep, he didn’t respond. Then he snapped his head toward her. “What do you mean, with anyone?” he said, his words slow. “You mean first like, first ever?”
Hannah bit her lip and grasped the edge of the comforter to at least partially cover herself. She felt chilly as the moisture evaporated from her skin. “Yes,” she whispered. “Is that news to you?”
He exhaled and ran a hand through his hair. “Oh, shit. I had no idea. Why didn’t you say something? I could have been gentler. You’re really not kidding?”
“Why would I kid you about that?” Hannah said, becoming upset. “It’s the truth.”
He turned to her and raised up on one elbow. “Are you telling me you’re a virgin? For real? You’re not making it up?”
“No,” she said hotly. “I was a virgin. Why are you getting angry?”
“I-I’m not angry,” he stuttered, his face growing pale. “Just… you should have told me before. I feel like a complete asshole for not being more careful with you.”
“Why would I say something? It’s not something you advertise. Would it have changed anything? Something wrong with being a… virgin?”
“No…” He shook his head, the look of disbelief still on his face. “I wouldn’t have…”
“What? Wouldn’t what? Asked me out? Kissed me? Made me feel like I was special?”
“You’re doing it,” he said, pulling away, his face transforming into a cold mask. “And I have no idea why. Why is this becoming my fault?”
“Doing what? What am I doing? Expressing my feelings?”
“Acting like this. Like your first time has to be all white roses and fireworks and poetry.”
Hannah started to tremble, more tears threatening to spill over her cheeks. “I didn’t ask for poetry, but I felt fireworks. Didn’t you?”
He exhaled deeply and looked at her again before reaching up to stroke a strand of her hair, sliding its length through his fingers. “It was great, better than great. I like you a lot, Hannah, I do. This is new, and I’m not sure where it’s headed and neither do you. But don’t expect a royal proclamation over it. I don’t expect to be the only guy you’ll ever be with.”
She bristled. “And I’m not the only girl you’ll be with, is that it?”
“You know I’m older than you. I can’t say you’re my first, but I’m not going to lay claim on you if I’m yours. You’re free to explore whatever and whoever you want.”
“I want you,” she said past the emotion clogging her throat. “I gave myself to you, doesn’t that make you happy?”
He let go of her hair and gently stroked the perimeter of her face with his fingertips, her cheek, her chin, her forehead. It felt sweet and soothing and intimate. “Of course it does. I just don’t want you to think I owe you something I can’t give you. At this point, I don’t know what my future holds. All I can tell you is I love the way things are now. Let’s not tempt fate by gazing into the crystal ball tonight.”
You just don’t want to see my face inside it, Hannah thought bitterly. I’m just another notch on the stick. She rolled away from him and crawled under the covers, squeezing her eyes shut against her tears.
Chapter Seventeen
Ryder brushed the snow that had fallen overnight off his windshield with slow, deliberate strokes. With every quick stroke, his mind drifted back to the night before. The best night of his life. And then he’d gone and blown it. Imploded the whole damn thing like an abandoned Vegas casino with his heartless words and icy cold attitude. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her. He hadn’t meant to push her away. She’d shocked the hell out of him with her admission. He’d never expected a woman of her age to still be pure. Now, he didn’t know how to act and what to say outside of a sincere apology. And he’d been doing that. Repeatedly. From the first kiss good morning, through breakfast and once again when they’d wheeled their bags to the car.
His feet and hands were already frozen, but the air outdoors was probably warmer than the atmosphere inside the car. Hannah sat silently in the passenger seat as the engine idled. She hadn’t replied to any of his remorseful overtures with anything outside of a terse acknowledgement. Damn, he needed to crawl inside her head and figure out what she was thinking. He didn’t know what else to say to her. She’d agreed to the trip, wanted to prove her independence. If she truly wanted a committed adult relationship, it started with open and honest communication. Yet when it came down to it, she was still a child in many ways.
Except one. He’d taken her innocence. A gift he never expected to receive, and one he could never give back. What she wanted in return wasn’t something he could offer, at least not until after the contract decision and after they got to know each other better. Only rash, immature people high on lust made life decisions after a few weeks of knowing each other and one hot night.
Congrats, Martin. One more relationship in which yo
u get to feel like a shithead. And a dirty old man. His days of wanting to deflower virgins were long over. That was high school shit.
He opened the driver’s door and got in, sliding the snowbrush behind his seat. “Hope the plows have been through,” he muttered, wanting to say something. Anything to break the stilted and painful silence. “If the roads are bad, it might take a bit longer to get home.” He chanced a look in Hannah’s direction. She stared downward at her hands knotted together in her lap and nodded silently.
Ryder shifted into drive and pulled out of the lodge’s parking lot. It would be a much longer trip if she wouldn’t speak. He’d rather hear her say ‘fuck you, asshole’ than no words at all. For the moment, he’d leave her alone. She had to meet him halfway and she still refused to take even a baby step in his direction.
As they neared the halfway point between Duluth and Minneapolis, he needed to gas up. He pulled into an Exxon just off the highway. “You want anything, Hannah?” he asked as he grasped the door handle. “A drink? A snack?” Hannah shook her head, not meeting his gaze, her hands still clasped together as though to prevent herself from slugging him one. “Fine.” He pulled the handle and stepped out. “There’s restrooms in there if you need them.” He pointed to the station’s storefront, then closed the door against the chilly wind that had whipped along the stretch of open highway.
***
Hannah heard Ryder twist open the gas cap and insert the fuel nozzle. He’d be a few minutes filling up, so she got out and dashed inside the station to find the ladies’ room. She’d blown it and every pore in her body ached with shame and regret. Even her hair ached. She’d thought she had her big girl panties on, but it turned out she was still wearing her Wonder Woman Underoos. Maybe El had been right. She berated herself for not telling him when he’d first invited her to Lutsen. That way, he could have rejected her days ago and she wouldn’t have to endure this excruciating humiliation.
God, what he must think of her? A frigid, sheltered little girl who never strayed far from her mother’s apron strings. Once inside, she grabbed her phone from her purse and dialed her sister. Not Eloise. That was one ‘I told you so’ she didn’t need today. She felt sick to her stomach at what El would say if she knew what had happened.
“Hey, Hanna-bee. Merry Christmas! I called El’s place yesterday, but they said you’d gone skiing. How was it? No broken bones, I hope?”
“Merry Christmas, Soph. No broken bones. Skiing was fun. I had a good teacher. I’ll definitely do it again.”
“Hmm, was his name Lars with an impossibly long Austrian surname and muscles big enough to carry you up the mountain without a chairlift? Like the Governator?” she asked, laughter in her voice.
Sophia’s bright mood spawned a small grin on Hannah’s face. She loved her sisters, even if one of them had acquired a Mother Superior complex right along with her new title as mother. “No, it’s Ryder. I told you about him.”
“Ohh, yes. The King of Kisses. He skis too? Man of many talents. Phil likes to ski when he can get away. Helps him think, he says, all that fresh mountain air. Frankly, I think he just likes the high he gets from the lack of oxygen.”
Hannah gave Sophia a weak chuckle. That mountain air seemed to make people reckless, as far as she was concerned. “Soph, I need some advice. I’ve only got a few minutes. When did you and Phil… you know… do it the first time?”
Sophia hesitated a moment. “You mean have sex? A few months after we started dating. I’d ask why you want to know, but I can guess.”
“Did he treat you differently after that? I mean, did you guys know you were going to be together for the long haul?”
“Honey,” Sophia said, heaving a sigh. “No one knows that. Sure, we were falling in love but look what happened. Even years later we had second thoughts, almost didn’t get married. Just because you have sex doesn’t mean you sign a contract. You can’t put pressure on a man just to tie him down. He needs to be free to make his own decisions.” She paused again. “Did you like it?”
Hannah felt a blush rising in spite of her fears. “Yes. It was…exquisite.” It wasn’t a lie. It felt amazing, mind blowing really. “But I felt awful afterward. He’s had lots of women before me. But he’s my first, and… he didn’t seem to care. In fact, he seems really mad about it. Like I misled him because I didn’t say anything beforehand. He wanted someone more experienced. I just know it. Even I’ve read Harlequin. I thought everything would come naturally like what you read about. I was wrong.”
“Oh, sweetie, it does come naturally. You did use a condom, didn’t you?” Sophia asked sternly.
“Well, duh. Of course. But he didn’t know I was a – virgin.” She spit the last word out like a piece of sour candy. “He acted like I withheld pertinent information, was trying to trick him or something. Like forcing him into marrying me.” Her voice cracked, and she sniffed back a tear. “I thought it made guys happy… to know they were the first, that they’re special. I thought I was special to him, but now I just feel like another notch on his stick. I gave him the most precious gift I could… and it didn’t mean anything to him. Maybe I don’t mean anything to him.”
“Hanna-bee, don’t say that. You don’t know what’s going on in his head. He wouldn’t have had sex with you if he didn’t have feelings for you. And you are special. Did he say he never wants to see you again? If he didn’t, he just needs time to process. Sometimes when men are blindsided, they don’t put their best foot forward. Between the stress of the holidays and the stress of his chance to make the Riot, he must feel like he’s a French fry in a pressure cooker. He probably never met a virgin before. There’s not many of you left in his world, sadly.”
“Well, there’s one less, now.” Hannah started to cry aloud. “I think he wanted something… more. He wants someone better than me, Soph.”
“Listen,” Sophia said, raising her voice to cut through her sobs. “Don’t cry, sweetie. It’s natural, it’s normal. You did it responsibly and with someone you care about. Sex is meant to be fun too, you know. For both parties. It’s like pizza. There’s a million different kinds, but it’s all pizza. And it’s all good.”
Why did she have to go and mention pizza? Flashbacks of skiing overtook her senses before sex ruined everything. Hannah laughed and sobbed at the same time. “Don’t make jokes.”
“There’s only one way to find out what he’s feeling. Ask him. Talk to him. If you can’t be open with each other, then maybe you aren’t right for each other. You can’t say the wrong thing to the right man. At least you’ll know where you stand and you can stop tormenting yourself. I don’t like knowing how upset you are, Hannah. It’s breaking my heart.”
Hannah sniffed again. “Thanks, Soph. I gotta go.”
She returned to the car to find Ryder sitting in the driver’s seat drinking a Mountain Dew. As she got in, he offered her a Coke. “I didn’t know what kind you liked.”
“That’s fine.” She buckled up and took the bottle from him. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He pulled out onto the highway.
Hannah glanced sideways at him. With his jacket unzipped, his sterling chest and abs were clearly defined beneath a tight t-shirt. His normally perfect hair sported a sexy bedhead tousle, and he wore dark glasses against the glare from the snow. He was still gorgeous. It hurt to look at him. She liked him. Maybe even loved him, if she understood what budding love felt like. She didn’t want to lose him over some dim-witted, unrealistic fantasy she kept.
“I really enjoyed skiing,” she said, choosing the safest topic for the conversation that might pound the last nail into the coffin of their connection. “Thank you for teaching me and taking me on this trip.”
He grinned but kept his eyes on the road. “You’re welcome for that too.”
“What are you going to do when we get back to Rochester?”
He lifted a shoulder, his face an expressionless mask. He wouldn’t make this easy on her. And she didn’t deser
ve it. She could have opened the door after any one of his ten apologies that day but she’d slammed it in his chiseled face each and every time. “I have a few days off. Just try to rest up and hit the gym a few times. Wait for the call.”
“You love hockey, don’t you?”
The smile on his face looked almost sad somehow. “That would be an understatement.”
“I hope you make the team then.”
“Me too.”
Hannah looked away, staring out of the passenger window for a moment, focusing on her breathing and bolstering her courage. The landscape had changed from rocky highlands to rolling prairie as they traveled southward. Once she’d calmed her racing heart, she continued in a small voice filled with every ounce of emotion she felt. “I liked having sex with you, Ryder. I can’t pretend I didn’t.”
“That’s good to hear,” he said cautiously, and his hands tightened on the steering wheel, turning his knuckles into tiny white orbs. “I liked having sex with you too, even if it didn’t conform to your expectations. Hannah, I am really sorry about how I acted last night. If I had it to do all over again, I’d…”
She flashed him a rueful smile and interrupted before she ruined another perfect apology. “It was wonderful, but I totally understand where you’re coming from. So much is up in the air right now for both of us. I might not be staying in Rochester much longer. I expect I’ll be going back to Columbus soon to start grad school. I’ve decided I’d like to get my Master’s in accounting.”
“I see,” he said, his chest deflating with relief. He glanced at her and chuckled. “That’d be a little difficult then. Having more sex with each other. But I want to. Can we just agree to take it slow and fight the fire that’s in front of us?”
Something fluttered in her stomach. Happiness over their truce and their understanding to take it slow. “Absolutely. But I still want to know everything about you. Have you always lived in Rochester?”
The Rebound: A Rochester Riot Sports Romance Page 15