Well Hung Over in Vegas: A Standalone Romantic Comedy

by Kimberly Fox

  “Mr. McMillan and Mrs. Winters,” he says, waving us in. We both stand up, looking nervous as he disappears back into his office.

  Tyler lets me walk in first. He raises his hand to put on my lower back as I walk past him, but he thinks twice about it and lets his hand fall to his sides instead.

  Judge Roth is sitting behind his desk, reading over our file with a furrowed brow. “So, you want an annulment,” he says, dropping the paper on his desk as we take the two seats in front of him. “On what grounds? Impotence? Are you two cousins? Is one of you already married? I’ve heard them all.”

  Tyler clears his throat. “We were hammered.”

  “I’ve heard that one too,” he answers. “What happened?”

  “We’re still trying to figure that out,” Tyler says, swallowing hard.

  Judge Roth leans back in his chair. “I’m going to need proof, and not just a pocket full of bottle caps. Real proof.”

  Tyler sighs and then hands him the videotape.

  “Wait,” I say before taking a deep breath. Both Judge Roth and Tyler turn to me with raised eyebrows. “Tyler, I don’t want to get an annulment.”

  The words pass through my lips before I can process the ramifications of what they mean. My heart is doing the talking now. It’s been silent for far too long.

  “You don’t?” Tyler whispers.

  “No. I want to stay married.”

  Judge Roth clears his throat. “So, you weren’t drunk? This is all a lie?”

  “No, we were drunk,” I say, turning to him. “And we did get married, and it was a mistake. At first.”

  I turn back to the wonderful man beside me, and he’s staring at me with hopeful eyes. “It was a horrible mistake, but it turned into something more. Something real. Something beautiful. I do love you, Tyler. I love that you have an N’Sync poster hanging in your room, I love that you bought me a brand-new bike, I love that you made my house feel like a home for the first time since I got the keys. I love your sense of humor, your kindness, your passion, and your drive. And I love that you wear red underwear. I love everything about you.”

  He’s staring at me in stunned silence. I wish he’d say something soon because it’s getting pretty awkward in here.

  “He has an N’Sync poster hanging on his wall?” Judge Roth asks with a crinkled-up nose. “That should qualify you two for an annulment right there.”

  “I want to stay married too,” Tyler finally says, ignoring the judge. “I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you at the bar. I just didn’t know it yet.”

  I leap forward and kiss him with every ounce of love that I’m feeling, nearly toppling his chair over with him in it.

  “Excuse me!” Judge Roth shouts as he slaps his desk. “How would you two like to be arrested for contempt of court?”

  I immediately pull away from him and sit back in my seat with my lips tingling.

  “I’ll spend life in jail for another kiss like that,” Tyler says with a big goofy smile on his face.

  Judge Roth doesn’t look too upset. “So, are we getting annulled or what?” he asks.

  We both shake our head. “No, thank you,” I say with a wide smile.

  He grabs the tape off the desk. “Can I still watch this?”

  “Go ahead,” Tyler says, grabbing my hand as he stands up. “It’s the best moment of my life.”

  We say a quick goodbye and head outside, closing the door behind us. After a long kiss, Tyler holds me close and looks down at me with a warm smile.

  “I really didn’t want to go through with that,” he says, exhaling long and deep.

  “Neither did I.”

  “I don’t know what the future holds for us,” he says, holding me tightly, “but I can’t wait to find out. We’ve had a few bad surprises in the past few weeks, but I think we’re due for some good ones.”

  I couldn’t agree more.

  We kiss each other until we hear the muffled sound of our wedding playing behind the closed door, and hear Judge Roth laughing hysterically.

  “Do you think he’s going to put it on YouTube?” I ask, suddenly worried.

  Tyler cringes. “Isn’t your boob hanging out of your dress?”

  My eyes widen as I remember the horrifying details of the video. Tyler goes back into the office and comes out two minutes later with the tape in his hands. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

  We hurry out of the courthouse, and we walk down the street together to his office building which is only a few blocks away.

  “All right,” I say, smiling up at him when we’re almost there. “I admit it.”

  “What?”

  “The Lucky 7 drink was indeed lucky.”

  He smiles, making me smile too. “Want to go have another one?”

  “I don’t think so,” I say with a laugh. “I’m afraid of who I’ll end up married to this time.”

  Tyler’s smile fades to a scowl when he looks across the street. I turn to where he’s looking and see three of those crazy cult members darting through oncoming traffic on their way over.

  “These guys again?” I say, gasping as one almost gets hit by a car.

  “You know them?” Tyler asks, looking at me in shock.

  “They seem to like me for some strange reason.”

  He turns back to them and clenches his jaw. “They broke into my office.”

  “What?!?”

  “Blessed Prophets!” one of them shouts as they leap onto the sidewalk and rush over in their bare feet.

  Tyler grabs me with a strong hand and pulls me behind his big frame protectively as they come running over.

  “Please tell us the mighty word of Franesca and Lukania,” one of them says.

  Another shoves a tape recorder into Tyler’s face. “Tell us how to reach the center of the flaming star,” he begs, recording everything.

  Tyler shoves his hand away, but the weirdo puts the recorder right back in front of Tyler immediately.

  “Why are you following us?” I ask, peeking out from behind Tyler.

  The completely hairless guy moves the recorder from Tyler to me. “On what day will we ascend from this planet into the sun?”

  “Into the sun?” I ask, staring at him in disbelief. They’re even crazier than I thought.

  “Yes, blessed Prophet,” he says, dropping to his knees. “Please tell us your divine wisdom.”

  Tyler grabs one of the guys by his yellow robe, turns and slams him into the brick wall behind us. “Why did you break into my office?” he hisses in his face. “Why are you tapping my phones? Did Nick hire you?”

  The guy is just staring at Tyler with a big happy grin on his face. Tyler jerks him forward and then slams him into the wall again.

  “Thank you for honoring me by pushing me against the wall, blessed Prophet,” he says, looking thrilled.

  “Please slam me into the wall next, blessed Prophet,” one of the other guys says, looking jealous.

  Tyler releases the man and steps back, looking frustrated. “What the fuck are you guys talking about? Why do you keep calling us Prophets?”

  The three of them drop to their knees and lower their foreheads to the sidewalk. “You two are the blessed Prophets sent with a message by the true Gods, Franesca and Lukania,” one of them says. “The holy scriptures say that you will tell us how to reach the center of the flaming star, and the members of the Sunshine Happy Church will ascend from this planet of cold and hate, into the warmth of the center of the sun.”

  Tyler laughs. “And you guys believe this?”

  “With all of our hearts.”

  I step on my toes and lean into Tyler’s ear. “I think we may have joined their cult on our crazy night.”

  I tell him about the flowered necklace that I found in my purse, exactly like the ones around their necks, and about the pamphlet from the Sunshine Happy Church that was stuffed next to the big box of Magnum condoms.

  “That’s why you’ve been harassing us?” Tyler asks as they climb b
ack up to their bare feet. “Because you’re waiting to hear a prophecy?”

  They nod.

  Tyler curls his hand into a fist. “I’ll break your noses. That’s the fucking prophecy.”

  “Please do!” one of them shouts as all three of them stick their chins in the air. “It would be such an honor.”

  I grab Tyler’s flexed arm and hold him back. “I am the blessed Prophet,” I say, stepping forward. “Sent by Franky and Lukey.”

  “Franesca and Lukania,” one of them corrects.

  “That’s what I meant,” I say, puffing my chest out. “I want you to tell us exactly what happened the night we arrived.”

  One of them tells us how we entered with wet clothes, which is the sign of the Prophets, and broke their holy statue of the sun, signaling the entrance to Solaris.

  “This is too weird,” Tyler whispers to me. “Let’s get out of here before they brainwash us.”

  I agree.

  “That’s a wonderful story,” I say, smiling at them as we slowly back away. “But we have to leave now.”

  Another one steps forward and bows. “May you bask in the light of Solaris,” he says. “We will continue to monitor you until we hear the prophecy you were destined to bring.”

  We both stop and turn. “Monitor us?” Tyler asks. “So, it was you who tapped my phones.”

  “Yes,” the cult member says, nodding proudly. “We also bugged your office with tape recorders. Franesca and Lukania would be proud.”

  Tyler grabs my arm as he turns to me with wide eyes. “Tape recorders?”

  I’m about to ask him why he looks so excited when he hurries back over to them, leaving me alone on the sidewalk.

  “Take me to these tape recorders,” he says.

  “There’s more of them,” Tyler whispers as we walk into the Sunshine Happy Church’s headquarters, which is nothing more than a small apartment over a Vietnamese restaurant. The creeper vibe is off the charts but it sure does smell delicious.

  The twenty or so members are all staring at us in awe as we walk in. I inch a little closer to Tyler as they surround us with wide eyes and gaping mouths.

  “Tyler,” I whisper, tugging on his shirt as I stare past the group of brainwashed cult members to the pictures on the far walls. “Look at that.”

  Tyler gasps when he sees what I’m looking at: a wall full of pictures of us. Walking to work, sitting in a restaurant, waiting in line at a coffee shop, even our wedding photo is hanging on the wall.

  If I didn’t have Tyler’s large protective frame beside me, I’d be terrified.

  I’m still a little terrified.

  I gulp as I turn to the TV and see a video playing of me walking down the street. What the fuck is this place?

  They are all staring at the two of us, waiting for something.

  “Hello,” I say. They all burst out into smiles and cheer. One lady starts crying.

  “Where are the tapes?” Tyler asks in a firm voice. “The tapes from my office.”

  One of the three men who brought us here rushes into the bedroom and comes back out with a shoebox full of tapes.

  “We listened to each one at least ten times,” the man says, handing Tyler the box. “There is no mention of the prophecy. Do you speak in code?”

  Tyler grabs the box and begins rifling through them. There are dozens of tapes. It’s going to take us days, if not weeks, to go through them all.

  “Yes,” Tyler says with a grin. “The prophecy is stated in one of these tapes.”

  “Oooohhh,” they all say, leaning forward with excitement in their wide eyes.

  “Which one?” a bald woman asks.

  “I’m having a conversation with a man,” Tyler explains. “About stolen money, unibrows and a promotion.”

  “The Saint Nicholas,” the man beside him says. He reaches into the box, rifles through the tapes, and pulls one out. Tyler grins at me as the man runs to the tape recorder and pops it in. He takes a few seconds to find the spot, but when he does, he plays it loud enough for everyone to hear.

  Sure enough, Tyler and Nick’s scratchy voices ring out in the room.

  “You get girls now, your eyebrows only look slightly ridiculous, and you’re rich. I know because you’ve been stealing money from the company.”

  “I’ve been taking what’s rightfully mine.”

  “Stolen money from the company is rightfully yours?”

  “Yes. I deserve it. This company would be nothing without me.”

  “How much did you take?”

  “Millions. And I deserve every last penny.”

  “You don’t deserve any of it. And you don’t deserve this promotion. You deserve to go to jail.”

  Tyler hurries over, stops the tape player, and slips the tape into his pocket. He looks thrilled as he turns around and smiles at me.

  “You crazy fucks don’t know how happy you’ve made me,” he says, grinning as he walks back to my side. “I was about to press charges against you, but now I just want to give you all a hug.”

  One of the men leaps onto Tyler and hugs his waist. “It was a figure of speech,” Tyler says, pushing him to the floor.

  “Can we go now?” I ask, stepping back toward the door. Those pictures of me on the wall are creeping me out. I don’t want my head to be removed from my body and put on the fireplace mantel. I wouldn’t put anything past these freaks.

  “You can’t leave without giving us the prophecy,” a woman shrieks, looking terrified. “Please, blessed Prophets!”

  “All right,” I say, stepping forward. All eyes are on me as I puff out my chest and thrust my chin in the air. “Here is your prophecy from Fruity and Lupus.”

  “Franesca and Lukania,” one of them corrects.

  “Whatever.”

  Tyler laughs as he watches me. I stick my tongue out at him.

  “Everything will be okay from now on,” I say, looking them in the eyes one by one. “Leave this place. Go back to your families, your civilian clothes, for God’s sake grow your hair out, and try to enjoy your lives with someone you love.”

  They look confused as they turn to one another, muttering something about the center of the sun.

  “For only those who live a long, meaningful life full of laughter and love will enter the sun when they die,” I say. “That is the message from Franesca and Lukania.”

  Tyler clears his throat. “And the Gods also told us to tell you to delete any tapes or videos with us on it. Burn the pictures, destroy the tapes, stop tapping our phones, and stop following us.”

  “That’s right,” I say, nodding. “We have to go back to our dimension now and will be leaving these mortal bodies that we inhabited.”

  They look confused at first but begin nodding one by one.

  “Remember,” I say, grabbing Tyler and pulling him as I step back toward the door. “If you see these mortal bodies again, they will have no recollection of this event. We are the Prophets about to return home to our dimension, and these human bodies cannot ever know about us.”

  “That’s right,” Tyler says, nodding. “If you ever come near us again, you will be denied entry into the center of the sun.”

  They all gasp, looking horrified as they watch us.

  “Thank you, blessed Prophets!” one man says before throwing himself on the ground. They all quickly follow until every single cult member is lying on the ground with their foreheads pressed to the floor.

  Tyler and I look at each other with raised eyebrows as we quietly sneak out the door.

  “That was the weirdest moment of my life,” he says as we race through the Vietnamese restaurant and out the door.

  “Weirder than waking up married to a stranger?” I ask as we hurry down the sidewalk.

  He nods. “Yeah. Much weirder than that.”

  I laugh. “Where are we going now?”

  Tyler pulls the tape out of his pocket and grins at me. “We’re going to go save your factory.”

  30

  T
yler

  My father is having a meeting with Nick and Jason when I burst into his office with the tape in my hand.

  “I have something you have to listen to,” I say, ignoring my father when he snaps at me for interrupting them.

  He frowns as I walk up to the radio in his office. “I’ve seen enough of your tapes,” he says sternly. “Your mother and I are still recovering from the last one. She’s removed all of the pineapples from our house after seeing you try to make a baby with one.”

  “You’ll want to hear this,” I say, putting the tape in anyway.

  “We’re very busy,” Nick says with a hint of panic in his voice. “We don’t have time for more of your lies.”

  Dahlia is waiting in the lobby downstairs. She didn’t want to be here to remind my father of our own tape. Probably a smart move.

  Nick jumps up and rushes over as I slip the tape in. “If you don’t leave, I’m going to have security escort you out,” he says, grabbing my arm.

  “Nick,” Jason says, trying to calm the situation down. “Let him play the tape.”

  Nick reaches for the tape, but I shrug him off and hit play. He freezes as his voice fills the room.

  “How much did you take?”

  “Millions. And I deserve every last penny.”

  “You don’t deserve any of it. And you don’t dese—”

  Nick hits stop and turns to my father with open arms. “Lies,” he says, shaking his head. “More horrible lies like the one about his marriage. I’m afraid we can’t trust Tyler at all anymore.”

  My father looks at me with hard eyes. “Play it again. From the beginning.”

  Nick lunges for the tape player, and I push him back, flashing him a warning with my eyes. He is my cousin and we are in my father’s office, but I would still take any excuse I can get to knock him out cold. Jason seems to sense that and jumps between us, pushing his older brother away from me as Nick’s voice fills the room once again from the beginning of our conversation.

  My father listens attentively as we argue through his speakers.

  “That’s cute. Didn’t you hear your father back there? This whole building and every office in it is mine now. You’re only here because I’m allowing you to be here. That is, until the papers are signed and the company is officially mine. Then you and your paid wife will be out on the streets.”