Crazy Sexy Love

by Alison G. Bailey

  “Wow, that is some poetic shit right there,” I said with awe.

  The look of pride crossed Hart’s face. “It was pretty fucking lyrical.”

  I stood with confidence. “I’m gonna figure out what Sophie needs, show how much I care, and that I’m not going anywhere.”

  “Now you’re talking. Be the man.”

  “I am the man. I’m going to go pot me a flower.”

  I turned and took a few steps toward the front door.

  “You realize I was using an analogy?”

  “Uh, yeah. I’m not that much of an idiot, Hart. Why do you think I’m headed to Sandpiper Garden Shop? They’ve got every kind of plant known to man, I’m sure including the exotic analogy.”

  “Doug, hands down, you are the smartest dumb guy I know.”

  “Thank you, buddy.”

  I loved Hart, but sometimes he thinks I’m an ignorant kid. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I shook my head and chuckled to myself as I headed to my car.

  “I WAS THE youngest person ever to be offered a junior partnership. I never imagined that the top corporate law firm in the city would snatch me up right out of law school. Well, if I’m being honest, I imagined it a few times. Not to brag, but I was one of the top five best students to graduate from the school. It’s not documented in records, of course. My professor told me.”

  His hair was coal black and slicked back. He had sultry blue eyes surrounded by long dark lashes. I’d kill for lashes like that. His skin was tanned. And his face was on the fence between rugged and pretty. I could tell he was built by the way he filled out his Armani suit. He was also boring me to death.

  “I feel like I’ve been doing all the talking,” he chuckled.

  With a hint of a snarky tone, I said, “That’s because you have been.”

  “I have an idea. How about we head back to your place. I promise to let you do all the dirty talking your little heart desires? I’ve been told by every woman I’ve been with that I’m the best lover they’ve ever had.” His full lips spread into a big lascivious grin.

  “I’ve got an even better idea.” I dropped my crisp white cloth napkin on the table, grabbed my black Fendi, and stood. “Why don’t you go back to your place and love yourself. Word is it’s something else.” I turned on my heels and sauntered away from cut-rate Casanova and out the restaurant.

  “THERE’S SOMETHING I’VE been wanting to say all night. You’ve got an amazing rack. They’re perfectly proportioned and symmetrical. Is that inappropriate?”

  “Highly,” I said.

  “I was going to say, a great set of tits, but with the way the world is now, I wanted to be respectful.”

  “Missed the mark on that one.” I took a long sip of wine.

  “Don’t get me wrong, I get the whole modern woman thing. But there’s something to be said for the days when chicks liked hearing us guys say, you have awesome tits and a great ass.”

  “I assure you, those days never existed.”

  “Come on, there isn’t a part of you, even a small part, that gets you going?”

  “You’re right. There is a small part that gets me going. Namely, your brain and penis.”

  I pulled up the Uber app on my phone and clicked. I picked up my light rose gold Tory Burch, pushed away from the table, and never looked back.

  “SO ERIC, TELL me a little about yourself,” I said to the top of his head.

  His eyes were glued to his iPhone as they had been since we were seated. “I’m not much of a talker.”

  “Do you have a favorite movie?”

  “I’m not much of a movie-goer,” he muttered to his phone.

  I opened my menu and perused the appetizers. After a few minutes the waiter appeared, startling Eric. His phone slipped from his hand. He fumbled attempting to catch it before it crashed to the floor. Fortunately, it landed face up on the table. My gaze fell to the screen, then popped up to Eric.

  He quickly scooped up his phone and looked at me sheepishly. “No point in pretending you didn’t see that.”

  “Clown porn? Really?”

  “I want you know, I can get it up without watching that stuff. Most of the time.”

  Silently, I rose from my seat and took my sapphire COACH, which the waiter was holding up waiting for me.

  Eric looked up at me covered in confusion. “I guess this means no second date?”

  “Good guess,” I said sarcastically before walking away.

  Three strikes and I’m out.

  OVER THE PAST week, life had become so dull and monotonous. I figured filling my time with work during the day and dates at night would keep the thought of Doug at bay. But it only made things worse. I didn’t go to Sunday dinner at Bryson’s and didn’t go see Hope since Doug was living with them.

  I used to think living alone was the best, until stupid Doug came along. The house felt bigger without him. I knew the second I opened the door that night I was screwed. If only I had ignored the doorbell none of this would have happened. Things would have stayed the same and everyone would be happy. I didn’t know for certain any of my friends weren’t happy. They all seem very satisfied with their lives. Actually, I’m the only person I know who isn’t happy. And since all of this was Doug’s fault, I hoped he wasn’t happy. That’s not true. Even though he’s a big jerk, I wanted him to be okay.

  Since I’d been grossly unsuccessful in the dating world as of late, I decided to take a break. So here I am home alone on a Saturday night doing laundry, eating pizza, and drinking wine. With my basket piled with clothes, resting on my hip, I opened the door to the laundry room. As I was loading the washer, I noticed a piece of cloth sticking out from between the washer and dryer. I snatched it up and held it out in front of me. It was one of Doug’s T-shirts. Crumpling the material in my hands, I held it to my nose and inhaled. It smelled minty and manly, like him.

  I put the T-shirt down, quickly loaded the washer, and turned it on. Before leaving, I grabbed Doug’s shirt, taking it with me into the kitchen. I draped it over the back of the chair like it was sitting at the table. Then I poured a glass of red wine, leaned against the counter, and stared at it as if it had magical powers. I took two more sips of wine before pushing off from the counter and walking over to the shirt. My gaze shifted from side-to-side like I was making sure no one was around. I placed my glass down and again, scanned the room. Then I did it. I peeled off my shirt and pulled on Doug’s. Luxuriating in the soft material as it slid down my body. Then I picked up my glass, a piece of pizza, and headed to the sofa.

  After two loads of laundry, half a pizza, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Boom Chocolatta Cookie ice cream, and three fairly full glasses of wine, I was curled up on the sofa watching The Jerk. It was a pretty awesome movie. Doug was right, speaking of jerks. A giggle followed by a little burp came out of my mouth catching me by surprise. I wondered what the derk… jerk was doing?

  I reached for my phone on the coffee table and sat up. The room spun around and around like the teacup ride. Once it slowed down, I looked at my phone and clicked the message icon. I’m gonna find out what he’s doing. It better not be anything fun. I scrolled to his name and punched it with my finger. I blinked several times to get the screen in focus. Finally, after the sixth try, it cleared to a manageable level.

  Me: You best not be having any gum. How fare you say I make you gappy. You showed have kept it to you self like me did. I mist you you mother fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

  The next thing I was aware of was lying back on the sofa with my eyes closing shut.

  “KNOCK, KNOCK.”

  “Who’s there?” they said in unison.

  “Hugh.”

  “Hugh who?”

  “Hugh Jorgan!”

  The room exploded with laughter mixed with a chorus of, “oh, mys” and “you bad boy.” I was a big hit with the over eighty crowd.

  “Ladies, get your minds out of the gutter. I was referring to the lower intestines.”

 
“Oh, Douglas, you’re a mess,” Nonnina said.

  Vivian refilled my bowl and passed it to me. “Gia is right. What are we going to do with you, young man?”

  “Keep feeding me pudding and I’ll let you do whatever you want.” I plunged my spoon into the heaping mound of tapioca and shoved it into my mouth.

  “You better watch what you say, Douglas. Just because there’s snow on the roof doesn’t mean there’s no fire in the furnace,” Millie said.

  “Millie, if only I were fifty years older.” I winked.

  Her cheeks turned bright red as a shy giggle floated from her lips.

  Placing a hand on my arm, Vivian said, “Douglas, how are things going with Gia’s granddaughter?”

  I glanced at Nonnina across the table who gave me an apologetic smile.

  “I’m not gonna lie to you, Vivian. We’ve hit a bit of a snag. I said something that freaked her out.”

  “Oh my goodness. What on earth did you say?” Millie said, hanging on every word.

  “I told her that she made me happy.”

  Simultaneously, the two ladies leaned back in their chairs and sighed.

  “Douglas, my Sophia will come around eventually.”

  “She better come to her senses soon otherwise another woman will snatch Douglas up. He’s quite a catch.”

  “Thank you, Millie. I appreciate that.”

  Vivian tapped me on the shoulder. “Now finish your pudding. I love watching a man with a good appetite.”

  The room fell silent as the ladies watched me devour bowl number two of tapioca pudding.

  “What the hell is going on here?”

  Four sets of eyes looked up and shifted to the door where Sophie stood. Arms crossed. Stone-faced. We stared at each other, a jolt of lightening zooming through my body with her mere presence. It might have been my imagination, but Sophie’s hard expression seemed to soften the longer she stared at me.

  “Sophia! Such a wonderful surprise,” Nonnina said.

  “Surprise? You called me earlier wanting chocolate cannoli. Which, by the way, I had to wait on while they finished filling them.”

  Sophie placed the bag of cannoli in front of Nonnina before giving her a kiss on each cheek.

  “Miss Vivian, Miss Millie… How are you ladies?”

  In unison they said, “Very well, thank you.”

  At first I thought she was going to act as if I was an apparition and ignore me. I was soon proven wrong.

  “What are you doing here?” she said.

  “Visiting and eating pudding,” I said with a mouthful of the aforementioned pudding.

  “It’s quite a coinkydink that we’d be here at the same time. Wouldn’t you say, Nonnina?”

  With innocent eyes and pursed lips, Nonnina looked up at Sophie. “The Lord works in mysterious ways.”

  “He sure does,” Vivian responded.

  “Preach,” Millie chimed in overlapping with Vivian.

  “Doug, a moment, please,” Sophie ordered, heading to the door.

  I pushed away from the table and stood.

  Looking at each of the elderly ladies, I said, “Pray for me.”

  I followed Sophie out the door and down the hallway. I sure missed her sway. I was so mesmerized, I almost slammed into her when she stopped.

  “This looks like a good place,” she said stepping into a small room.

  The room was bright with sunlight. It looked to be the center’s game room, with tables set up with board games and cards.

  Sophie whipped around to face me. “Why are you here?”

  “I came to see Nonnina and—”

  “Don’t call her that. She’s my Nonnina, not yours.”

  “She told me to call her that, so there.”

  “Is your plan to weasel your way into my grandmother’s life so she’ll help and give you intel?”

  “For your information, I have my own laptop, thank you very much. Besides, if I needed a new one, I’d buy it myself. I’d never ask Nonnina for anything.”

  “Stop. Calling. Her. That,” she said, emphasizing each word with a finger poke to my chest.

  I rubbed the center of my chest. “Ow! Those claws of yours are sharp.”

  Sophie took a step back, placed her hands on her hips, and blew out a breath.

  “Look, Doug, we need to come to some type of resolution here. We’re both adults, surely we can act in a mature fashion, so we can be in the same room and not put our friends in the position of choosing sides.”

  “Agreed.”

  “Good. I’ll even make the first move. I never meant to break your heart.”

  “You didn’t break my heart,” I said.

  “I beg to differ.”

  “You can beg all you want. Soph, I know the reason for your freak out.”

  “I didn’t freak.”

  I held up my hand, stopping her from saying more. “I understand. This pull we have for each other is overwhelming. It’s natural for someone such as yourself to be scared.”

  “Someone such as myself? What are you getting at, Doug?”

  “To be honest, I was a little freaked out too at first. Then I realized the idea of being with you didn’t terrify me the way I thought it would.”

  “Talk about a backhanded compliment,” she said.

  “I’ve done a lot of soul-searching since our breakup…”

  “Our breakup?”

  “I’m going to make sure you get plenty of sun and fertilizer, and give you room to grow until you feel ready to blossom.”

  “Doug, have you been smoking some blossoms?”

  I chortled. “No. I want you to know I won’t rest until I get you back.”

  “Get me back? You never had me.”

  Stepping closer to her, I said in a low voice, “I’ve had you in every way humanly possible.”

  Out the corner of my eye came her left fist careening toward my face. Once again, my catlike quickness took over. I grabbed her wrist halfway to its target. I smiled the smile of the smug. “Thought you could nail me this time by going with the left first. But I remember, sunshine, it packs a wallop of a pu-u-u-u-u-u-n-n-n-n-n—”

  The gut punch to the right had me doubled over wheezing. Before I was able to compose myself, Sophie pushed past me. Bracing myself, I reached out and grabbed her by the arm and spun her to face me.

  “I know how you really feel about me, Soph.”

  “That I loathe you completely?”

  “I read your text.”

  “I was drunk,” she said.

  “Drunk on me, I’d say.”

  “You are the most obnoxious egotistical jacka…”

  Stepping forward, I took her face in my hands. Like a moth to a flame, my lips landed on hers. Without any coaxing, Sophie’s mouth opened. Her hands came up to grip my wrists. At first I thought her intention was to pull me off, but then her fingers found their way into my hair.

  Everything else faded away. The only things that existed were me, Sophie, and me kissing Sophie. And me touching Sophie. And me wanting to be only with Sophie. My lips traveled along her jawline.

  “Doug, we can’t… We have to control ourselves.” I nibbled away at the spot right behind her ear. “Oh, God, that feels incredible.”

  “You feel incredible,” I mumbled against her flaming skin. “I’ve missed everything about you.”

  She held me tight against her body. “Don’t say things like that.”

  “I can’t help myself, Soph.”

  “We have to redirect our focu-u-u-s,” she moaned.

  “Okay, I’ll work on the other ear.” Which I did.

  “Tha-a-a-t’s not what I me-e-e-an. O-o-o-h, you have a magical mouth. Quick, think of something that will dump a bucket of cold water on our hormones.”

  I tried. I really did.

  “Bucket. Water. Dumped. Only conjures up a visual of you crowned queen of a wet T-shirt contest.”

  My lips roamed over her collarbone.

  “Millie and Vivian naked an
d kissing.”

  I froze. Then loosened my hold and removed my lips from Sophie’s body.

  Looking deep into her eyes, I said, “You’d think that would do the trick. But you gotta admit, both ladies are quite handsome for their age.”

  Sophie stepped out of my arms.

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t,” she said, her beautiful eyes filling with tears.

  “I love you, Sophie.”

  Again, the words came tumbling out of my mouth and I didn’t regret saying them.

  “Stop saying that.” Her voice cracked with a sob.

  “I want to make you happy. I want to protect you. I want to take care of you.” I tried to hold my voice steady, but it ended up cracking.

  “I don’t need you to take care of me,” she said, defiantly.

  “I know you don’t. My want has nothing to do with your need.”

  Frantically, I flipped through my mind for the right words to convince her we belonged together. Out of nowhere, loud voices rushed past the door behind me and down the hall. Sophie’s phone rang. Everything after that moved in slow motion.

  Sophie listened to the voice on the other end of the phone for a minute, then her face went pale. She looked at me lost and terrified.

  “Soph, what is it?”

  “It’s Nonnina…”

  I turned toward the door in time to witness staff members working like a well-oiled machine. One nurse cleared the hallway of traffic, while another moved briskly alongside a doctor looking through a file. Soon an EMT came into view pushing the stretcher with a sallow looking Nonnina.

  Once the caravan passed, I turned back to Sophie. The fear in her eyes broke my heart. I stepped toward her in time to catch her as she collapsed in my arms.