Shadows of Our Past

by Tanya Jean Russell

  He didn’t know whether to be grateful or annoyed that he’d found the willpower not to go to her, but the fear on her face last night when he had recognized her made one thing very clear. If he pushed too hard she’d bolt completely. The question was, should he push at all? Even if he could get her to trust him again, could he trust himself?

  Chapter Ten

  When the day finally began creeping in at around five a.m., Amory finally gave up any pretense of sleep. She wasn’t about to risk leaving the room, not until she had some idea of how she was going to face Jackson when she had completely destroyed his already turbulent life all those years ago. Unfortunately she couldn’t get the sight of Jack’s face, frozen in recognition, from her mind. The image was making it impossible to ignore the memories which had filled her dreams over the years. As she lay in the dark, they now stalked her while she was awake and she wasn’t going back there, not now.

  Only the cost of failing at her mission kept her from unlocking the bedroom door and going to him to beg his forgiveness. How was she going to face this man? He had been prosecuted based on her evidence. His life had been completely destroyed by her.

  She decided to call Holly to try and stop her drifting thoughts.

  “Amory?” Holly mumbled sleepily, then clearly realizing the early hour of the call, her voice took on a panicked edge that cut through the last of her drowsiness.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I’m just having a hard time with this case,” Amory replied. “I could do with some friendly support.”

  “Oh, hon, you know I’m always here for you,” Holly said. “Has Halland Junior figured out who you are?”

  “Yeah. He recognized me last night.”

  “How did it go?”

  “Uh, well, I kind of didn’t talk to him,” Amory muttered. She was a trained professional and heat flooded her cheeks at the memory of how badly she’d handled it.

  “What do you mean, you didn’t talk to him?” Holly asked with surprise. “You know the drill. That’s not the best way to protect your cover. What happened?”

  She resisted the urge to get defensive. Holly might not have been undercover for years but as the team’s tactical lead Holly was the reason she hadn’t died more times than she could remember. Amory didn’t mess up, she’d built her reputation on that fact, so Holly was only reacting the way anyone in the team would at hearing how she’d handled this. Actually, she was being a lot gentler about it than most of the team would be.

  “I sort of ran away from him,” Amory said with a sigh. She was perilously close to letting the whole team down, to failing to get the justice she had sworn to deliver, and that was something that couldn’t happen.

  “I don’t understand? We’ve worked together for ten years, hell, we even trained together. During that time you’ve had your cover challenged plenty of times and handled it.”

  Feeling Holly’s confusion and curiosity, Amory decided to kick her thought process from concerned friend to action-oriented colleague.

  “I don’t know what to say. I just really need a game plan for facing him today.”

  She could feel the effort it took for Holly not to ask the million questions she clearly wanted to as a friend, and focus on providing the practical support she knew she should.

  “Okay,” Holly said, drawing the word out. “Let’s get a plan together then. But you know I’m going to need the full story soon.”

  Damn. Looking at the clock, Amory realized that after her chat with Holly, she had finally dozed off again and was now running late. As always her sleep had been filled with the haunting images that her job exposed her to, but this time they had been mixed in with memories of Jack. All in all it had not been a good night. Muttering to herself, she wondered if she had enough time to take a quick shower before William would expect her in the office.

  No matter what was going on in her life, she had a job to do. If she didn’t follow this through it was going to affect a lot more than her pride. She had a debt to pay.

  After talking to Holly, she knew there was no way she was going to even try to get out of this. There was so much at stake, she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she failed. That didn’t change the fact that on a personal level she didn’t know how she was going to face Jackson again. He was going to crucify her, and while she knew the brothers weren’t close, they were still family, and she would have to bulldoze right over William to keep him onboard. After all, William had as much to lose as she did.

  Looking at the wardrobe of clothes, she reluctantly pulled out a black suit and matching pumps. Not quite what William would prefer but definitely more kickass than pastels and stilettos. She’d rather face Jackson in the jeans that had been her uniform for the last ten years. That was the armor that would help her remember she was a strong independent woman, one who’d managed without him for ten years. They were the clothes that would make it easier to run away, but whatever her personal feelings she needed to keep William under control. That meant showing him that, regardless of what Jackson told him, she was the one in charge here and their deal was unaffected by this development. She would live up to her end of the bargain, but he had to as well, and family be dammed.

  When she reached the office just fifteen minutes late, an award-worthy, record-breaking accomplishment, William raised his eyebrows pointedly at her as he swung his office door shut. Bugger, she’d have to wait until he reemerged to implement the battle plan. Dropping her oversized handbag into her desk drawer, she resisted the urge to sigh. She pulled her photo of Katja out of the bag and held it for a moment. This, this was why she couldn’t let anything, or anyone, stop her. Taking a deep breath she silently repeated her promise to Katja before slipping the photo away and closing the drawer.

  Looking at William’s shut door, she resisted the urge to just barge in there. She needed William on her side and barging in wouldn’t help. Once she’d secured William’s commitment, she could deal with Jackson. She was going to see this job through and get it done, even if it broke her heart. Berishka was too dangerous to let go. Stopping him was far more important than her pride, or her heart. Impatiently she watched the switchboard light for William’s extension, waiting for him to finish his call so she could go in and make sure he wasn’t about to blow her mission because of her past with his brother.

  When the light finally went out she steeled herself as she began to ease out of her chair, preparing to head into his office, when Jackson strode in. Face blank, he grabbed her, his hand curled firmly around her upper arm, and he pulled her the rest of the way out of her chair. He pulled her into the office bathroom and backed her against the door before locking it.

  Self-preservation finally overtook her initial surprise and she shook herself free, spinning around to unlock the door with the heat from Jackson’s palm imprinted on her arm. He reached over her shoulder, his body framing her, and held the door closed. She knew she wasn’t in any physical danger from him but that didn’t mean she wanted to face him, not yet.

  “Please, just give me five minutes?” he asked.

  Surprised at the tone of desperation, she warily turned to face him.

  “What do you want, Lord Halland?” she said, trying to push some emotional distance between them.

  “Christ, don’t call me that,” he said. He leaned down so his forehead rested against hers, his hair falling forward as though shutting them away from the rest of the world.

  She stood against the door, unable to think straight when he was so close. Sucking in a breath she tried to distract herself from the scent of the outdoors that he’d always seemed to carry with him. Instead she busied herself studying his battered brown leather walking boots. She was trying to guess the original color of the stitching when he pulled back slightly and placed his fingers under her chin, raising her face until she met his gaze. Instead of the anger and hatred she expected, his eyes were full of desire as he slowly lowered his head to hers and gently pressed his soft firm l
ips against her own.

  The moment their lips met lightning shot through her body. She opened her lips to tell him to stop, but he used the opportunity to slide his tongue into her mouth. Starting as a gentle, tentative touch, it quickly deepened. He pulled her tongue with his and sucked at her lips, letting her know just how much he wanted her. It spoke to a passionate need that matched her own. The little voice telling her to stop dimmed and faded completely as she fell deeper into the feeling of his lips on hers.

  Overwhelmed by the heat and scent of him, as well as the sense of familiarity that sent her pulse into overdrive, her body vibrated with need. He groaned a deep guttural sound of desire and she pressed herself against him, feeling the hard contours of his body, needing to feel him pressed against her. She molded further to the hard, lean man, reveling in the way her body fit into his.

  As he pushed into her mouth, a mix of toothpaste and coffee mingled with the taste of the man she knew, the man her body remembered. She gasped as he sucked her bottom lip into his own mouth. His beard brushed against her skin, telling her somewhere deep inside that Jack was gone, had vanished that day ten years ago. She wasn’t kissing Jack, the boy she remembered. She was kissing Jackson, the man she had betrayed. The thought flickered too briefly for her to register and was lost in a sea of sensations. He slid one hand into her hair as the other remained against the door above her head, framing her body with his and effectively trapping her between the two hard surfaces.

  She squirmed against his body, wanting to feel every inch of muscle pressing against her, needing to be closer. Her frustration built at the clothing preventing her from touching him properly. They were both panting, their breath ragged as his large hands slid down her back and grasped her bottom, hitching her skirt upward. The hard skin on his fingers rasped against the fabric of her tights as he kneaded her thighs. She pulled his t-shirt from his jeans and slid her hands up, desperate to feel the muscles of his back against her palms. The heat of his skin as her hands splayed, finally making direct contact, brought reality crashing back in. What the hell was she doing?

  Flushed, she yanked her hands from under his t-shirt. Firmly planting them on his chest to push him away she groaned. Big mistake, she thought. The feel of tight muscles and his rapidly beating heart meant it was all she could do to stop from dragging him back to her.

  “No,” she said, grateful that her voice came out clear. She’d expected it to sound like a desperate pant. Taking advantage of his momentary surprise, she spun around and shot out of the bathroom with her heavy heart still beating too fast. Amory was horrified. She had nearly had sex in a toilet, not that she had a problem with that, it was fancier than her bedroom after all. The fact it was with someone who was now a key part of her job was the real problem. It hadn’t gone that far, but she had no doubt that it would have if she hadn’t walked out when she did, added to which she was not only supposed to be in a relationship with his brother, but she also hadn’t seen him for ten years.

  Stopping dead, she realized with crashing relief he couldn’t have any idea what she had done to him ten years ago, not when he had kissed and touched her like that. She lifted her hand to her swollen lips, running her fingers over her face, sensitive where his beard had rubbed against her. As she sat back behind her desk she took in William’s now open office door. She needed to speak to him, but needed her heart to slow down before she attempted that. Thank God she had stopped herself, actually, she corrected herself, thank God she had stopped them both. She knew from personal experience that getting involved on a job wasn’t ever a good idea. A very personal experience that involved that same man.

  She tried to appear completely engrossed in something about the estate’s accounts on her computer, as her thoughts ran through the new situation and she tried to formulate a fresh plan. When Jackson finally came out of the bathroom, looking as disheveled as she felt, he began walking in her direction. Her already heightened pulse kicked up another notch as she could sense him closing the gap, his long muscular legs striding determinedly toward her in her peripheral vision.

  At William’s shouted instruction to come and take a letter she breathed a sigh of relief. She slipped from behind her desk to dash into William’s office, but wasn’t fast enough to evade Jackson’s hand as it shot out. Yet again it tightened around her upper arm, not tight enough to hurt, but enough to hold her in place.

  He softly whispered into her ear, “We need to talk.”

  The heat from his breath gently brushing across her ear and neck made her knees wobble. His closeness and the seductive promise in his voice were stripping her of all rational thought.

  “Nnuh,” she muttered as he released her. Seeing her vacant expression, he gave her that sexy half-smile of his then gently propelled her toward William’s office.

  Having finally completed William’s letters, Amory once again wondered what had possessed her to insist that she needed to do all the work William’s assistant would normally do. She gave up her futile efforts to resist the siren call of the fridge and wandered through to the kitchen. Stress eating was such an ingrained response that even Maggie’s disapproval wasn’t going to be enough to stop her.

  She was relieved to find the kitchen empty and scooted up to sit on the traditional marble kitchen surface while she chomped Maggie’s still warm homemade cookies. A sigh of sheer pleasure escaped as the chocolate chips part-melted on contact. Relief that Jackson hadn’t guessed at her part in his past was mixed with confusion. Why didn’t he tell William she wasn’t who she pretended to be? She had no doubt that had the brothers discussed it, William would have been in a state of panic rather than calmly dictating letters to her.

  Logically she knew she should take the initiative and tell William herself, as Jackson surely would before long. A preemptive strike gave her the best tactical chance of maintaining control, as well as keeping William in line, but she couldn’t bring herself to deal with it until she had to.

  The external door to the kitchen creaked open and Amory snapped her hand out of the cookie jar. She looked up to see Ed pulling his muddy work boots off.

  “Maggie has you well trained,” she said with a smile.

  “After all these years of marriage I definitely know better than to tread mud through her kitchen.”

  “Fancy a cuppa?”

  “Aye, ta, love. Three sugars…” he began, rubbing his hands together from the icy cold outside as he spoke.

  “And seriously strong, I know. How’s the day going?” Amory interrupted.

  He was one of the people Amory genuinely liked in the household. Ed’s bright eyes took in everything, usually a disadvantage in her line of work, but he was a steady reassuring presence in the house.

  She figured he might be the only person who suspected there was more to her than simply being another notch in William’s bedpost, yet he always had a kind word for her, almost as if to make up for his wife’s acerbic tongue. Although truth be told, Amory understood Maggie’s protective attitude.

  “Fine.”

  “What’ve you been doing today?” It was genuinely interesting when Ed talked about the management of the estate’s grounds, as his work was immensely more complicated than Amory would have ever imagined. The genuine love he had for the estate made his face glow as he spoke. Today, however, he was missing some of his usual sparkle.

  “Thinning the forest today, although Jackson looks like a man possessed out there.”

  Her face must have asked the question for her as Ed explained.

  “Jackson helps around the estate whenever he’s around, but usually with a little less aggression. I hope he and William haven’t fallen out,” Ed mused.

  She shoveled another cookie into her mouth at Ed’s innocent comment. She had a sinking feeling she knew exactly what had Jackson in a bad mood and it had nothing to do with his brother.

  Ed’s chuckle broke into her reverie. “Pass the cookies, Olivia love, while there are some left!”

  She pass
ed the barrel to Ed and brushed the giveaway crumbs from her blouse.

  “I um, need to get back to the office. See you later,” she said as she walked out of the kitchen. She couldn’t face being under Ed’s knowing gaze as she wrestled with the possibility that Jackson was toying with her.

  “Don’t fret. William and Jackson will be fine in the end. They always are, love.” Ed’s voice followed her as she made her way down the long corridor but she couldn’t respond. Jackson must know what she had done to him after all. Was he trying to seduce her as part of his revenge?

  Chapter Eleven

  That afternoon Tim Roberts arrived just five minutes before Amory was due to meet with Alice. She resisted the urge to shudder as he leaned in to air-kiss her. The scent of the weird hair gel he favored was overpowering as he closed in. The further his hairline receded, the more of the stuff he seemed to use.

  “Hello, Olivia.”

  “Tim,” Amory responded. “Do you have the plans for the day?”

  “Of course, darling.”

  She led him to the office area and gestured for him to sit down. She might not particularly like the man but having one of her team members here was a distraction from her own spiraling thoughts. Sitting opposite her he slipped a small black case across the desk.

  She tuned him out as he began talking about lenses and filters, instead flicking the clasp on the case open. Quickly taking in the contents, she was relieved to see it was a kit she was familiar with. The rate technology was developed meant she had been caught out more than once with equipment she’d never used before. She was tense enough about the meeting with Marek the next day without having to learn how to use unfamiliar recording devices as well.

  She closed the case and slipped it into her desk drawer before turning her attention reluctantly back to Roberts. He’d been with the team for over five years and she still struggled to connect with him, but it was nice to have someone familiar around, even if it was only for an hour.