The Distracted Preacher

by Thomas Hardy

  Even had Hubert been so inclined, he could not have eaten in his helpless state, unless by dipping his mouth into the dishes, like a pig or cow. He wished first to obtain assistance; and was about to penetrate further into the house for that purpose when he heard hasty footsteps in the porch and the words, “Be quick!” uttered in the deep voice which had reached him when he was dragged from the horse. There was only just time for him to dart under the table before three men entered the dining-hall. Peeping from beneath the hanging edges of the tablecloth, he perceived that their faces, too, were blackened, which at once removed any remaining doubts he may have felt that these were the same thieves.

  “Now, then,” said the first—the man with the deep voice—“let us hide ourselves. They will all be back again in a minute. That was a good trick to get them out of the house—eh?”

  “Yes. You well imitated the cries of a man in distress,” said the second.

  “Excellently,” said the third.

  “But they will soon find out that it was a false alarm. Come, where shall we hide? It must be some place we can stay in for two or three hours, till all are in bed and asleep. Ah! I have it. Come this way! I have learnt that the further closet is not opened once in a twelvemonth; it will serve our purpose exactly.”

  The speaker advanced into a corridor which led from the hall. Creeping a little farther forward, Hubert could discern that the closet stood at the end, facing the dining-hall. The thieves entered it, and closed the door. Hardly breathing, Hubert glided forward, to learn a little more of their intention, if possible; and, coming close, he could hear the robbers whispering about the different rooms where the jewels, plate, and other valuables of the house were kept, which they plainly meant to steal.

  They had not been long in hiding when a gay chattering of ladies and gentlemen was audible on the terrace without. Hubert felt that it would not do to be caught prowling about the house, unless he wished to be taken for a robber himself; and he slipped softly back to the hall, out at the door, and stood in a dark corner of the porch, where he could see everything without being himself seen. In a moment or two a whole troop of personages came gliding past him into the house. There were an elderly gentleman and lady, eight or nine young ladies, as many young men, besides half-a-dozen men-servants and maids. The mansion had apparently been quite emptied of its occupants.

  “Now, children and young people, we will resume our meal,” said the old gentleman. “What the noise could have been I cannot understand. I never felt so certain in my life that there was a person being murdered outside my door.”

  Then the ladies began saying how frightened they had been, and how they had expected an adventure, and how it had ended in nothing after all.

  “Wait a while,” said Hubert to himself. “You’ll have adventure enough by-and-by, ladies.”

  It appeared that the young men and women were married sons and daughters of the old couple, who had come that day to spend Christmas with their parents.

  The door was then closed, Hubert being left outside in the porch.

  He thought this a proper moment for asking their assistance; and, since he was unable to knock with his hands, began boldly to kick the door.

  “Hullo! What disturbance are you making here?” said a footman who opened it; and, seizing Hubert by the shoulder, he pulled him into the dining-hall. “Here’s a strange boy I have found making a noise in the porch, Sir Simon.”

  Everybody turned.

  “Bring him forward,” said Sir Simon, the old gentleman before mentioned. “What were you doing there, my boy?”

  “Why, his arms are tied!” said one of the ladies.

  “Poor fellow!” said another.

  Hubert at once began to explain that he had been waylaid on his journey home, robbed of his horse, and mercilessly left in this condition by the thieves.

  “Only to think of it!” exclaimed Sir Simon.

  “That’s a likely story,” said one of the gentleman-guests, incredulously.

  “Doubtful, hey?” asked Sir Simon.

  “Perhaps he’s a robber himself,” suggested a lady.

  “There is a curiously wild wicked look about him, certainly, now that I examine him closely,” said the old mother.

  Hubert blushed with shame; and, instead of continuing his story, and relating that robbers were concealed in the house, he doggedly held his tongue, and half resolved to let them find out their danger for themselves.

  “Well, untie him,” said Sir Simon. “Come, since it is Christmas Eve, we’ll treat him well. Here, my lad; sit down in that empty seat at the bottom of the table, and make as good a meal as you can. When you have had your fill we will listen to more particulars of your story.”

  The feast then proceeded; and Hubert, now at liberty, was not at all sorry to join in. The more they eat and drank the merrier did the company become; the wine flowed freely, the logs flared up the chimney, the ladies laughed at the gentlemen’s stories; in short, all went as noisily and as happily as a Christmas gathering in old times possibly could do.

  Hubert, in spite of his hurt feelings at their doubts of his honesty, could not help being warmed both in mind and in body by the good cheer, the scene, and the example of hilarity set by his neighbours. At last he laughed as heartily at their stories and repartees as the old Baronet, Sir Simon, himself. When the meal was almost over one of the sons, who had drunk a little too much wine, after the manner of men in that century, said to Hubert, “Well, my boy, how are you? Can you take a pinch of snuff?” He held out one of the snuff-boxes which were then becoming common among young and old throughout the country.

  “Thank you,” said Hubert, accepting a pinch.

  “Tell the ladies who you are, what you are made of, and what you can do,” the young man continued, slapping Hubert upon the shoulder.

  “Certainly,” said our hero, drawing himself up, and thinking it best to put a bold face on the matter. “I am a travelling magician.”

  “Indeed!”

  “What shall we hear next?”

  “Can you call up spirits from the vasty deep, young wizard?”

  “I can conjure up a tempest in a cupboard,” Hubert replied.

  “Ha—ha!” said the old Baronet, pleasantly rubbing his hands. “We must see this performance. Girls, don’t go away: here’s something to be seen.”

  “Not dangerous, I hope?” said the old lady.

  Hubert rose from the table. “Hand me your snuff-box, please,” he said to the young man who had made free with him. “And now,” he continued, “without the least noise, follow me. If any of you speak it will break the spell.”

  They promised obedience. He entered the corridor, and, taking off his shoes, went on tiptoe to the closet door, the guests advancing in a silent group at a little distance behind him. Hubert next placed a stool in front of the door, and, by standing upon it, was tall enough to reach to the top. He then, just as noiselessly, poured all the snuff from the box along the upper edge of the door, and, with a few short puffs of breath, blew the snuff through the chink into the interior of the closet. He held up his finger to the assembly, that they might be silent.

  “Dear me, what’s that?” said the old lady, after a minute or two had elapsed.

  A suppressed sneeze had come from inside the closet.

  Hubert held up his finger again.

  “How very singular,” whispered Sir Simon. “This is most interesting.”

  Hubert took advantage of the moment to gently slide the bolt of the closet door into its place. “More snuff,” he said, calmly.

  “More snuff,” said Sir Simon. Two or three gentlemen passed their boxes, and the contents were blown in at the top of the closet. Another sneeze, not quite so well suppressed as the first, was heard: then another, which seemed to say that it would not be suppressed under any circumstances whatever at length there arose a perfect storm of sneezes.

  “Excellent, excellent for one so young!” said Sir Simon. “I am much interested in th
is trick of throwing the voice—called, I believe, ventriloquism.”

  “More snuff,” said Hubert

  “More snuff,” said Sir Simon. Sir Simon’s man brought a large jar of the best scented Scotch.

  Hubert once more charged the upper chink of the closet, and blew the snuff into the interior, as before. Again he charged, and again, emptying the whole contents of the jar. The tumult of sneezes became really extraordinary to listen to—there was no cessation. It was like wind, rain, and sea battling in a hurricane.

  “I believe there are men inside, and that it is no trick at all!” exclaimed Sir Simon, the truth flashing on him.

  “There are,” said Hubert. “They are come to rob the house; and they are the same who stole my horse.”

  The sneezes changed to spasmodic groans. One of the thieves, hearing Hubert’s voice, cried, “Oh! mercy! mercy! let us out of this!”

  “Where’s my horse? said Hubert.

  “Tied to the tree in the hollow behind Short’s Gibbet. Mercy! mercy! let us out, or we shall die of suffocation!”

  All the Christmas guests now perceived that this was no longer sport, but serious earnest. Guns and cudgels were procured; all the men-servants were called in, and arranged in position outside the closet. At a signal Hubert withdrew the bolt, and stood on the defensive. But the three robbers, far from attacking them, were found crouching in the corner, gasping for breath. They made no resistance; and, being pinioned, were placed in an out-house till the morning.

  Hubert now gave the remainder of his story to the assembled company, and was profusely thanked for the services he had rendered. Sir Simon pressed him to stay over the night, and accept the use of the best bed-room the house afforded, which had been occupied by Queen Elizabeth and King Charles successively when on their visits to this part of the country. But Hubert declined, being anxious to find his horse Jerry, and to test the truth of the robbers’ statements concerning him.

  Several of the guests accompanied Hubert to the spot behind the gibbet, alluded to by the thieves as where Jerry was hidden. When they reached the knoll and looked over, behold! there the horse stood, uninjured, and quite unconcerned. At sight of Hubert he neighed joyfully; and nothing could exceed Hubert’s gladness at finding him. He mounted, wished his friends “Good-night!” and cantered off in the direction they pointed out as his nearest way, reaching home safely about four o’clock in the morning.

  British Liquor Laws

  Metropolitan Police Act of 1839

  Selections from original legislation pertaining

  to liquor and drunkenness

  Metropolitan Police Act 1839

  1839 Chapter 47

  An Act for further improving the Police in and near the Metropolis. [17th August 1839]

  WHEREAS an Act was passed in the Tenth Year of the Reign of King George the Fourth, intituled An Act for improving the Police in and near the Metropolis, for the Purpose of establishing a new and more efficient System of Police in the Room of the inadequate local Establishments of nightly Watch and nightly Police, within the Limits in the said Act specified, therein called “The Metropolitan police District:” And whereas the System of Police established under the said Act hath been found very efficient, and may be yet further improved : Be it therefore enacted by the Queen’s most Excellent Majesty, by and with the Advice and Consent of the Lords Spiritual and Temporal, and Commons, in this present Parliament assembled, and by the Authority of the same, That so much of an Act passed in the Twenty-ninth Year of the Reign of King George the Second, intituled An Act for appointing a sufficient Number of Constables for the Service of the City and Liberty of Westminster, and to compel proper Persons to take upon them the Office of Jurymen, to prevent Nuisances and other Offences within the said City and Liberty, or of any other Act, as requires or authorizes the Appointment of any Constables or High Constable at any Court Leet, shall be repealed from the passing of this Act.

  XXX. Possessing Instruments for Unlawfully Procuring and Carrying Away Wine, &c.

  And be it enacted, That every Person who shall be found within the Metropolitan Police District in or upon any Canal, Dock, Warehouse, Wharf, Quay, or Bank, or on board any Ship or Vessel, having in his or her Possession any Tube or other Instrument for the Purpose of unlawfully obtaining any Wine, Spirits, or other Liquors, or having in his or her Possession any Skin, Bladder, or other Material or Utensil for the Purpose of unlawfully secreting or carrying away any such Wine, Spirits, or other Liquors, and any Person who shall attempt unlawfully to obtain any such Wine, Spirits, or other Liquors, shall be deemed guilty of a Misdemeanor.

  XXXI. Piercing Casks, opening Packages, &c.

  And be it enacted, That every Person who shall, within the Metropolitan Police District, bore, pierce, break, cut open, or otherwise injure any Cask, Box, or Package containing Wine, Spirits, or other Liquors, on board any Ship, Boat, or Vessel, or in or upon any Warehouse, Wharf, Quay, or Bank, with Intent feloniously to steal or otherwise unlawfully obtain any Part of the Contents thereof, or who shall unlawfully drink or wilfully Spill or allow to run to waste any Part of the Contents thereof, shall be deemed guilty of a Misdemeanor.

  XXXII. Breaking Packages with Intent to spill Contents.

  And be it enacted, That every Person who shall, within the Metropolitan Police District, wilfully cause to be broken, pierced, started, cut, torn, or otherwise injured, any Cask, Chest, Bag, or other Package containing or prepared for containing any Goods while on board of any Barge, Lighter, or other Craft lying in the said River, or any Dock, Creek, Quay, Wharf, or Landing Place adjacent to the same, or in the Way to or from any Warehouse, with Intent that the Contents of such Package or any Part thereof may be spilled or dropped from such Package, shall be deemed guilty of a Misdemeanor.

  LVIII. Drunkards guilty of riotous or indecent Behaviour may be imprisoned.

  And be it enacted, That every Person who shall be found drunk in any Street or public Thoroughfare within the said District, and who while drunk shall be guilty of any riotous or indecent Behaviour, and also every Person who shall be guilty of any violent or indecent Behaviour in any Police Station House, shall be liable to a Penalty of not more than Forty Shillings for every such Offence, or may be committed, if the Magistrate before whom he shall be convicted shall think fit, instead of inflicting on him any pecuniary Penalty, to the House of Correction for any Time not more than Seven Days.

  Licensing Act of 1872

  Selections from original legislation pertaining

  to liquor and drunkenness

  Licensing Act 1872

  1872 Chapter 94

  An Act for regulating the Sale of Intoxicating Liquors. [10th August 1872]

  Whereas it is expedient to amend the law for the sale by retail of intoxicating liquors, and the regulation of public-houses and other places in which intoxicating liquors are sold, and to make further provision in respect of the grant of new licenses for the sale of intoxicating liquors, and the better prevention of drunkenness:

  Be it enacted by the Queen’s most Excellent Majesty, by and with the advice and consent of the Lords Spiritual and Temporal, and Commons, in this present Parliament assembled, and by the authority of the same, as follows:

  Illicit Sales

  Prohibition of sale of intoxicating liquors without license.

  3 No person shall sell or expose for sale by retail any intoxicating liquor without being duly licensed to sell the same, or at any place where he is not authorised by his license to sell the same. Any person selling or exposing for sale by retail any intoxicating liquor which he is not licensed to sell by retail, or selling or exposing for sale any intoxicating liquor at any place where he is not authorised by his license to sell the same, shall be subject to the following penalties ; that is to say,

  (1) For the first offence he shall be liable to a penalty not exceeding fifty pounds, or to imprisonment with or without hard labour for a term not exceeding one month:

  (2) For the second of
fence he shall be liable to a penalty not exceeding one hundred pounds, or to imprisonment with or without hard labour for a term not exceeding three months, and he may, by order of the court by which he is tried, be disqualified for any term not exceeding five years from holding any license for the sale of intoxicating liquors:

  (3) For the third and any subsequent offence he shall be liable to a penalty not exceeding one hundred pounds, or to imprisonment with or without hard labour for any term not exceeding six months, and may by order of the court by which he is tried be disqualified for any term of years or for ever from holding any license for the sale of intoxicating liquors:

  In addition to any other penalty imposed by this section any person convicted of a second or any subsequent offence under this section shall, if he be the holder of a license, forfeit such license, and in the case of a conviction for any offence under this section, the court may, if it thinks expedient so to do, declare all intoxicating liquor found in the possession of any such person as last aforesaid, and the vessels containing such liquor, to be forfeited.

  No penalty shall be incurred under this section by the heirs, executors, administrators, or assigns of any licensed person who dies before the expiration of his license, or by the trustee of any licensed person who is adjudged a bankrupt, or whose affairs are liquidated by arrangement before the expiration of his license in respect of the sale or exposure for sale of any intoxicating liquor, so that such sale or exposure for sale be made on the premises specified in such license, and take place prior to the special session then next ensuing, or (if such special session be holden within fourteen days next after the death of the said person or the appointment of a trustee in the case of his bankruptcy, or the liquidation of his affairs by arrangement) take place prior to the special session holden next after such special session as last aforesaid.