#5 Not What I Expected

by Laurie Friedman

  Everyone knew about his party and that mostly upperclassmen were invited. I’m sure she was wondering how I got invited. “Harry,” I said. “And Sophie.” I debated telling Brynn that part. There hadn’t been any issues with her and Sophie since I’d talked to Brynn about it, and I’d like to keep it that way. But still, I didn’t want to lie about who I was going with.

  Brynn winced. “Do you think it’ll be fun, you know, since there won’t be many freshmen there?” She shrugged. “I don’t know. If it were me, it seems like it would be weird.”

  I couldn’t tell if she was genuinely concerned, or upset that she wasn’t invited, or jealous I was going to be with Sophie on Halloween. I wanted to change the subject. “What are you doing?” I asked.

  She smiled. “Billy and I are staying in.” She emphasized the words as she said them, then looked at me. “Know what I mean?”

  “Yeah,” I said, though I wasn’t completely sure I did. I didn’t like thinking about what it meant that Brynn and Billy were staying in together on Halloween.

  I’m also not sure I liked her response about the party. At first, it didn’t really bother me, but I thought about it all the way home. It feels like, by saying I wouldn’t have fun, she was putting some kind of Halloween hex on me.

  Well, everyone knows there’s no such thing as hexes.

  Are there?

  Just when we think we’ve figured things out, the universe throws us a curveball.

  —Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

  Halloween, 6:45 p.m.

  Getting ready

  I can’t decide if I should wear ripped blue jeans with a black top, black jeans with a black top, or black jeans with an orange top. I just asked May (because she happened to come into my room while I was trying to decide), who said I should wear the ripped blue jeans with an orange top, which technically wasn’t one of the choices, but part of me thinks she might be right (even though she’s never right when it comes to clothes). Since Mom is a fashion designer I’m going to the kitchen to ask her what she thinks I should wear.

  7:17 p.m.

  Back from the kitchen

  I’m back from the kitchen, and there was no point in going. When I asked Mom what she thought I should wear to the party, she pursed her lips like she was actually considering my question (which it turns out wasn’t the case). Before she could answer, June put in her two cents. “I think you should wear a pirate costume or go as a ghost.”

  Mom unpursed her lips. “April, do you really think it’s a good idea to go to this party?”

  I’d already been over this with Mom and Dad, and I didn’t think I should have to do it again, especially when I had more important things to be doing, like getting ready. “I think it’s a great idea. I’m going with Harry and Sophie. Aren’t you happy I’m spending time with family?”

  Mom shook her head like that wasn’t the issue. “It’s just that there will be older kids there. I’ve heard these parties can get pretty out of control.”

  I let out a breath and tried to stay patient. I knew if I got frustrated Mom would take it as a sign that I wasn’t “mature” enough to go. “Mom, don’t worry. I’ll be careful. I promise.”

  That seemed to get the job done because after a long lecture about the dangers of underage drinking and the importance of not succumbing to peer pressure, Mom agreed (even though she’d already agreed) that I could go, which was great, though it didn’t answer the what-should-I-wear question.

  The answer is I’m going with black and black. Sophie just called and said that’s what she’s wearing and that one thing she learned from living in New York is that you can never go wrong with all black. Then she said tonight should be really fun and that she can’t wait to go.

  Neither can I. Happy Halloween! I’m going to a party!!!

  8:32 p.m.

  Group text

  Harry: Be there in 5.

  Sophie: Where?

  Sophie: My house?

  Me: Or my house?

  Sophie: ???

  Me: ???

  Harry: April.

  Me: What?

  Harry: Your house first.

  Me: OK. See ya.

  Sophie: Hurry!

  Harry: Ur annoying.

  Sophie: WHO???

  Harry: Both of you.

  Me: Hurry up!

  Sophie: Yeah!

  Harry: Chill!

  Sophie:

  Me:

  Harry: It’s Halloween.

  Me:

  Sophie:

  Sophie: Stop texting and hurry up!

  Harry: I’m coming.

  Harry:

  Saturday, November 1, 10:57 a.m.

  Sophie just left

  Worst Halloween ever

  I can’t believe I was so excited to go to the party last night. It was literally the worst Halloween ever (and last Halloween, when all my friends were mad at me for kissing Matt when Billy and I were together, was pretty awful). I should have taken it as a sign when Mom tried to talk me out of going to the party. Actually, it was like a third sign. Leo had tried to talk me out of it first. Then Brynn said it didn’t sound like fun. Then Mom. I should have listened to one of them.

  I could sugarcoat it (dumb Halloween reference) and write about the good parts of the night that led up to the bad part. I did have fun walking to the party with Harry and Sophie, ringing doorbells to get candy, then joking around as we threw candy to each other and tried catching it in our mouths. But what’s the point when what happened when we got to the party overshadowed all that?

  At first, everything was cool. Mark’s backyard was packed. Some seniors, but mostly juniors and sophomores, and a few kids from my class. Sophie and Harry and I were all hanging out. After a while, Harry drifted off with some friends and kind of disappeared.

  Sophie and I were talking to the kids who were there from our grade when Chase Campbell, a junior on the football team and widely considered to be the hottest guy at school, started talking to Sophie. I could tell Sophie wasn’t that into him, but he was telling her some long story about something that happened at a game, and she couldn’t really walk off while he was in the middle of it. I felt like a third wheel just standing there, so I walked off.

  I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I didn’t want it to look like I didn’t have anyone to talk to so I just started walking like I had somewhere to go. I walked to the back of Mark’s yard. There were a bunch of trees and a tool shed, so I thought I could kind of hang out there undetected while Sophie talked to Chase, but that turned out to be a HUGE mistake.

  Matt Parker was there, making out with Libby Walker, a cheerleader in his class. He was sitting on the ground with his back against the tool shed and Libby was sitting in his lap facing him. Her back was to me, and Matt’s hands were on her butt. I couldn’t see her face, or his, but I could tell by the way the way they were kissing that they were into it.

  It wasn’t like I wanted to be looking at them, but I couldn’t help it. I just stood there staring. Then the worst thing happened. Matt and Libby stopped kissing for a second, and when they did, he looked up like he wanted to make sure no one else was back there, and he saw me standing there watching them. Our eyes locked. He stared at me for a few seconds, then he went back to kissing Libby like I wasn’t even there.

  I felt the party spinning around me. I went back to where Sophie was talking to Chase, and several of his teammates had joined them. My heart was racing as they talked. It’s one thing to see Matt on my street while I’m walking my dog or at school while I’m trying to open my locker, but it’s a whole other thing to see him at a party making out with another girl.

  “What do you think?” I heard Sophie’s voice. Everyone was looking at me like I was supposed to answer the question. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

  “Is she a mute for Halloween?” some guy asked. People laughed.

  Sophie took my arm. “Excuse us,” she said and led me to the bathroom. When we got there, I sank
down onto the floor. Sophie sat down beside me and I told her about seeing Matt kissing Libby and how he saw me watching them.

  “You didn’t do anything wrong,” said Sophie. “If people make out at a party, there’s a good chance other people are going to see them.”

  “I know. But why did I have to stand there staring? It was so embarrassing.” Sophie looked at me. I think she got that embarrassment wasn’t the only issue. She leaned against me, and we sat quietly like that for a long time. Finally, Sophie broke the silence. “I called my dad. He’s not coming for Thanksgiving.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said. I put my head on her shoulder.

  We didn’t move until someone started banging on the door. “Want to go?” she asked.

  I nodded and we left the party. As we walked home, I asked Sophie about her conversation with her dad. “I don’t want to talk about it,” she said. Then she changed the subject and talked about boys and how they can be jerks and that Matt is at the top of that list.

  “He saw me looking at him. That’s just so embarrassing.”

  Sophie laughed. “He’s the one who should be embarrassed.”

  She was trying to cheer me up. In my head, I knew what she was saying was true, but I couldn’t help that it hurt seeing him with another girl.

  Sophie and I had already planned to have a sleepover after the party. When we got to my house, we went to my room and got in bed, but I couldn’t sleep. I was tossing and turning and thinking about what I saw at the party. Then, the all-too-familiar sounds of my parents arguing drifted into my room from their room across the hall. It was bad enough listening to my parents fight, but worse that Sophie had to hear them too.

  “Sorry,” I said even though I hadn’t done anything wrong.

  “It’s OK,” said Sophie. “Boys suck and so do parents.”

  It was a such a dark, out-of-character comment from Sophie, but it had a lullaby effect on me, and I think her too, because we both closed our eyes.

  I don’t even remember falling asleep.

  The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it.

  —Peter Pan

  Saturday, November 1, 11:47 a.m.

  In my room

  Harry just called. I’m not sure if it’s because Sophie called him when she left and told him he should or if he just thought he should. “I saw Matt and Libby last night,” he said without wasting any time on hellos. “Is that why you left?” he asked.

  “Yep.”

  “Matt’s a jerk,” said Harry.

  I let out a breath. “You’ve said that before.”

  “And I was right.”

  Harry was trying to make me feel better. I appreciated his loyalty, and he was right. Matt is a jerk. But he has a sweet side too. He was so cute when he asked me out that day at the beach and when he used to hang out with me and my sisters and do things like rake pine needle houses or play Monopoly.

  I don’t even know why I’m thinking about all that. Whether Matt is a jerk or sweet, or some of both, doesn’t erase the fact that I watched him make out at a party with another girl.

  That hurt.

  Sunday, November 2, 6:45 p.m.

  In a downward spiral

  While I was walking Gilligan today, Matt came outside. He didn’t have Matilda with him, so it wasn’t like he went outside to walk his dog. He caught up to me like he had something he wanted to say to me. For once, he spoke first. “It was kind of creepy how you were staring at Libby and me.”

  I couldn’t believe what he’d said or that he used the word creepy to describe me. Creepy was being confronted on my street when I was walking my dog. “I wasn’t staring at you.” I wanted my words to sound angry, not defensive. I’m not sure Matt picked up on it.

  He shrugged. “It seemed like you were.”

  I couldn’t believe how insensitive he was being. “I wasn’t staring. I was surprised. I wasn’t expecting to see you at a party making out with another girl.”

  Matt pursed his lips. “You know we broke up.”

  “I know,” I said with a big nod—like, of course I know. Then I grabbed Gilligan by the leash, turned, and walked home.

  There were a lot of things I should have said. I’m glad. You’re a jerk. Wish we’d never gone out in the first place. But I didn’t. I think I was too shocked. It was the most Matt Parker had ever had to say.

  I never thought I’d say this, but I like him more when he’s quiet.

  8:17 p.m.

  Things just keep getting worse. When I got out of the shower, Mom was in my room sitting on my bed. “April, can you come into the den, please? Dad and I would like to talk to you.”

  “I have a towel on.” I gestured to the water still dripping down from my hair.

  “Dry off and put on your pajamas,” said Mom. “We’ll be waiting.”

  When I got there, May and June were already sitting on the couch. I sat beside them and eyed my parents. Mom and Dad were both standing, and Dad had his arms crossed. They both looked tense, especially Dad. “Why are we having a family conference?” I asked.

  Mom looked like she was glad someone had asked that question, though my intention hadn’t been to be helpful. I mainly just wanted out of there.

  “Girls, your father and I want to talk to you,” said Mom. “I have an opportunity to present my line to a store in Atlanta at the end of the month. It would be a huge deal if they carry my clothes.” She paused and looked at Dad. His face was expressionless.

  This was old news to me.

  Mom continued. “It’s going to mean a lot of work for me over the next few weeks. I’m going to need all of you to pitch in and help out.” Then, as she talked about how she would be working day and night to get the clothes ready in time, and that it would mean I’d be taking care of May and June while she was at the store and Dad was at the diner, my mind blanked. I don’t even know what all she said.

  “Got it?” I heard Mom say. She was done talking and looking at me.

  “I got it,” I said.

  But it doesn’t mean I like it.

  Monday, November 3, 11:14 a.m.

  Study Hall

  This morning I was at my locker when I saw Matt walking down the hall toward me. He actually slowed down as he got closer to me. I’d like to believe he was going to stop and apologize for what he said last night. But I have no idea what he was going to say because I didn’t give him an opportunity. Right when he passed me, I looked down like I was busy dealing with my lock and didn’t see him. I should have looked up. Not so much to hear what he had to say, but to tell him what I was thinking, which is that what Harry said about him is true. But I didn’t.

  Guess I wasn’t in the mood.

  3:35 p.m.

  Feeling like a loser

  I told Sophie what happened this morning at my locker. “I should have said something when I had the chance.”

  “It’s not the kind of conversation you have at your locker before school,” she said.

  I agreed with her, but I think the real reason I didn’t talk to Matt is because I know he won’t care what I have to say.

  I don’t like him anymore, but seeing him with someone else made me wonder what went wrong when we went out. Was he pissed I went to summer camp? Or that I didn’t let him touch my boobs? Maybe that’s why he was with Libby. Did she let him touch her boobs? At a party? Does it make me a loser that I wouldn’t do that? I don’t think it does.

  So why do I feel like one?

  Wednesday, November 5, 6:05 p.m.

  Babysitting

  Maybe the reason I feel like a loser is because I am one. When I got home from dance, Mom asked me to babysit. “You can heat up the leftover meatloaf from last night,” she said.

  “Can we eat in front of the TV?” asked May.

  “Can we watch SpongeBob?” asked June.

  Technically, I’m not sure what the definition of a loser is, but someone who eats leftover meatloaf on the couch with her little sisters while w
atching a show about a demented sponge can’t be far off.

  Thursday, November 6, 7:10 p.m.

  Babysitting

  Again

  When I got home from dance, Mom asked me if I could babysit again. It was a repeat performance of last night.

  Only difference: lasagna instead of meatloaf.

  Friday, November 7, 8:45 p.m.

  In a rut

  Tonight makes my babysitting average three for three.

  While most kids my age are at football games or parties on a Friday night, I’m home babysitting and eating grilled cheese sandwiches. Which isn’t the worst thing in the world because we’re having tomato soup with the sandwiches, which is the most exciting thing I can think to write about.

  Sad. Very sad.

  Saturday, November 8, 2:45 p.m.

  Feeling sick

  We had an extralong dance practice this morning. We’re in full practice mode since the dance show is at the end of the month. I was completely exhausted because I couldn’t fall asleep until after two. I could barely follow the steps of the freshman modern dance we’re working on for the show. Ms. Baumann called me out twice and during our break. I was so relieved when practice ended. All I wanted to do was go home and take a nap.

  But as I was leaving, Brynn caught up to me. “Are you OK?” she asked.

  “Yeah,” I said. “I’m just tired.”

  Brynn shook her head like she knew that wasn’t it. “You can’t fool me,” she said. “We’ve been best friends for a long time. Did something happen?”

  It made me feel good she knew me well enough to ask, so I told her what happened at the party and how Matt confronted me on the street. “That sucks,” she said. Then she changed the subject. I’d like to believe it was because she got that I didn’t want to keep talking about Matt. But I think it was because she had something she really wanted to tell me. “April, something happened. It’s big.” Brynn shrugged. “You should know.”

  I nodded like I was listening.

  “Do you remember I told you that Billy was coming over on Halloween?”