A Love Letter to Whiskey

by Kandi Steiner

  “Jamie?!” She jumped up, throwing her arms around his neck as I held tight to my flask and lifted it to my mouth again. “What the hell? What are you doing here?”

  He laughed, and I finally chanced a look at him. He had on the same hoodie from two nights ago and memories hit me like flashes of lightning, quick and beautiful, one right after another. His hair was disheveled, his eyes low, lazy smile in place. One glance, that’s all I needed for two things to sink in — one, he was drunk, and two, I was in trouble.

  “What do you mean? I go to school here.”

  Jenna’s mouth gaped open and she turned to me, brows pinched together in confusion. “What? Oh my God, B, how did you never tell me Jamie went to the same school as you?”

  Jamie turned to me then, an easy, cocky smile playing at his lips. “She never told you, huh?”

  My fingers nervously played with my curls and I shrugged, smile tight. “I figured you saw on social media or something.”

  “Yeah right,” she giggled the words. “This asshole deleted me after he broke my heart.”

  Oh God, she was flirting.

  Jamie lifted one eyebrow, his smile growing as his eyes swept Jenna’s body. “I seem to remember being on the other side of that heartbreak.”

  Now I was having a different kind of flashback, to that first day on the trail, the way they were looking at each other, studying each other, wondering where the other had been hiding. I tried to swallow, but came up empty. Shooting to my feet, I forced a smile and looped my arm through Jenna’s. “We should make the rounds, I want to introduce you to everyone.”

  She was still looking up at Jamie, but she spoke to me. “Yeah, in a minute. I think Jamie needs a drink.”

  I knew by the glazed look in his eyes that he had already had plenty, but his hands were currently empty. Our eyes connected, just for a second, and the anger I’d seen earlier had completely vanished. I tried to ask him something in that short moment I had his eyes on mine, but I wasn’t sure what. He dropped his gaze back to Jenna too quickly for me to figure it out.

  “That I do. Escort me?” he asked, holding out his arm. Jenna dropped mine like a hot rock and took his offer.

  “Of course.” They started walking, and Jenna turned over her shoulder to mouth oh my God to me before waggling her eyebrows and smiling back up at Jamie. I just watched them leave, flopping down on the bench with a sigh.

  Fuck.

  I realized quickly what kind of night it would be, so I drained three long shots from my flask and gritted against the sting. I needed an escape, I needed a break from my thoughts.

  I needed to get drunk.

  For the first half hour after that, I watched them together, sipping from my flask every other minute. I watched as they filled their cups, as they talked and laughed, as Jenna took every chance she could to reach out and touch him. When they made their way over to a bench at the fire pit opposite me, I stood abruptly, pausing a moment as the whiskey hit me all at once. Shaking it off, I scanned the fires until I found Ethan, weaving my way through the crowd toward him.

  I was not going to torture myself. Jamie was my friend, Jenna was my best friend. They’d been together once before, so what if they rekindled that flame for the next week that she was here? It would be just like high school.

  Except back then, I hadn’t slept with Jamie. I hadn’t felt him burn himself into my skin, brand me, ruin me.

  I huffed, shaking my head. It was one night, and it wasn’t a big deal. It clearly didn’t matter to Jamie and it shouldn’t matter to me. I had Ethan, and Jamie had every other blonde bunny on campus. Things were back to normal.

  I repeated that as I drained the last of my flask.

  “Hey, there you are,” Ethan said with a smile as I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and slid into his lap.

  “Here I am.” I kissed him hard, fists gripping his shirt to pull him closer. I needed him, I needed to fill myself with his scent and erase Jamie’s.

  “Whoa,” he said against my lips, but I just pressed my lips into him harder. “Hey, you okay?” He’d pulled back, scanning me, judging my intoxication level, no doubt.

  “Peachy. Just kissing my boyfriend.” I smiled and he returned it, but hesitantly. “What are you guys talking about?”

  Shayla had turned away at some point, probably feeling a little awkward at my public display of affection, but she lit up then. “Oh! We were just talking about switching things up at our tents next week, really ramping up before the election, you know?” I nodded, reaching for my flask before realizing it was empty. “What do you think of ice cream instead of pizza?”

  She was smiling so big, her and Ethan both waiting for my answer. I sucked my lips between my teeth before letting them go and clapping my hands on my thighs. “I think that sounds amazing! I need a drink. Be right back.”

  I hopped up before either of them could say anything else and made a beeline for the keg. It wasn’t whiskey, but it’d do.

  After I filled my drink, I wandered around for a while, deciding not to worry about Jenna. She was a big girl, and clearly she knew what she wanted to do tonight. Thinking about it just made me sick so I avoided it, prancing from group to group before finally making my way back over to Ethan.

  Except Jamie and Jenna were at the same fire pit now.

  Perfect.

  I took my place in Ethan’s lap again and his hand found my hip, pulling me closer. “Hey,” he whispered.

  “Hey.”

  “I’m sorry about earlier. I don’t want you to think I didn’t enjoy that kiss, because I definitely did,” he said, pressing his lips to my shoulder. “It’s just that Shayla was in the middle of that whole campaign conversation and I was worried she’d feel weird.”

  “It’s fine, I probably should have taken a breath before mauling your face.”

  He smiled, teeth bright even in the low light from the fire. “I kind of like when you maul my face.” He leaned in then, taking my chin between his thumb and knuckles and kissing me sweetly. My eyes flitted to where Jamie sat on the bench catty-corner to us, but his were on Jenna — focused, like he always was.

  Ethan still held my chin as he pulled back, eyes searching mine. “Did you want to talk now?”

  “What?” I asked, returning his gaze but still somehow acutely aware of Jamie’s movements.

  “You wanted to talk earlier. Everything okay?”

  Shit. Suddenly, the idea of telling Ethan terrified me — especially after the amount of Jack Daniels I’d consumed. Seeing his gentle face in the light of the fire twisted the knot in my chest. He deserved to know, and I still planned on telling him.

  But not tonight.

  “You know, it’s nothing really. Let’s just enjoy ourselves tonight.”

  Ethan’s eyebrows pinched together. “You sure?”

  Nodding, I leaned in for another kiss, silencing his worry with my lips. “I’m sure.”

  Even with my heart breaking over what I was keeping from Ethan, I still wondered if Jamie was watching us kiss, and I almost couldn’t hide my disappointment when I pulled back from Ethan’s lips and discovered that he wasn’t.

  I might as well have been dead to him.

  Maybe I was.

  “We should play a game,” I announced to the group, sipping from my cup.

  Jenna clapped her hands together. “Oh! Yes! How about Never Have I Ever?”

  “Classic choice, bestie,” I air-cheers-ed her and she winked, lifting her cup, too.

  “We’re a little old for games, don’t you think?” Jamie’s voice boomed. He was finally looking at me for the first time since he and Jenna had walked away, but I shrugged, keeping my eyes on the fire.

  “You don’t have to play. Tina just showed up, why don’t you go get her a drink and leave us kids alone?” I said it with a smile, but my condescending tone was evident.

  Jenna eyed me before turning her gaze to Jamie. “Girlfriend?”

  Jamie was frowning, but I kept smiling sweet
ly. “No. B has some weird obsession with my Economics project partner and can’t let it go.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Stay or go, I don’t care. Ethan, you go first.”

  Ethan looked uncomfortable, his eyes wary as he glanced around the fire, but he conceded. “Okay. Never have I ever had a one-night stand.”

  Jamie and Jenna drank, smiling at each other over the rims of their cups. Jamie’s eyes fell on me next, and I saw the challenge in them before he even spoke. “Not drinking, B?”

  “Nope.” The word popped off my lips. “Your turn.”

  “You’ve never had a one-night stand?” he questioned, leaning his elbows on his knees. One eyebrow lifted as he waited for the response stuck in my throat.

  “I was her first,” Ethan said confidently, pulling me in close and kissing my neck. “Her only.”

  Guilt rolled through my stomach like a rock slide and I hastily kissed him back, keeping my eyes off Jamie’s.

  “How sweet,” Jenna cooed.

  “Yeah. So sweet,” Jamie agreed. “So, my turn, huh? Hmmm… Never have I ever had a threesome.”

  Jenna and I smiled across the fire at each other, thinking about the promise we’d made to each other years ago that if we ever had a threesome, it had to involve the other. But the smile slid from my face when Ethan took a drink.

  “Wait, seriously?”

  Ethan cringed, like a dog with his tail between his legs. “I was a freshman, I thought it was cool at the time. It didn’t mean anything.”

  “Oh,” I replied softly, wondering why he’d never mentioned it before.

  “Are you mad?”

  It clicked then why Jamie had asked that question and I glared at him over the flames. He just smirked.

  “Of course not,” I assured Ethan. “It was before me. No big deal.” I smiled to seal that lie and he pulled me in closer, kissing my neck as I took a drink and nodded to Jenna. “Your turn.”

  “Oh! Never have I ever gotten a tattoo,” she said excitedly, scanning the fire. When none of us drank, she pouted. “Damn, we need a little excitement in our lives.”

  I laughed, but then snapped my fingers together. “You know what? We should get tats before you leave.”

  “Seriously?” she squeaked.

  “Hell yeah! Why not? We’ll go tomorrow.”

  “Oh my God! I’m in!” Jenna bounced as Shayla slid into the open spot next to Ethan, handing him a new beer and taking a drink of her own.

  “What’s up?”

  “We’re playing Never Have I Ever. Wanna play?” I asked.

  “Sure!”

  I waved my hand, tilting my cup to my lips. “Floor’s all yours.”

  “Hmm…. Never have I ever had sex on the beach.”

  I choked, beer filling my nose as Ethan rubbed my back. “You alright?”

  Nodding, I stood quickly, keeping my eyes off Jamie. I didn’t need to see his cocky smile to know it was sitting on his perfect face. “Fine. I’m going to get a refill.”

  Ethan tried to tighten his grip on me but I slunk away from him, storming toward the keg. Jenna followed.

  “Hey, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine!” I yelled. Jenna’s brows shot up and I huffed. “Sorry. Everyone’s been asking me that tonight and I’m just annoyed.”

  She laughed. “Okay, note to self — you’re fine. Come on, let’s get drinks.”

  Jenna led the way to the keg and filled up first, taking her first drink and looking back toward the fire pit as I filled mine.

  “So, Jamie.”

  “What about him?” I tried for indifferent. I wasn’t sure if I landed there.

  “I just… I forgot how hot he was. He’s gotten even better with age. Like fine wine.”

  Or whiskey.

  “Yeah. He’s a stud,” I said flatly.

  “I think he might be up for a little blast from the past action tonight. Would you be mad? If I maybe left with him?”

  I dropped the nozzle on the keg, an ache burning my chest at the thought. Chugging half of what I poured, I started filling again, but didn’t look at her. “Of course not. Have fun.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I didn’t get to answer because Jamie had shown up, holding his hand out for the nozzle as I finished filling my cup. I thrust it into his hands.

  “You girls up for a swim?” he asked, nodding toward the pool not even a hundred feet from the pits.

  “It’s freezing,” I deadpanned.

  He just shrugged. “So? Live a little.”

  “Because that always works out so well,” I murmured, lifting my cup to my lips.

  Jenna narrowed her eyes. “Why are you being weird tonight?”

  “I’m not being weird,” I gritted through my teeth, my head swimming from the alcohol. I realized the longer I stood that I’d successfully fulfilled my plan to get drunk.

  “I don’t know,” Jamie offered, standing up straight with his beer now full. “You are kind of being weird.”

  I glared up at him then and he just smirked, taking a sip. I opened my mouth to pop off some sort of smart remark, but decided better, shaking my head instead. “I’m going to find Ethan. You two have fun catching hypothermia.”

  Jenna called out to me but I ignored her, deciding at that moment that what Jamie and Jenna did that night didn’t matter.

  But no matter how much I repeated that to myself as I finished beer after beer and the night turned to early morning, I couldn’t stop watching them. They were like a car wreck or a drunk guy preaching on the sidewalk. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t tear my eyes away for more than thirty seconds, and the more the night went on, the more they touched, the more they laughed, the more I wanted to vomit.

  Even worse, Jamie’s eyes never found mine again. Not when I danced with Ethan, grinding my ass into his groin, or when I straddled him on the bench, kissing him with fervor. He didn’t glance over when I laughed loud or glare when Ethan’s lips found my neck and collarbone. It was like I didn’t exist, and the more I drank, the more that bothered me.

  Everyone has that one night they can trace back to in their mind, that first night they drank too much and made a complete ass of themselves. Well, this was that night for me, and I was about to find out the hard way that, contrary to popular belief, “liquor before beer” did not always mean “in the clear” — especially when it all started with Jack Daniels.

  “I want to go swimming,” I sang into Ethan’s lips as we kissed, the party in high gear around us. Jamie wanted to go in the pool, and I wanted Jamie’s attention. Science.

  Ethan laughed. “A little too cold for that, babe. Maybe in a week or two.”

  “No, I want to go now,” I argued, pouting.

  A freshman sprinted past us, ripping his clothes off and flinging them behind him, screaming something about skinny dipping. I perked up, eyes on him as everyone laughed around us and I turned back to Ethan.

  “Come on! Let’s go!” I jumped up, tugging my boots off and following after the naked freshman. Ethan hooked his arm around my elbow.

  “B, no, you’re not going skinny dipping.”

  I didn’t know why, but his demand didn’t sit right with me, and I scowled. “I can do whatever the hell I want.”

  Ethan’s eyes were hard, unbudging. “I’m serious. There’s too many people here, and it’s a campus party. There’s campus police like two streets away and you’re already drinking underage. Don’t be stupid.”

  I ripped my arm away from his and saw Jamie and Jenna both stand in my periphery. “What, afraid I’ll damage your perfect reputation before election?” I was sneering, and I knew I was being ugly, but I couldn’t stop it. I was out of control. “It was embarrassing to kiss me earlier, guess it’d really be embarrassing if I took my clothes off.” I didn’t know why I wanted to push his buttons, but I stripped my sweater off to prove the point, leaving me in just the tank top I was wearing underneath. A few guys whistled and I tossed a wink in their direction.
/>   “Okay, come on. We’re leaving.” He went to grab my arm again but I dodged it.

  “You can go if you want. I’m not ready to leave.”

  “That wasn’t a request.”

  “And mine wasn’t a suggestion.”

  “Damnit, Brecks!” He screamed my name like a curse word. It might as well have been. “You’re not getting in that pool. End of story.”

  He was talking to me like a child, scolding me by using my full name. I glared at him, mouth open, wondering how he could do that. He didn’t know about my parents, but I’d told him my real name in confidence, telling him there was a very real reason why I never went by it.

  And he’d betrayed that trust.

  “B…” Jamie flanked me, holding his hands out like I was dangerous. “Come on. I’ll walk you back to your dorm.”

  “I can walk myself,” I spat at all of them, snatching my sweater and boots off the ground. Then, I turned on my heels and tore through the crowd that had been staring at us, pushing down the emotions building inside of me and focusing on not stumbling as I pulled my boots back on.

  I didn’t even make it through the parking lot before I heard his steps behind me.

  “Go away, Jamie,” I threw behind me, still stalking toward the path that led back to my dorm. The university was set up in a circular fashion, with different sidewalk circles connecting the inner and outer parts of campus. We were on the outside, and so was my dorm, just a short ten-minute walk away, and I found solace in that as I brushed past the cars parked in Lot A.

  “What? Nothing to say now?”

  “I said go away.”

  “Oh come on,” he chided, his long legs letting him catch up to me easily. “You’ve been doing your damnedest to get my attention all night. Well, you’ve got it.”

  I scoffed. “Contrary to your belief that the world revolves around you, Jamie, you were the last thing on my mind tonight.”

  “Bullshit.”

  I spun then, stopping us mid-stride, practically seething. “Just leave me alone! Go back to Jenna and give her the Tour De’ Jamie’s Bedroom. I’ve heard it’s quite the tourist spot on campus.”

  Jamie’s lips flattened and he slammed his hand against a random truck. “Damnit, B!” I flinched, waiting for the alarm to sound, but it didn’t. “What the hell do you want from me? You give yourself to me after all this time and then treat me like scum the next fucking day, saying it was a mistake and didn’t matter to you. But then, you act like a goddamn fool when you see me with your best friend.” He stepped into my space and my breath caught in my chest. “You think I slept with Tina? I didn’t. She’s in my class, nothing more. You think that night didn’t matter to me? It did. It’s all I’ve thought about since. You think it doesn’t kill me to see Ethan’s hands on you?” He stepped closer, eyes wild. “It does. It fucking murders me. You think what happened between us wasn’t real? It was.” His chest was heaving as everything faded out around us and his eyes fell to my lips. “And it still is.”