Irresistible

by Bankes, Liz

“Enjoy your new girlfriend, pot washer,” says Jamie.

  Anger flashes across Dan’s face. “Well, you enjoy university, okay?”

  Jamie freezes, and then his eyes meet mine. We all stand there in silence.

  “Well, if we’re sharing …,” Jamie says slowly. He pulls his phone from his pocket, presses a few buttons, and then shows me the screen.

  It’s that picture. The one Kieran sent around his entire school.

  I feel sick. I chase him back to the pool house but stop at the window. He’s showing his phone to people. They’re pointing at the screen, slapping him on the back, some craning around to try to see. I’m shaking. It’s happened again, and, just like the first time, I’m completely powerless. People are looking at me. Judging me. And I have no control.

  My eyes are full of tears and I can’t see. I spin around and collide with Dan. His face is a mixture of anger and confusion as he tries to read my expression for clues. He tries to put his arms around me, but I push him away and run. I hear him calling after me as I stumble toward the parking lot and find Gabi. I run into her arms and she hugs me fiercely, even though she doesn’t know why.

  Chapter 33

  Jamie Elliot-Fox is toxic.

  I don’t write in my diary much. Gabi and I used to write them side by side when we were younger, so there’s lots of stuff like I secretly totally love Kieran Saunders. Don’t tell! and I luv Max Holmes and his sexy body! written about fifty times by Gabi.

  There’s some stuff in there from when I was going out with Kieran, but it’s all written like I thought someone was reading over my shoulder. It’s all about how we were soul mates and “knew each other inside out.” Nothing about feeling uncomfortable, secretly panicking, and sending naked pictures. I kept those parts in my head.

  But there’s no pretending with Jamie. He’s damaged, and I need to tell myself that. Just in case at some point I start to kid myself that he’s normal.

  “I’m with you there,” says Gabi, peering over my shoulder. “What a dickhead.”

  I take a deep breath. “Gabi?” I’ve rehearsed the story in my head. It’s going to start with, “I’ve been an idiot.”

  But she doesn’t hear me.

  “I don’t understand why anyone would go near him. Melanie and Simon and that leggy girl he’s going out with all need their heads examined. The girlfriend must either be stupid or just as evil as him.”

  The words evaporate from my tongue. “Yeah, I know.”

  “Mrs. Elliot-Fox? I need to cut down on my shifts.”

  Julia doesn’t look up from her desk. “Oh?”

  “Yeah, I’m getting tired, and I haven’t been getting any A-level reading done and …”

  “It’s encouraging to hear that A-Levels do at least require reading. Bring me the schedule when you’re done.”

  I take the schedule sheet out and lean it on the bar, crossing out my name in various squares.

  “Gin and tonic, please.”

  “Sorry, I don’t actually work on the bar—”

  Cleo laughs. “I didn’t ask for a chat. I asked for a gin and tonic.”

  I keep looking down at the schedule sheet. “I don’t work on the bar. I’m not eighteen. You know that.”

  “For fuck’s sake, I’ll get it myself.” She goes behind the bar and grabs the bottle of Tanqueray from the shelf. “You shouldn’t go shouting about your age,” she says. “I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to get your tits out before you’re eighteen either.”

  There’s a nastiness to her voice that I’ve heard directed at other people but never at me, and it hits me like a slap. A cold realization dawns that I haven’t been doing anything to earn her friendship. I don’t know what she knows, but I know that the wrong side of Cleo is not a safe place to be.

  I grab the schedule sheet and walk quickly to the door, my face burning. I try to compose myself in the corridor outside Julia’s office before going back in.

  When she looks over the sheet, she arches one of her eyebrows. “All the ones you’ve kept are those working with Dan,” she says.

  “I …” But I can’t think of anything to say.

  “Young love,” Julia says dryly. “Is there anything else? Because I have to find people to fill those shifts now.”

  “No, thank you. That was it.”

  When I’m nearly at the door, Julia says, “Your friend, the loud one …”

  “Gabi?”

  “She left this.” Julia holds up a customer comment card covered in Gabi’s bubbly handwriting. “Lots of pointers for me. Do convey my gratitude.”

  Jeff’s in his study planning lessons when I hover at the door and tell him that I’ve cut down on my shifts.

  “That’s good, love,” he says, not looking up.

  “I brought you some tea.”

  He turns around. “Oh, come here.”

  I shuffle over to him, and Jeff hugs me for the first time since I was about seven.

  “I’m sorry,” I mumble into his cardigan.

  “I’m made of strong stuff,” he says, giving me a squeeze. “You should hear some of the things my students have said to me. Now, if you want to be picked up from your late shifts, you just have to say so.”

  I nod.

  “Except for Wednesdays. Eric and I are going to trivia night. I thought I’d get myself one of those ‘social lives.’”

  I grin at him. As I leave, I realize Mom is standing on the stairs outside the study.

  She kisses me on the top of my head. “Thank you,” she says.

  “S’all right.” I smile at her and turn to go.

  “Ooh, wait,” she says, fishing something out of her bag. “I won this in the work summer raffle. Can you believe it? I’ve entered every year and never gotten more than an assortment of chocolates.”

  She hands me an envelope, which I open.

  “Oh my God!” I say. It’s a ticket to Paris.

  “So, do you want it? You said you and Dan were planning a trip.”

  “What? Are you serious? Don’t you and Jeff want it?”

  “Jeff took me to Paris on our first anniversary. Granny told me you spent the weekend in a rotten mood because we didn’t take you. It’s only fair!”

  I can’t wait to tell him. But for a moment, the wrong face flashes before my eyes.

  Chapter 34

  Dan pokes me with a wooden spoon. “Earth to Mia,” he says.

  “Sorry. I was daydreaming.”

  “What about?”

  “Nothing. Paris.”

  I haven’t told him about the tickets yet. I need to soon—he’s planning his route and might book the hostel or something.

  “Huh. Did you know there’s a zoo there?”

  He’s already on his way out the door. I run after him.

  “I did not. We’ll have to have a monkey day.”

  Coming out of the reception door, I realize Jamie’s sitting on the main steps. I don’t know if I even see him, but I feel him there.

  I grab Dan’s hand, trying to dispel the shameful thought that I’m doing what I yelled at him for. I swing his arm. Like a child, I think too late. Sooner or later he’s going to notice that nothing I do is normal.

  “We’ll do the art and shit, yah?”

  He laughs. “Yah, like the Louvre and shit. Totes.”

  Along the pathway to the park, I think I hear the crunch of feet behind us. I wonder if Jamie has followed us.

  The park opens out, and we’re at the part where there’s a line of trees on each side pointing back toward town. I stop and pull Dan back by his arm. I stand on tiptoe and press my lips onto his. We’d be in full view of the end of the path.

  Dan looks down at me with a half smile. With our hands still clasped, he runs his thumb along my knuckles. “What are you looking at?”

  I turn back. “Nothing.” I focus on his face. I try to imagine a bubble closing around us.

  “You know, Paris is just the start,” he says. “There’ll be Hawaii at the midterm
break. Chile at Christmas.”

  “Eastbourne at Easter when we run out of money.”

  “I love you a little bit, Mia.”

  He feels my hand tense and watches me apprehensively. The feeling in my chest is warm, like melting. But there’s something deeper. A buzz. The outlines of words, not fully formed. I fight it down and cling to the warmness.

  I put my arms around his neck and he stumbles backward, his back making contact with a tree. And I kiss him. Pressing against him and digging my fingers into his skin. I picture the bubble again. Just us.

  The buzz continues in the background. I don’t allow the words to form, but other things escape occasionally and move in front of my eyes.

  Bare legs touching in water.

  Pink sky.

  Teeth grazing my shoulder.

  Chapter 35

  I start scraping the food into the garbage can and loading the dishwasher. Dan called in sick today, so I’ve been half on kitchen duty and half in the restaurant. I’m beginning to regret saying that I would finish cleaning so that Andreas could go. My feet really hurt.

  When it’s finally clean and I think Jeff is probably already in the parking lot, I come out of the kitchen to get my phone and bag.

  Jamie’s standing there in the empty restaurant. “I’d like to talk to you.”

  The panic that gripped me when I first saw him is gradually transforming into a feeling of white-hot anger.

  “Why?” I feel my voice shaking. “Why the HELL would I want to talk to you?”

  “I need to explain some things.”

  I give a hollow laugh. “I really, really don’t see how you can.”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “I understand fine, thanks. You betrayed—no. You didn’t even betray my trust, because I never trusted you with anything.”

  His jaw clenches and his eyes narrow angrily. “I trusted you with something.”

  “You were just boasting. You can lie to anyone. Great. Well done. I hope that makes you happy, because it’s all you’ve got.”

  He moves closer, our eyes fixed on each other. “I’m not the only one whose relationship is a lie.”

  I walk forward. My heart is pounding. Everything about the way he’s standing there is fueling the burning rage that I can feel pulsing through my hands.

  “I hate you.”

  “I hate what you do to me,” he shouts back.

  And then his lips are on mine. We’re kissing, forcefully, almost hungrily. The anger flowing through every part of me has set me on fire. His hands move over my back, but not in the controlled way they did before—in a frenzied way, like he needs to touch me.

  We stumble backward and I land against a table. We move together again and I pull him closer, feeling the weight of him on my chest and between my legs. Cutlery is swept off the table and clatters to the ground. The friction of our clothes as he moves against me starts a buzz running through my body. Aching for him is almost painful.

  The shrill tone of the restaurant telephone blasts through the room. We stop abruptly and he lifts his head. We slowly sit up, looking at each other and trying to catch our breath.

  “Mia …”

  “Leave me alone.” I slide off the table and walk toward the phone, smoothing down my skirt.

  “Good evening, Radleigh Castle Restaurant. Mia speaking. How may I help you?”

  “Hi, love, it’s Jeff. You weren’t answering your phone. I’m outside.”

  Chapter 36

  There are noises coming from the pool house. A dull, angry ache goes through me as I think of them all in there. I clang the plates together as I pick them up off the table. Then I hear some squealing and a splash. I look over at the pool and see a massive white hat moving around with a person under it. It looks like it’s Dezzie who’s having the party rather than Jamie.

  I can’t lose the feeling of nervousness. I got asked to change my shift today at the last minute by Julia, so for the second day in a row I’m not working with Dan. There’s not much I can do. I can’t really tell her that I don’t trust myself to be on my own. Especially after yesterday.

  So far tonight there’s been no sign of him. Or Cleo. I’ve been willing the hours to go by quickly so I can escape without seeing either of them.

  And I feel treacherous that I can’t help looking around for him as I walk through to reception to meet Jeff, but he doesn’t appear.

  Jeff is sitting there in silence while Andy, who handles the nighttime reception duty, just stares at him. He jumps up when I arrive, and we start out across the gravel to the parking lot.

  I can make out the Volvo in the gloom. And a familiar silhouette standing next to it.

  I want to scream in frustration. But then I look more closely. I think he’s carrying someone.

  As we near the car, I see Jeff squinting too. “Who’s … ? Excuse me? Who are you?”

  I’m now close enough to see that Jamie is holding Dezzie. And she’s unconscious. He has an expression of pure panic. He looks briefly at Jeff, but speaks to me.

  “Please … Can you help? I think she’s taken something. I need to get her to a hospital.”

  “Good Lord,” says Jeff. “We should call an ambulance.”

  “Can we meet it somewhere?” says Jamie. “If my parents find out she’s been near drugs, they’ll … I can’t drive her. I’ve been drinking.” His voice dries up.

  “Right. Okay. Right,” says Jeff. “Okay. Get in.”

  I meet Jamie’s eye as I walk around the car, but it seems like he’s looking right through me.

  Jeff revs the engine as Jamie lays Dezzie out on the back seat so that her head is in his lap.

  “Oh, I’ll just take you there. It will be quicker,” mutters Jeff.

  “I didn’t know who else to ask,” says Jamie quietly. He stares at Dezzie the whole way there.

  I watch him in the side mirror. He looks terrified. I would be too, if anything bad happened to Matthew. I wonder if that’s what Jeff is thinking. His knuckles have turned white on the steering wheel. I’ve never seen him drive this fast. Usually he makes a point of going ten miles per hour below the speed limit.

  Near the hospital is a whole confusion of one-way streets and ambulance-only routes, so Jamie gets out and starts carrying Dezzie to the entrance while we try to navigate our way to the parking lot.

  Jeff goes to pay, and when he leans back into the car to put the ticket in the window, I burst into tears.

  “Hey,” he says, putting his hand on my shoulder. “She’ll be fine. A stomach pump at most, I imagine. She wouldn’t be the first.”

  I nod, but keep on crying. I don’t tell him I’m crying about everything. Everything that’s happened since I started this job. I’m even crying with shame at the fact that I’m still upset about my selfish little dramas when something real like this is going on.

  Jeff stays there, half out of the car with one knee on the seat, rubbing my back for a while. He must be really uncomfortable. Then he goes to see what’s going on.

  I sit, waiting in the car, barely moving.

  Jeff comes back first, saying he couldn’t find them. He looks around worriedly, with his hand on the side of the car, but then we see them both walking back through the parking lot.

  Dezzie is walking, but she looks shaky and upset. It was just alcohol, apparently, no drugs. Dezzie protests in a small voice that she didn’t have very much, and Jeff replies, “For someone of your size, it doesn’t need to be very much.”

  On the drive back to Radleigh, Dezzie sits hugging her knees and looking out the window.

  “You can sleep in the pool house. If any of your stupid little friends are still there, I’m kicking them out,” says Jamie darkly.

  As they’re climbing back out of the car, Jamie puts his hand on the back of Jeff’s seat. “Thank you, Jeff.”

  Then he looks over at me. His eyes are shining, all of the usual performance stripped away.

  “I hope she’s okay,” I say qui
etly.

  He nods, and is gone.

  An hour later, I’m in bed in my pajamas. Awake.

  My phone buzzes.

  I’m outside. Can you let me in?

  As I’m opening the front door, Jeff appears at the top of the stairs.

  “Jamie, you’re back,” he says groggily.

  “Hattie and Harri are keeping a vigil at her bedside.” Jamie’s voice is croaky. “There wasn’t room at the pool house. And I felt … a bit …”

  “In need of some tea?” says Jeff.

  Five minutes later Jamie is presented with a mug. Jeff says that he can stay over.

  “On the sofa,” he adds as he goes up the stairs.

  I listen to the pad of his slippers as he gets to the bedroom and can’t help smiling for a second when I catch Jamie’s eye.

  Chapter 37

  “Can you sit with me while I drink my tea?”

  “Um, yeah.”

  I sit on the edge of the chair opposite the sofa and look past him. Thoughts are whizzing back and forth in my brain faster than I can process them.

  “I didn’t show the photo of you,” he says suddenly.

  I look at him then. “I saw you.”

  He shakes his head. “It was a video. Just some random crap I found. The kind of thing that amuses them.”

  “Cleo brought it up the next day. I thought it was because you’d shown everyone.”

  “I did show her,” he admits. “On the day I got Kieran to give it to me. She defended you. Said I was a sick, twisted bastard.”

  “You are,” I mutter.

  “I’ve deleted it,” he says. “You can check.” He slides his phone across the floor. I don’t pick it up. It’s easier to hate him.

  “I don’t know why I’m like this.”

  I look up at him. His eyes are glistening. He frowns and swallows. “I don’t know—” His voice cracks.

  I dig my fingernails into my knees. I don’t want to look at him. Something I’ve been keeping hidden is breaking through. Something fierce and powerful. I can feel it humming in my chest, and I want to drown it out.

  I keep looking at the floor. I don’t know if he’s looking at me or not.