“Do you want to read it?”
She shook her head. “I’ll cry,” she said.
“Read it,” Dr. Mills encouraged. “Tissues are on the table. And then we can burn it when you’re done.”
Honor nodded and began, “Ruthanne, you miserable fucking cow. I hate you! How could you fucking do this to me? You and my mother belong in the same miserable, selfish God awful mother’s club where you can cackle and stew over what awful ways you ruined someone’s life.” Honor reached for a tissue but found the anger in the letter to be oddly strengthening. “All I needed was a little God damn help. Spence would have helped me, whether we were together or not. But you threatened to have me arrested if I didn’t agree to your sick, twisted, fucking scheme.”
She continued her diatribe against her mother. Ruthanne. Spencer. Steve. Everyone who had hurt and betrayed her over the years. “But you know what?” she asked, finishing up. “I am determined to get my son back. To reclaim some part of his life that you all forced me to give up. So, to all of you, I give you a giant fuck you.” She presented her middle finger in the classic symbol and looked up to see Dr. Mills discreetly wiping her eyes.
“That was great, Honor,” she said. She pulled out a candle in a small dish. “Are you ready to burn it? Let it fly away with your anger and your rage? Or do you need to hold on to it a little longer?”
Honor nodded and lit the paper on fire, letting it fall to the dish and turn to ash. “It. Hurts,” she said, rubbing her chest.
“That’s the pain, leaving your body.”
“But if I let go of the pain and anger what do I do next?”
“Learn to forgive. Not for them. They don’t deserve forgiveness for hurting you. But you deserve to let go of the anger and heal.”
Honor stared into the remaining glowing ember of what was once her letter. “A wound can’t heal if there is still something in it,” she said, understanding.
Chapter Nine
The plane set down at Newark International Airport slightly ahead of schedule. They’d had a good tailwind and Noah had fallen asleep somewhere over Colorado. It was going to be tough to get him to sleep tonight, but he’d cross that bridge when he got there.
Sleep deprivation, jetlag, and a not quite five year old were going to make for an interesting next few days.
“I’m cold,” Noah complained as they picked up the rental car. August nights in New Jersey were far different from August nights in San Diego.
“I know, bud. Evenings are cool here. I’ll get the heater going in a minute.” He got Noah fitted into his booster seat and handed him his stuffed tiger.
Spence navigated the complicated turns and directions until he found himself on Route 78 and began navigating the hour long trip to Harper’s Mill.
***
Emma felt her eyes glow the fierce blue that foretold one of her premonitions. She instantly closed her eyes before remembering she was alone at the house. Honor was currently baking up a storm for tomorrow morning’s customers.
Emma jammed her feet into her vintage chucks before running out to the car. So help her, she was determined to beat Spence back to his family home.
She did, but barely.
Spence pulled his rental up next to her car. He paused for a moment to turn the interior lights off and unfolded from the driver’s seat.
“Emma. How did you know…?” His voice trailed off. Of course. She had known.
“We need to talk.”
“Funny,” Spence said. “Last time I called, you wouldn’t tell me anything.”
“That was then. This is now. Honor is just starting to heal. So help me, if you hurt her again, I will rip out your entrails and feed them to the bears.”
“Heal from what? I need the whole story.”
Emma bit her lip, debating what she could say and what Honor’s story to tell was. “Heal from the hell your parents put her through. So if you’re going to continue down that path – stop.”
“What did my parents do?”
“I think that’s Honor’s story to tell,” Emma said, her blue eyes blazing with spirit. “You can find her at the diner.”
“Harper’s?” Spence said, already turning to his car.
“It’s called The Breakfast Club now. But yes. That’s the location.”
Spence nodded and when he climbed in, Emma caught a glimpse of a sleeping little boy. With a gasp, she knew, just… knew.
And did a happy dance.
***
Honor was putting the finishing touches on individual ramekins of blackberry cobbler when she heard the bell to the front door ring, alerting her she wasn’t alone.
She should have locked it. Emma was always reminding her to lock it but somehow, she kept forgetting.
She set the tray on the cooling rack and walked into the darkened, empty diner. “Hey, sorry, we’re closed.” Her voice tapered off as the breath left her body. Dizziness weakened her knees and she lost focus for a moment.
She stared at Spencer and his, no their, son. Her mouth opened and closed in shock and she felt her body become bowed with pain. She extended a shaking hand and approached the two men who had changed her life so completely.
She swallowed, staring at Spence, seeking answers in his eyes but they remained hooded and closed.
“Hi,” she said, falling to her knees in front of the little boy with her hazel eyes and Spencer’s dark shock of hair.
“I’m Noah,” he said, holding onto his father’s hand with a white knuckled grip. “You’re my mom.”
Tears fell and words were unnecessary as Honor simply nodded. She touched his baby soft cheek with the backs of her fingers. “You’re beautiful,” she whispered, her voice catching with emotion.
Noah looked at her solemnly and used his chubby little boy hands to wipe at her cheeks.
“Boys aren’t beautiful,” he said on a whisper.
Honor choked out a watery laugh. “No, I guess not.”
Shock pulsed through her and she simply didn’t know what to do or where to put her hands. She wanted to hug this little boy with his soft cheeks and perfect replica of her nose.
“Moms always think their children are beautiful,” Spence said, hunkering down so the three of them were all on the same eye level.
Honor’s brow creased as the shock wore off and she began piecing recent events into some kind of order.
“How did you find me?”
“Emma told me,” Spencer said. He watched as Noah began playing with strands of Honor’s hair. “Let me lock the door. So we don’t get interrupted.”
Honor reached out to touch his wrist, holding him still. “Let me clean up my mess in the kitchen.”
Spence nodded. “We’ll help, right, bud?”
“You make the hummingbirds fly,” Noah said, wiping at her tears again. “Daddy, do you have your handkerchief? Mommy keeps crying.”
“The what, sweetheart?”
“Noah calls your sugar crystals hummingbirds because they flit around in wild colors,” Spence said, pulling a crisp white handkerchief from his back pocket and handed it to Honor.
Honor gasped, feeling a solid punch in the solar plexus, fighting to recover from the onslaught of information and emotion. More tears, more sobs, and she felt like she was falling through time and space.
“Yes,” she said, smiling at Noah through her tears. “I guess I am the one who makes the hummingbirds fly.”
The three of them made short order of cleaning the dishes and prepping the kitchen for the following morning. Or, Spence did. Honor and Noah couldn’t stop reaching for each other. Touching each other.
He’d made the right decision, he thought. Finally, he had made the right decision.
“Do you want to go to my folks’ house? Or we can talk here.”
Honor shook her head. Her last memories in that house were not good ones.
“Daddy, I’m tired,” Noah complained, rubbing his eyes.
“I know, bud. Let’s put you to bed.”
&nbs
p; “I’m staying with Emma,” Honor said. “Can we talk there?” She turned to Noah, offering him her hand. “Would you mind sharing a bed with my cat?”
“I love cats!” Noah said, pumping his fist with his last bit of energy. “Can I, Dad?”
“Sure, thing, Noah.” To Honor, he said, “Do you want me to follow you? Or do you want to drive with us?”
She didn’t ever want to be parted from her son again. Not even for the length of a short drive. She took a deep breath, trying to settle her nerves. The smart thing was to take her car so she wouldn’t have to beg a ride to come back in the morning. But as she turned the key in the lock, she found herself saying, “Yeah, I’ll drive with you.”
“Did you pack my books, Daddy,” Noah mumbled, fighting the urge to sleep.
“How about if I just tell you a story while I drive,” Spence suggested, brushing a kiss across his son’s little nose.
“Goldilocks and the bears,” Noah said.
Honor gasped and turned to look at her son. All those years ago, all those retellings of her favorite stories, had Noah somehow heard her? She smiled and touched his foot bouncing in the car seat. “I used to read that to you when you were in my tummy. But instead of Goldilocks finding porridge, I always had her find oatmeal cookies. Some too hot. Some too stale.”
“And some that were just right,” Noah exclaimed. “Do that, Daddy, Can you do that?”
“Sure thing,” Spence said, watching with amused eyes as his son relaxed into sleep with only the promise of a story.
They carried him into Emma’s apartment and settled him onto her twin bed. “Where will you sleep?” he asked.
Honor shook her head, still mesmerized by her son. She wanted to pinch herself but if this was a dream, she didn’t ever want to wake up. “I feel like I could stay awake for the rest of my life,” she whispered, brushing his soft hair away from his forehead. “But the couch pulls out. I can stay there.”
Together, they removed his shoes, covered him, and crept out of the room.
In the bright, garish light of the kitchen Honor was finally able to take a good look at the man Spence had become.
Tall and lean, he had filled out and, if possible, had become better looking. Suddenly nervous and aware in a way she hadn’t been since she was a teenager, she began rummaging for tea in Emma’s kitchen.
This was Emma. There had to be tea, somewhere.
There was no time for arousal, she thought. Too many things were unsaid and undecided.
But damn, he was hot.
“What happened?” Spencer said as she handed him a mug of hot tea.
“Uh,” Honor stared at him, wide eyed.
“Have you heard a word I’ve said?” Spencer asked with a grin.
“Yes. No. Maybe? What were we talking about?”
“What happened after I left? I have a lot of questions, too,” he said, taking a careful sip.
“You broke up with me and I found out I was pregnant after you’d already left for boot camp.”
“No, yeah, I figured that. I mean, after that. You tried to contact me but boot camp was hell. Life was crazy. And I couldn’t imagine why you’d want to talk to me after I had hurt you. Broken up with you. I didn’t want to re-hash all of that. I needed to focus. ”
“Why did you do that, Spence? I thought you loved me.” He had no idea of the bravery required to ask that. Abandoned by her father, unloved by her mother, she thought she had finally found true love only to have it, too, snatched away.
“I did. I guess I still do because without that we wouldn’t have had Noah and he’s worth everything. But, I was an idiot,” Spence admitted. “I let my dad convince me you were only temporary. That you wouldn’t stay and I always knew that after the Navy, my future was here, in Harper’s Mill.”
“And did you go back to Mandy?”
“No. I lied. I’m not proud of myself. I was mad at my dad and I guess I took it out on you.”
“You hurt me.”
Spencer looked at his feet. “I did. And I am deeply ashamed of myself.” He looked her in the eye and said, “I will spend the rest of my life in penance.” He swallowed, his fingers reaching out but falling short of touching her abdomen. “You carried my son. He grew. Inside of you. That’s amazing and I missed it because I was a fucking idiot.” He waved his hand. “And then you missed this. His first years. But he needs you.” Spence’s eyes grew moist with emotion. “I need you.”
Honor took a sip of tea to stall for time. So many questions – where to start? “So, what happened to you?”
“I graduated and took orders in San Diego. This is my first time back east since I left. I was shocked as hell when my folks followed me out and presented me with a son.”
Honor’s face hardened at the mention of his parents. “Where are they now? Your folks?”
“They’re in San Diego. But I don’t want to talk about them just yet.” He stared into his mug. “You started baking again,” he said.
“I did,” Honor agreed. “I was so lost for so many years, Spence. I gave up pretty much everything I enjoyed. And then, finally, I guess I couldn’t hit any lower. The doctor says sometimes breaking down is your only way to break through what holds you back.”
“Your baking brought up too many questions and I had to be sure this time. I’ve suspected my parents hadn’t told me the whole truth but I guess.” He sighed. “I guess it was easier to believe them than to face the truth.” He tugged at the pocket of Honor’s jeans, releasing sugar crystals into the air. “But it was time for the truth. Past time, I guess. So, I didn’t tell them where I was going. Figured they’d try to stop me.”
“I have so many questions,” Honor said, shrugging her shoulders. “I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Why don’t you tell me what happened up to Noah’s birth. And then I’ll fill in from there?”
Honor nodded and told her tale. Everything. From Steve and her mother to being boxed in by Ruthanne and Simon, Sr. Maddie’s role. She glossed over her depression and the lost years in Pennsylvania. She wasn’t that girl anymore and didn’t want to dwell there. That’s what Dr. Mills was for and she couldn’t wait to discuss this new development with him.
Anger pulsed at Spence as he thought of Honor alone, seeking help from his parents and having them turn their back on her.
He rose, paced the small confines of the living room. “That is fucking bullshit,” he swore as anger and fury hummed from his skin. “They stole Noah from you. From us! And I’m just supposed to be fucking okay with it?”
Honor heard Dr. Mills’ words of learning to forgive but she pushed them away, momentarily. She wasn’t ready to forgive just yet.
Spence pulled at the ends of his military short haircut and flexed his fingers. “How did you even handle this? I want to just punch something. Or someone.” Adrenaline pulsed in him with no relief. “How the hell are you this calm?” he said, practically shouting.
Honor stood and closed the door to Noah’s room. She watched Spence pace with aggravated, jerky steps.
“They betrayed us. They betrayed me – their own son. They tried to keep their own grandson from knowing the most important person in his life – his mother.” He sat then rose again almost instantly. “I don’t even know who they are anymore!”
He pulled his cell phone out of his back pocket and his eyes widened with surprise at the time displayed before remembering he was on the east coast. Honor’s hands touched his. “I need you here for us tonight,” she whispered. “For me. I was ruined when I lost Noah,” she said, craving a hug with every ounce of her body but unable to close the distance and make it happen. “I don’t want to talk about those years, though. Not tonight and maybe not ever with you. It’s hard enough working with my therapist,” she admitted.
“I’ve had so many years to be angry. Hurt. Furious. And I had no one to comfort me. Hold me. Tell me it’s going to be okay.” Tears threatened to spill again and she hugged herself, keeping the p
ain in. “I don’t want to be alone with this anymore,” she whispered, begging him to understand.
He tossed his phone on the couch and reached for her, enfolding her in his embrace. She sighed as she felt herself give in and collapse against him. “I loved him so much,” she finally said, her heart breaking and stitching anew with the knowledge that her son was in the next room. “I wanted what was best for him.”
“I know,” Spence said, pulling her tighter, holding her, imbuing her with his own strength. “I know, baby. And now he has us. Both of us.”
“Your name is on his birth certificate,” Spence said, reaching up to touch the glossy softness of Honor’s hair. “I don’t know what Aunt Maddie did or the part she played, but you are listed as his mom.”
“Oh. I wonder how that happened.”
“I don’t know. Maybe Aunt Maddie decided enough with Mom’s scheme. We can ask, but whatever happened, Honor, you’re his mother in truth and on paper.” He found that as he held her, she held him right back and the visceral burning anger began leaking away, leaving only residual hurt.
His parents still had a lot to answer for but he no longer felt the urge to punch his way through this dilemma.
“I didn’t want to give him up,” she whispered, pulling back to see his dark eyes. Spence pulled her closer into him, loathe to give up her warmth.
“I know. I’m so sorry, baby.” The words were useless but Spence still felt compelled to say them.
“You can’t take him away from me again,” she said, her voice fierce. “I will fight you, Spencer,” she swore, her eyes steady.
“We’ll work it out,” Spence said. “We’ll raise him together. We’ll work the details out, I promise. It’s late and we’re exhausted. But he’s our son and we’ll work it out.” He tugged a little bit tighter and Honor fell into him, shoulder shaking with emotion.
“You didn’t know?” she finally asked.
“Well, I obviously knew you were Noah’s mother. I tried calling Emma shortly after my parents showed up in San Diego with an infant, but she said she didn’t know where you’d gone.”
“She didn’t,” Honor confirmed. “After I delivered, I just picked a bus and didn’t much care where I went.”
Hummingbird Dreams: A Second Chance at Love (Harper's Mill Book 1) Page 7