Bricking It (A Wayfair Witches Cozy Mystery #2)

by A. A. Albright

  And then, in the middle of the shop, the fiddle split in two, and out popped Sprinkles, fluffy and fit.

  ‘H-he was dead!’ Betty stuttered. ‘He was fiddle strings.’

  Wanda smiled. ‘His was an unfair death. Sprinkles isn’t old at all. He has many years to live, and the universe doesn’t like to take things before their time. When a familiar is killed without a reason, I’ll make sure it lives out its seasons.’

  I slammed the book shut in shock. This was recommended reading for six-year-olds? Jeez. Talk about dark. A cat turned into fiddle strings was hardly the kind of thing I’d want my kid to read. And bringing animals back from the dead? I shuddered. That was not a power I wanted to inherit. No matter how much you missed them, the dead should stay dead.

  I went through the other books, finding more stories of Wanda and Gretel doing impossible things. And believe me, it takes an incredibly Tall Tale for a witch to think it’s impossible. Surprisingly, I knew quite a lot of the stories, not from the witch world, but from the human one. I’d spied the question about the magical mirror in Mr Albright’s cheat sheets, but there were even more Tall Tales that bore similarities to human fairy tales. It made me wonder which world had told the stories in the first place. Or if maybe there was a time when the magical and human worlds weren’t as separate as they are now?

  While I was trying to study what I needed for the test, my eyes kept straying towards the books Mr Albright told me were no longer on the school curriculum. I hardly had the time to be studying anything I didn’t have to, but I picked one up anyway. It was called Wanda and the Deadliest Enemies. This one had a recommended reading age of six to ten. Woo hoo, I really was advancing fast.

  It was filled with ten or so stories. In the first one, Wanda saved a village from a ravenous werewolf by killing it with her silver sword. The others were more of the same. She saved villages from vampires, weredogs, and evil wizards. I sighed and took a peek at the publication date. Ah. It was printed in the Year of the Worm. That was around the time when vampires and werewolves were fighting for a place on the Wyrd Court. The supernatural world had its own version of World War Two back then.

  I wrinkled my nose. Sure, it was a positive step that the book was no longer being taught to schoolkids, but the fact that it once had been made me more than a little annoyed. My namesake had been used as a propaganda tool.

  I tidied away the non-curriculum books, and stuck them on the living room shelves before returning to the kitchen to study. I pushed Mr Albright’s notebook to the side, too. No matter how unfair the Minister was being, I still couldn’t bring myself to cheat. But hey, I’m not going to pretend I’m a Little Miss Goody Two Shoes here, either. The fact that cheating made my skin crawl was only one factor in my decision making. The other? I felt sure that Minister Plimpton was capable of anything – including changing the questions that Mr Albright had set. Even if my eyes began to bleed, I was going to learn every word of every stupid book, and I was going to pass that test.

  Just when my eyes were about a minute shy of actually bleeding, I took a break, made myself a strong cup of tea, and called my mother.

  ‘Oh, hello,’ she said. ‘I thought you’d be busy studying.’

  ‘I was. I’ve been at it for hours now, so I need a break. I was just thinking about you guys, y’know. And how much fun I had in Riddler’s Cove, having lunch with you all. As well as eating that lovely apple tart rom Caulfield’s Cakes. Such a shock about Mr Caulfield, isn’t it?’

  I could practically hear her roll her eyes. ‘I hope you’re a bit more subtle than that when you’re questioning suspects, Wanda.’

  I grunted into the phone. ‘Yeah, that’s if the Minister ever lets me question suspects. Come on, tell me something. About Mr Caulfield, or Franklin’s skeleton. Anything. It’ll be all on the news soon enough, won’t it?’

  I heard her settle into the chair next to the telephone. ‘The skeleton is been dealt with by the Peacemakers.’ She ground out the words. ‘You know how smart that lot are. They’ve decided that you must have imagined it was Franklin Lovage, seeing as it’s not possible for him to have gone from a dead body to a skeleton in the time it took for you to turn around in the changing room. The current spiel is that it must have been left in Luna’s Gúnas as a practical joke. They’ve told us they’re not investigating any further.’

  ‘You can’t be serious. I know what I saw. It was Franklin. Minus the great big python around his neck, but it was Franklin. And it wasn’t there when I went into the room. It appeared while I was in there.’

  ‘You don’t need to tell me,’ she replied. ‘I believe you. Unfortunately what I believe means diddly squat these days. The Peacemakers have made up their minds, and until we find a way of proving otherwise, there’s not a lot we can do. They’ve said that the bones are too old to be anything they have to worry about. Their official line is that some kids must have been grave digging, yada yada yada. I’ve spoken to Agatha Oster – you’ll meet her the night after tomorrow. She’s the Magical History Professor at Crooked College. She says she’ll try and get her hands on one or more of the bones, so she can at least age them correctly in her lab.’

  ‘That’s something, I suppose.’ I scratched at my arm. Once again, my lack of involvement was making me itchy. ‘And what about Mr Caulfield?’

  My mother let out a weary breath. ‘I heard you and Melissa had a run in with Will Berry today, so you already know we’ve questioned the Berrys about this. Kevin was making a delivery of an extra large coffee cake to their building site when he disappeared. As you’ll have seen from Christine’s Frozen Stare, he still had the cake in his hands when he vanished. Which means that the Berrys are telling the truth when they say he never arrived. We have no grounds to question them any further.’

  ‘What do you think he was doing on Grafton Street though?’ I wondered. ‘Why didn’t he just travel straight to the Warlock Arms with the cake?’

  Another tired breath came from my mother. ‘Judging by the vision it looks like he was right beside Christine’s favourite flower stall. They were due to have their first date later that night. I think he was stopping off on the way to his delivery so he could buy her some flowers.’

  8. Wyrd News in the Afternoon

  The next evening was the first of the full moon. Max left work at lunchtime and we sat down together in front of the TV for the afternoon. ‘Put on the Wyrd News channel,’ Max suggested. ‘Maybe we’ll hear something about the skeleton in the closet.’

  ‘The skeleton in the changing room. But yeah. I’ll turn it on.’

  Strictly speaking, the only people who could watch any of the witch channels were empowered witches. For years all I could see was fuzz. But in recent years, the supernatural adapter chip had been invented, meaning all supernaturals could watch the same channels as witches. As long as they could afford an adapter chip. Max used to get his supernatural news in the Water Bowl – a popular weredog hangout. But after I received my first – and only – paycheque from Berrys’ Bottlers, I’d decided to spend the money on a chip. Sure, I could have taken the high road and thrown the cheque in the bin. But seeing as I’d had the displeasure of working as Alice Berry’s driver-slash-slave for quite a few days, I figured I’d earned the money.

  When we turned on the channel, Wyrd News in the Afternoon was just beginning. The afternoon show was presented by Gabriel Godbody (I wish I was making that name up). Gabriel did have the body of a Greek God, it was true. Unfortunately, he knew it. He wore a close fitting suit and had teeth so white they could get a second job at a lighthouse. And as for his hair … let’s just say there was a lot of product involved. I think it might have been dark brown or black, but it could have just seemed dark due to the buckets of oil he had used to slick it back.

  ‘Welcome to Wyrd News in the Afternoon with me, Gabriel Godbody.’ Gabriel grinned at the camera. ‘The very best show on the Wyrd News channel. And boy oh boy, do we have some juicy tidbits to brighten up your afte
rnoon.’

  I glanced out the window. It was pretty bright out there already.

  ‘Since the first skeleton was discovered in Luna’s Gúnas ...’ He paused and made a theatrical shudder. ‘… we have all been happy in the knowledge that it was just a practical joke. But now it seems like a practical joke that’s gone on a bit too long. Stinky cheese, you know what I’m saying?’

  He laughed uproariously. Max and I exchanged confused glances, then looked back at the TV.

  ‘Super stinky. The stinkiest,’ Gabriel went on. ‘Because today, not one, not two, but three more skeletons have turned up. And guess where?’ He lowered his voice to a whisper.

  Max grunted. ‘I thought only bad talent shows dragged things out this long.’

  ‘Well, I’m about to tell you,’ Gabriel whispered. ‘After some news from our sponsors!’

  Wyrd News in the Afternoon went to a break, wherein Max and I were subjected to a three-minute long advertisement for Glenda’s Tooth Whitening Glamours.

  ‘Come to Glenda’s Glamorous Salon,’ crooned Glenda, a witch with hair even redder and eyes even greener than Melissa’s and Christine’s. ‘So I can give you teeth just as white as Gabriel Godbody.’

  After seeing the before and after shots of about a dozen witches, the news finally returned.

  ‘I hope you enjoyed those words from our sponsors,’ said Gabriel, flashing his teeth. I don’t know whether it was magic or the reflection of light, but they glinted. ‘But now it’s time to get back to the news. I’m Gabriel Godbody, and you’re watching Wyrd News in the Afternoon – the best show on the Wyrd News Channel. Today, not one, not two, but three new skeletons have appeared in Dublin City. But they didn’t appear in one of our lovely witch enclaves. Oh no.’ He lowered his voice again. I was seriously thinking of breaking the Minister’s rules; I wanted more than anything to snap myself over to the TV studio and shake Gabriel by his ridiculously broad shoulders.

  ‘I want to punch those teeth out of his mouth,’ Max muttered. Okay, a little more violent than what I was thinking, but hey – it was full moon.

  ‘Today,’ Gabriel whispered, ‘not one, not two, but three skeletons were found. All in the … wait for it … in the human enclaves. Skeleton number one was discovered by Mary Browne, when she went to her wardrobe this morning. It was literally a skeleton in the closet. Heh heh! Skeleton number two was discovered by Brendan Jones, when he went to his sandpit to play with his toys. Yes, you heard that right – in a poor human kid’s sandpit, folks. What is the world coming to? And skeleton number three …’ Gabriel paused to make another dramatic shiver. ‘Skeleton umber three was actually seen appearing. Leticia Guernsey, a nurse from Galway, was busy tidying up a hospital room after the death of a patient when the empty bed she stood in front of was suddenly empty no longer. Before she was administered a spell to make her forget what she’d seen, Leticia was adamant that the skeleton had at first been the body of a ragged-looking woman.’ Gabriel turned to his right and another figure appeared on screen. ‘And here we have our beloved Minister for Magical Law, Justine Plimpton, to tell us more. Justine, what can you tell us about today’s creepy discoveries?’

  Justine smoothed down her mousey-brown hair and smiled at the camera. ‘Gabriel, I’m here to assure your lovely viewers that the Department of Magical Law has this all under control. The skeletons were found in human enclaves, it’s true. But as you all know here at the Wyrd News Channel, my department has a very close relationship with the Irish Gardaí. They’ve allowed us to perform memory spells on each and every person who discovered the skeletons, so none of those poor humans will remember a thing.’

  Gabriel shook his head. ‘Those poor, poor humans. I often feel sorry for them, don’t you, Minister? They get involved in our world so much more often than they’ll ever know.’

  She opened her mouth to reply, but Gabriel cut across her to ask, ‘And are you still treating this as a mere practical joke, Minister?’

  She gave a smile that was all teeth. ‘We’re still sure that it is some misguided witch’s idea of a joke, but it’s a joke that’s gone too far.’

  Gabriel arched one of his immaculately styled eyebrows. ‘A witch’s idea of a joke, you say? Ah, well then we can all rest well. If it’s a witch behind it all, then you’ll no doubt be allowing the Wayfairs to investigate.’

  The Minister’s eyes looked about to pop. ‘Well I–’

  ‘You heard it here first, folks.’ Gabriel beamed at the camera. ‘This case has finally been taken out of the hands of the bumbling Peacemakers, and been given to the incredibly capable Wayfairs. I think news like that deserves an afternoon tipple. Go on.’ He winked. ‘I won’t tell anyone.’

  Max switched off the TV and turned to me. ‘Well, I guess we got him wrong. But I still want to do something about those teeth.’

  ≈

  I was just getting ready for bed that evening when Dizzy pointed to the windowsill. There was an envelope right in the centre.

  ‘That wasn’t there before, was it?’ questioned the bat.

  My belly started to lurch. ‘No. No it most definitely was not.’

  Dizzy began to shake. ‘Don’t open it, Wanda. Please.’

  ‘I have to.’ I gave his head a little rub. ‘It’ll be okay, I swear. I mean, it’s only a letter. How bad could it be?’

  There was no stamp and it had nothing but my name on the front. Ripping it open, I saw a plain white piece of paper with neat black type.

  From the Office of Justine Plimpton (Minister for Magical Law)

  Dear Miss Wayfair,

  I am writing to inform you that the date for your Tall Tales exam has been moved forward. You will now take your test the morning after the middle night of September’s full moon. The exam will take place at the Wyrd Court, under the supervision of the Minister for Magical Law. Be there at nine o’clock precisely, or you will incur an automatic fail.

  The Minister understands that this leaves you a little less time to prepare. However, she would like me to remind you that, should you fail the test, you always have the option of repeating next year.

  Yours,

  Barry Plimpton

  Secretary to Justine Plimpton (Minister for Magical Law)

  I looked up at the bat, hanging upside down with his wings covering his eyes and his little body shivering even more than before.

  ‘What is it? Is it a death threat?’

  ‘No. Worse. My exam has been moved forward. It’s now on the morning after my initiation ceremony. First thing in the morning, in fact. You were right, Dizzy. I should not have opened that letter.’

  9. An Pháirc Eile (The Other Park)

  While the full moon for weredogs and werewolves might last three nights, there was only one of those nights that mattered to me – the middle one. It was on the true full moon when my initiation ceremony was to take place. Initiations didn’t have to take place during a full moon, but it was always preferred.

  So there I stood, watching Max scamper across the park in his dog form for the second night in a row (was it wrong that I found him so cute when he wagged his tail?) and waiting for my mother to arrive. By now, it was clear that I was most definitely not paranoid when it came to the Minister. My coven would have to keep taking me places for quite some time to come.

  ‘Are you sure you won’t come with us?’ I asked Dizzy. He was fluttering nervously between his perch on my light fixture and his plate of mangoes. ‘It’s a big night for me and I’d love it if you were there.’

  ‘Sorry Wanda,’ he said. ‘But there’s a Buffy the Vampire Slayer on tonight.’

  ‘Well, I could totally understand why that would make you want to stay in. Except that I’m pretty sure you’ve already binged the show from start to finish since you’ve been living with me.’

  ‘No.’ He shook his head. ‘I missed one. The one that’s on tonight.’

  ‘Oh yeah? And what episode is that?’

  ‘It’s em …’

  My
mother appeared suddenly. I could have sworn Dizzy let out a little breath of relief when she did.

  Mam clapped a hand to her mouth. ‘Oh Wanda!’ she gasped. ‘You look beautiful. Give me a twirl.’

  With a red face I spun awkwardly around so she could see the full outfit. The moonlight material draped along the ground and hugged my curves at just the right places. Even I thought my figure looked okay (ish) tonight. ‘I still can’t believe Maureen left all that money by at Luna’s for me,’ I said.

  My mother crossed the room and hugged me. ‘You deserved it. Without you, we never would have been able to send Alice and Basil to prison.’ She glanced at Dizzy. ‘Speaking of sending people to prison …’

  Dizzy coughed up some mango and flew close to my ear. ‘Have you told your mother about the rescheduled exam?’ he whispered.

  ‘No!’ I hissed back. ‘And you had better not tell her either. I don’t want anything ruining tonight for her.’

  ‘What’s that?’ asked my mother. ‘He has told you something, hasn’t he? Finally. Who is it, Dizzy? Who is – I mean who was – your witch?’

  I shook my head. ‘Let’s just go, Mam,’ I said. ‘We don’t want to be late, do we? You can talk to Dizzy later. Dizzy, I’ve left Max’s bedroom window open in case you need to go out and use the facilities. Oh, and Max has left his mobile behind for you too, in case you need to get in touch with me for any reason. Okay?’

  Dizzy gave me a grateful smile (What? The Lesser-Known Mango Bat is widely praised for its bright smile and glossy wings – according to Dizzy, anyway).

  I grasped my mother’s hand in mine. ‘Well, come on,’ I said impatiently. ‘Click your fingers.’

  She gave Dizzy one last curious glance, but snapped her fingers without another word.

  ≈