by John Coy
Eli took the mic and announced that he was dedicating the next song, “A Bitter Love,” to his friends at Oakcrest. Sean and Nicole whooped and hollered and other people clapped. I watched Eli—he seemed bigger and more alive onstage and was totally into it. He’d taken time off from school and found exactly what he wanted to do.
Partway through, I realized Eli was singing about “A Bit of Love,” not “A Bitter Love.” Rayne slid over to dance in front of me, and Nicole shifted to Stephanie. Rayne and I edged back and forth, getting closer, but not touching. The doubt in my mind lessened as my body pulled me to her. We locked eyes, and both of us seemed to be saying the same thing—enough of the silent treatment. We needed a bit of love ourselves.
* * *
AFTER WE’D CONGRATULATED ELI AND THE BAND ON the show, Rayne and I walked down to the pedestrian bridge over the river.
“Every year it amazes me how far north the sun is at the solstice.” She stopped and pointed. “See how it’s directly above the river?”
I couldn’t believe she was talking about the sun. “What the hell’s going on with you?”
“Sorry.” She rubbed her forehead. “I shouldn’t have compared you with Marco. That was unfair.”
“Yeah, and what about the ‘traveling companion’ thing?” We crossed the bridge and turned to walk along the path on the other side.
“I’m sorry about that, too. That came out wrong.” Rayne slowed to let me catch up. “What about you? Ghosting me for three days?”
“I was mad. I didn’t know what else to do.”
“Yeah, I was, too, and said some mean things, so I apologized. How about you?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry for not talking to you.”
“Okay. That’s done.”
Even though things still gnawed at me, I wanted to let them go. When we got to the railroad bridge, we decided to cross. Trains hardly used it and Rayne wanted to be in the middle to watch the setting sun.
“Marco’s been Skyping me every day,” she said. “He’s having a hard time accepting that it’s over. He’s used to persuading people, especially women, to do what he wants, and he can’t quite believe that I’m not going to.”
I watched ducks flapping about in the water. I still was amazed that it was really over between them.
“But enough about him,” Rayne said. “How about you? What’s happening with your dad?”
I told her that he’d backed off since I’d started paying rent and we’d been avoiding talking about college. “I think he and Mom still expect me to cave and accept their terms for next year.”
“Look.” Rayne stopped on the tracks and we watched the sun drop into the river. “There’s only a few days each summer when it does this and I wanted you to see.”
The sun looked so much like a burning ball that I half expected it to steam. I had a sudden wish for a train to cross the bridge so Rayne and I would have to grab each other and press against the side, but when I peered down the track, nothing was coming.
I turned to look at her, and as I did, she grabbed me and pulled me toward her. Our lips met and she kissed me hard and I responded. Our tongues touched and I tasted her minty mouth. Her body pressed against mine and I pulled her closer as I ran my hand through her short hair. She slid her hand down and rubbed me through my jeans. I just about lost it but kept my mouth glued to hers as I turned to give her more room. She squeezed me and I gasped. I moved my hand underneath her T-shirt and fumbled with the hook of her bra trying to get it open.
Suddenly, she stepped back and straightened her shirt. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“What?” I was dying for more.
“Sorry. It’s too soon. I’m still reacting to Marco. I need to break up with him properly. I need to separate from him and have some time.” She turned and started down the tracks.
“Don’t go!” I couldn’t believe that something I’d anticipated for so long could end so quickly.
“I made a mistake.”
“It wasn’t a mistake, Rayne!” I touched my lips, which had just been on hers. Had I kissed her wrong? Was she turned off by me? Did I move too suddenly when I went for her bra and couldn’t get it unhooked?
No! No! No! This wasn’t the right ending.
BREAKING UP PROPERLY
THAT KISS AND OUR DESPERATE GRABBING TOLD ME that Rayne and I wanted the same thing. But when I showed up at the fountain the next day with lunch from Subway, she insisted she needed to slow down and “end things properly” with Marco.
“He’s been so important to me,” she said. “I owe it to him and to myself to do this right.”
I held out her salad with extra olives and jalapeno peppers. I’d never known anybody to be so concerned about breaking up properly.
“Marco helped me become more independent.” Rayne opened the lid.
“What do you mean? You’re incredibly independent.” I took a bite of my tuna sandwich.
Rayne shook her head. “Without my mom, I’d been extra dependent on my dad. With Marco, I became more independent from him.”
I caught a piece of falling tomato and popped it in my mouth. I’d never thought of her needing to be independent from her dad. She had so much figured out.
“Relationships can be so hard,” Rayne said. “At best, they’re a sticky mess.”
I turned to her. “Do you mean what I think you do?”
She nodded and we both laughed.
“I need a good ending with Marco.” Rayne took a drink from her water bottle. “A good ending is the first step in a good beginning.”
I wanted to reach out and grab her but I knew she wasn’t ready. So I ate my sandwich as she went on about Marco. I tried to listen, not because I was some kind of great guy, but because I so badly wanted that ending to be our beginning.
* * *
ONE NIGHT AT THE END OF JUNE, I was reading staff notes on the laptop when Nicole came into the room clutching her finger and gritting her teeth.
“What’s the matter?” I asked.
“I cut my finger.”
“How?” Blood was the last thing I wanted to deal with.
“Opening my new poster.”
“Opening it with what?”
“A kitchen knife.”
“Why did you use that?” The word knife and the thought of blood were enough to make me feel faint.
“The plastic was tight,” Nicole said irritably.
I knew I shouldn’t be getting angry and instead should be checking her finger, but I worried if I looked closely I’d fall to the floor. I was feeling woozy already, but I was supposed to be in charge, and nobody in the house knew I had a problem with blood.
“Let’s go down to the bathroom and clean it out.”
“It hurts,” she complained.
“It’s going to be okay. Wash it good with soap and water.” I sorted through the medicine cabinet, checking for sterilized pads, disinfectant, and Band-Aids. I glanced over at the sink and saw a thin trail of bloody water snaking down. I turned back to the medicine cabinet and started counting Band-Aids. I couldn’t let Nicole see how bad I was around blood. Five, six, seven.
I tore open a sterilized pad and wrapped it around her finger to dry it without looking. I needed to check to see if she needed stitches, but I wasn’t sure I could do that. I applied the disinfectant, and from the feel of the cut, it didn’t seem too bad. I took a quick look and saw that it wasn’t deep. I opened up a Band-Aid and wound it around her finger.
“Thanks,” Nicole said.
“You’re welcome.” I picked up the wrappers and threw them in the trash.
“You’re a good nurse, Race Car.” Nicole touched her finger gently.
“Sorry I got mad.” I put the unused stuff back in the medicine cabinet.
“That’s okay.”
“Where are you putting another poster anyway?”
“On the ceiling. Eli’s going to help me so when I’m in bed, I’ll look up and see Justin.”
“You
’re the biggest Belieber.”
“I am.” She turned to go back to her room. “Thanks, Race Car.”
“You’re welcome. Sleep well.”
I sat down on the couch and thought about the amazing job I’d fallen into. While I was worried about Nicole seeing my reaction to blood, she was reassuring me that I’d done a good job.
Oakcrest was incredible. The people I was supposed to help were helping me. And they didn’t care one bit whether I was going to college or becoming a doctor.
* * *
THAT WEEK I WORKED MY NIGHTS AND PICKED UP A couple of extra evening shifts for people on vacation. Rayne and I got together once for lunch, once for dinner, and once to walk around downtown before she had to be at Oakcrest. She kept talking about making progress with Marco, and nothing she said indicated any change in her decision to break up. I definitely wanted it to go faster, but I liked the destination.
On July Fourth, Sean, Nicole, and I went downtown to the courthouse square for an afternoon concert. Brent and Kate were with their families for the long weekend and I was working for Kirsty. We were excited because Rayne had the day off from her art department job and was meeting us.
As we approached the square, I saw Jett and Nora leaving Sam’s Pizza. Jett looked over and I raised my arm hesitantly. I hadn’t spoken to him since we’d had the argument about Rayne.
He grabbed Nora and came over. I introduced Sean and Nicole as people I worked with.
“Are you here by yourself?” Nora asked.
“No, I’m here with Sean and Nicole.” I knew she meant Rayne but I was irritated by how she acted like they were invisible.
“Why do birds fly south?” Sean turned to Jett.
“I don’t know.”
“Because it’s too far to walk.” Sean broke into his deep laugh and Jett smiled. Nora pretended to be interested in Sean and Nicole after what I’d said, but I could tell she was faking.
“We’ve got to go. We’re meeting Rayne.” I smiled at Nora.
We searched around and picked a shady spot. Sean scurried out to dance even though the music was a brass band playing old-timey songs. Nicole counted her change slowly to make sure she had enough and went off to get ice cream.
A few minutes later Rayne showed up in a tight red, white, and blue T-shirt. “Happy Independence Day.”
“Nice shirt.” I continued studying it.
“Thanks.”
Nicole came back with her ice-cream sandwich and gave Rayne a hug. The band stopped playing and an old veteran spoke about the importance of protecting our independence. I remembered what Rayne had said about Marco helping her become more independent from her dad. That’s what she was doing for me, helping me become more independent from my dad.
Sitting there listening to the veteran talk about bravery, courage, and freedom, I knew I had to do more. To be free, I needed to be braver and more courageous. I had to push myself to be more independent. I couldn’t follow Rayne to Scotland. I had to take a risk myself.
I was saving a little money from my job and had some more in the bank. I still had my passport from our spring break trip to Mexico.
With Rayne leaving, I needed to go someplace in September, too. I closed my eyes and decided where.
THE DISAPPEARANCE
AFTER THE SPEECHES, the band resumed playing and Nicole went out to dance with Sean. I slid closer to Rayne. “When’s your flight to Scotland again?”
“The last day of August. I fly Delta overnight to Amsterdam and then KLM to Glasgow. I’m getting so excited.”
I picked up a leaf. “I’m going to travel this fall, too.”
Rayne held up her hand like she was stopping traffic. “Cray, we talked about this and I made it clear. I need to go on my own.”
“Go. Nobody’s stopping you. I’m going on my own, too.”
“Where?” she asked.
“Spain.” I tried to say it like I’d decided longer ago than ten minutes.
“Spain? Why Spain?”
“It’s the obvious choice. I’ve taken Spanish for seven years, and Señor Martinez says the best way to improve is to be in a country where you speak it all the time. We talked about Spain a lot in class, and there are all kinds of places that I want to see. Besides, I need to get out of here if you won’t be around. I need to do this for myself, too.”
“Are you really going?” Rayne looked doubtful.
“Yeah.” I tried to sound confident.
“You don’t know anybody there, do you?”
“No, but I’ll meet people. I’ll figure it out.”
She stared at me with her brown eyes and I hoped she was seeing me in a new way. I forgot about everything else and wanted to grab her and kiss her all over.
Rayne broke her gaze and leaned forward. “Where’s Nicole?”
“Out dancing.”
“I don’t see her.” Rayne stood up and I did, too. I couldn’t see Nicole anywhere as we rushed over to Sean.
“Where’s Nicole?” we said together.
“She was dancing with some guy.” Sean wiped his forehead.
“Where is he?” I asked.
Sean looked around. “He’s gone.”
“Stay right here.” Rayne pointed to a spot. “Cray and I will find her.”
A stab of panic shot through me. I was in charge and I’d lost Nicole.
Rayne pulled out her phone, found Nicole’s number, and called, but I could hear from the ringing that there was no answer.
“Nicole, it’s Rayne. Call me right away!” she shouted at the voice mail.
“What should we do?” I asked.
“We’ve got to find her.”
I scanned the crowd. No Nicole. “Should we call Stephanie?”
“No. You go that way and we’ll meet back here in five minutes.”
I hurried through the crowd, getting more and more desperate. If we didn’t find her quickly, we’d be in serious trouble. I should have been paying attention instead of trying to impress Rayne.
When we met back, Rayne was questioning Sean.
“We should tell the police.” Sean pointed to a cop.
“Not yet,” Rayne said.
“Sean, what did the guy she was dancing with look like?” I asked.
“He was short and bald and wore a red headband and maybe a red shirt or maybe it was brown or orange.”
I checked everybody who was wearing red, brown, or orange and the person next to them.
“You’ve got to call Stephanie,” Rayne announced.
I got out my phone. “What should I say?”
“Tell her where you are and that you lost Nicole.”
I called Stephanie’s number but hoped she wouldn’t answer. That wouldn’t solve anything, but I dreaded telling her.
“Hello,” she said.
“It’s me, Cray, and I’m in the park across from the courthouse with Sean and Rayne and … we can’t … locate Nicole.”
“What? You’ve lost Nicole?”
“Yeah.”
“Tell the police. Give them a description. I’ll call some staff to come search. She’s a vulnerable adult and we’ve got to find her.”
I hung up and felt terrible. The words vulnerable adult made Nicole sound helpless in the face of all kinds of danger.
“There’s the police,” Sean said.
So I gave a description of Nicole to a cop who wrote down my name and phone number. Rayne let me do all the talking, which pissed me off. She could have added something.
When Stephanie showed up, she said she’d notified Gail, which made me feel even worse. Stephanie directed me to check any stores downtown that were open. She sent Rayne and Sean over to the university and Eli, who’d rushed over from band practice, to the river. As soon as I heard that, I hoped he wouldn’t find her in the water.
I went from one store to another, but all of them were closed for the holiday. I ran all the way down to the Edge, which was open, but Nicole wasn’t inside. My search felt pointless. Wit
h every locked door, I got more scared. Something terrible could be happening to Nicole, and it was my fault.
I was in charge and I’d failed to protect her. I remembered Stephanie’s words: One more mistake and you’ll be fired. I’d get fired for sure, and I deserved to, no matter how much I liked the job.
After half an hour of feeling desperate, the only other place I could think to check was Subway. I ran all the way across the bridge. At a booth in back, a short, bald guy wearing a red-and-brown shirt and red headband slurped a drink. Scenarios raced through my mind. He’d raped Nicole and killed her and then disposed of the body. But he didn’t have any blood on his clothes. Perhaps he’d changed them. But it wouldn’t make any sense to change into identical clothes. I wasn’t even thinking straight as I debated whether to call Stephanie or the cops or confront the guy.
I walked over to him. “Were you at the concert?”
“Yeah.” He looked scared, like I’d caught him.
“Did you go by yourself?”
“Yeah, so what?”
“I’m looking for someone.” I sat down.
Just then the bathroom door opened and out walked Nicole. “Hey, Race Car,” she said casually, like I’d arrived at Oakcrest. “This is my friend Michael. I know him from church, and he works here, so we can drink all the Diet Coke we want.”
I looked her over. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“We’ve been searching for you.”
“We just came down for Diet Coke. It’s hot.”
“Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
“It’s dead. I forgot to charge it.”
I called Stephanie and Eli with the good news. I didn’t call Rayne, though. I figured the others would tell her.
* * *
WHEN THE THREE OF US GOT BACK TO THE PARK, Stephanie hugged Nicole and told her never to walk off like that again. With everybody surrounding her, Nicole looked pleased to be receiving so much attention. Sean told jokes to Michael and for once Nicole didn’t try to stop him.
Eli came up to me. “Glad you found her. It’s happened to all of us.”