When Sh*t Gets in the Way

by Ines Vieira

  Yes, Quaid brought all this to light, but most importantly he showed me that I was capable of doing more good if I lead with my heart than with my brain. If everything that I set out to do had my full heartfelt conviction, then there was nothing I couldn’t accomplish. He showed me that there were still people out there that will always strive to do the right thing instead of the easy thing. He challenged me at every turn and I grew up. I will never have the words to explain to him how grateful I am. How the past months have been the best in my life even when they were the worst. But now self-preservation is yelling at me, and I can’t ignore it any further. Quaid’s demons are his own and he never fully divulged them to me, and that on its own created a rift in our relationship. But the lies, omitted truths and miscommunication killed us. I wish it hadn’t but it did and even though I will love Quaid until my dying breath, I will learn to move on. I have to.

  “Please don’t make me ask you, again.” I feel the tears threaten to leak out of me, but if I let one fall, Quaid will try and comfort me and I won’t be strong enough to refuse him if I’m in his arms.

  “I can’t,” he whispers

  “I can’t let you go for something that I have no control over.” I make the mistake of looking up at his face as he kneels before me and grabs my hands in his. His eyes are red and his jaw is clenched and I know he’s trying just as hard in keeping his tears in check. It’s a disheartening sight. I want to place my hands on his cheek. I want to go onto his lap on the floor and let him cradle me in his arms. This is just too hard. I feel like I’m dying and taking the love of my life right along with me.

  “I love you so much, Jessica. I can’t let you go. I don’t know how.” His voice is hoarse and he lowers his lips and kisses each one of my fingers that are in his hands. With each kiss, I feel his wet tears fall on my skin and that sets off my own and my heart swells up two sizes. When people say that you can’t die of a broken heart apparently, they never loved anyone this much their entire lives. As each second passes, I feel the life in me slowly vanish into thin air with every tear that falls from his eyes.

  “I’m so sorry.” His apology is so low that I almost miss it between my own sobs. I wish I had the courage to ask what he was sorry about, but the selfish part of my self-preservation is too threatened that he may say Olivia’s name out loud, and that would just hurt me too much. I’m too broken to say a word and continue to look down at him as he falls apart at my feet. How did we ever get to this place?

  “Please, meu amor. Don’t make me let you go.” He’s begging now on hands and knees, he’s begging and I know that I have finally broken him and it splits me in half. I can’t do it. I can’t.

  “I need some time,” I hear myself say. Quaid is my weakness and my love for him speaks louder than I do. He raises his head to look at me and a glimmer of hope springs up to life in his eyes.

  “You have it.” He places a hand on my cheek and his thumb clears away the tears that stubbornly continue to fall.

  “Alone. I need some time alone.”

  “I understand,” he answers looking into my eyes trying to see if there is any part of me that still loves him enough not to quit on him. I hope he sees it because I’m not as certain. I’m not sure that I’m strong enough to go through this again. His face falters and I know that all he sees is my pain in plain view.

  “No promises,” he says shattered, and I nod, equally broken-hearted.

  “I understand,” he chokes out and closes his eyes, and I count every heartbeat, that he’s this close to me.

  I want to memorize his face, his scent, his touch. Will this be the last time that I will ever be this close to him? This vulnerable with any other human being? I hate that I already feel I’ve given up on us, but right now I need to distance myself from Quaid. He clouds my judgment and I need a clear head before I make any final decisions.

  With his eyes still closed, he places one hand in the back of my neck and leans me forward so he can place a chaste kiss on my temple. He lingers there for a minute, smelling my hair and maybe trying to memorize this goodbye just as I had been. He then let’s go and stands up towering over me on the couch. I look up and he gives me a small smile that never reaches his eyes. He places his hand one more time on my cheek and I can’t help put to lean into it and place my own hand over his. A strangled sigh leaves his lips, and sooner than I was ready for, he removes his hand from my grasp and rushes out the door, leaving me cold and alone. I crash to the floor feeling defeated and lost.

  Will this be my new reality now?

  Being with Quaid, was like being warm with the heat of the blistering sun. Yes, at times it made you uncomfortable and it challenged you to surpass your limits, but that same warmth made my whole body glow in its presence. Made me feel safe, wanted and cared for, but most of all alive and awake for all the joys life brought. That warmth was my own life force.

  But now?

  Now, I only feel the bitter cold move its way along my bones until it settles deep within my heart. That’s all I feel. Cold and no matter what my future has in store for me, I know that I will never be warm again.

  ***

  The moment I get back to Columbia, my resolve is steadfast. Both Izzy and Drew have been acting out of character, and if there is one thing I’ve learned through Candi’s ordeal, is that denying there is a problem, doesn’t make them go away. Sooner or later lies and omitted truths are brought to light. If they stay hidden then they will only damage any good you were able to find. Quaid also taught me that whether he is conscious of it or not.

  “I’m here, grasshopper. What’s so important that it couldn’t wait until I unpacked?” Drew asks throwing his body onto Izzy’s bed. He tickles her left rib, but she gives him a timid smile and moves away from him.

  “That right there is what’s so important,” I deadpan. Izzy has never been shy with her affection towards either Drew or me, but these past couple of months, the once bubbly blond has changed into a caterpillar wrapped up in a safe cocoon of her making, and not letting anyone in, even us.

  “Both of you have been shady as hell these past couple of months. Now I’ve waited for both of you to come clean and just tell me what the hell was going on, but neither of you will budge and tell it to me straight. So consider this my own form of intervention. No one is stepping out of this room until they spill about why both of you have been so cagey. I’m sick and tired of being kept in the dark and I won’t tolerate my friends being the ones who are turning the lights off on me. So who wants to go first, ‘cause I have all day?” I sit on my bed facing them both.

  Spring break was hell back in Plymouth and I swore once I came back to school, I wouldn’t tolerate any more secrets. Quaid’s secrets shattered me in ways I have yet to establish. I’d be damned if I let Drew and Izzy’s secrets screw up our friendship. They look at each other skittishly having their own form of silent talk. I roll my eyes since these two have always been thick as thieves from the moment they met.

  “Okay, I can go first then. Like I said no more secrets between the three of us, no matter what they are. Quaid and I are no longer together. Like you two, he also thinks it’s better to keep some skeletons in the closet. His, being an Ex that just won’t go away and for some reason he’s unable to keep her away. So in a nutshell, I just lost my boyfriend and maybe the love of my life because he was unwilling to tell me the truth. So tell me, do I have to go and find new friends too, because the ones I have are just like him?”

  Drew looks over at Izzy and gives her a tired smile. He straightens up and leans his back onto the wall facing us.

  “I’ll go first, Iz. Mine isn’t as bad as yours,” he tells her as he looks me head-on with a defeated look in his eye.

  “First of all, Izzy and I never meant to keep anything from you, Jess. It’s just that we care for you, little grasshopper, and these past couple of months you’ve been so happy we just didn’t want to take that away from you. Shit, when we met you, you seemed so lost here, but with
Quaid in the picture, you finally found your balance. Our shit was just going to upset you, and frankly, we thought you deserved to be happy a little while longer until we could sort our own drama out.” Drew runs his fingers through his hair, aggravation seeping out of him with every breath he takes.

  “So unsurprisingly, I messed up too. While you were falling in love with future Dr. McDreamy, I fell for the guy who will probably be the next president of the United States if his family has any say in the matter. So in other words, he’s as in the closet as they come. And when I say fell, I don’t mean he was the flavor of the week sort of fell. I mean I fell madly and deeply for the long haul kind of stumble. Hook line and sinker, like I never experienced before and we haven’t even gone on a date once. Real Romeo & Juliet or in our case Julien type of thing. But his family is so twisted and archaic that my Romeo will never man up and will probably marry a beauty queen just for appearance's sake. So before we went home for break, I told him I wanted something legit. I went all girl on him and demanded hearts and flowers and strolling on the beach hand in hand scenario, and he just froze. Froze like I was making him chose between life and death. Which when I think about it, to him it probably was. So I broke it off and I’ve been licking my wounds ever since. So now I’m even more miserable than when we were sneaking behind everyone’s backs.”

  “Is this the same guy you hooked up with at the frat party earlier this year?” I ask still trying to process Drew falling in love. The ultimate player admitting he fell head over heels for anyone is a lot to take in. He nods in response.

  “Do I know him?” I ask, curious as to who finally grabbed Drew’s attention long enough for him to be mildly invested, let alone enamored. Drew squints his eyes and smirks.

  “Like I told Izzy, I love the guy, so I sure as hell am not outing him to satisfy your curiosity. If he stays in the closet for the rest of his life, so will my memories of him. I won’t betray his confidence, not even for you two.” It’s hard keeping my eyes from popping out of my skull. Drew really must harbor some intense feelings for frat boy. And just like that, I remember my own frat boy with his own secrets.

  “Seems like you and I could have talked sooner, Drew. Maybe if we had told each other our worries about our better halves, we might not have fallen so hard and pulled the plug sooner. Maybe we wouldn’t be hurting this much.”

  “I don’t regret a single day of hurt, Jess. If I’m hurting now, it just means I was truly happy before. A person only hurts this bad, when they had something in their hands they know only comes once in a lifetime. I won’t regret my time with Prez, and I just hope he never regrets his time with me.”

  “Prez?” Izzy asks showing one of her teasing smiles.

  “You wait and see baby girl. My boy is going places. I’ve never met a more driven person, aside from this one right here,” he laughs pointing his thumb at me and kissing Izzy on her temple.

  “Don’t get me wrong; I probably won’t vote for him if he does reach Washington. He can be a cruel bastard, and he’s determined in making everyone believe that his ideas are as right- winged as his father’s. But in reality, he’s sweet and vulnerable. It's only due to his upbringing that he acts like a prick because it’s what’s expected of him. Any show of compassion would probably be considered some sort of treason in his household. I want to blame him for not being strong enough to fight for us, but with a past like that and a promising future knocking at your door, I can’t blame him at all for not choosing me. I have nothing to offer him.”

  “That’s not true, Drew. You were offering something far greater and he was just too much of a coward to make the right choice,” Izzy replies giving Drew a sideways hug. Her easy embrace to comfort our friend tells me this talk is exactly what our trio needed.

  “Your turn, Queen Isabella. Spill,” I tell her. Drew draws Izzy closer and whatever her secret is, Drew’s is going to pale in comparison.

  “I don’t want you to freak out, and whatever you do, I want you to hear me out first,” she starts. “At first, I thought it was someone just messing with me, but this has been going on for months now and I’m considering going back home.”

  What the hell?

  “Izzy’s got an admirer who’s creepier than most,” Drew grunts.

  “First it started off with crude texts, but then he started sending pictures of me all over school. Telling me how close he can get to me without me even being aware of it. The worst part are the other pictures.”

  “What other pictures?” I ask, turmoil bubbling in my belly.

  “Pictures of items he’s stolen from me somehow. Like my butterfly necklace or my white scarf. Little items I have no idea how he managed to get his hands on. His texts have become more intimidating day by day, and I think sooner or later he’s going to break. I don’t want to be here when that happens, so I’ve already talked to my parents telling them I’m thinking of transferring back to the UK.”

  “Jesus, Izzy! How the hell did you keep this to yourself all this time?”

  “I told you. At first I thought it was some sort of game or someone just messing with me. But he seems to know every move I make, every place I’ll be at and that’s when it hit me, maybe this guy might be a little off.”

  “A little off? Izzy you got a freaking stalker! He’s not off, he’s completely insane. That is the definition of a stalker, Iz!” I yell out.

  “Jess, can you cool it for a minute. Izzy asked you not to freak out. You’re freaking out,” Drew exhales, hugging Izzy closer. I try to bring into my lungs as much oxygen as I can, but he’s right. I am freaking out.

  “Believe me, I want to go to the authorities or at least to the Dean, but until I figure out who’s behind the unsavoury texts and pictures, they’ll probably just play it off at it being just a bit of hazing or some friend of mine taking a piss. So, tell me what am I supposed to do?”

  “Okay, okay. Let me think,” I tell her now standing and pacing the floor between the two beds.

  “So since Drew and I are both recovering from a broken heart and apparently will not have a social agenda anytime soon, you are not to go anywhere without either of us. Consider us your shadows, or in Drew’s case, secret service,” I tease him trying to shed some humor on the dark days that will follow.

  “Also, you’re coming with me to attend some self-defense classes. I may have lost my favorite teacher, but there are plenty of classes we can take together. You’ll feel better once you’ve kicked a punching bag for an hour. It’s cathartic, trust me,” I grin at her. Whoever this dirt-bag is, he’s not only taken Izzy’s cheerful spirit but also her confidence. That stops now. He’s already done enough damage, no way in hell am I letting him near Izzy without her being able to defend herself.

  “We three stick together. If you still want to transfer back home in a couple of weeks, we won’t stop you, but you dealt with this on your own. Now it’s time you face this creep head-on with back up. You’re buying a new phone and closing all your social media sites. This creeper probably knows where you are because of them anyway. Let’s not make it easy for the asshole, shall we? We won’t even update your personal information in the school registry just in case he’s got access to that too. If the school needs to speak to you for something, they’ll have to get in touch with your parents to do it. Do your folks know what’s going on?”

  “Yeah, I told my older sister and she ratted me out to my folks. They’re the ones that told me I could ask for a transfer without having to finish my first year,” Izzy explains sheepishly.

  “Babe, it’s good they know. Your parents should know what’s going on. None of this is your fault Iz, okay? He’s the deranged one,” Drew explains soothingly.

  “Drew’s right, Iz. It’s a good thing your parents are in the loop. You need them just as much as you need us right now. Tell them if anyone calls from the school requesting your number, that you haven’t got one yet. They can say you’re phone was stolen and until you can afford a new one, the school can l
eave whatever message they have with your folks. If this scumbag is as invested as I think he is, this will probably irk him to no end.”

  “Is that what we want? To piss him off?” Izzy asks alarmed.

  “It’s exactly what we want. It means you’re fighting back. He’s not accustomed to it, so it will take him off guard. Hopefully enough for him to make a mistake and out himself without him realizing it. All we need is a name. Once we have it, we can go to the cops and to the Dean. Have you deleted anything he’s sent you?” Iz shakes her head.