Hannah

by Betty Neels

  Their departure had been something of an event, with Sister and the housemen to see them off and a chorus of good wishes to send them on their way. Mijnheer van Eysink drove slowly as though he were afraid that any speed above forty miles an hour would harm his very small son, and as they neared the villa he said over his shoulder, ‘I’ve told everyone to stay away for a few more days, Hannah. He mustn’t be upset in any way. He still looks very small…’

  ‘He is very small,’ observed Hannah matter-of-factly, ‘but I promise you now he’s got over this, he’ll make strides—it’s just a question of putting on weight, and he’s gaining every day now, and remember he’s older and that much stronger.’

  ‘Valentijn said that, too. We’re sorry you can’t stay, Hannah. Perhaps you would like to come and spend a week with us in the spring? It’s very pretty then.’

  ‘I should like that very much, although I expect I’ll have to fit in my holidays when and where I can.’ Or no holidays at all, she added silently, because while she was on holiday she would earn nothing.

  It was nice to see Mevrouw van Eysink looking quite fit again and Henrika as large and placid as usual, ready and waiting for them in the nursery. Hannah unpacked, tucked little Paul into his pram and strolled round the garden with Henrika and Mevrouw van Eysink until a sudden darkening of the skies sent them indoors. Little Paul had been fed and settled for his nap and the three of them had had lunch when Mevrouw van Eysink said suddenly: ‘Hannah, you shall be free—now, this minute. Here are the two of us to mind little Paul and you have had almost no time to yourself for days. You are to go and enjoy yourself for the rest of the afternoon. Is that not a good idea?’

  She looked around her in triumph and Henrika echoed her at once. ‘There is nothing to do, Hannah, and it is true you have had not enough fresh air. It is good weather again and you can walk…’

  ‘Or ride?’ asked Mevrouw van Eysink.

  ‘Well, I’d love a walk; I’ve always wanted to find out where all those bridle paths went to—you know, the woods beyond the first village.’

  ‘Oh, they are delightful. You can walk for miles…’

  ‘Yes, but will I know where I am?’

  ‘Of course,’ Henrika laughed. ‘There are signposts with the names written on them.’

  And so there were, Hannah discovered an hour or so later, only unfortunately they meant nothing to her. She had neglected to look at a map before she started out so that now, confronted with a signpost pointing to four different places, she had no idea which to take. She was quite lost. Trees stretched in all directions, intersected by bridle paths and narrow footpaths. If only the sun would come out! It was five o’clock by now and she wanted her tea, she was tired and hot and thirsty and just a little frightened. Common sense told her that if she kept to one path sooner or later it would arrive somewhere, only what to do when the path forked?

  She walked on, trying not to notice that the sky was darkening again and that a thin wispy mist was rising among the trees, and presently she came to a small clearing with six paths radiating from it. And now she was scared. A process of elimination, she told herself in too loud a voice, and chanted ‘Eeny, meeny, miny, mo’ until only one path was left. It was a pity that it was the one nearest and the narrowest and darkest of them all.

  She had gone perhaps fifty yards along it when she heard her name, Valentijn, hearteningly enormous and solid, was standing in the clearing. Hannah didn’t stop to think but raced back, to fling herself into his arms. They closed round her in a gentle grip and held her tight, and she buried her face in his shoulder and wailed. ‘Valentijn, oh, Valentijn, I was thinking about you and now you’re here!’ She lifted grey eyes filled with tears to his face and smiled shakily, her feelings so plain that they might have been written in her face.

  He didn’t speak, only held her close and kissed the top of her head, and when she would have drawn back, he tightened his hold.

  ‘My poor dear, you’ve been scared out of your wits, haven’t you? I’ll take you back at once, they’re all a bit anxious, but fortunately Henrika remembered that you wanted to explore the woods.’

  He held her away from him and looked down into her face. She had never seen him look like that before, tender and kind and more than that; looking at her as though he had discovered something precious. Perhaps if she hadn’t seen that look she wouldn’t have said what she said now. The words tumbled out and she was unable to stop them, although she knew that she would come to regret them bitterly later.

  She stared back into his blue eyes and blurted out: ‘Valentijn, there’s something… I’ve been wanting to say it and now I can’t stop myself, only you’re not to take any notice because you’re going to marry Nerissa. I love you—I think I fell in love with you weeks ago, only I didn’t know, not at first. And I’m telling you now because it wouldn’t be fair to you not to tell you, would it? You might think that I don’t like you at all, and that would be dishonest of me, wouldn’t it?’ She smiled a little shakily. ‘I feel better now I’ve told you.’

  ‘Hannah—little Hannah…!’

  His voice was kind and concerned, but she didn’t look at him now. She interrupted him quickly, ‘Oh, it’s quite all right. I hope you and Nerissa are going to be very happy.’

  He didn’t speak for a moment, then: ‘Dear Hannah—we must talk, there are things I have to say, but not now. I’m going to take you back to the villa, and later we’ll go somewhere quiet and talk.’

  ‘It’s quiet here…’

  Valentijn sighed and she felt the warmth of her feelings chill with it. ‘Hannah, I have to go out this evening—I’m already late…’

  The chill turned to ice, and to cover her confusion and misery she said brightly: ‘Oh, how thoughtless of me—let’s go at once. I’m keeping you dawdling around…’ The regrets she had stifled only a few minutes ago were choking her. Whoever had said that silence was golden had been right; if only she could unsay all the things she had said! Still brightly she asked: ‘Whatever would have happened if I’d kept straight on?’

  ‘You would have ended up on an airfield rather a long way from the villa. Hannah, I must talk to you, but there’s no time—later this evening I’m driving to Brussels, you know that, and I don’t think I can get away for at least three days—we’ll talk then.’

  He seemed to have overlooked the fact that she was leaving the day after the next, but it didn’t matter, in fact it was a good thing. She murmured something and repeated: ‘Shall we go? Am I very far from a road?’

  Valentijn didn’t seem to mind changing the subject. ‘No, about ten minutes’ walk—down this bridle path.’ He threw an arm round her shoulders and they walked side by side down it until Hannah saw the road and the Bristol parked under the trees. A relief, for the lighthearted chat she had been struggling to maintain as they walked along hadn’t been very successful, and Valentijn hadn’t helped at all, giving brief answers in an absentminded way. He would be feeling embarrassed, she decided, just as she did, fool that she was, putting him in an intolerable situation and covering herself in shame. She became silent and Valentijn, seeing her unhappy face, began to talk at last, easily and with no sign of awkwardness, and he went on talking as they drove back, giving her an account of an interesting case he had seen that morning, giving her time to pull herself together.

  At the villa he went in with her, explained to an anxious Corinna what had happened and as Hannah made for the stairs, called a casual goodbye. She called back over her shoulder without stopping and Valentijn stood watching her until she had disappeared, his eyes very bright, his mouth set in a grim line. And he in turn was watched by Corinna, who instantly begged him to stay for dinner. ‘You can drive down to Brussels from here and pick up your things as you go,’ she pointed out.

  ‘There’s nothing I should like better,’ he told her, ‘but I can’t, my dear. I’ll be gone for three days. Try and keep Hannah here until I get back, I want to talk to her.’

  He lef
t at once, driving very fast back to Utrecht. He was already late for the date he had with Nerissa.

  Hannah didn’t go downstairs again for quite some time. In the nursery she declared stoutly that she would see to little Paul, while Henrika had half an hour to herself. ‘And I’ll do the early morning feed,’ she offered. ‘I’m sure to wake early and it’ll give you a chance to lie in.’ So it was an hour or more before she rejoined Mevrouw van Eysink. Mijnheer van Eysink wasn’t home yet and the two of them sat companionably chatting while they waited for Henrika to join them.

  ‘You had a nice walk, even though you got lost?’ Mevrouw van Eysink wanted to know.

  ‘Oh, yes! It was lovely in the woods—I was a fool not to have looked at a map first.’

  ‘You were glad to see Uncle Valentijn, I expect?’ Corinna glanced sideways at Hannah, who wasn’t looking. But she did go pink and her companion looked pleased.

  ‘Yes, I was—I—I was getting a bit scared. I feel rather awful because I didn’t thank him—perhaps you would tell him how grateful I was when you see him again?’

  ‘Of course I will.’ Mevrouw van Eysink sounded remarkably cheerful, one had the impression that she was going to burst into song at any moment. ‘He’s gone, as you know, to Brussels. He would not stay for dinner because he had an appointment first.’ She gave Hannah a sudden gleeful smile. ‘You know, Hannah, I believe he is not going to marry that Nerissa after all. I asked him a few days ago when he and Nerissa were going to fix the wedding day and he laughed and said: “Fix the day? au contraire, my dear niece”.’

  Hannah had gone from pink to white and then pink again. ‘Oh, did he say that?’ Her smile widened and her eyes sparkled. ‘Then that’s why…’ She remembered all the things which had puzzled her and now were a puzzle no longer. On the other hand, Valentijn had been silent when she had blurted out that she loved him. Perhaps he didn’t want to marry anyone, perhaps he had used her as a kind of stopgap while he got over Nerissa. Hannah frowned. It seemed strange to her that even though Nerissa was a girl she detested, any man, and that included Valentijn, wouldn’t be proud to show her off as his wife; she was beautiful and always well-groomed and she had a lovely smile, even though, thought Hannah waspishly, it was an entirely false one. And after all, what had she herself to be happy about; Valentijn had taken her out once or twice, taken her to his home, even kissed her, but he could have done any of these things to any girl and meant nothing by them. She needed to know more and she was about to embark on a few careful questions when Henrika and Mijnheer van Eysink appeared simultaneously and the chance had gone.

  She slept very little that night, vacillating between hope that Valentijn might love her just a little and despair that she wasn’t going to see him again, anyway, so she would never know. She decided, just before she slept at last, that the quicker she went home the better. Mevrouw van Eysink had been most insistent that she should stay another two or three days. Her ticket could be changed, she had said urgently, and the rest would do Hannah good. But Hannah had said firmly that she must get back home and she would prefer to catch the early morning flight as had been arranged for her. She woke to little Paul’s grumpy little mutterings and got up to see to him. Her last day, she thought sorrowfully, and could have wept. She would remember it always, she told little Paul as she tucked him cosily back into his cot.

  Several hours later she knew that to be true, but not for any happy reason. They had had lunch and Hannah, egged on by her companions, was on the point of going for a last walk. She had refused the loan of the mare; the sky looked threatening and if it rained she would be able to take shelter more easily on her own, so she got into her raincoat and prepared to go out. She was actually going out of the front door when Nerissa drove up in her smart sports car and before Hannah could avoid meeting her, had got out of the car and come to meet her.

  ‘Oh, I’m so glad to find you in!’ she exclaimed prettily, and tucked an arm into Hannah’s. ‘I wanted to see you…I know you’ll be pleased…’

  ‘Why?’ asked Hannah, very much disliking the arm.

  She was being drawn round the side of the villa towards the swimming pool, and no one was sitting on that side of the house, so her chances of rescue were slim. She managed to come to a halt half way down the path, though. ‘I’m going for a walk,’ she explained. ‘I don’t suppose it’s very important, is it?’

  Nerissa looked roguish. ‘Oh, it is to me,’ she said with sickening archness, ‘and anyway, you must have guessed, Hannah—we quarrelled, Valentijn and I—oh, a silly—what do you say in English—lovers’ tiff, so I went away for a few days and when he came back, he was…’ She broke off with a tinkle of laughter. ‘Well, you understand, and so unhappy…’ She touched a gold chain with a heart-shaped pendant hanging from it. ‘He gave me this, isn’t it charming? And so we’ve fixed the wedding day—and all because of you, Hannah.’

  ‘Why?’ asked Hannah for the second time. Her mouth had gone dry and there was a lump of ice somewhere inside her, but somehow she contrived to appear casual.

  ‘He said that taking you out made him realise how much he missed me—such a compliment to me, don’t you think? And last evening…’

  Hannah gave herself away completely. ‘Oh, is that why he said he had to go…?’

  Nerissa’s blue eyes narrowed, but she said quickly, ‘Yes, yes, of course, we had a date. Didn’t he tell you? Although there was no reason why he should, was there? He had to drive like a demon.’

  Hannah said in a puzzled voice: ‘Yes, but he was going to Brussels.’

  ‘Well, of course, but we spent the evening together at my flat before he left—it’s not a long drive.’ Nerissa turned and looked at Hannah, and Hannah saw the spite and triumph in the beautiful eyes. ‘You’re leaving early in the morning, aren’t you? Such a pity that you won’t see Valentijn again—but perhaps it’s just as well.’ She gave her little tinkle of laughter again and Hannah went red. So he had told Nerissa. Probably they had laughed about it, although to give Valentijn his due, his laughter would have been kind. She mumbled something and said over-brightly: ‘Well, I must go for my walk. I do hope you have a lovely wedding and that you’ll both be very happy.’ She didn’t offer to shake hands. With a smile which almost killed her she uttered a cheerful ‘Goodbye,’ and made off.

  As she marched along the lanes in the direction of the village her cheeks burned like fire. No wonder Valentijn hadn’t answered her! She shuddered at the memory, still vivid, of the things she had said. Thank heaven she would never see him again; it might break her heart, but it would save her pride. He had used her as a stopgap until Nerissa returned, to be welcomed with heart-shaped lockets and love. She sniffed forlornly, longing to be back in England where she could forget the whole business. She went through the village, past the little café where she had met Valentijn, and followed the path they had taken together.

  It was raining by now, a steady Dutch downpour from skies which had become leaden, weather which suited her mood. Her raincoat, not proof against such an onslaught, was soaking; she could feel water trickling down under its collar and a chilly damp where the rain had soaked through its shoulders. Her feet were wet too, and as for her hair, it had been washed and blown out of its tidy bun on top of her head, and hung in untidy sopping streamers. But the rain didn’t matter. She was remembering their ride together along the very path, and presently when she reached a convenient tree stump, she sat down on it. It was lonely there and the afternoon was unnaturally dark because of the weather, but at least she could have a good howl in peace, and there was no need to wipe away her tears; her face was already wet with rain.

  When Valentijn said very quietly behind her: ‘Hannah?’ she nearly fell off the stump with fright, but she didn’t turn round, only said gruffly and with a shocking lack of manners: ‘What?’

  She heard his little laugh and turned her head to look at him. After all, she could have imagined his voice, for her head was full of him.

&nb
sp; ‘Hannah, darling Hannah, I thought you might be here, because this is where we came riding together.’

  She took no notice of that, focusing her eyes beyond him so that she didn’t have to look at his face she asked: ‘Why are you here? You were to go to Brussels—you went—Nerissa said so, she said…she said that you wouldn’t be back before I went home.’

  He came slowly towards her, his hands thrust into the pockets of his burberry. ‘Nerissa said a great many things,’ he observed. ‘If I had known…’ He sighed. ‘I should have found time to talk to you, my dearest heart, but little Paul was ill and you were like a mouse down a hole every time I looked for you. And I couldn’t tell you yesterday because I hadn’t seen Nerissa then and I had to finish with her before I asked you to marry me.’

  ‘Marry me?’ Hannah got up from her stump and stood facing him.

  ‘Yes, you, my darling. You see, I thought that if I married Nerissa she might cure my loneliness. I didn’t love her, but she was good company and always there—and then I met you and I knew then that if I married her I’d be lonelier than ever and that it was you I wanted for my wife.’

  They were close to each other now, although Hannah didn’t look at him but examined his handmade brogues as though her very life depended upon it.

  ‘When you came to my house I wanted you to stay there for always. You’re so right, so exactly right; I could see you so clearly in my mind’s eye sitting in that little armchair, knitting or whatever, with the light shining on your pretty hair and the children doing their lessons round the table and a baby in its high chair.’

  Hannah looked up then. ‘That’s funny,’ she told him. ‘That’s exactly what I dreamed of too—only I thought it could never happen.’

  He pulled her gently close. ‘Oh, yes it could, and it will, just as quickly as possible.’ He kissed her wet face gently and then with a force which took her breath. ‘My dearest darling. I’m so in love with you—I couldn’t let you go, I had to come back and talk to you. I asked Corinna to persuade you to stay until my return, but she telephoned me and I came at once. I guessed then that Nerissa had been to see you…’