Forbidden Passion

by Ruth Gogoll

  Kim drove away. They hadn’t even made it off of company property before Sonja was asleep.

  My God, she must be exhausted, Kim thought. How has she managed for this long? And why didn’t she want to go home? She shook her head. She wasn’t likely to find out the answer to that any time soon.

  But she had accomplished one thing, today, at least: She had spoken to Sonja, and in fact Sonja had even spoken to her. She had apologized, and they hadn’t fought. That by itself was something.

  When they reached her apartment building, she was sorry to have to wake Sonja. She parked right out front and watched Sonja’s sleeping face for a little while longer.

  Truly, I love her, she thought amazed. It’s not just hormones. Why did it take me so long to realize that? Perhaps because Sonja had been so dismissive. That rejection had caused Kim other kind of worries.

  Kim sighed. “Sonja . . .” Softly she brushed against Sonja’s cheek. “Wake up. We’re here.”

  Sonja’s mouth twitched, but she didn’t wake up. Kim touched her face one more time. “You’re so sweet . . .” she whispered. “My sweetheart . . .” Even if Sonja wasn’t that in real life, in Kim’s dreams Sonja was her sweetheart, and while Sonja slept, Kim could imagine whatever she wanted to. “Wake up,” she whispered again, brushing a kiss across Sonja’s sleep-softened lips.

  I shouldn’t have done that, she thought. What if she’d woken up? She cleared her throat. “Sonja,” she said a bit louder than before. “We’re here. We’re in front of my apartment building.”

  Sonja’s eyelids twitched, and slowly, she raised them. “Hmm?” She still hadn’t quite made it back to reality.

  “We’re at my house, or at least in front of it. Come on, let’s go in.”

  Sonja turned her head, still half asleep. “You live here?”

  “If you don’t like it, then just don’t look too closely,” Kim said. “Unfortunately, you and I are in different income brackets. I can’t afford a big house.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” Sonja said, now a bit more awake. “It was just an innocent question.”

  “Sorry. I’ve been a little sensitive lately.” Not least on account of you, Kim added mentally.

  Sonja got out. “I like the building. There’s a garden.”

  “Which doesn’t belong to my apartment, however. I live upstairs.” Kim pointed upward. “All the way upstairs.”

  “That’s fine, too. I wasn’t planning to move in.” Sonja smiled slightly.

  Too bad, Kim thought. But of course, this was just about getting Sonja some sleep. Sonja’s smile, even just a hint of one, distracted her. It was difficult for her to escape its radiance. “There’s no elevator,” she added. “I forgot to mention that.”

  “I usually take the stairs, anyway,” Sonja said. “Even when there is an elevator.”

  “I know. No problem then.” Kim shut off the car and led Sonja up to the top floor into her tiny penthouse.

  “It’s small, but it’s mine,” she said as they entered the apartment. She pointed ahead of her. “Bathroom, kitchen to the left, and over there bedroom and living room. That’s it.”

  “Entirely sufficient.” Sonja yawned. “Excuse me.”

  “I’d say it’s unnecessary to ask if you want a cup of coffee.” Kim chuckled. She pushed open the door to the bedroom. “You can sleep here. Or in the living room on the couch. Whichever you prefer.”

  Sonja went over and glanced into the bedroom. “The bed looks comfortable.”

  Kim laughed softly. “Would you like to render an opinion of the couch, as well?” she asked. “I’ll have to pull it out first.”

  “If it doesn’t bother you that I’m sleeping in your bed . . .” Sonja said.

  “No, that doesn’t bother me.” Kim chuckled again. You’re welcome to do any time you want, she thought.

  Sonja looked at her.

  How I would love to stay here with you, Kim thought. “I’ll go, then. Make yourself comfortable. You know where everything is. Get some sleep.” She sensed how her hand wanted to rise and caress Sonja’s face. She had to fight it with all her strength. “Good night.” She grinned.

  Sonja smiled tiredly. “It’s in the morning.”

  “That doesn’t matter.” Kim lifted a hand, but then just waved at her. “See you later.”

  She left the apartment quickly and pulled the door shut behind her.

  She ran down the stairs until she stood in front of the main door. She leaned against it. She really couldn’t have lasted much longer in Sonja’s presence, looking at her bedroom eyes. As haggard as Sonja appeared, she was still seductive. And standing right next to the bed . . .

  Kim took a deep breath and sighed. Soon Sonja would lie in bed and sleep . . . In her bed. But alone. Kim sighed again. That was all of it. Sonja, the straight woman, and Kim, the lesbian – those two did not add up to a couple; that was the way of the world.

  When Kim came home that evening, she thought that Sonja was still there. Her scent still hung in the air.

  Remembering that Sonja was sleeping in her bed at home had made it tough for Kim to concentrate on her work all day.

  A peculiar situation. They hadn’t seen each other for weeks, and then suddenly, everything had happened so very fast. Not quite the way Kim would have wished for things to work out, but still . . .

  Kim entered the bedroom. The bed was neatly made, all the covers smoothed out and tucked in. Kim didn’t normally bother, but she would almost have bet that Sonja valued such things.

  She sniffed. Oh, God. She was going to have to put new sheets on; otherwise, she would never be able to rest tonight, with Sonja’s scent in her nose, as though she were lying right there.

  The telephone rang. Kim jumped, but didn’t move. The ringing didn’t stop.

  She answered in a husky voice.

  “What did you do with Mrs. Kantner today?” Jo began, clearly in a good mood. “You saw her, didn’t you?”

  It wasn’t Sonja. And why should it be her after all? Kim swallowed, then cleared her throat. “Yes. I saw her.”

  “Even though I was against it this morning, I happen to be very grateful to you at the moment.” Jo laughed. “She’s like a whole new person.” When Kim didn’t answer, she continued. “You slept with her, didn’t you? She was totally relaxed when she came into the office this afternoon.”

  “Oh my God, Jo,” Kim scolded. “You really do only think about one thing.”

  “Well, in connection with you and her, it’s the obvious thing,” Jo said, unperturbed. “And? How was it?”

  “It wasn’t anything,” Kim said, annoyed. “She was horribly overtired, and so I offered her my bed –”

  “Oh, cool!” Jo seemed practically to be dancing on the table. “Not a new ploy, but it still seems to work. Even with straight witches like this one. Do you win over a lot of women with that line?”

  “She slept in my bed,” Kim emphasized. “I wasn’t there. I sat in my office and worked.”

  “Yes, of course,” Jo said sarcastically.

  “You don’t need to be so sarcastic. That’s the truth. I brought her to my apartment, and then I left. Before she undressed.”

  “Well, undressing isn’t necessarily required.”

  “Get it through your thick skull already,” Kim said sharply. “I told you exactly what happened. And that was all of it.” She sighed. “Although I would’ve been happy to have had it otherwise.”

  “Okay, I believe you,” Jo said. “She didn’t want to?”

  “Could we please change the subject, Jo? She’s your boss.”

  “Now, please . . .” Jo objected, indignant. “And what did you do with her when she was your boss? I’d say a little small talk ought to be allowed.”

  “Apparently, she hasn’t been able to sleep well lately,” Kim said. “I think that’s why she’s been so irritable. Now that she’s finally gotten some sleep, you can see the difference.”

  “I still have my doubts about whether
just sleep achieved that.”

  “For your sake I’m going to have surveillance cameras installed in my bedroom, so you’ll finally believe me,” Kim said. “But honestly you can feel free to think what you want. Just don’t you dare breathe a word of it to her!”

  “Don’t worry. This afternoon, I thought I’d been transported to paradise. I don’t want to go and blow that.” Jo paused briefly. “Is she going to be sleeping at your house often from now on?” she asked smugly.

  “Didn’t I ask you to change the subject?” Kim frowned.

  “Well, I just thought. Maybe then I can look forward to a few more pleasant afternoons like today. That’d be nice.”

  “I hardly think so,” Kim said. “I think this was an exception. She was really totally exhausted. I was afraid she was going to collapse.”

  “Well, you should’ve seen her this afternoon. Absolutely bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, I’m telling you. As if she’d had her pick of mood enhancers from the pharmacy.”

  Too bad I couldn’t see how well she was doing, Kim thought. “Oh, by the way, Jo,” she teased. “Since you don’t seem to value the privacy of others at all, I’m sure you won’t mind her knowing that you and I –”

  “You told her that?” Jo interrupted her loudly.

  Kim smirked. “Actually, I didn’t tell her anything. She just drew the correct conclusion when I told her that we knew each other.”

  “Oh, hell!” Jo groaned. “Did you have to?”

  “It is what it is,” Kim said. “Some things are simply unavoidable. But she assured me that it wouldn’t affect your work together. Or maybe – as you’ve already noticed – the effect will only be positive.”

  “You never know with straight girls,” Jo said skeptically. “They change their minds every five seconds.”

  “We’ll have to live with that. Although I don’t believe she’ll do that. If she does, you can have my job.”

  “You’re very confident of her. And you’re sure nothing happened between you two at your place this morning . . .?”

  “I am simply not going to answer that anymore.”

  “Well, fine,” Jo said. “I’m supposed to say hi from Jenny and ask you if you’ll come over for dinner tomorrow. She’s cooking. With a little help from me. I found out that she hardly knows the difference between an apple and a tomato.” She laughed.

  “That’s true!” Kim laughed, too. “This is the first time she’s ever invited me over to eat.” She cleared her throat. “Coincidentally I do have this cake . . .”

  “From your boss’s wife?” Jo asked right away. “Forget it. Not even Jenny is that bad of a cook.”

  “Probably,” Kim said. “Then I’ll see you tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it.”

  She hung up and glanced toward the bedroom. Some bed-making was in order. And airing.

  Otherwise she wasn’t likely to sleep well tonight.

  ~*~*~*~

  Chaos reigned when Kim arrived at her office the next morning. Everyone was running around like chickens with their heads cut off.

  “What’s going on?” Kim asked one of the staff.

  “Rolf.” The woman sobbed. “He had a heart attack. They just took him to the hospital. They don’t know whether he’s going to make it.” She sobbed even louder.

  Kim’s throat cinched tight. She couldn’t respond. Clearly shaken she walked into her office and sat down.

  Rolf. She hadn’t known him for long, but he was already almost like a father to her. Her own father was long dead, and Rolf and his wife Margit had immediately clasped her to their bosoms. They had no children of their own and treated Kim like a daughter. And now?

  She pulled herself together. “Which hospital –” But she was in her office, talking to herself. She stood up and went out. “Does anyone know which hospital they took Rolf to?” she asked loudly.

  The babble of voices quieted down. She repeated her question.

  “Antonius Hospital,” someone stated.

  The phone on Kim’s desk rang. No one felt like providing technical support or answering customer inquiries right now, but it had to be done. Kim went to her desk and picked up.

  “Thank you,” Sonja’s smooth, warm voice said. “I slept wonderfully in your bed.”

  Kim had to reorient herself. It was all a bit much for this early in the morning.

  “My pleasure. I’m sorry, but I can’t talk right now, Sonja. Rolf had a heart attack. I have to go to the hospital.”

  “Rolf?” Sonja sounded horrified. “Oh, no!”

  “Yes, unfortunately so,” Kim confirmed. “I can’t leave Margit waiting there all by herself. They . . . the paramedics didn’t know whether he was going to make it.”

  “No,” Sonja repeated, shaken. “Not Rolf.”

  “I can hardly believe it, either. I wasn’t here when it happened. I just got in,” Kim explained. “I’ll let you know later what I find out. I have to leave.” She hung up without saying goodbye.

  Kim arrived at the hospital at the same time as Margit stepped out of a taxi. She was white as a sheet.

  “Margit.” Kim approached her and took her by the arm. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Forty-two years.” Margit’s pale lips trembled. “We’ll be married forty-two years next month.”

  “And you’re going to celebrate that anniversary together,” Kim said confidently. “I know you will.”

  “Where . . .?” Margit looked around, bewildered. “Where is he?”

  “Let’s go and find out.” Kim supported Margit by the arm, and together, they went inside the hospital.

  The clerk at the reception informed them that the doctors in the ER had managed to stabilize Rolf. He was currently transferred to the intensive care unit.

  Kim got Margit a coffee. The two of them headed to the IC floor and sat down in the waiting area. After a while a nurse walked past.

  Kim jumped up. “What’s his condition?”

  The nurse stopped, clearly confused. “What?”

  “Rolf Winkelmann. How is he?” Kim asked.

  “I’m just coming on duty,” the nurse said. “I’m afraid I can’t give you any information. Are you relatives?”

  “This is his wife.” Kim indicated Margit.

  The nurse nodded. “I’ll find out.” She kept walking.

  “How long have we been here?” Margit’s voice sounded as though she were suppressing a sob. “I’ve lost all sense of time.”

  “Half an hour. Not very long.”

  “It feels like an eternity,” Margit said softly.

  Kim wrapped an arm around Margit’s shoulders. “He’ll get well again. He’s got to.”

  “Rolf was always so strong,” Margit whispered. “He rarely ever gets sick. A cold from time to time, but nothing serious. I never thought he –”

  “Just wait.” Kim squeezed her shoulder comfortingly. “We don’t know anything yet.”

  “Mrs. Winkelmann?” A nurse they hadn’t seen before was coming toward them. “You can see your husband now. But only briefly. He’s still sedated.”

  “He . . . he’s alive?” Kim stammered.

  “Yes.” The nurse nodded. “Because he was brought here immediately, his chances are good. But only the doctor can tell you anything definitive.”

  Kim supported Margit, who could barely walk on her own, and they went inside.

  Rolf lay in a bed surrounded by hoses, wires, and machines that pumped and hissed and beeped. A monitor showed his heartbeats.

  Kim exhaled with relief. His heart is beating. That’s the most important thing. She pulled up a chair for Margit and helped her sit down.

  Margit stared at Rolf’s face, half hidden by the oxygen tubing. She sought his hand, took it in hers, and simply held it tightly.

  Kim remained standing next to her, observing Rolf’s shallow but even breathing under the blanket. He’s alive, was all she could think. He’s alive.

  After a while, the nurse came in. “I need you to go now. There’s nothing
you can do for him at the moment, in any case. He won’t wake up for the next few hours. It’d be best if you check back tomorrow.”

  “This afternoon,” Kim said. “I’ll call this afternoon.”

  The nurse nodded.

  Kim laid a hand on Margit’s shoulder. “Come, Margit, I’ll take you home. You can’t stay here.”

  Margit seemed not to hear her.

  Kim leaned down to her. “Come,” she repeated. “You need to rest.”

  “He looks so small. But he isn’t really this small.”

  Kim patted her shoulder. “It just looks that way now. When he’s well again, he’ll be just as big as he was before.” She grabbed the arm of Margit’s chair. “Give me your hand. I’ll put the chair back.”

  That seemed to pull Margit out of her lethargy somewhat. “I can do it . . .” She stood up and swayed. Quickly Kim braced her and let the chair be. That had been a diversionary tactic in any case, to bring Margit back to the real world.

  She drove Margit home, made her some tea, put her in bed, and at her request, gave her a sleeping pill.

  “Call me when you wake up.” She set the telephone next to Margit on the nightstand.

  Margit nodded sleepily. The sleeping pill seemed to already be taking effect.

  After Margit had fallen asleep, Kim drove back to the office.

  She called Sonja.

  “I’m sorry I cut you off like that this morning,” she said. “I just got back from the hospital.”

  “How is Rolf?” Sonja asked.

  “He’s alive.” Kim ran a hand through her hair. “I drove Margit home and helped her to bed. She’s sleeping now. Rolf is sleeping, too. He’s in intensive care. They’ll be able to say more this afternoon. Maybe then I can talk to a doctor. There wasn’t one available when I was there.”

  “Thank God!” Sonja exhaled with audible relief. “He’s alive.”

  “Margit was horribly shocked. She says he’s never been seriously ill a day in his life. This is the first time. They’ve been married forty-two years.”

  “Yes, I know. That’s a long time.” Sonja cleared her throat. “Should you and I go get something to eat? Then you can tell me more.”