by Ivy Wonders
“We could be a family, Reagan. How would that take away from him?” He pulled me closer then leaned in, so our lips nearly touched. “I want you, and I want him too.”
My heart stopped beating at that, but I tried to act as if his words didn’t shatter me. “He’s a handful. You haven’t even met him yet. You have to believe me when I tell you that you no longer know me the way you did. I am so different.”
“How?” He pulled back to look at me. “How different can you possibly be?”
“Well, for starters, I no longer sleep naked.” I thought that one might throw him.
“Because of the kid. Yeah, I get that. But when we’re living together, we’ll lock our door, and you can have a robe at the ready for when he needs you in the middle of the night, or when he tries to come in our room after a nightmare.” His smile told me once again that he thought he had the answers to everything.
“Sometimes, I have to lie down with Skye for him to fall asleep.” I knew men hated things like that. “And mornings are a nightmare now that he’s going to school. He hates getting up early, and he cries a lot about that.”
“Seems like he might need to go to bed earlier, then.” Nodding as if he’d solved the entire problem, he went on, “See, I’ve got fatherly instincts. I want to help you with your son, not take you away from him. I’d treat him as if he were my own, Reagan. You know I would. Anyone who’s a part of you is a person I’ll love, too.”
This was getting to be too much. If he kept talking about Skye like that, I was going to blurt out the truth. I knew I should, but deep down I still wasn’t ready for my time with Arrie to be over. “Speaking of that word, love,” I said, trying to change topics away from Skye. “We’ve never even said that to each other and yet here you are, talking about marriage. You’re kind of hurtling past a few steps here, Arrie.” Although I knew we’d never make it to those steps, I had to point that out to him.
“Steps?” He laughed. “We’d already taken so many of them six years ago. Now the only ones we need are to exchange the words we both know we feel. I’ve already introduced you to my family, so you need to introduce me to yours. Then we ease them into our situation; we start dating—as I’ve said before—then a short engagement, with you and Skye moving into a place I buy here.”
I finished his little plan, “And then a wedding to end all weddings. Skye can be the ringbearer and Mom can play the Wedding March on the church organ.”
Shaking his head, but with a smile on his face, he filled me in on his idea of the perfect wedding. “No. Nothing huge. No church, either. Do you remember that first night on the beach?”
“How could I ever forget our first time, Arrie?” My body heated at the memory. “Nothing but you and me and the stars above us. Not even the sand on my back bothered me that night. It couldn’t have been more romantic if we’d planned it. I think about that night often.” Well, that night and the night before he left—the night I got pregnant.
“I want to get married on that beach, Reagan. It seems perfect for us.” His eyes glistened, and I knew right then and there that I would never be able to love another man the way I loved him.
Arslan Dawson was one in a million. “You really are beyond perfect, Arrie. And I should be falling into your arms—and your life—with ease. And I would if …”
The shine left his eyes as he whispered, “If you didn’t have a child.”
Nodding, I felt happy he understood. “I’m a mom, and that’s really all I am now, other than a doctor. There’s simply no time for anyone or anything else in my life. I’m sorry, Arrie. I really am. This isn’t the right time for me to get involved with anyone. Not even the best man on this planet for me.”
“So, loving me isn’t enough for you to give me a shot to prove we can make this work?” Staring into my eyes, I felt him in my soul.
Arrie and I were already connected in one of the deepest ways possible—only he didn’t know that yet. And still he wanted me, and the son I’d hidden from him. But I knew that would all change once he learned the truth.
“Sometimes love isn’t enough, Arrie.”
Chapter 9
Arslan
Reagan’s argument made no sense to me. “Tons of single mothers have relationships. I know being a doctor takes more time than most careers, but we can adjust that. It’s all up to us how much time we spend working. We can take things slower, if that’s what you need.”
Her chest rose with a heavy sigh. “Arrie, please take me home. To my home. I don’t want to spend all night bantering with you about time, children, single motherhood, or any other thing we’re sure to disagree on.”
“So, you won’t come to my hotel room even for a little while?” I asked, just to be sure. “Because I’ve ached for you since the moment I laid my eyes on you. And at dinner, I was hard for you the whole time.”
She laughed as her head shook. “So, you’ve heard everything I have to say, and somewhere in your head you think we can still have sex without any strings attached?”
I knew we couldn’t just have sex and leave it at that. This thing between us was more profound than that. “Let’s just say that I think if you let me back inside of you, you’ll realize we can get over all this other stuff and then you’ll let me inside your life too.”
“I’m afraid you might be right about that,” she admitted. “And that’s exactly why I can’t do that. Just take me home. Please.”
Having gone about as far as I was willing to go that night to try to get her to see my way, I turned the car on and started to leave the parking garage. “So, where is your place?”
“Only a couple blocks from the hospital. Head that way, and I’ll point it out.” She looked out the window then back at me as I headed in that direction. “And just because you’re going to know where I live now, doesn’t mean you get to stop by without an invitation. Like, ever. Okay?”
She’d become so reclusive with this kid. “You need to get out more, Reagan. This isn’t a healthy lifestyle for you or your son. You shouldn’t build your whole life around him, to the exclusion of everything else. He needs more than just Momma, Grandma, Grandpa, and that next-door neighbor in his life.”
“And he has more. He has his teacher, his friends in class, and even the coach he plays tee ball for.” She smiled as if that should’ve pleased me.
But it hadn’t. “So, you can make time for all those people, but not me?”
My first thought that I might be her son’s father faded more and more as each day passed. Reagan and I still had heat between us. If that boy were mine, then I believed with everything in me that Reagan would’ve told me by now.
Her evasiveness and reluctance must be from something else. Maybe having me around the kid would remind her that she’d slept with someone other than me right after we’d parted ways. But that wasn’t a crime or a sin against our relationship or anything like that.
We’d broken up, both free to explore things with other people. I couldn’t be even remotely angry that she’d been with other men or that she’d had a baby with one of them. But maybe she was mad at herself.
Pointing at the entrance to an apartment complex, she said, “Pull in there. It’s in the first row of apartments. Park in front of number eight.”
Pulling up, I parked, then turned off the car. “I’ll walk you in.”
“No!” Her hand rested on the door handle. “I can go inside just fine on my own.”
“What’s the problem, Reagan?” This wasn’t like her at all. “No one’s even here. Why can’t I walk you inside? I won’t force myself on you. You know me better than that.” Then a thought hit me. “Or are you afraid you won’t be able to keep yourself from giving into what we both want so desperately?” I looked at her with a hopeful grin.
She rolled her green eyes. “Come on, Arrie.”
I took that to mean she’d changed her mind about inviting me in, so I opened my door. “Okay, glad to see you making more sense.”
She grab
bed my arm, keeping me inside the car. “No! I meant it the other way—not the way you think.”
Now I was really getting frustrated. “Why don’t you want me in your home, Reagan?” What could she be hiding in there? “Do you have something in there that you don’t want me to see or something?”
“No.” But her eyes shifted to the right, and I thought that might be exactly the case. “I just want to go inside and go to bed, and I know you won’t let me do that.”
“I’d actually love to tuck you into bed.” I reached out to take her hand, but she pulled it close to her body so I couldn’t.
“Arrie, all this touching isn’t helping me. I’ve told you that already. I’m sorry I keep going back to allowing it, but it’s a terrible idea.” She ran her hands up and down her arms, as if she were cold. “I need to head inside. This weather is too cold for me to be sitting here all night. Thanks for the ride home. See ya at work tomorrow.”
I had to set things straight. “If my touch makes you sick, then you can just tell me that and stop all this bullshit.”
Her jaw dropped. “Arrie! You know that’s not true.”
I knew my touch didn’t make her sick. I just wanted to do something to rile her up, to get her to the point where she would be honest with me—and herself. “I can’t help but think you have an aversion toward me but you just don’t want to admit it to me. I’ll admit, it would hurt, but I’d at least know why you’re doing this.”
“I’m doing this because of my son, Arrie. Damn!” Now she looked pissed. “You know what? You don’t have a clue what it means to be a parent.”
“So let me have a clue then, Reagan. Your son doesn’t have any other father in his life; I’ve told you I want to be there for you and him; and yet you still push me away.” At least arguing meant we could get into a deeper conversation about her problems and not have to be so polite with each other.
“That’s not how people do things, Arrie. You don’t just pull an old boyfriend into your home and tell your kid he’s got a new daddy. We’re already a happy family; we don’t need changing.” Her anger must’ve turned up the heat, because her jacket came off. “Can you imagine being told by your mother that some guy has decided to play daddy with you?”
I knew about that more than she realized. “I guess you weren’t listening to me very well earlier. I told you my mother married my father’s best friend only six months after his death. So yes, I can imagine, because that is pretty much exactly what happened to me. Mom came to me with Bill at her side, telling me how he’d be there for us now, and that I didn’t have to worry about my father being gone.
“So, you don’t need to lecture me about how not to handle things with your son. I’m well aware of how that feels as an adult. I can’t imagine the pain and confusion it would cause a little kid.”
Suddenly her green eyes went soft, and she reached out to put her hand on my shoulder. “God, Arrie. I’m sorry. I did listen; I just forgot. This isn’t easy for me. I know you would never put my son in that type of position. But I’ve got to put him first. Even above my own needs and wants.”
“So, I’m a need and a want that you will deny yourself for your son?” I asked, pulling my shoulder away. “Reagan, you are aware that couples all over the world manage to integrate families, right? It can be done. It’s not impossible. I’m not the one making your son into an obstacle—you’re the one who keeps insisting he’s an issue. And that makes me think that you’re hiding something.”
“I am not!” she shouted a little too loudly. “What could I be hiding, Arrie?”
“I don’t know! And you won’t tell me! Maybe you’ve told Skye you will never bring in another man to replace his asshole father who left you.” Misguided as that sounded, I’d heard things equally as crazy before.
“You don’t know a thing about that.” She pulled her jacket back on. “And I’m tired of doing this with you.”
“I’m tired too, Reagan. How much longer am I supposed to keep fighting for what I know we both want? How much longer do you think I can try to talk you into letting us have a normal relationship again?” I had no idea when I’d let the idea of me and her go once and for all, but I knew I couldn’t hold onto it forever.
“Look, just do what you came here to do. Take care of your friend, and then go back to Minnesota. Leaving the Mayo Clinic would be an enormous mistake. You’d be walking away from a prestigious position and so many future opportunities, Arrie.” She looked at me as if she just couldn’t let me do that.
I was riddled with confusion. Reagan’s reason for why she wouldn’t let us happen again kept flip-flopping. One moment it was her son, then it was the distance, then next it was me leaving the clinic. And I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that she was grasping at straws.
“For once, will you just tell me the damn truth? Why do you really not want to give this a try, Reagan Storey? I just want to hear the truth come out of your lips. Then maybe I’ll be able to stop thinking about how those lips used to run over my skin like satin pillows. How they used to succumb to kisses with such ease that I was always amazed.”
Breathing hard, her chest rose and fell as she looked at me with what I could only describe as fear in her eyes. “Don’t accuse me of lying. Please.”
“What else can I say?” I had no idea. “It feels like you’re not being honest with me, or that you’re hiding something from me.”
“You should stop thinking about me and think only about the real reason you’re in Seattle. You didn’t come here for me,” she pointed out. “I never looked you up, even though it would’ve been pretty easy to do so. And you never looked me up either. It’s only by chance that we’re even having this conversation. And just like before, our careers will pull us apart again and again. Forgive me for not wanting to put my son through that. But mostly forgive me for not wanting to experience losing you again. Arrie, it almost killed me to lose you. You have no idea. I can’t go through that again. And I can’t allow my son to go through it either.”
Nothing I’d said to her had sunk into her brain. And I knew there was nothing wrong with her brain—she was brilliant. “Something’s not right, Reagan. Until you can admit to me what that is, then I guess we really don’t have anything to talk about, do we?”
She took hold of the door handle once more. “You’re right. And I’m done talking about any of this. Your dreams for us are lovely. Unfortunately, they won’t work. Not for me. I have my reasons, and I’ve explained them more than I should’ve had to. I hope we can work together on our patient without this interfering. Good night.” She got out of the car, heading to her apartment.
Getting out of the car, I ran to catch up to her. “Let me walk you to your door. I don’t want anyone thinking no one gives a shit about you.”
“No one is watching me to think any such thing. I live a quiet life, Arrie.” She put her key in the lock then turned it with the snap of her wrist. Heading inside, she closed the door, shutting me out of everything—her home and her life.
Chapter 10
Reagan
Shaking with fear, frustration, and a self-hatred that overpowered the other two things, I leaned back against the door, knowing Arrie stood on the other side, deeply confused and possibly hurting, too.
Flipping on the light switch, I looked at all the different pictures of our son that I’d proudly displayed throughout the living room and down both sides of the hallway. I couldn’t have let Arrie in without exposing my secret.
When he’d accused me of hiding something, the look I’d seen in his eyes had nearly killed me. If he actually knew what I’d hidden and how I’d lied for years, and still was, he’d hate me.
I knew that for sure now. And I knew I couldn’t face that. He’d given me the perfect opportunity to confess, and I couldn’t do it—not after hearing his dreams for us, and not while I was staring into those beautiful eyes that I wished more than anything I could stare into for the rest of my life.
Arguing
with him like that had shaken me. Arrie and I had gotten along well when we’d been together. Our arguments had been over silly things back then. Like who would pay for the pizza we got delivered now and then. He hated to let me pay for anything.
And once, we’d argued over me driving us to up to Big Bear to spend the day. He’d claimed my driving scared the hell out of him as it was. Climbing the mountain in my little Subaru Forrester had sounded like a horror show to him.
Smiling as I thought about those times, I walked around my apartment, taking each picture and stacking them into a pile on the sofa. The idea of hiding them struck me as the smartest thing to do.
I didn’t know how I’d break it to the man now. Maybe I could wait for him to leave town and then send him an email, or a letter. Or maybe he’d force things and just show up at my place now that he knew where I lived. And if he came around when I wasn’t home, I had no idea if Mom or Phyllis would know not to let him inside.
After all the pictures were off the walls, I put them in the top of my closet. He’d have to snoop like crazy to find them, and Arrie wasn’t like that.
Deep inside, I was completely shattered by our argument. Will I live alone forever?
I couldn’t see anyone else being what Arrie could be for me. Would it all be worth it in the end? To lose out on a love like ours?
And what about Skye? Was it fair for him to keep his father out of his life for even a moment longer? Especially now that I knew Arrie wanted to be a father? And knew he wanted to be a father to my son?
Closing the closet, I pulled my clothes off then fell into bed. My mind a mess, my body alive with sexual frustration, my life in what almost felt like ruins, I tried and failed to fall asleep.
Thinking about the dreams Arrie had told me—dreams about he and I making a family together—made me wonder why it was still so hard for me to reveal my secret.