by John Coy
When it was time to go, Eli walked me down the stairs and Sean called out, “Bye, Race Car.”
“Glad you’re here, man.” Eli opened the door.
“Thanks.” I did like him. One more thing that Rayne was right about. I pulled out my phone as I walked and thought about the car I could have had if I’d said yes to Dad.
“How did it go?” Rayne asked when she picked up.
“I think okay.”
“How about with Kate?”
“She doesn’t like me, and Brent misses Rebecca, but Sean said my name was Race Car and people thought that was funny.”
“Race Car?”
“Yeah, long story. I liked Sean and Nicole. Stephanie’s great and so is Eli. He seems super laid-back.”
“He is,” Rayne said. “He brings his guitar and works on songs and everybody likes him, but he’s the opposite of Kirsty, who works during the week. Sometimes I wish the two of them were more alike so we had better consistency among staff.”
“What are you doing now?” I kicked a stone and hoped she was free.
“Waiting for a Skype call from a friend.”
Friend? I wanted to ask, but from the way she said it, I didn’t. There was silence between us and then I boldly went ahead. “Let’s do something tonight.”
“I’ve got to work at Oakcrest at ten.”
“Oh.” I was dying to see her. “Let’s get together before then.”
“I’ll call you when I’m done on Skype.”
“How long will that be?”
“I don’t know,” she said quickly. “I’ve got to go.”
“Okay. I’ll be at the Edge.” I texted Mom that I was hanging out at the coffee shop and would be home later.
I hoped Rayne’s friend was a girl, but I had a suspicion he wasn’t.
HER FAVORITE PLACE IS WHERE?
I CHECKED THE TIME ON MY PHONE AT THE COFFEE shop. Five minutes since I last looked. I wondered how long I’d have to wait.
I called Jett. “Hey, where are you?”
“At Nora’s. Her folks are out tonight.”
“Sorry about bowling.”
“I warned you,” he said sharply.
“I didn’t know Rayne and Nora hated each other.”
“I told you that.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“Listen, I can’t talk. I’m in the middle of something.” I could hear Nora’s voice in the background as he disconnected.
I’d said I was sorry. Jett could have taken some responsibility. I texted him that, but he didn’t respond. I went up to the counter and looked at the cookies. I wasn’t hungry, but I needed something to do.
“Can I help you?” a short woman with a gold nose ring asked.
“I’ll have one of those.” I pointed to a huge white-chocolate-and-macadamia-nut cookie.
I sat down and broke the cookie in half. I wasn’t good at waiting, especially when I had no idea how long it would be. I checked my phone again. No texts, no messages, nothing to respond to.
I broke the cookie into smaller pieces. Mom had said I needed a plan for my future, and other than getting a job, I hadn’t done anything about it. It felt too big, too overwhelming to know what I was doing instead of going to college, and because of that I didn’t want to think about it.
I moved over to the stack of magazines: Marie Claire, Vanity Fair, People, The Believer, nothing I wanted to read. I sat back in the chair by the window, the one where I first saw Rayne writing in her notebook. Maybe that’s why people wrote in coffee shops. It provided something to do so you didn’t sit around looking like a total loser.
* * *
AFTER WAITING TWENTY MORE MINUTES, I left. I walked down Division Street past the children’s theater, which was advertising a performance of Mary Poppins. A couple of empty storefronts displayed costumes and props from the production so they didn’t look completely vacant. Downtown was dead, like usual.
I continued to Lincoln Avenue and turned to the river, past the pawnshop. Years ago a bridge for cars had crossed at this spot, but when it got torn down, they put up a pedestrian bridge, and cars stopped coming. The old buildings looked lonely, like they’d been forgotten. Halfway across the bridge, I stopped and guessed how deep the water was. It looked deep enough to jump, but a middle school kid had broken his neck last summer when he dove off the railway bridge upstream—paralyzed for life from one dive.
I leaned over the side and spat in the water. I desperately wanted to see Rayne. Even though I’d known her only a short time, I couldn’t get enough of her. She was bold, brave, and bigger in a way than anybody I knew. She didn’t care what other people thought and made her own choices and totally understood my decision to not go to college.
At the end of the bridge, I turned around to walk back. Rayne had also confided in me about her mom, and I’d been able to tell her how difficult Dad was. That was big since I didn’t normally talk to people that way.
The sun dropped behind a puffy cloud and a light breeze came up. I had to be cautious though, too. There were all kinds of things I didn’t know about her, and I wasn’t sure how she felt about me. Maybe she just helped out random people and it wasn’t a big deal to her. Maybe I was making too much of things.
My phone startled me. I grabbed it out of my pocket. “Hey.”
“I’m here at the Edge, Crayster. Where are you?”
“I got tired of waiting there so I’m on the Lincoln Avenue Bridge.”
“Don’t jump. I’ll rescue you.”
Rayne’s joke wasn’t funny. “I’ll walk toward the Edge and meet you.”
I didn’t know what to expect after she’d been talking to her friend. Who was he, anyway?
* * *
RAYNE SUGGESTED GOING TO HER FAVORITE PLACE, so I followed. “Stephanie texted me,” she said. “She liked how you interacted with people.”
“I didn’t do much.”
“You treated everybody with respect. That’s what counts. Some new staff get all fake and dramatic. We focus so much on mental ability that we miss all kinds of other abilities.”
I thought about that as I hurried to keep up with her. “You like walking.”
“Yeah, it gives me time to think.” Rayne cut in front of me. “Turn here.”
At the end of the short block there were no houses. I looked from side to side. “Where are we going?”
Rayne pointed straight ahead.
“That’s the cemetery.”
“Yep.” She marched along.
I squeezed my hands together. The cemetery was her favorite place? Where did different end and crazy begin?
Rayne strolled through the gates like this was the most natural place to go on a Saturday night. Shadows of gravestones fell on the grass, and my distorted shape bounced awkwardly in front of me.
I hoped she’d tell me something about her friend, but she didn’t. If I wanted to know, I’d have to ask. “So how did your Skype conversation go?”
“A mix,” Rayne said. “It’s difficult being so far away.”
“Where were you calling?”
“Italy.”
“And who were you talking with?”
“Marco.”
I paused to give her a chance to say more. She didn’t, and we moved deeper into the cemetery.
“Who’s he?”
“Marco went to the university here. He graduated and is back in Modena working as a photographer. He wants me to go there.”
I wanted to know more, but I also didn’t. Of course Rayne hadn’t been hanging out with people in high school when she’d had a boyfriend at the university. I felt pretty stupid. Marco was an Italian photographer with a university degree who wanted her to come to Europe. I’d just graduated from high school and didn’t know what I was doing. It was no contest: man versus boy.
As we walked along the cemetery path, I tried not to think about him, but that’s all I did. I wondered what he looked like, what he sounded like, and what he and Rayne did together.
It was driving me crazy and I needed to think about something else, anything else.
So I concentrated on all the dead people and how one day I’d join them. That helped in a weird way. But then I considered what I was doing in the meantime. Giving up a car, not going to college, and hanging out in a graveyard with a girl I really didn’t know who already had a boyfriend.
A MESS
WE CONTINUED WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING AND I focused on the graves: ancient ones with busted-off sides, angel-topped ones that seemed to float above the ground, elaborately detailed ones that looked like miniature castles. All of them saying the same thing—I’m dead, but please don’t forget me.
The warm breeze carried the scent of cut grass. I slapped a mosquito that had drilled into my arm and brushed another one away from my ear. They didn’t seem to be bothering Rayne though she was wearing a T-shirt, too.
Up ahead, an odd shape sat on the ground in front of a grave. “What’s that?” I stopped.
“That’s Zoran,” Rayne said. “When his owner, Mr. Driggs, died, his dog came every day and lay down next to the grave. Then one day he died on this exact spot. Friends had this sculpted, and he was buried here beside his owner.” Rayne rubbed the nose of the dog statue. “I don’t know how Zoran knew where Mr. Driggs was buried. He might have come out with someone to the cemetery. Maybe he attended the funeral. But people remember seeing him here every time they came to visit no matter what the weather was like.”
I bent down and reached out my hand. I pulled it back when I touched the black stone. I’d half expected it to be softer, more like a dog.
Rayne sat down on Mr. Driggs’s grave like she was sitting on a chair. “He must have been some man to inspire that kind of love.”
I lowered myself to the edge of the grave that faced her. I was nervous knowing there was a body beneath me, so I tried not to think about it as Rayne told me that she, Aaron, and her dad were going to her grandma’s the next day. She paused and looked like she realized I hadn’t said anything in a while. “What’s on your mind?”
Marco was on my mind, but I wasn’t ready to hear about him. “Your mom,” I said.
“I expected that.” Rayne shifted on the stone.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want.” I picked a tall piece of grass at the base of the stone.
“No, I knew you’d want to know.” Rayne exhaled. “I haven’t seen her in years. She lives in Peru.”
“What happened?”
“She was into exploring different religions.” Rayne’s voice was soft. “When I was little, she started following this guru.”
She paused and crickets chirped as I wrapped my mind around the weird rhyme of guru and Peru.
“My dad did, too, but he started having doubts when the guru asked them to give up things.”
“Like what?”
“First it was money, but later the guru wanted them to sell all their possessions and give the profits to the community.”
“Did they do that?”
“Yeah, some.” Rayne shifted her position.
“Then what happened?”
“The guru decided marriage was an institution of repression and people shouldn’t be chained to one partner.” Rayne paused like she was deciding how much to tell. “My dad doesn’t like to talk about it, but I’ve done some research on my own. The guru wanted to have sex with all the women and claimed that was the way to enlightenment. That’s when my dad dropped out. He wanted my mom to, but she wouldn’t, so they got a divorce.”
If it were anybody else, I would have doubted the story, but I believed Rayne. “How old were you?”
“Five, and Aaron was one.”
“What happened after that?”
“The guru decided to move the community to Peru to be closer to ‘a spiritual energy center.’ My mom wanted Aaron and me to join her, but Dad went to court to keep us here. He was the one taking care of us, so the judge gave him full custody and we stayed.”
“And you haven’t seen her since?”
“One time. She came back when I was nine. She didn’t act the way I remembered her. She talked like she was reciting a script about the guru and the transformative power of his infinite love. She begged me to come with her to follow the righteous path. That was so unfair, to put me in that position of choosing between her and Dad and Aaron.” Rayne sounded sad as she talked, and I imagined her as that scared little kid. “She was angry when I wouldn’t go, and after she left, I didn’t hear from her for a long time.”
“Do you hear from her now?”
“Twice a year. I get a card on my birthday with no gift and I get a color picture of the guru at the beginning of the year. That one goes unopened straight into the trash.”
“Wow.”
She looked up. “Most people freak when they hear this and want to keep their distance. I won’t be shocked if you do, too.”
“No.” It was the opposite. I was being drawn to her, to her honesty, her courage, her vulnerability. She’d been through something huge, and she trusted me with it, which made me want to know even more. She was so different and that difference pulled me in.
“My life is screwed up.” She ran her fingers through her short hair. “I’m a mess.”
She was right in front of me—this strange, beautiful, mysterious person. “You’re not a mess.”
“Yes, I am,” she said. “When your mom abandons you, it’s hard not to be.”
I sat there on the uneven gravestone and imagined being abandoned by my mom. It was impossible. What kind of mom would do that? Hearing Rayne’s story made me want to be there for her, to protect her somehow. I wanted to move next to her and put my arm around her, but that didn’t feel right, and there was still another person between us.
“And what about Marco?”
Suddenly Rayne stood up. “I’ve got to be at Oakcrest.”
“Wait.” I had a ton of questions to ask.
“We can talk about it another time.” Rayne rushed off.
I watched her go and pulled out my phone and saw we still had time. I called her but she wouldn’t answer. We could have walked together and kept talking. Maybe she was afraid she’d said too much.
I looked around and listened. Branches squeaked and leaves whispered. I stood up and stared into the dark. Something moved and it seemed like shapes were shifting. I called her again, but she didn’t answer. A mosquito bit my neck and I slapped it. Blood smeared on my palm, so I spat on it and wiped it off in the grass. I turned around and felt like I was being watched.
I ran back to the entrance. Near the gate, I tripped and fell. I banged my elbow on the pavement and it throbbed with pain. I was hesitant to look but relieved there wasn’t blood. It hurt badly as I held it against my stomach while I made sure my phone wasn’t smashed. I searched for what I’d tripped over, but nothing was obvious.
As I walked downtown holding my arm like a sling, I had no clue where to go. I didn’t want to go home, and Jett was out with Nora. There was only one person I wanted to see: Rayne. She’d said she’d understand if I wanted to keep my distance, but that was the opposite of what I wanted. I called again, but still nothing.
Ehnnnnn. A horn blared and brakes squealed. I jumped back as an SUV missed me by a few feet.
“Are you trying to get yourself killed, dumb-ass?” the driver yelled.
I stood, stunned. I’d been on my phone and hadn’t even looked. I could have been dead in an instant.
I exhaled a deep breath and made a decision. Even as I did, I knew it was bad, but I had to see her.
* * *
FIVE MINUTES AFTER TEN, I approached the driveway at Oakcrest and saw Rayne on the couch in front of the window. I should have turned around and gone home. But instead, I climbed the steps and pressed the handle of the door, and it opened. I stepped quietly inside.
Rayne jumped up. “What the hell are you doing?” she whispered.
“I need to know a couple of things.”
; “Not here, not now.”
“Just a couple of questions.” I hurried up the stairs holding my elbow and noticed all the bedroom doors were closed.
“You shouldn’t be doing this, Cray. What’s the matter with your arm?”
“Nothing.” I sat down on the couch. “I need to know about Marco.”
“You’re not supposed to be here.”
“Just a few minutes. Tell me about him.”
“Marco.” Rayne sat down and sighed. “It’s complicated.”
“What’s complicated?”
“I love him, but I’m not moving to Modena to get married. I’m only eighteen, and a mess, but I’m smart enough to know one thing: I’m not ready to be married to him or anybody else.”
I was shocked to hear the word married but relieved she wasn’t doing that. She wasn’t going to Italy either, but she’d said the word love, that she loved him. I imagined what he looked like: Italian, dark hair, four or five years older than me, probably a stud. I was jealous of someone I’d never met.
“How often do you talk to him?” I asked.
“Shh.” Rayne put her finger to her lips.
I couldn’t hear anything, but suddenly headlights shone on the window. Rayne’s mouth dropped open as she looked out. “It’s Stephanie.”
I ran to the coat closet. “I’ll hide in here.”
“Don’t be an idiot. She probably already saw you.”
I wanted to unlock the patio door and jump off the deck. Rayne could insist I hadn’t been here, that Stephanie had imagined it. Before I could do anything, though, the door opened and Stephanie flew up the stairs.
“What are you doing?” She stood in front of me with her mouth set and her eyes narrowed, completely different from the easygoing person she’d been at dinner.
I considered saying I was talking with Rayne about routines and procedures, but that was an obvious lie. “I had a couple of questions for Rayne.”
“It’s completely inappropriate for you to be here on a night you’re not working.” Stephanie stabbed her finger against my chest. “I took a chance hiring you even though Gail was concerned about your maturity. Being here proves her point.”