The Longing Within (Desire for Discipline Book 3)

by Kole, Isabella

  “I understand they at least awarded you a fair severance package.”

  “As long as I signed a ‘no compete’ document,” she replied grimly.

  “If there is anything at all I can do, don’t hesitate to ask. I can put you in touch with some people in the business, set up some interviews, you name it. I’ll do what I can to help you find another position similar to the one you held at Starlight.”

  “I appreciate that, Mr. Starr. At this point, I’m still numb. I need a few days to regroup and decide where I want to go from here. But, I appreciate your offer and I may take you up on it soon.”

  “I understand. Take a few days or weeks off. You can afford it. When you are ready to start searching, give me a call.”

  “I…have to go. Thank you again, Mr. Starr. It’s been a wonderful eight years. Enjoy your retirement.”

  She ran past him and out into the hallway. Blinded by tears, she walked briskly out the door of the office for the last time. She thanked the maintenance men for loading her car and got into the driver’s seat. She began to drive. She pulled out onto the freeway and continued to drive, and drive, and drive. She had no idea where she was going; she only knew she didn’t want to see anyone she knew at that moment. She didn’t want to tell John or her family or her friends that she’d been fired. She didn’t want their pity or their suggestions.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Lyndsey drove aimlessly for almost an hour before stopping at a club she’d gone to in the past with Bryan. She remembered being there with him the night Janis had been with her old boyfriend, and later that night, there had been a fatal accident. Jamie had been killed and Janis was injured.

  She walked inside and found a seat in the corner. She ordered a drink and put her head in her hands. What am I going to do?

  She knew she eventually had to go home. She had to tell John the news. He would be comforting and understanding, she knew, but she just couldn’t face anyone just yet, not even her husband.

  She had to come to grips with everything that had taken place that morning first. The drink would help. It would calm her down and she would go home, home to her husband’s loving arms. He would reassure her that everything was going to be all right. But first, she had to have a drink. A drink turned into several drinks and a few hours later, she was surprised to see John and Bryan walking toward her, their faces full of concern.

  “Lyndsey, what in the world are you doing here?” John demanded.

  “I think the question is what are the two of you doing here?” she asked in a slurred voice.

  Bryan put his arm around her. “Honey, when you didn’t go home at the usual time, John tried to call you. You didn’t answer, so he became worried and phoned the office. There was no answer so he called Joanne. She told him what happened.”

  “How did you find me?” she asked.

  John explained, “I tracked your phone. It led us right to you. Come on, baby, we need to get you home and into bed. We can talk about this later. Bryan will drive your car, you ride with me.” He threw some bills on the table to pay for her drinks and helped her up. “Easy now, how many did you have anyway?”

  “I…really…don’t remember. Oh, John, what am I going to do?” She leaned on her husband for support when she stood. The room was spinning.

  “We’ll discuss it later, when you’re sober and coherent. I can’t for the life of me understand why you didn’t call me or just go home. Come on, let’s get out of here. Give Bryan your keys.”

  She looked at him with a blank look on her face.

  “Now, Lyndsey!” he said in an exasperated tone.

  When she didn’t respond, he took her purse from her and searched through it until he found her car keys. He handed them to Bryan and said, “We’ll meet you at the condo. Thanks.”

  Bryan nodded and went ahead, leaving the couple alone. John helped her to his vehicle and made sure she was securely buckled in before walking around to the driver’s side. They rode silently for a few miles when she suddenly told him she was going to be sick.

  “I don’t doubt that for a minute,” he said as he pulled off the side of the road and helped her out of the car. He held her long hair out of the way while she threw up. When she was finished, he took a tissue from the inside of his car and handed it to her.

  She wiped her mouth and got back into the car. Could this day get any worse?

  They arrived back at the condo without further incident where Bryan was waiting for them. John opened the garage door and waited for Bryan to pull Lyndsey’s car inside before he pulled in beside him. Between the two of them, they helped her inside.

  “I’ll start unloading her car while you get her settled,” Bryan said when they had helped her to the couch.

  “Thanks, I’d appreciate that,” John responded. Turning to Lyndsey he said, “The first thing you’re going to do is get into the shower.” He picked her up, threw her over his shoulder and carried her to the bathroom where he undressed her and started the spray. After he had helped her into the stall, he instructed her to shower while he made a pot of coffee. “I’ll be back in five minutes.”

  She stood under the hot, steamy water and let the wetness drift over her aching body. She knew better than to argue with him. She was in for a rough time, she was sure of it. It might be a very long night, if her rolling stomach didn’t begin to feel better soon.

  She wasn’t a drinker. She drank socially, enjoyed a glass of wine at dinner or champagne for special occasions, but to order one mixed drink after another for several hours wasn’t her style. She didn’t drink alone, or at least she never had before. After tonight, she probably never would again. She felt like she was going to be sick again. Luckily, John returned. He helped her out of the shower.

  “Are you feeling sick again?” he asked as he wrapped a towel around her.

  “I was, it’s passed,” she replied as she leaned against him. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Honey, I know it was a blow, losing your job so unexpectedly like that. I don’t understand why you did what you did, but obviously you were very upset. Right now, I want you to dry yourself off, comb your hair and brush your teeth. I’ll help you get dressed and then I want you to get some coffee. I’ll make you some toast, you need some food on your stomach.”

  “No, no food,” she protested.

  “Toast,” he insisted. “I’ll be back. Bryan is carrying the boxes in from your car and I need to help him. I’ll put them in the utility room for now. I’m sure he wants to make sure you’re okay and get home to Janis.”

  She did as she was told and by the time he returned, she was pulling a pair of pajamas out of her dresser drawer.

  “Do you need help?” he asked.

  “No, I can manage. Is Bryan ready to go?”

  “He’s having a cup of coffee in the kitchen and waiting for us to join him. He’s pretty concerned about you.”

  “I’ll be fine. I just need to sleep.”

  “You’re not going to sleep just yet. Come on.” He waited for her to finish dressing and took her hand. He led her into the kitchen where her adoptive brother was waiting, a worried look on his face.

  “Sit down and try the toast and coffee,” he said.

  “Are you all right, Sis?” Bryan asked.

  “I will be. It’s not every day you go in to work expecting to meet your new boss and get given your walking papers. I didn’t see that one coming. Even Mr. Starr was stunned.”

  “What about Joanne? She didn’t seem to be very upset when I spoke with her,” John said.

  “Joanne thinks it’s a blessing in disguise. When Blake found out, he asked her to join him in Pennsylvania. She’s planning to move in with him and look for work there.”

  “I should call and let her know you’re home,” John said as he reached into his pocket for his cell.

  “I know it’s hard, Lyndsey, but after a few days, you’ll adjust to the idea and you’ll be ready to start looking for something else. You need to let Mo
m and Dad know. They’d want to know.”

  “They just got back from Florida. I will give them a few days to get settled and then I’ll go out there and tell them,” she promised. “Now, you should go. I’m sure Janis is waiting up for you.”

  “She’s very concerned about you. She was relieved to know we found you and that you’re home.”

  “Tell her thank you.”

  “I should get going, you’re right, it’s late and I’m sure you and John have some things to discuss. You get some rest and things will look better in the morning. I love you, Lyndsey.” He put his arms around her.

  “I love you, too, Bryan. Thank you.”

  John returned from making his call. “Let me walk you out.”

  When he returned, Lyndsey had laid her head on the bar.

  “Come on, let’s get you into bed. We can talk tonight or it can wait until morning, but we are going to talk.”

  “I know.” She let him carry her to their bedroom, where he tucked her in. He joined her several minutes later. They didn’t talk. He held her in his arms until she was sleeping peacefully.

  The next morning she woke with a killer headache.

  “Oh, so you finally decide to join the land of the living,” John said as he entered the room. “I thought you were going to sleep the day away.”

  “I might as well. I have nothing else to do,” she replied as she lay her head back on the pillow.

  “Headache?” he asked.

  “The worst,” she replied. “Now, I know why I am only a social drinker.”

  “I’ll bring you some coffee and an old hangover remedy from my college days. Then, when you are feeling human again, we’ll talk.”

  “Ugh,” she said as she closed her eyes to block out the light streaming in the window.

  He returned with a cup of steaming hot coffee and a glass of what appeared to be tomato juice.

  She took a sip. “What’s in this stuff?” she said after the first taste.

  “Don’t worry about what’s in it; just drink it, every last drop of it. That’s an order.” He waited until she had finished the drink and started on her coffee to bring up the subject of the night before.

  “First, we need to discuss your behavior last night. That cannot go unmentioned. I’m not going to punish you, only because I realize how distraught you must have been to do something that severe. I also know, from talking with Joanne, what a blow it was for you to lose your job. However, let’s get one thing straight, right now, once and for all. Under no circumstance, are you ever to do anything that thoughtless and careless again, or there will be ramifications. Have I made myself perfectly clear?”

  “Yes,” she said in a low tone as she hung her head in shame.

  “Now, as for the other matter, tell me why you’re reacting this way. It’s just a job. I know it was a job you loved, but life goes on. There will be other opportunities. Tell me exactly what took place. Did they give you any sort of severance?”

  As she sipped her coffee, she started at the beginning and told him everything, from the time Cassandra Lewis strutted into the meeting until she left the office for the last time.

  “Well, at least they offered some compensation. My suggestion, take a few days off to regroup and decide what you want to do. Then, once you’ve calmed down and looked at the situation through clearer eyes, start the process of applying for new positions.”

  “There aren’t many publishers near here,” she pointed out.

  “So what, who says you have to work for a pub? Try your hand at something else.”

  “Maybe I want to stay in publishing.”

  “I don’t think that’s possible, Lyndsey. We aren’t exactly in a position to relocate. We have this beautiful condo, your family is here. I’ve opened a satellite office. We can’t just pick up and go. You need to focus on finding something in Nashville or the surrounding area.”

  “That’s your final word?” she asked. “What about what I want?”

  “As I said earlier, you need to take a few days. Look at it again after you’ve had some time to get over the shock and get used to the idea.”

  “Whatever,” she replied sullenly.

  “Lyndsey,” he said. “Look at me.”

  She looked up at him.

  “You need to get a handle on this. I’ve been patient. I’ve let your abominable, irresponsible behavior of last night slide, all because I love you and I know you’re hurting. Don’t push your luck. I won’t be patient and understanding about this forever. I am willing to help you through it and to stand by you, but I will not tolerate the way you’re acting now. The world hasn’t ended, even though I know it may feel that way to you right now. You will get through this. We will get through this, together. Money isn’t an issue. You can afford some time off.”

  “It’s going to take some getting used to, not going in to the office every day, not being able to interact with my authors. I’m not even supposed to contact them and some of them have become like close friends to me.”

  “I think you can talk to them on a personal level if they contact you. You just can’t do it on a professional level.”

  “This is just a nightmare, one big nightmare that I wish I could wake up from.”

  “I know, baby, really I do. Look on the bright side, no one has died, no one is ill. You’ll find something even better. It may take time to find what you want, but trust me, a year from now you’ll wonder why you were even upset.”

  “I hope you’re right, because right now I feel like a part of my world has ended.”

  “It has, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s all in the way you look at it. Now, why don’t you lie back and get some rest? When that headache’s all gone, I’ll fix you a bite to eat. Just take it easy today.” He kissed her on the forehead before closing the drapes and quietly leaving the room.

  Lyndsey rolled over and let the tears flow. She had held them in check in front of John, but now she was alone. She cried herself to sleep.

  Chapter Fifteen

  For days, Lyndsey felt as if she was in a dream. It was a horrible dream from which she hoped to wake up soon. It felt as if suddenly she had lost total control of her life. She had the perfect balance, a fulfilling career where she maintained a certain degree of being in charge. She made decisions daily, tough decisions. Now, what did she have? No job, no career, no control. She had made the conscious choice to relinquish control of the household to John. She knew what she was doing and to her, at the time, it had been the most natural decision in the world. Things had changed now. She was no longer in control of any aspect of her life. Did she want to change things at home? No, that wasn’t the problem. She wanted the other part of her life back, the part that equaled the balance, the part that made it all come together in perfect harmony.

  She spent her days moping around the condo, starting tasks and never finishing them. She hadn’t visited her parents, hadn’t spoken to Joanne. She could have offered to help her friend pack for her move, yet she couldn’t bring herself to pick up the phone. One morning, over coffee, after John had gone to the office, she got online to look for a position similar to the one she had held at Starlight. There were plenty of them, all in other states, and none that could be done from home.

  When John returned home several hours later, he took one look at the cluttered living area of the condo, the dishes in the sink, dirty coffee mug on the coffee table, newspaper lying on the floor. He walked into the bedroom and saw the unmade bed. When he located his wife on the deck, napping, he gently nudged her awake.

  “Lyndsey, wake up, it’s six o’clock.”

  She opened her eyes and looked up at him. “What?” she asked as she sat up and rubbed her eyes.

  “What have you been doing all day? The condo is a wreck, there’s no dinner cooking and you’re napping. Are you ill?” he asked.

  She turned away from him. “Time just got away from me, I guess.”

  “I want to know what you were doing. Wha
t had you so busy that you lost track of the time and needed a nap in the afternoon.”

  “Really? You want a rundown of my day? Now, I have to report to you what I do every minute of the day? Well, for starters, I had coffee and did an online job search. Then, when that didn’t pan out, I went back to bed. I got up later and put a load of clothes in the washer. I cleaned one room, and then I decided I should have lunch. After that, the clothes went in the dryer. I was exhausted and came out here to relax before dinner. I fell asleep.”

  “You’re not serious?” he asked in disgust.

  “Of course I am.”

  “You washed one load of clothes and cleaned one room and you’re exhausted. I see a definite pattern developing here and we need to get a handle on it. You’re obviously still depressed about Starlight. You either get help or pull yourself together. I can make a schedule for you if you can’t manage your time any better than this.”

  “No, thank you. I’d like to think I have one thing left to my own devices.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean? And, did you go see Maeve today? You still haven’t told her what’s happened or welcomed her back to town.”

  “You just don’t get it, do you?” she asked. “When I was in my position at Starlight, I had the best of both worlds. I had a hectic, happy, productive life where I maintained a great deal of control. I had a great deal of responsibility and many aspects of the process of publication for my authors rested on my shoulders. I loved it. When I left the office and came home, I had a relaxing, loving atmosphere in which I didn’t have to make decisions unless I wanted to. I didn’t have to take care of urgent matters. I had the perfect balance in my life. Now, I have no control, none. I am limited to apply for similar, challenging, rewarding positions because you are unwilling to leave Nashville. I spend hours upon hours in this condo, wondering what to do next. Hell, yes, I am depressed. The rug was pulled out from under me with no advance warning and I’m pissed.”

  John sat down next to her. “Baby, it doesn’t have to be like that. When you get your bearings, you’ll see things more clearly. You don’t have to sit here all day. Get out, go see your friends, spend time with Maeve, and meet Janis for lunch. Set goals for yourself, on what you hope to accomplish each day. Set aside some time for housework, other time for the job search, and schedule in time for socializing, or relaxing.”