Yes. Take me.
Pressing my hands to his chest, I pause for air, for clarity. I can’t think with his lips on me like that, with his hands pulling, his mouth demanding.
“I can’t.”
He sighs. “Stop overthinking it and do what you want to do.”
“It’s not that easy.”
My game plan slips, and suddenly I want to tell him everything. I want to tell him that there’s more to this than he could ever understand, that he needs to walk away — no, he needs to run.
But before I can process the thought, a bright, assaulting flash strikes us both like a bolt of lightning.
Kip grabs me protectively, his arms surrounding me, both of our hearts ticking up a notch.
“You two are so cute together.”
The voice is distant, unfamiliar, and with the bright flash still blinding me, I can’t make out who it belongs to. Slowly, the fire behind their silhouette brings their frame into view, and I swallow hard.
“New boyfriend again, Skyler? Will he be with you in Vegas?”
“Shit,” I murmur, my hand blindly reaching for Kip’s. I yank it hard, steering him toward Greek Row. As soon as we catch our bearings, I start running, and Kip follows, still glancing over his shoulder as more flashes ring out.
The photographer follows for a short while, shooting out more questions, but we lose him once I take us through the Omega Chi Beta back yard. I keep running, just in case, not stopping until we’re tucked away safely in the family bathroom of Hawthorne Hall.
We stand there, quietly, save for our breathing. Kip asks me what’s going on but I cut him off quickly, pressing a hand over his mouth. Once I’m sure we’ve lost him, we let ourselves back out into the cool night, and I keep my eyes away from Kip’s.
Great.
As if the night wasn’t already bad enough, of course a reporter would show up. Dad told me I should be on the lookout for them, that they’d be seeking me out again now that it was public knowledge that I’m in the tournament this May. Still, I thought after they were banned from campus, I wouldn’t have anything to worry about.
Then again, technically, the bonfire was right off campus.
I sigh.
“What the fuck was that?” Kip asks, his breathing still evening out as we make our way toward the sorority house.
“Probably a reporter,” I answer, voice flat. “Or a freelance photographer low on funds. Or maybe there’s another Hottest Poker Players issue coming out from some played-out magazine. I always seem to end up on those shitty lists.”
The words flow out freely, my poker face temporarily stunned as the real pain in my heart slips through.
I’m entered in one of the biggest tournaments in the world. I’ve proven that I can handle my own, that I can be competition for even the top players in the industry.
And yet still, all they care about is what I look like and who I’m dating.
“What are you talking about?” Kip asks.
“This happened last year before I played a pretty massive tournament in Atlantic City,” I say with a sigh. “My parents told me it would probably happen again and maybe be even worse with this one in Vegas, but I guess I didn’t think they would find me here. They’re not supposed to be allowed on campus, but technically the bonfire isn’t on campus, is it? Fuck.”
I repeat the words I’d thought silently aloud, and the more I think about it, the more upset I am.
I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to be their pawn, or Erin’s, or anyone else’s.
How did I end up here?
Thoughts are hitting me faster than I can process them, and suddenly, Kip traps my wrist in his hand, pulling me back until I’m crushed into his chest, both of his arms around me. He holds me tight, rocking me gently, his lips finding my hair as he presses a soft kiss there.
And I let him hold me.
I’m tempted to cry, but I use every last bit of mental strength I have left not to. Instead, I focus on my breathing, letting it even out as Kip holds me, his warmth surrounding me as we stand in the yard of the sorority house. Everyone is at the bonfire, so I’m not worried about anyone seeing.
But I am worried about what I’m feeling.
Because I feel safe.
And I’ve never felt that with a boy before.
“It’s all good,” he says after a moment, pulling me back to look at me. “They’re gone now and we can talk to the Dean tomorrow about this. Or President Whittington. They’ll take care of it.”
I nod, though my wheels are still spinning. “Okay.”
Kip doesn’t seem convinced by my verbal agreement. His eyes search mine, the light from the front porch just barely illuminating his eyes.
“Hey, look at me.”
I suck in a deep breath, holding it in my chest before I let my gaze find his.
“The only thing you need to worry about right now is picking out a dress for tomorrow night, okay? I’ll handle talking to the president.” He smiles, so confident in the fact that he can take care of me.
And I so desperately want to let him.
“Pick you up at seven?”
I let myself study him for a moment, my eyes sweeping over his mussed hair, his high cheek bones, his strong jaw. I hover over his lips, still tasting them on my own.
And then, I force a smile, putting my poker face back on.
“Actually, Adam and some of your brothers are coming in a limo to pick a lot of my sisters up. Could we ride with them? It would be so fun!”
I can tell Kip hates the idea of sharing me with anyone, especially a car full of people, but he nods. “Okay, yeah. I’ll talk to Adam.”
“Okay.”
I smile again, lifting up on my toes to peck his lips before turning for the door. I need to get inside. I need to put distance between us, to put my resolve back in place.
Thankfully, Kip doesn’t follow me. He doesn’t tug my wrist and pull me back, deepen the kiss, ask me again to come home with him. Thank God, I think, because I doubt I could decline again.
I don’t feel the weight on my chest recede until I’m inside the house, the door closed behind me, serving as a barrier between me and Kip. And even then, the weight only lifts a little, just enough to let me breathe.
I don’t even bother taking a shower.
As soon as I’m up the stairs, I strip out of my hoodie, kick off my boots, and face plant on my bed. When my cheek hits the cool cotton of my pillow, I know the truth. It screams at me, taking over every other thought now that I’m alone, and it won’t let me rest until I look it in the eye — until I acknowledge it.
I can’t do this.
I can’t play this game anymore. I can’t pretend I don’t have feelings for Kip, and I can’t lure him in just to hurt him. I have to tell Erin that I need out.
I have to tell her I like him.
Taking a deep breath, I let the weight of that settle in on me.
And only then, in a dark room without a single other sister in the house, I finally let myself cry.
“YOU DID GOOD,” JEREMY says, slapping me on the back before giving my shoulder a squeeze.
He scans the bonfire with me, hundreds of Greek students gathered to celebrate our new members. It’s my first New Member bonfire as president, and the pride I feel swelling in my chest is almost too much to bear. I can’t help the goofy grin on my face, the warm, fuzzy cloud floating through me — though that might be the alcohol.
“Thank you. And it wasn’t just me. We did good.”
“We did, didn’t we?” Jeremy smiles wider, shaking his head. “I think this is our best pledge class yet. This is definitely the best turnout for the fire, that’s for sure.”
I nod in agreement, taking another drink from the red Solo cup in my hand. The night is still going strong, the kegs slowly tapping out one by one as the hours stretch into early morning. And as proud as I am of Jeremy and myself, of our leaders, I’m even more proud of our pledges.
It wasn’t
easy, what we asked of them.
Dropping your cell phone for more than an hour is hard for our generation to do, let alone giving it up for over a week. Add in the fact that we put them through a little hell, a little bonding, and a lot of brotherhood testing out at the cabin, and it’s no wonder they’re all wearing their new letters like a badge of honor tonight.
My eyes skirt to where Cassie is, where I left her moments ago with Skyler. I’d sat and talked with them for almost an hour, loving the way Cassie seemed to be letting herself have a little fun, but I knew from the moment I sat down that she wanted to talk to me — and I couldn’t blame her. I had some explaining to do.
I wanted to tell her I was leaving after we hooked up last week. The last thing I wanted her thinking was that I would do that and then stop returning her texts — and I had turned on my phone to one from her saying we needed to talk. My stomach had dropped at that, but I knew she’d understand once I explained.
I was the president, and I had to lead by example. If the pledges couldn’t be on their phones, I wouldn’t be on mine, either.
Still, I feel her eyes from across the fire, hear the plea behind them. She needs answers, and when Kip and Skyler disappear, Erin heading off in the other direction, it leaves her all alone on the bench we were just sitting at together.
I take another drink, hoping the beer will somehow give me the right words to say.
“I’m going to go see about a girl,” I say to Jeremy.
His brows knit together, but when his gaze follows mine to Cassie, he smirks. “Have fun, El Presidente. You deserve it.”
I hold up my cup toward him with a little nod, and then one hand slips into my jeans pocket as I make my way to Cassie.
Her eyes widen a little when she notices me moving across the lot, and she looks around for someone to talk to, someone to save her from having to stare at me while I walk her way. I can’t help but smile at how easily she wears her nerves, her cheeks flushing the closer I get, fingers brushing her hair behind her ear. She takes a sip from her cup, balancing it on one shaking knee as she looks anywhere but at me until I’m right in front of her.
“Hey, you,” I say, plopping down beside her where Skyler sat before. She’d been between us then, a barrier, but with nothing between us now, that same familiar buzz surges to life as soon as her eyes find mine.
“Hey.”
I sigh, hating the way she’s looking at me, like I can’t be trusted, like I’m not the person she thought I was. It’s everything I’ve been trying to avoid. I want to be a man of my word with her, want to be different from the others, and yet I know without asking that I’ve hurt her.
“I’m sorry,” I say immediately.
Her eyes widen, the emerald flecks of them flickering in the fire light. “You are?”
“Yes, I am,” I say, smirking. “I know the week must have been hard for you, with me not responding to your text. You had no idea where I went, and I didn’t tell you I was leaving. But, I want you to understand that Alpha Sigma and my brothers are important to me. I wanted to tell you, but I had told everyone else in leadership that they were explicitly forbidden from telling anyone what the date was for us to leave for the trip. I wanted to lead by example.” I shrug, scratching at my neck. “Although, saying that out loud sounds a little silly. I know I could have told you and you wouldn’t have told anyone else.”
“I wouldn’t have.”
I search her eyes, wanting so desperately to reach for her. “I really am sorry, Cassie. I wanted to tell you, but I was trying to do right by my fraternity. And I hope you know now that I’m back, that you know where I was, that everything is okay between us. I meant what I said to you last week,” I promise, and then I lower my voice, leaning in closer. “And I meant every single touch, too.”
Cassie inhales a shallow breath, her bottom lip trembling slightly. Her knees clench together, but then her eyes rip away from mine, hands slipping under the backs of her thighs as she stares down at her Keds.
“Talk to me,” I beg her, scooting closer. Our legs brush, the energy transferring between us.
“You said everything is okay between us,” she whispers. “But… is it really?”
“Of course, it is.”
I shake my head, finally giving into the urge to reach for her. I grab her wrist, pulling one hand from under her leg and into my grip, but she slides it away immediately, tucking her hair behind her ear before sitting on the hand again.
“Cassie… what’s wrong?”
She rolls her eyes, letting out an exhausted huff. “How can you even ask me that when you know the answer?” Her eyes land hard on mine, the pain ridden in them. “Why aren’t we together, Adam? Why don’t you want me to be your girlfriend?”
“I do,” I assure her. “When the time is right.”
“What does that even mean?” She throws her hands up, letting them smack her thighs when they fall. “You know, Erin said something to me last week that really hit me hard. She said, if a guy wants to be with you, then he will be. And a real man won’t make you wonder what you mean to him.”
Her words are like a slap to the face, and I flinch back at the sting of them.
“You don’t know what you mean to me?”
“Not anymore,” she answers quickly, and then her hands are tucked under her thighs again, her little shoulders shrugging as she looks down at the dirt. “Maybe not ever, really.”
I drag a hand over my jaw, closing my eyes as I search for the right thing to say, to make her understand. Right now, it feels like everything she just said stole my breath, my will to speak along with it.
How can I make her understand?
To tell her I don’t want to just be another Grayson or Clay would insult her. She knows I’m not them, and it’s like me telling her that she needs to have better judgment, that she needs to take a step back and evaluate before jumping in. But I don’t mean it that way. I only want her to be happy — truly happy — with herself, and with me.
I can’t tell her I’m doing this for her, because I know as much as she does that she’s a strong, resilient girl. She can make her own decisions, and I honor those choices.
I just want her to take a moment for herself.
I want her to know that I will wait, that there’s no rush.
Sitting next to her now, her bottom lip sucked between her teeth, I have to remind myself again exactly why I want to wait.
“I don’t know how to explain this in words,” I say softly, resting my hand on her knee. I don’t reach for her hand again, but I crave the connection, the need to let her feel me when I speak. “And I may not ever be able to fully explain it. But, my grandfather taught me that actions speak louder than words. And you’ve heard a lot of talk, Cassie.”
She sniffs, eyes still on the dirt.
“You heard Clay tell you you could trust him, that he wouldn’t hurt you — but his actions proved you wrong. You heard Grayson when he said he loved you, that he would take care of you, that you were safe — but then his actions proved you wrong again. And now here I am,” I say modestly, shaking my head as I swallow past the knot in my throat. “Just another boy completely fascinated with you, who has loved you for so long — longer than I should have. And I’m telling you all those same things.”
Cassie slowly pulls her gaze to mine, her shiny green eyes shielded under bent brows.
“You can trust me,” I say, repeating what I know those other boys said. “I won’t hurt you. I love you, I want to take care of you, and you’re safe with me.” I swallow again, harder this time. “I mean every word, Cassie. But give me the chance to prove it to you. Let me show you I mean it, while you take the time to heal those scars the other guys left. Do I want to help? Absolutely. But I know your strength, and I know the girl who existed before those scars were left. She’s different now — stronger, smarter, even more beautiful, somehow.” I smile at that, and the corner of her own mouth twitches up. “And I want her to remember that. I want
you to spend some well-deserved time on yourself because I care about you. That’s the first step for me in my actions speaking louder than my words. Because as much as I want to wrap you up in my arms and tell everyone that you’re my girl, what I want more is for you to be happy, to be free, to be you.”
Cassie smiles then, her eyes glossing over so much that one tear leaks free.
“You’re not just mine,” I tell her, wiping the tear away with the pad of my thumb. “You belong to you. Take this time, just heal a little, and know I’m always here. I’m not going anywhere. Those guys lied when they said you were their girl, when they said you were the only one they wanted. When I say it, when we make it official, you’ll know in your heart that there’s no possible way it could be a lie.” I shrug. “You’ll know, because even without saying it, without anyone else knowing, it’s already true.”
It’s as if my words break her, because Cassie’s face warps, and then she buries it in her palms, her shoulders shaking a little. I pull her into me, not worried about the eyes around us now. Most of her sisters are gone, and anyone who’s still partying is too far gone to care what’s happening around them, anyway.
Cassie’s hands grip at my hoodie, pulling me closer as she rests her face in the crook of my neck.
“I’m sorry,” she says with a sniff. “I’m such a mess.”
“No, you’re not.”
“I am,” she insists, pulling back to look at me. “I’ve been going crazy, convincing myself that you didn’t really care about me, that it was all a lie. And why? Because that’s what I’ve been conditioned to do. That’s what those other guys taught me. So I was so quick to just assume that you would do the same.” She shakes her head. “I’m so sorry. I assumed the worst of you, when all you’ve done is prove to me that you care.”
“That’s not true.”
She sniffs again, watching me.
“Cassie, I’ve hurt you, too. When I was with Skyler, when you were with Grayson, and so many times between. What we have? It hasn’t come easy.” I chuckle. “Not even close. And it’s okay that you feel the way you do. That’s why I want to prove to you with my actions what I mean with my words.”
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