by Ivy Wonders
“He was hurt by the forced marriage, too, Tara. Don’t think he wasn’t.” I didn’t understand everything about their unique situation, but I knew that much. “He knew you didn’t love him, but he married you anyway. He did everything for you, and once your son came, he did everything for both of you. He did everything he knew how to do to be a good husband and father. And it is tragic that neither of you understood how to make things right between you and that your communication was so terrible that you couldn’t be honest with one another. But he never meant to hurt you. He never meant to scar you.”
“I know.” She broke down again, and I hugged her once more. “I did grow to love him. I think…I think it was love. I don’t know for sure. But I grew to respect Harman. And Eli respects him, too. And now Eli respects you. And I’m the only one without an ounce of respect coming my way.”
At that point, she wasn’t doing a thing to deserve it. But I didn’t want to put it that way. “If you want respect, you have to earn it. Just giving respect to others doesn’t automatically make them respect you. Eli loves you. If you start doing right by him, if you listen to him and work at being a part of his life, then you will earn his respect. In the process, you’ll earn Harman’s, too. He desperately wants you in Eli’s life, Tara.”
“I feel like I can’t be in Eli’s life if you are.” She looked at me with drooping eyes. “I never expected Harman to move on—it’s been two years and he hasn’t tried until now. And I thought if he ever did, that he for sure wouldn’t allow another woman around our son.”
“I’m sorry, but I don’t know why you would have come to expect that,” I let her know. “Life does go on, Tara.”
“I thought I’d get out there and live life a bit, and that I could go back as soon as I’d done all the things I’d missed out on by ruining my life and getting pregnant.” She shifted in her seat. “And I think I’ve done all that. I’m ready for my old life again. But I can’t have it back if you’re standing in my way, Rebel. Woman to woman, please—I want my family back.”
I sat there, my stomach aching, my heart pounding, and my mind telling me that this is what Harman had meant when he said he’d take Tara back if it meant Eli could have a normal family again.
And I had no idea what I was supposed to do.
Chapter 19
Harman
I was waiting for Rebel to show up at my house, and when my cell rang instead, I answered it with a wariness I’d never felt with Rebel before. “What’s up, baby? Where are you?”
“At my place.” She hesitated, making my heart race. “Can you come over here to talk after you put Eli to bed?”
“You don’t want to come over?” I’d had the chef keep dinner warm, so we could all eat together.
“No,” came her reply. “I’ll tell you about it when you come over later.”
Something told me that things weren’t right. “Okay, I’ll see you a bit after nine.”
Eli and I ate dinner in a confused silence. “So, Rebel just didn’t want to come eat dinner with us?” Eli asked after a few minutes of quiet.
“I guess that emergency at the clinic didn’t end well.” That’s all I could think. What else could it be?
“Yeah, maybe someone’s pet died, and it made Rebel too sad to eat.” He stabbed a piece of roast goose. “Don’t tell Miss Rene, but I’m not a fan of this dinner.”
“She did her best.” I was sure the goose was well-received by most of the upper-crust types she’d served in her career. “And you and I don’t have the palate most of her clients do.”
“I don’t know what that means,” he said as he rolled his eyes. “But I think I like hot dogs more than I like this.”
“Precisely.” I smiled as I watched him take a bite of roasted red potato.
Later, after our nightly swim, I tucked Eli into bed and went to tell the maid she could leave after I got back. Then I got into my Maserati and went to see Rebel.
The door was locked when I got there, and I had to ring the bell. She was expecting me, so I wondered why she’d locked the door. When she answered it wearing a robe, she didn’t say a word, just stepped back to let me inside.
Her demeanor wasn’t exactly cold, but it was different. Far different than it had been just hours earlier. “No kiss?” She shook her head, and I knew then that something was definitely wrong. “Did you catch a cold or something?”
She pointed to the sofa. “Sit, please.”
“Okay.” I took a seat and Rebel sat on the chair opposite me. “Just spit it out, baby. Whatever it is, we can work through it.”
“I’m not sure you’d even want to.” She looked up at the ceiling, and I saw the sheen of tears in her eyes. She shook her head, willing them away before looking back at me. “Tara stopped by the clinic to see me.”
That sounded bad. “Why?”
“She said that she hadn’t planned on doing it. But she saw my car there and thought it was an omen.” Rebel looked at me then, and a tear fell down her cheek. “She’s a very damaged woman, Harman. I’m not saying it’s your fault, because that’s not entirely the truth. But she’s damaged.”
“I agree.” I’d always known our pregnancy had hurt Tara a hell of a lot. “But she refuses therapy. So what can I do?”
She shrugged her narrow shoulders, and I knew she didn’t have a solution this time. “All I know is that I threaten her.”
“I can see that.” On the surface, Tara had every reason to feel threatened. But that was only because she didn’t realize that Rebel only wanted what was best for Eli—and that meant a relationship between Tara and Eli.
“Do you remember what you told me when we first met? About if Tara ever wanted to come back and try to put your family back together?” she asked. I felt my heart filling with dread.
“Has she told you she wants that?” I didn’t care if she did or not. I didn’t love Tara—never had. But I loved Eli with everything I had in me, and that made things difficult.
Nodding, she confirmed my suspicions. “And I told her I would step out of her way.”
What did she say? “You did what?”
“She told me I was standing in the way of your family getting back together.” Another tear rolled down her cheek. “And she’s right. I can’t give you what she can. I can’t give Eli his family back—and that’s what you really want. You told me so when we first met.”
“Baby, no. I see another way to live now, one that I hadn’t realized before.” I got up, feeling the need to pace. I could feel what Rebel and I had slipping away from me. “Don’t let her do this to us, Rebel. I can’t believe you would tell her that you’d get out of her way. This is the first relationship I’ve had, and she’s probably just freaked out. She’ll grow to understand things.”
“It hasn’t been that long since you told me you wanted her back in your home if she wanted to be there.” More tears fell, and my heart ached worse with each one I witnessed.
“Don’t cry, baby.” I went to hold her and hug her, to tell her everything would be alright.
But her hands met my chest, stopping me. “Please don’t, Harman. This is so hard for me, as it is. If you touch me, hold me, kiss me, I won’t be able to do what I need to do for Eli and you.”
“I don’t want her back, Rebel,” I told her. “Doesn’t that mean anything to you? She can be in Eli’s life, but she doesn’t have to be in mine. Not like that. I’ve never loved anyone until you.”
Her eyes shimmered as she looked into mine. “You love me?”
“I do.” It had to be love. My heart had never ached like this over anyone. Not even when Tara had left me. “If you think you’re leaving me so that she can try to win me over, then don’t. She can’t.”
“I told her I’d give her room to try. I didn’t say I’d end it all, but I think that would be best.” She shook her head. “She’s right, Harman. I’m not doing you or Eli any favors by getting involved in all this. If I’d never butted in with Eli and Tara, we probably woul
dn’t even be here anyway. I didn’t mean to use him to get to you, but you only even started paying attention to me because of how I am with your son.
“What?” That had me genuinely confused. “None of that is true.” I adored how she was with Eli, but that wasn’t everything I loved about her. And I knew she’d started caring about him way before she ever started caring about me. If she thought she’d used my affection for Eli to get noticed, then I could say I was guilty of the same. “You and I share a connection I’ve never felt with anyone else. That doesn’t have anything to do with Tara, and it doesn’t have anything to do with Eli, either. I never loved Tara, and she never loved me. There’s nothing else to say to that.”
“But what if she did love you?” Rebel looked away from me. “Sometimes it takes someone else having what you took for granted to realize everything you had but didn’t appreciate. I think she’s found something to love in you now. Now that she’s older and feels like she can make her own choices. And you’ve always wanted that, until I came along.”
“Only because I was ready to settle. I didn’t know what love felt like.” In everything that Rebel had said, she never once said that she didn’t love Eli and me. “And now you know what love feels like, too. So how can you walk away and leave that? Leave us?”
She ignored my question. “Tara is Eli’s mother, and she’s your wife—separated only by a divorce paper.” She pulled a tissue out of the pocket of her robe.
“You say divorce paper like it’s nothing!” It felt like she just kept coming up with excuses. Instead of fighting for me, it felt like she was fighting against me. And I couldn’t keep fighting for both of us. “If you’re going to put it that way, the only thing that made her my wife was a couple of papers. She was never my wife in my heart, no matter how much I tried to make that work. You have to believe that.”
I went to my knees in front of her. “I love you. I know I’ve beaten around the bush about it, but I love you. And I don’t want to lose you. I’ll never want her again, Rebel. I know I won’t. Not when I know what love feels like with you. Even if you step back, I won’t take her back.”
She looked at me with watery eyes. “But Harman, what if you can have the family you always wanted? You should give it a chance. And for the record, I love you, too. I’m doing this because I love you—you and Eli. He’s the most important person in all this. You and I both know that. He deserves to have his mother and father raise him together, the way things like that are meant to be.”
“I’ll admit that I’ve always thought that.” But now things were different. “But I don’t think that way anymore. I never thought another woman could bond with my son the way he’d need. I thought that only his biological mother could love him unconditionally. I was wrong. You love him as much as any mother could. You treat him like he’s yours already.”
“And that’s why you love me, Harman.” She stroked my hair. “If I were dismissive with Eli, then you wouldn’t have given me the time of day.”
“You’re right.” Eli was the center of my world, after all. “I wouldn’t have hit it off with you if you showed no interest in my son, but I’m not in love with you because you did. And you didn’t use him to get to me. You probably could’ve tried, if you’d been a different kind of person. That’s exactly what Tara is trying to do—use him to get what she wants. And you’re going to tell me that you love Eli and me, but that you’ll step back and let another woman take us from you?”
“I took you away from her first.” Her lower lip quivered. “I know she hasn’t been around. And I won’t stand back if she refuses to step forward. But if she steps up…it’s in your best interest to do what’s best for you and your son. ”
Now I was feeling frustrated—and a little desperate. I knew there was only one woman for me. And I knew there was room in Eli’s life for more than one. “That boy has room in his heart for all of us. You know that.”
“His mother doesn’t.” Rebel wasn’t budging.
If I knew anything about the woman I’d fallen in love with, it was that when she felt something was right, there wasn’t a thing anyone could do to make her think differently. I just had to make her see that the right thing here was for her to be with me and Eli. We both needed her. “I tell you what, if Tara steps up, then we’ll see how things go between her and Eli. And I won’t pressure you to see my son or me in the meantime. But if you see that she’s not stepping into the opening you give her, then can you promise me you’ll put this behind us?”
She looked at me for a heart-pounding moment before she let out a huge sigh. “I love you.” She put her hands on either side of my face. “And I want to be with you. I don’t want things to change at all. But I feel she has the right to have one more shot at the family you two made together. If she doesn’t do what’s right, I won’t stand back any longer. But if she does, then I will fade into the woodwork, and you and Eli won’t have to see me again. That’s a promise.”
As if either of us would ever stand for that. The thought of never seeing Rebel Saxe again filled me with a mix of emotions that startled me. Rage being chief among them.
Chapter 20
Rebel
Watching Harman leave my home nearly killed me. When I got home the next day to find Eli in my backyard taking care of the animals, I knew Harman hadn’t told him a thing.
“Hi, Rebel,” he said as I walked out the back door. “I heard you pull up. Were you feeling bad yesterday? Is that why you didn’t come eat that roast goose with us? Or was it ’cause you hate roast goose? ‘Cause I didn’t know that I hated it, but I do. And Dad hates it, too. So I understand if you didn’t want to come eat that yucky food.”
“Um,” I didn’t know how to phrase what I needed to tell him. It was clear his father hadn’t prepared him at all. “Well, let’s start with this. Have you heard from your mother today?”
When he shook his head, my jaw dropped. She should’ve called him, at the very least. “Why?”
“Well, your mom stopped by my work yesterday, and we had a talk.” I took his hand, leading him inside. “Let’s get some hot chocolate and warm up a little.” It was chilly out, and I thought a treat might ease the harshness of what I had to say. “I’ll make it with almond milk, so it won’t hurt your tummy.”
“Thanks.” He smiled at me as he ran his hand in a circle over his tummy. “The squirty poops hurt my stomach.”
“I know.” Taking him inside, I felt the same rock in my gut that I had when Harman had been over the night before. “Take a seat, and I’ll make the drinks.”
Sitting at the table, he looked at me and asked, “So, what did Mom say to you?”
“She told me that she wants to be in your life a lot more.” His eyes lit up at my words, and that made me happy. Like this wouldn’t all be in vain.
“Good,” he said. “I want her more in my life.”
After spending the day feeling awful about how everything had went with Harman, this conversation with Eli was already turning into just the reminder I needed of why I’d decided to step back. The boy needed his mother in his life more than he needed me. After heating the almond milk, I filled two mugs then stirred in chocolate syrup. Plopping a couple of mini marshmallows on top of his, I put the cups on the table then took a seat. “Here ya go, Eli.”
“Thanks.” He blew the steam off the top. “Looks good.”
“Thanks.” I sipped mine, then decided to just get straight to the point. “Since your mom wants to spend more time with you, I want to make sure that you know you can go with her or spend time with her if she’s at your house. You know, you can leave the animals to me. I can take care of them on my own. I don’t want you missing out on spending time with your mom.”
“That’s nice of you, Rebel.” He patted the back of my hand, which rested on the table. “I know you want my mom to be a good mom. She wouldn’t have taken me last weekend if you hadn’t talked to her on the phone. You’re a good influence on her, you know?”
“You think I’m a good influence on her?” I smiled at that. “Perhaps I am.” If nothing else, I’d shown her that both Eli and Harman were wonderful people that others—at least me—liked to be around.
“You are.” After taking a sip, he added, “And she’s even caring about Dad more. That makes me happy, too. She hasn’t cared about him.” He looked up as if trying to think of a time when she had. “Never. Yeah, she’s never cared about him.”
“What makes you think that, Eli?” I knew she couldn’t have been that uncaring toward Harman, a man who was once her husband.
“Dad was really sick this one time. I was in kindergarten, and he couldn’t get out of bed.” He took another sip. “This is so good, Rebel. You should put this recipe in a contest or something, ’cause you’d win.”
“Thank you.” I took another sip. “It is good, isn’t it? Go on with what you were saying, Eli.”
“Oh, yeah. Dad was in bed and throwing up real bad. I felt so bad for him and even told Mom that I could stay home to take care of him.” He looked at the cookies on the counter. “Can I have one of those?”
Getting up, I brought the plate to the table. “Sure, Slugger.”
“So anyway, Mom just laughed and said he was a grown man and he’d be fine on his own. She needed to get me to school, and she had some things to do.” He took the cookie I handed him. “Thank you, Rebel. I felt bad for Dad. And when we got home after school, he was still in bed. He asked me to hand him his cell phone, so he could call Nana ’cause he needed help.”
Even though my stomach knotted at the story, I told myself that Tara had been young and inexperienced. “Well, I’m sure your mom just didn’t know what to do.” When I thought about it, Tara had likely been around twenty-five at the time that had taken place—my age. I couldn’t imagine leaving a sick and miserable Harman to fend for himself.