Love You To Death: A Psychological Crime Thriller

by Rita Ames

  Ben held me, not saying any more. When my tears stopped and I had calmed down he guided me into the lounge and sat me on the couch. Sitting beside me he took my hands in his.

  “Tell me” he whispered.

  Needing to tell him something, I proceeded to explain some, but not all of what had happened on that Sunday. I just could not tell him about the sex, and in the end it came out as if I was making a lot of fuss over nothing. As I got to the end I was sure he would leave me, thinking I was just some weak and emotional woman. I closed my eyes waiting for the crash of the door being slammed.

  Instead, he took me into his arms and hugged me tight.

  His voice, when he finally spoke, held a steely anger that I had not heard before.

  “He is bastard for laying all of his shit on you?” he said.

  “Yes, No! I can’t say that because I sort of agreed by not refusing to go round there. I am so confused. I don’t really know how to help him” I sobbed.

  “I’ll go and speak to him” he said under his breath.

  “No! You mustn’t do anything” I cried. “He is ill, Ben. There is something going on with him and I think it is tied up with the nightmares he has.”

  “That’s no excuse for laying such heavy baggage on someone who has done nothing but try to help him” Ben demanded.

  “I know” I agreed “I don’t believe he would have done it if he had been in his right mind. He just didn’t have anyone else to call” I was sure of it.

  Ben held my hands “You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have been stronger that anyone I know, and for a stranger, but you can’t continue to shoulder this burden alone” he said softly and leaned forward to kiss me. It was a gentle closed lipped kiss and was just what I needed. It spoke of complete understanding and forgiveness and I melted into his arms.

  If he knew what really happened, I wondered if he would want to kiss me at all.

  Our kiss deepened and we stayed like that for some time.

  We sat for a while, Ben holding me close and giving me the security that I needed. He made me promise to call him the next day on my break. He promised to pick up my call no matter what he was doing at work. It meant so much that he would do that for me. I agreed that I would call.

  “Has Carl said anything to you about the night of his accident?” he asked.

  “No, nothing, I don’t think he remembers anything” I said.

  He kissed me again and I was feeling a million times better that I had before he arrived. Hari obviously took exception to my attention being taken by Ben, deciding to try and jump onto my lap at that moment, hissing a warning at Ben. We laughed and I took my moody cat into the kitchen for some food before returning to the comfort of Ben’s lap.

  I felt that maybe I would be able to move on from what happened with Carl. I was so lucky to have found someone as wonderful as Ben. I smiled thinking that the fact that he was hot as hell had nothing to do with it. Then I thought about what had happened with Carl and I started doubting again. How could I keep up the pretence that everything was fine when my soul had been damaged.

  On that note I felt my eyes closing and although I fought the heaviness, my eyelids shut and sleep pulled me down, hopefully to include naughty dreams which included my very own hot Detective. At least in my dreams there was no shame.

  Carl

  I was officially in hell. It was so unfair I railed at God, the world, my horrifically bad luck.

  I wanted to believe that the killer in me only existed before my accident, that I was no longer that monster.

  However, I now realised that my dream about killing the gay man was actually not a dream. There had been a mention on the news about the body being found.

  It had also mentioned something about forensics and DNA. At first this had made me panic until I realised that if they had been able to link it to me then my door would have been smashed in by now and I would be in prison.

  I had the feeling that something was closing in on me. I also no longer had the calming effect of my beautiful Angel to sooth my fears. I had well and truly fucked up with her.

  I had spent the last few evenings parked outside her apartment, trying to get up the courage to go over there.

  One Wednesday I saw the Detective arrive and I was filled with jealousy and rage. I opened the car door, intending to beat the crap out of him and only just held myself back. If I got arrested for assaulting a Police Officer then they would take finger prints and possibly a DNA swab. They could link me to the killing.

  I sat there the whole evening while he was inside with my Susie. I seethed wondering what they were doing in there.

  He left at eleven and I was glad that she had not let him stay the night.

  Waiting a few more hours I then crossed the road and approached her door. All was quiet as I took the key from my pocket and quietly opened the door.

  I wandered through into the lounge, spotting two coffee mugs on the table.

  In the kitchen there was one plate in the sink and nothing else. I walked down the hall towards the bedroom.

  At the door I hesitated, unsure what to do. I slowly turned the handle, willing it not to make a noise.

  Pushing the door open I could see a shaft of moonlight from a gap in the curtains. I moved forward and could just make out Susie’s body under the covers. I knelt beside the bed, getting as close as I could so that I could see her face in the moonlight.

  She looked so peaceful in sleep. I wanted to touch her but couldn’t risk her waking and finding me there.

  After some minutes I regretfully stood and left.

  As I drove home I felt so sad. One part of me was determined that Susie would be mine and the other wanted to just leave her alone so that she could be happy.

  It was as if I were fighting an internal battle. I had no idea which of my personalities was going to win this one and that fact scared the shit out of me.

  I was reeling with the loss of control. I needed to get a hold of myself so that I didn’t act out my irrational thoughts.

  I decided the only way to do this was to find out as much as I could about what I had done in my previous life.

  I would need to visit the place in the woods with the key I had found at the storage unit.

  ********

  The wind was biting cold and I was glad that I had wrapped up well. The ground underfoot was soggy with the recent rainfall. My feet were already feeling damp.

  Moonlight sent shards of silver through the treetops and added a mystical air to the forest. I tried to enjoy the beauty of the night. Instead I was filled with dread.

  I walked a path that felt familiar to my subconscious. I seemed to know without thinking which way I should walk. I observed myself as if I was floating above my body. It was a strange experience. I knew this was part of me but still I fought it with the last vestiges of will that I retained.

  Finally, the ground became littered with debris. The remains of an old building organically entwined with the fauna around it. Stepping over a low wall I swept away the leaves that had gathered, revealing a door in the ground.

  I knew that the key in my pocket would fit the old, rusty lock. Attempting to put the key in the lock, my hands shook. I wanted to be anywhere but here right at this moment.

  The lock was stiff and it took several attempts to force the key to turn. Eventually the mechanism gave with a grating sound and I took hold of the metal ring and pulled upwards.

  The doorway opened out and I laid it back against the ground. My nostrils were engulfed by a stale, acrid smell and I coughed, covering my nose with my sleeve.

  Taking a torch from my backpack I started the decent into the dark.

  My fear spiked and I almost laughed at myself. This was after all my place, the place I came to be alone with my chosen victims. I knew that I had spent many long hours down in the dark depths and it seemed funny to me now that I had spooked myself.

  I wanted desperately for all of this to be a lie. I wanted to wake up
with my memory intact and for that memory to be one made up of lots of friends and family. I wanted to have Susie still in my life, liking me even if it was just as a friend.

  As I descended lower I became more certain that what I wanted would never be.

  At the foot of the stairs was another door. It was unlocked and I opened it and entered a large square room.

  The walls were bare concrete and there was water pooling in the corners. It smelled of damp and slime and something else that I chose not to put words to at this moment.

  Along one wall were several metal lockers. I went over to them to check the contents. There were several pairs of overalls, the kind that mechanics wear, along with work boots and wellingtons. Another locker held an abundance of tools, rope, duct tape and other things.

  The final locker was the one that made me groan out loud in anguish. It held an assortment of surgical implements, some of which reminded me of the Dentist. Images flashed through my conscious mind and I tried to block them, falling to my knees. I held my hands over my eyes, as if by doing so I would be able to make the truth disappear simply by refusing to see it.

  Taking in several gulps of air I stood up and made my way to the door on the opposite side of the room. Noticing a light switch I clicked it and the centre bulb came to life with a sputter. It surprised me and I could only assume that the old electric circuits must still be in place.

  Pulling open the door I nearly fell to my knees again with the smell that hit me. It was rotten, putrid and I had difficulty in breathing it. I held my handkerchief over my mouth and pressed forward.

  Blindly feeling around I found the light switch to this room and flicked it on.

  Before me was a large wooden bench, the wood stained dark. I did not want to think what had stained it although I knew. There were large metal rings along each side and leather straps dangling from each one. It was made for restraint.

  Tears welled in my eyes as I thought about all the things I had done here. I could hear the pleading, the screams. Damn it I was getting hard. I hated myself with a vengeance for finding such memories arousing. Each image that flashed before me became a solid face and that face then transformed into Susie’s face. I was horrified as the truth of what I had been, the monster that I was, was finally revealed to me.

  Sliding down the wall I sat there allowing each memory to re-assert itself in my mind. My childhood came back to me, the numerous animals I had tormented, the loneliness my younger self had felt, the feeling of power and control that I needed to exist.

  I still felt the need to control. My life was spiralling away from me. I had been given a taste of what life could be if it was filled with someone that cared, someone that actually gave a damn. I railed at the unfairness of everything.

  I stood on shaky legs and walked around the bench, running my hands over the wood. My new self grieved for the lives that I had taken. Deep down I knew this was the first time I had felt anything approaching a conscience over their deaths.

  I had to get out of there. I needed to see Susie and beg her forgiveness. She had to give me another chance. If Susie could find something good in me, then I could change for her. I wanted to change.

  Turning from the room I raced back outside and headed home. I needed to see Susie.

  Ben

  Something was up with Susie. I didn’t know why she was avoiding me but it must have something to do with her visit to see Carl.

  If I hadn’t been caught up at work for the next few days I would already have been over to see her.

  As it was I was feeling a little nervous that I had left it a few days before chasing her down.

  Here I was sitting outside her apartment waiting for her like some stalker. My partner Dave had gone back down to Plymouth for some extra research on our serial killer and so I was now free for a couple of days. I tried calling and texting Susie but yet again she refused to answer. I was a little bemused at this as we had a great time the last time we were together.

  Susie came round the corner at that moment and I watched her walk up the street. She had her head down and there was something wrong with her posture. She reminded me of one of the abused wives that we saw at the station. They had a kind of acceptance about them, as if they deserved the abuse they received.

  I waited until Susie had gone into the building and watched as the lights went on in her apartment. After several more minutes I headed in.

  The door didn’t open on my first knock so I knocked again, much harder.

  Eventually she pulled it open and stood back. I went in and headed to the lounge suddenly tongue tied and not knowing what to say.

  I turned, about to speak, when I saw her face. She looked miserable. “Baby, what’s wrong?” I said going towards her.

  At my words her face crumpled as tears began to fall. She held up her hands as if to stop me from touching her, hell no! Not happening. I took her into my arms and held her while she cried.

  Guiding her to the couch we sat and stayed there for a while, saying nothing. I could feel little shivering sobs wracking her body. My eyes stung and I tried not to allow my own tears to fall as I was so affected by her.

  “What is it?” I pleaded “Tell me, please baby”

  “I can’t” she sobbed “you will hate me”

  “No no baby, I could never hate you” I said and smoothed her hair back from her face, giving her a little kiss on the forehead. “It’s just not possible” I said with a smile.

  She sat back and looked at me “I didn’t tell you everything the other night.” She sighed and I noticed she was wringing her hands.

  “Tell me” I said quietly, suddenly not so sure I wanted to hear this.

  “Carl was a mess when I got there on Sunday. He has these awful dreams and I tried to comfort him. He got the wrong idea and I couldn’t bring myself to stop him” she starting crying again and I held her tight.

  My fists clenched behind her back. That bastard took advantage of her sweet nature.

  “Did he actually force you?” I asked trying to keep my voice calm.

  “Nnnot really. He did sort of ask if I wanted to but it was too late to stop.” She started to look frantic “Oh God, I should have fought harder to stop him. I feel terrible about it” she couldn’t look me in the eye.

  I hated what had happened but I could see it was causing Susie great distress. It was clear now why she had been so badly upset the last time I saw her, and also explained why she had been avoiding me.

  I held her and whispered softly in her ear. We rocked gently back and forth.

  I held her face in my hands “You have nothing to be sorry for. You are too sweet and that’s your only crime, baby” I said kissing her again, this time gently on the lips.

  She closed her eyes and I guided her back onto the couch.

  “Rest for a while. I’m going to make us a drink” I headed to the kitchen and put the kettle on.

  When I got back with the drinks she was asleep so I sat in the armchair and watched her for a while. When it got late I carried her into the bedroom and tucked her up into bed. Writing a quick note to leave beside the bed I quietly left.

  Carl

  After my harrowing visit to what I could only describe as my killing site, I sat in my apartment trying to decide what to do.

  Susie was refusing to speak to me, despite sending numerous texts. I began to get angry at her for ignoring me. I had apologised God damn it! All I wanted was a proper relationship, was that too much to fucking ask?

  I paced the floor trying to come up with a way to sort this out. Then, I had an idea. I would make her jealous. I would pick up another girl so show her that I was in demand. Yes, that would work, I was sure of it.

  I headed for the shower. I needed to look my best if I was going out on the town. I felt a lot better now that a decision had been made. There was a feeling of anticipation that boosted my mood.

  I took special care over my clothes and put on plenty of cologne. I shaved close so that m
y skin was smooth and added a little hair wax for effect. Standing back I was pleased with my reflection. I headed out to get myself a girlfriend.

  There were a few bars near to my apartment, but I decided to take a cab from the corner and head into the city centre. There were plenty of bars and clubs there to suit my purpose.

  The first bar I went into was full of people just out of work and probably having a drink before going home. I had a drink there and watched for a while before deciding to head for a club. It was later in the evening now so the clubs should be filling up.

  My blood was alive with a feeling that I couldn’t describe. I wondered if this was how I hunted my victims before the accident. I was still only remembering sketchy images. The details were taking some time to come back to me.

  It was kind of like sitting in the cinema watching a horror movie. It was scary and yet enjoyable which was an odd feeling. My conscious mind still wanted to move away from my past and forget about regaining my memory. I was afraid that if I confronted it then I would be in danger of getting caught. If however, I could continue on as I had been with my new found ‘Good Guy’ persona then maybe I could have a second chance at a normal life.

  Normal, wasn’t that what I wanted? I shook my head trying to convince myself that deep down I didn’t want to go back to my killing ways. An image of Susie’s fearful eyes came to me and I was immediately alert again. I admit it, I liked the feeling of power and I fucking loved the look of fear in her eyes. Just the thought had my dick itching for a replay.

  I joined a queue outside one of the clubs and waited my turn for entry. I was probably a little older than the average clubber but what the heck, in the dark I could blend in.

  It was dim, crowded and the air was full of stage smoke. Some kind of R & B music was playing and everyone was squashed together on the dance floor, bumping and grinding. The bar had a throng of people at least 3 thick all trying to get the bar tender’s attention for drinks.

  I was in no hurry and felt strangely calm as I waited my turn at the bar. I enjoyed the press of the female bodies as they brushed past me on their way to the ladies room or the dance floor. I watched and waited, looking for the perfect girl on whom to make my move.