Chasing the CEO (The CEO Duet, #1)

by Campos, Cecilia

  Guilt. That’s what I feel. According to Cowboy, nothing good can come from that feeling. I wonder what kind of person I would have been if I didn’t feel so guilty. Would I have made the same decisions? Would I have chosen to be a trucker girl and live with my grandma? Would I have felt just as lonely as I’m feeling now?

  Thoughts. I don’t think anything good can come from those either. They keep coming. I can see the proud look in my father’s eyes, sitting in the front row in the audience, while I’m singing my song up on the stage during the farewell performance of sixth grade. The playful slap on my mom’s butt on Sunday morning in the kitchen, when he thought I didn’t see it. The happy look in my mother’s eyes. It’s not always been just misery between them. There was a time when they were happy and loved each other. Was it too much to ask for them to stay together? Was it too much to ask for them to try a bit harder? For me? Weren’t we worth it? Wasn’t I worth it?

  “Gnocchi! Come here, my love!” My pal comes rushing at me and makes himself comfortable on my bed, right next to my chest. I pull him closer and rest my head between his shoulders.

  Thoughts. About today as well. Apparently, I wasn’t worth anything to Peter either. He wasn’t interested in me at all. He wanted to get me in bed just because that fucking Barbie made him. I bet she thought that, by giving me a sexcapade, I would stay away from Cowboy. How ridiculous! And completely unnecessary as well, because I’m done with Cowboy. I had already decided I didn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. Apparently, they didn’t know this when they made their little plan. I wonder what Cowboy would think of all of this. I’ve expressed my doubts about those three girls and their intentions many times, and each time, he defended them. Would he believe me now if I told him what happened today? Oh well. He probably doesn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. I can’t blame him after that scene I caused.

  After lying awake for many hours, I come to the conclusion I’m not worth it, and I think that’s for the better anyway. I tell myself that things are just the way they’re supposed to be, pull Gnocchi even closer to me, and try to sleep.

  If my life were a highway, this is the only one I’m worthy of.

  SEBASTIAN

  I’m such an asshole. I hate myself for doing this but there’s no other way. This is the lesser of all the evils. I’m trying hard to convince myself of that. Because I knew Nina would go out looking for another sexcapade. There was nothing I could have done to prevent that, no matter how badly I wanted to. I could, however, make sure she was safe. The thought of her sleeping with a complete stranger ... Do you have any idea how many weird men there are out there? Psychopaths, sociopaths, or just regular men with aggressive tendencies, using force and violence to get what they want? Peter, ha, he was happy to oblige. What a douche. The thought of him touching my Stellina with those dirty paws of his ... But unfortunately, this was a phase in Operation Nina that was absolutely necessary to get where we need to be.

  “I think Peter is done now.” Barbara’s worried look interrupts my train of thought.

  “Done? You mean he doesn’t want to cooperate anymore?” The fact that Peter obviously has the guts to want to get out of this surprises me.

  “Yes, he was so scared. He really thought that dog of hers would eat him alive!” Barbara confirms, her eyes wide.

  Cristina picks at her nails, rolling her eyes. “What a wuss. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. His part of the plan is done, so we don’t need him anymore.” As usual, she’s more interested in her nails than in this meeting, but she’s right in her conclusion.

  “Noa, we need to make sure that he keeps his mouth shut. Did you take care of that?” My question is kind of silly, I realize. Noa is always prepared for anything. But still, I want her to confirm my feeling.

  “Of course. His promotion at Audi is complete, exactly like he wanted. The only thing he has to do is keep his mouth shut about us and our plans with Nina. He knows that if he does blabber, his promotion will go down the drain.”

  “Good. Now on to the next phase of our plan. That’s a critical one. All or nothing. What we want is for Nina to start feeling. She needs to start feeling all those things that are necessary to gain new insights. To reach a new reality and a new plan. We don’t want her to fall into a depression. So, we keep a close eye on her and act as planned.” I check the various phases on my list and then close the little black book with a snap. I look at the girls very seriously.

  “I’m worried about this night. Grands won’t be home, just like we planned. Nina needs to start feeling without her safety net. But there are also some risks involved because she has never been home alone for an entire night, and with all those nightmares of hers ...”

  Barbara doesn’t let me finish. “Now is really not the time to start doubting yourself, Sebastian. You know this is an important step in our plan. It’s just one night. Grandma will be back tomorrow. Come on, don’t be afraid.”

  “Afraid is not the right word. I just hate it when someone I care about so much is hurting because of me. While all I want to do is to keep her safe from any kind of pain. I want to protect her.” I crash into a chair and pull my glasses from my face, then squeeze the bridge of my nose to calm myself.

  Noa comes to stand behind me and squeezes my right shoulder in a reassuring way. “Come on, Sebastian. The goal is not to cause her pain now. The goal is to guarantee her future happiness.”

  I take her hand off my shoulder and grip it in mine, grateful. She’s right. I sigh again, then get up resolutely and straighten. I need to have faith in the plan and hold on. I am Sebastian Strong. There is nothing I can’t achieve. Nothing. Nada. Niente.

  Chapter 23 - Ill

  NINA

  From the hall, I hear the front door open and then my grandma’s sweet voice. “Nina, are you expecting a delivery?”

  Her question pulls me out of my dream state. A bit disoriented, I sit up in my bed and check the time on my phone. It’s already three o’clock in the afternoon! Holy crap! Was I stuck in the twilight zone? Where did the time go? I can’t remember the last time I went to work. Wow, and my breath smells awful! When was the last time I brushed my teeth, and when did I put on these clothes?

  I have no recollection of shutting the drapes and getting into bed either. What I do remember is Cowboy’s handsome face. His beautiful, piercing eyes that sparkle so hard every time he looks at me. The scent of his body, with that intriguing mix of citrus and man. Why is it I remember him? I wish I didn’t.

  “No, Grands,” I say with a sigh. Gnocchi is lying on my legs. My loyal friend never leaves my side.

  Grandma thinks I’m ill. At work, they think the same thing. Maybe that’s because it’s what I told them. I look ill and I feel ill. So that means I must be. Right?

  I don’t have a fever, so it’s not the flu. But if it’s not, then how come the only thing I want to do is sleep? I never sleep this much. That because I always have such trouble falling asleep every night. My body feels like it’s gained two hundred pounds, and my arms feel too heavy to lift. My head is too small for all the cotton pads that appear to have been crammed in there.

  Grandma appears in my room with a light brown box. She comes to sit next to me on the bed and puts the package down on her lap. It has the size of a soccer ball, but square. Then she looks at me with that look I know so well. Her wise look.

  “Do you suppose this is from Sebastian?” she asks me, waiting for my reaction.

  “What?” I straighten up to get a better look.

  “It’s addressed to Stellina Palermo. Stellina. So it’s from Sebastian?”

  “I guess,” I say, in my most disinterested tone. But I am interested. All I want to do is tear that parcel open right away to see what’s inside. But I don’t want to do that in front of her because that would mean having to tell her everything I am feeling, and I’m not ready yet. I’m not even ready to tell myself.

  “This is a man who sends you flowers, sends you presents, and
even as a nickname for you. A man who knows you better that you know yourself. Who loves you, Nina.”

  “He’s a man who is confused. Who thinks I’m someone I’m not,” I correct her.

  The words spills right out of me. It wasn’t my intention to have a difficult conversation with my grandma right now. But obviously, my mouth has a different opinion. I’m right, though—Cowboy is confused. That’s obvious. He thinks I’m someone who can love another person. Someone who can be loved and whom he can love. But for someone who claims to know all about me, it seems he doesn’t know one very important fact. And that’s that I just can’t. I can’t love him. I don’t even love myself.

  My grandma raises an eyebrow. “Is that so? And you know who you are and who you’re not?”

  Hell, she’s so annoying with her constant questions and her all-knowing looks. I know she means well, but I don’t need a psycho analysis right now. I want to be left alone.

  In a bored tone, I say, “Yes, Grandma, I know. Would you please leave me alone? I’m not feeling well, and I would like to sleep some more.”

  Suddenly, her expression gets all funny. It’s one that I’ve never seen on her face before. Is it disappointment? Sadness? Or is she angry?

  “How long are you going to keep punishing yourself for something that wasn’t your fault? Do you really think that they would have lived if you had died? That, if they hadn’t picked you up from the gym, they would still be alive? How productive is it to keep thinking that way, Nina?”

  “I’m not punishing myself, I’m protecting myself. That’s something entirely different.”

  “Are you sure that’s really all?” she asks, maintaining that disappointed look on her face.

  “The fact is that they’re dead and I’m not. If I would have taken my car to the shop in time, like they had already asked me a hundred times, I wouldn’t have had car trouble. Then they wouldn’t have had to pick me up from the gym and we would never have been hit by that stupid truck! I’m alive and kicking here, and they’re not. Even if they were here, I would still be the reason that their marriage failed so miserably! So, yes, I might as well be dead, Grandma, because what’s the meaning of it all? A bit of fun, that’s all I ask. Is that really too much to ask?”

  “No. What I’m saying is, that it’s too little to ask!”

  Wow. That startles me. Apparently, she’s run out of patience, because she’s nearly screaming at me and she’s actually saying something for once instead of asking. That’s so rare for her. And she’s not done yet either.

  She sighs hard, rises slowly, and looks at me intensely. In a quieter tone, she continues, “I’ve kept quiet for a long time, hon. I thought you would come around in time. If you’d feel better, you would pick up the thread again, and I’m not talking about the past week. I’m talking about the past two years, Nina. But I can’t watch this any longer. So, now, I’m gonna tell you what I think.”

  My lower jaw almost hits the floor like in some cartoon. She’s going to give me her opinion? I can’t believe it and I’m having trouble closing my mouth.

  “You know, better than anyone, how quickly things can be over. One day, you’re walking around, the next, you’re gone. Time is precious, Nina, and you’re throwing it away. Your youth. Your fit, young body. Your clear, intelligent mind. Why? Because you think you don’t deserve it? Then who does deserve it, Nina? Because you’re scared? Who isn’t, Nina? Don’t let it keep you from living, sweetheart. Make the most of life. Be the best possible version of yourself. Before it’s too late. Seize the day, Nina. Seize the fucking day.”

  Her passionate words make it impossible to hold back the tears that are exploding from my eyes. I didn’t even know they were lurking. I can’t keep the sorrow locked up inside any longer. It needs to get out. Grandma grabs me and hugs me tight. She runs her hands through my hair, while I let it all out. I’ve never cried this hard in my life.

  I TOOK A SHOWER. THERE you go. That’s an achievement in itself. However, my other achievements this past week are a bit less admirable. I have become an expert in transferring phone calls from Tiger, Booty Boy, my work, and Cowboy to my voicemail. Netflix is now officially my best friend. I have watched every movie, series, or documentary ever made featuring cowboys and dominant sexy business men more than once. And I have most definitely not been thinking about seizing fucking days.

  Because seizing the days is what I’ve been doing all along, haven’t I? A carefree life. The adventures along the way. The random sexcapades. Partying with my friends. That was fun, wasn’t it?

  But if it really was so much fun, how come I feel so empty? So futile?

  My diary with a white cover and Go with the flow written in elegant, gold-colored letters on the front is glaring at me from my desk. I started writing in this diary after my parents died. It helped me pour out my thoughts on paper. Reading the words back afterwards helped me to put things in perspective and understand myself better. What the heck. I start scribbling in it.

  Why do I feel so lost? It is because of that stupid Peter? Because I feel so screwed over by him and that cow, Barbie? To think I almost slept with him!

  Cowboy warned me, told me to stay away. But I just thought he was jealous because I’d danced with Peter back then. But now I know he knew Peter was bad news and Cowboy wanted to protect me. Why? Because he cares about me? Why is that so hard to believe? It’s not like he doesn’t have other options, I’m perfectly replaceable. By one, two, or three little devils. Can I trust him anyway?

  My doubts are not just Cowboy’s fault. It’s also Grandma, who’s been asking me all these difficult questions lately. And that doesn’t seem to be enough for her either. She’s even transferred from asking questions to stating she thinks I’m handling things the wrong way! And it’s not only Grandma that’s being difficult. Tiger too! Even Billy is questioning my behavior towards Cowboy.

  Then we have Tim, who doesn’t want any more sexcapades with me because he’s found himself a girlfriend. I’m happy for him, I really am. But it made me realize there might be better ways to have adventures in your life. Could it be possible that you might feel less lonely when you’re in a steady relationship? That a steady relationship can also be an adventure?

  Suddenly, I remember the box Cowboy sent me, which is still sitting there, unopened. How could I have forgotten that? I wonder what he sent me? If I were him, I wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore, after all the drama I caused.

  I take the scissors from my desk drawer and quickly open the box. What I find in there is really weird, but it makes my heart beat faster. It’s his beautiful, blue, tailored suit, including the light blue tie and white shirt. The best part is that it all smells like him. That scent that has the ability to drive me completely insane. I immediately take off my T-shirt and put on his white shirt. How desperate is that, Nina?

  I also put on the jacket. Of course, both items are way too big for me, but the fabric is thick and shiny. Firm. It reminds me of his body. The left front side of the jacket feels heavier than the rest. I finger the inside and find a card in the inner pocket. It’s one of those A5-sized greeting cards, with a little star-shaped white flower on the front.

  When I open the card, I find a message written inside. I definitely need to sit down for this.

  My Stellina,

  The thought of you spending the night with Peter or any other man makes me sick to my stomach. He doesn’t deserve you. Apparently, you needed to be with him, so I hope it helped you and that he made you feel good. Even for just a little while. I wish you could let me in. I could have made you feel that good as well. Better even, because it would be a feeling that would last forever. Because you belong with me and I belong with you. What do I have to do to make you realize that?

  You don’t want me at your side right now. I respect that. But I hope you will put on this suit. If my body isn’t allowed to feel your skin, I hope my suit will. When you’re cold, my suit can warm you, like I would. If you’
re sad, its collar can catch your tears, like I would with my hands, and comfort you. This way, I will be with you in some way after all.

  Your Cowboy.

  This man doesn’t get to me at all. That’s what I keep telling myself, at least. That I can just have a sexcapade with someone else and get on with my life. But the truth is, I’m so lonely. His scent gives me peace because it feels like home. Safe, like I have the right to be happy. Like I’m not responsible for my parents’ death. This man has become the center of my universe in the past weeks, without me even realizing it. There are still some pieces of the puzzle missing, though, and the desire to complete that puzzle is tremendous. I can’t put the idea to rest. Deep within me, he stirs up extreme emotions, from intense pleasure to the deepest sorrow. If I’m completely honest, I don’t want a sexcapade with anyone else. Because I’m already having one. One I still haven’t had enough of. But I can’t admit that. I just can’t.

  If my life were a highway, it would be a dead end.