by B. B. Hamel
As I’m sitting there feeling sorry for myself, there’s a buzz at my door. It takes me a second before I realize that it’s someone at the intercom. I get up and walk over to it with a slight frown. “Hello?” I say into it.
“Hi honey.”
I’m immediately taken aback. I didn’t know my mom was in town, let alone at my front door. She didn’t call or text, which isn’t a huge shock, since she never does. But still.
“Hi mom,” I say. “Come up.”
I quickly go straighten myself up a little bit in the few seconds it’ll take her to get to my apartment door. At least she buzzed this time, most people just barge right in and bang away until I answer, or at least that’s what Connor does, so this is a refreshing change of pace.
There’s a knock just as I’m heading back into the living room. I open the door and my mom smiles back at me. She’s thin, almost gaunt, with deep green eyes and extremely short hair. She smiles and hugs me right away.
“Hi honey,” she says again. “It’s so good to see you.’
“It’s good to see you too.” I suddenly feel like a little kid again, which is strange, considering I have a little kid of my own sleeping just one room over.
We come into the kitchen and she sits at the table. “Want anything?” I ask her.
“Just some water, if you wouldn’t mind.”
I get her a glass and pour one for myself. I sit down across from her. “I didn’t know you were in the city.”
“I wasn’t,” she says, a little absently. My parents live in the suburbs, about an hour and a half from Philly itself. They don’t normally come in like this, without any notice at all. In fact, I don’t think this has ever happened before.
Which puts me a little on edge. With everything else happening, this has to mean something.
“So why are you here then, mom? You didn’t call.”
She shrugs a little bit and drinks her water. “I just wanted to check on my daughter. Is that so strange?”
“Yes,” I say, frowning. “It really is.”
She laughs like I’m joking, which I’m not. “Where’s the baby?”
“He’s asleep,” I say. “And he’s not really a baby, you know.”
She waves that away. “I know he’s not.”
My parents haven’t showed much interest in Ryan and I know they didn’t approve of me taking him on. My father tried to talk me out of it briefly, but when I made it clear that I was going through with it, they basically both shut down and didn’t say anything else. They haven’t been cold, not exactly anyway, but they haven’t gone out of their way to check in on me or really to ask about Ryan at all.
It’s not that they’re bad people, but they don’t want me getting involved with the Gallos. I keep promising that I’m not, but taking on their grandson probably seems like I am. They live so far outside of the city because they want to put as much distance between them and the Gallos as possible, and I don’t really blame them. There was some bad blood between our families years ago, although that’s all blown over now as far as I know.
Well, I guess I’m reigniting that whole thing.
“We got a call,” my mom says suddenly.
“Yeah?” I take a breath. “I guess that’s the real reason you’re here.”
“Oh, honey, no. I’m here to check on you.”
“I’m doing fine,” I say, “although you haven’t asked.”
She smiles a little bit. “I haven’t? Well, how’s the baby?”
“He’s fine. Can we talk about that call?”
She sighs. “It was from Aunt Philomena.”
I shudder a little bit. That’s Philomena Gallo, the wife of Mario Gallo and my mother’s sister. My mother and her sister couldn’t be more different, although they grew up in the same row home in Kensington all those years ago.
“I didn’t think you two spoke,” I hedge.
“We don’t.” She gives me a look. “You know why she called.”
“No, I don’t,” I say, getting angry. “Did you drive all the way down here to tell me?”
“Honey,” she says softly. “He’s their boy.”
Anger flares up even hotter. “He’s mine,” I say to her.
“Philo was just concerned. She thinks you’re too young to be taking care of a little boy like Ryan. And you have no experience dealing with children, you’re practically a child yourself. She said—”
“Are you two close now?” I ask, sneering at her.
“Honey,” she says. “It’s not like that. I’m just concerned for you.”
“I’m not giving him to them, mom,” I say. “Why would you even consider it?”
“They aren’t as bad as they were,” she says, looking away, and I know she doesn’t mean it. “Philo promised they’re going legit. They won’t let Ryan get involved in anything untoward.”
“You’re delusional,” I say. “Did she threaten you?”
“No, no, of course not,” my mother says, waving that away, which makes me think she’s lying. “Of course not.”
“If Aunt Philomena calls again, you can tell her that the Gallos will never get Ryan. Do you understand me?” I try to say it with as much force as possible to make sure that she hears.
She looks frightened suddenly. “Leah, please,” she says, leaning toward me, her voice now a whisper. “Do what they want, okay? I don’t want to see you get hurt. Honey, they can hurt you.”
“I know they can,” I say, horrified at the pathetic note in her voice. “I’ll take that risk.”
She reaches out and takes my hand and I can practically feel the fear on her like a buzz. I shudder and look into her eyes as she stares at me in naked worry.
“Don’t do anything stupid, okay?” she says. “They just want to raise the boy. You don’t have to do this.”
I pull my hand away and cross my arms. “I think you should go.”
She looks like I punched her in the gut. “Please, Leah. Just listen.”
“Get out,” I say, my voice rising. “Go tell the Gallos I’m not doing what they want. I thought you and dad would be proud. You two used to have a spine.”
She looks like I hit her for a second before she slowly gets up. She walks over to the door and I feel really bad for what I said. Clearly, I hit a nerve, but I can’t take it back now.
She pauses and looks at me again. “I’m sure he’s a nice boy, but you’re my kid, and I care about you,” she says. “Give him up and don’t make trouble for yourself. It’s just not worth it.”
She opens the door and leaves without another word.
I’m left at the kitchen table, fuming. I don’t know what my aunt said to her to make her come all the way out here like that, but it couldn’t have been good. She’s rattled and afraid for me, and I can’t really get upset about that, but still. I’m angry that I’m assaulted on all sides by people that want to take my boy away from me.
Another knock at my door pulls me from my thoughts. I assume it’s my mom, coming back to say something else. I get up and open it, letting my anger gather and spill over.
“What now?” I snap, but instead of my mom looking back at me, it’s Connor.
He grins at me. “Hey there.”
I look away, suddenly ashamed of my anger, although I’m still feeling plenty of that for him.
“I thought you were someone else.”
He hesitates. “Was that… was that your mom I passed?”
I shrug and walk inside. “Yeah, it was.”
“I didn’t know she’d be here. You look like her.”
“I guess.” I sit down at the table. He shuts the door behind him and follows me in.
“What did she want?” he asks. “Just a friendly visit?”
“She wants me to give Ryan up to the Gallos.”
He freezes and his eyes go wide. “What?” he asks.
“She’s related to Mario’s wife, which is how I’m Harper’s cousin. I guess Mario’s wife called her, said some things, probabl
y threatened her.” I sigh and look away from him, not able to meet his gaze. “She’s just worried about me.”
“And she’s not worried about my son?”
I look back at him, eyes flashing. “Ryan’s her grandson too.”
He softens a little bit. “I know that. I’m sorry.”
“Look, she means well, okay? I told her I’ll never do it, but I understand where she’s coming from at least. She’s worried about me.”
“She should be,” he says softly, sitting down at the table.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He watches me for a moment without speaking and I can feel a chill run down my spine. For some reason, I think something is about to change, something profound, but I can’t tell what.
“Listen, there’s a reason I showed you my house,” he says softly. “I’m sorry that it didn’t go well, but I didn’t get a chance to ask you something.”
“What?” I feel irrationally afraid, and for a second I think he’s going to want to marry me. That would solve all our problems, after all. He’d be Ryan’s father and I’d still be his mother, and we wouldn’t have to worry about anything else. The Gallos wouldn’t be able to take him away, or at least not so easily.
The odd thing is, I find myself ready to say yes. It’ll solve all our practical problems, but it’ll also solve something else. I feel like it would fill that odd void inside of me, that piece of me that’s missing. For a second, I think that he’s my dream man, and he’s going to make me his wife. We’ll raise our child together and live happily ever after. I’ll be the mom to Ryan and the wife to Connor that Harper never could.
“You should come live with me.”
I raise an eyebrow. It’s not exactly a proposal, but it’s equally strange. “Why?” I blurt, not thinking about it.
He grins at me. “Well, for a few reasons. First, this place is nice, but it’s small.”
“It’s not that small,” I say.
“Okay, it’s fine, but listen. We can give Ryan more space at my place. You can have your own room and so can he. Heck, you can have the third floor, if you want.”
I bite my lower lip. “You’re just trying to get closer to him.”
He sighs. “Of course I am,” he says softly. “But Leah, I’m not taking him away. I want you both to move in, because I think I can protect you both better that way.”
That makes me pause. “Protect us?”
“The Gallos aren’t going to stop and we both know it,” he says. “I can’t be here all day long every day, but if we lived together then maybe I can help better. I’d be around more, and we can have a security system.”
I take a breath and laugh a little. “I doubt a security system will keep the Gallos out,” I say.
He grins. “Yeah, well. We can have it anyway.”
“So, what, you’re serious? You want both of us to move in?”
“Yes,” he says. “I don’t want Ryan without you.” He leans forward and he takes my hand like my mother did. Except with him, I don’t want to snatch it away. “You’re his mother. You need to be with him.”
I meet his gaze and I believe him. I believe that he’s thinking of what’s best for Ryan and for me. I believe that he’s not plotting to tear us apart. I believe it all, and I know I’m totally screwed.
“How’s this going to work?” I ask him softly.
“I don’t know,” he admits. “But we’ll figure it out.”
“Are you sure you want me?”
He nods. “I’m sure.”
A chill runs down my spine. I meant to make sure that he wants me to move in, but there’s something in his voice saying that he wants more than that.
And I’d be lying if I didn’t consider it. We’d be in the same house, just feet away from each other at all times. I could sneak into his room, or he could sneak into mine. We could shower together, eat together, sleep together… I could feel him whenever I wanted it.
That’s a dangerous thought because of how seductive it is.
“Okay,” I say. “I’ll do it.”
He grins even bigger. “Really?”
“Really. I don’t know how I’m going from mad at you to moving in with you in the span of like an hour or two, but whatever. Let’s do it.”
“Great,” he says, squeezing my hand and letting it go. “We can start moving your stuff tomorrow. You can get Ryan settled when you’re ready.”
“I just have one condition,” I say quickly before he can go overboard. “Ryan’s schedule and all that, it’s still up to me. We’re living under your house, but I’m the boss when it comes to him. Okay?”
“Okay,” he agrees, and then he smirks at me. “You’re the boss.”
I look away and feel a blush coming on. I want to run away from him, but instead I’m running toward him. Maybe it’s a mistake, but it’s a mistake I’m going to make.
Because the Gallos are coming. The way my mother looked at me deeply disturbed me, and I know it’s only a matter of time before threats turn into actions. Connor’s right about one thing, if I’m under his roof, he can protect me more easily. More than that though, he can protect Ryan, and that’s what really matters.
So even if I don’t want to move in there and give Connor even more of a chance to steal Ryan way, I know I have to do what’s right for my son. I’m a mother now, and that’s how mothers think. He comes first, even if I don’t love it.
For a brief moment, I can understand why my mother showed up here like she did. And I hope that she understands why I threw her out, and why I’ll never let Ryan out of my sight.
“I can’t wait to get started,” Connor says, and I smile up at him, fear and excitement warring inside of me.
16
Connor
It’s been a long time since I’ve shared my living space with a woman, and I almost forgot what it’s like.
It takes us a few days to really get her settled. Since my place is pretty much furnished, she leaves most of that in her apartment. She mainly moves her bedroom over, and claims the room next to Ryan’s although I offer her the whole third floor.
It doesn’t feel too different at first, at least until I realize that they’re not going anywhere. Leah comes home from work with Ryan and we go through his routine. He seems to like living in my place, and fortunately it doesn’t disrupt his habits too much.
I suspect he’s used to being moved around all the time, but I try not to think about that too much. Leah mostly keeps out of my way, and disappears into her room for the first few nights.
I don’t feel insulted. She’s coming to grips with this strange relationship we’re building and I don’t want to pressure her any more than I already have. I’m pretty sure we’re way beyond her normal comfort zone at this point, but I think she’s trying to do what’s best for Ryan, even if she’s afraid of it.
Which makes me want her even more. She’s such a good person, sacrificing her own desires for Ryan. He’s not even her own biological son and yet she’s treating him like he’s flesh and blood. I think a lot of people would forgive her if she couldn’t handle this momentous task, but she’s doing her best and keeping it all together.
On the fifth night, Ryan goes to bed early and Leah hustles upstairs like normal. I just smile and say goodnight to her, but this time I can’t stop thinking about how she’s right up above me. I could walk up the stairs and see her if I wanted to.
I get up and pace a little bit, trying to decide. I drink a beer in the back yard for like a half hour, wrestling with myself, trying to decide if I should just go up there and talk to her. Eventually she’s going to have to accept that we’re living together, and it would be so much better for everyone if she’d at least sit downstairs with me and acknowledge that fact once in a while.
I decide just to go for it after some thought. Worst case scenario, she’s annoyed and stays locked in her room, but I don’t think so. I catch the way she looks at me, I know how she feels. I know what she wants. She�
�s just still trying to come to grips with it.
I head upstairs, trying not to think too much of it. As I head back toward her room, the bathroom door suddenly opens, and there’s Leah, her hair wet, just a towel wrapped around her.
She stares at me for a second. “Uh, sorry,” she says.
I raise an eyebrow. “Don’t be sorry. I didn’t know you were showering.”
“Right.” She glances at her bedroom door. “I should get dressed.”
“Yeah, I guess.” I stop toward her, heart beating fast. I remember showering with her, kissing her, feeling her body. Every time we get close to that again, something happens to push us apart, but this time I’m not letting it go down that way.
She looks at me and bites her lower lip. “Connor,” she says.
“What?”
“I don’t think you should come closer.”
I stop right there, but I’m barely a foot away. “Why not?”
“Because.” She looks down. “Things are complicated enough.”
“I think you like complicated.” I take a step closer. “I think you want complicated.”
She takes a deep breath. “Maybe,” she admits, letting it out. “God, I didn’t know that about myself.”
“I think I can teach you even more.’
Her eyes meet mine and I grin at her. I know what she’s thinking right now.
“Like what?” she asks.
I step closer and reach out for her. She doesn’t flinch away when I pull her against me. I half turn and push her up against the wall, only the towel between me and her damp, naked body.
She’s breathing fast, eyes wide, staring into mine. I know what she’s thinking. My hands stay on her hips. “We’re living in the same house now,” I say softly. “We might as well try and enjoy it.”
“Enjoy it?” she asks, head cocked.
“Right.” I put my lips against her neck. She groans a little.
“How?”