by Claire Thake
“I didn’t imagine things would be this way, not in my wildest dreams did I think that you would ever make me feel as bad as you have, and hurt me as much as you have, but I know we need to sort this out for the sake of Ben and Emma. They are the important ones and we have to do what’s right as parents.”
Leah took a deep breath and sunk down next to him on the deck, dipping her toes slowly into the water.
“I know we need to talk about things," Ryan continued, "Although I wish I could avoid them forever, however, I think maybe if we are going to salvage any type of relationship from this holiday that we need to get everything out in the open as soon as possible so that we can spend the rest of the holiday trying to repair what we can.” Ryan breathed a huge sigh and kicked the water with his feet.
“I don’t know where to start,” Said Leah, picking nervously at her fingernails.
“How about the moment you realized you didn’t love me anymore?”
Leah felt as if she had been punched in the chest, the venom from Ryan’s words was obvious, and she should expect no less but it still hurt to hear it.
“I never stopped loving you Ryan, not really. It wasn’t that,”
“Then tell me what it was, come on let me know everything, and I won't say a word till you are finished.”
Leah took a big breathe in and wondered how to put things so not to anger Ryan further or to make the situation worse.
“This last year has been very hard on me Ryan. Not just on me but on the kids as well, you have been working so hard, we've hardly seen you let alone spent any quality time with you. When you were at home you locked yourself in your office for hours, or you would sit in front of the TV and ignore me all evening, making comment after comment, making me feel lazy, ugly and unwanted. I’ve woken up most days in bed alone after you had fallen asleep on the sofa, and to be honest, I started to think you didn’t want me anymore, and that you didn’t want to stay in the same room as me let alone the same bed.”
Leah tried her hardest not to cry, but she couldn’t help the stray tears which escaped and ran down her cheeks, which she wiped away with her fingers.
“You were so obsessed with your job, and every time we went to one of your work events, Melissa was all over you, flirting and turning on the charm in her extra short dresses, and I seriously thought there was a possibility that maybe the reason you were so mad on work was because of her, that maybe you were having an affair with her.
“When Greg messaged me through a school reunion chat group, at first, I didn’t even realize who he was; I was just enjoying the conversation, being able to be myself without having to put on a brave smile that I was happy like I did everyday to people in my everyday life. When I found out it was him, it felt wrong to continue talking but I was enjoying the company so I didn’t feel like I was doing anything wrong. Now I know I should have been honest with you, but I didn’t think that you would understand me talking to my ex-boyfriend,”
“That is where you would have been wrong Leah,” Ryan interrupted. “I would have trusted you as my wife, I would have been happy for you. I would have never suspected you to do what you did.”
“That night I left the event early with a headache, I took a cab home and I was so angry I couldn’t think straight, not to mention the alcohol I had drunk. I texted Greg and got him to meet me in the park, I figured if he came it was fate and if not then I should let everything drop, and well I sat on a bench and I didn’t think he was going to turn up. I was about to go home when he arrived.”
“Ryan, I know what I did was wrong, I know I ruined everything and I cannot make any excuses but all I can say is I just wanted to feel loved, I wanted to feel wanted and needed, the way a husband does towards his wife, the way I haven't felt for the past year. I did the wrong thing, I should have told you how I felt and tried to sort things out but I was so scared I would tear the family apart, but I ended up doing that anyway.”
“Yes, you should have spoken to me. I will admit Leah as I already have done so, that I know I haven’t been the best husband this year. The promotion was never promised and I had to prove I was up to the job or they would never have considered me, and yes at times I may have been very friendly with Mel, but hand on heart it was never more than a bit of office banter, and totally platonic, it would never be anything else even if she had tried because I took my marriage vows seriously and I loved my wife dearly, and I thought we had a good, strong marriage.”
Ryan kicked the water with his right foot, trying to find the right words to say, to make Leah understand how much her betrayal had really hurt him.
“The reason I was falling asleep on the sofa at nights wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with you, it was because I was exhausted. I used the tv as my way to wind down and try to forget about all the crazy stuff that was happening at work and then I would miss most of what I was watching as I would doze off to it.”
“Maybe I should have spoken to you more about the stresses of work, but I didn’t want to bring that part home with me, I didn’t want to burden you and the kids with the same stress that I had, but maybe the stress and exhaustion changed the way I behaved at home, but it was never intentional and I never meant for you to feel pushed away.”
Leah, closed her eyes “Do you still love me, Ryan?”
“Honestly yes, yes I do still love you, but at the same time, I despise you for what you have done. I’m not going to sugar coat this Leah, this is very hard for me even to be here with you, the thought of you with him makes me want to be sick every time I think about it.”
“I know what I did is unforgivable Ryan, but I really am so, so sorry, and I regret every single thing about what happened, and I wish I could just go back and change it all, make different decisions but I know I can’t, and I know this is all my fault. I just wish that there was a way we could work past this somehow, to get back what we once had.”
Ryan turned and looked a Leah, his eyes searching hers and seeing the desperation through her tears.
“I wish we could too Leah, but I don’t know if that’s possible. I need to clear my head, I’m going for a walk, back soon.”
Ryan stood up, and walked away from Leah, towards the main beach. Leah rubbed her hands over her tear stained face and knew the best place for her was back in the villa. She was exhausted and needed to have a sleep if that was at all possible with everything that was going through her head from Ryan’s words. Part of her, however, felt relieved that they had spoke and gotten things out in the open, after everything she had done he didn’t even owe her that much.
Back in the villa, Leah kicked off her flip flops, and changed into a thin yellow sundress, before moving the swan and heart towels from the bed, and gathering up the petals. She felt a fraud having such a romantic room when things were going to be far from romantic.
Lying on the bed, she stared at the ceiling, thoughts of everything doing laps around her head. She closed her eyes and wished they would go away so she could get some rest.
Leah wasn’t sure when she finally dropped off, but when she woke it was night time. Blinking she let she eyes adjust to the darkness, she looked around the room for Ryan, but couldn’t see him anywhere.
Sliding out of the bed, she slipped on her flip flops, and a thin shawl over her shoulders, before making her way out of the villa. She walked up the wooden walkway, and onto the beach. She hadn’t checked the time but she assumed it must have been late, as there was no one around. She scanned the beach, but couldn’t see Ryan anywhere so she continued walking up the beach towards the main resort, hoping to either find him or find someone who might have seen him.
“Leah!”
As she got further up the sand, she heard Ryan call her name, she turned towards the sound and saw him sitting alone on a huge hammock swing. She walked up and stood in front of him, holding her shawl tightly around her shoulders.
“Come and sit down,” Ryan said, patting the empty space beside him. Leah did as he said, mak
ing sure not to get too close as she didn’t want him to feel as if she was pushing him.
“Its fine Leah, I won’t bite.” Leah smiled and shifted a bit closer.
“I was worried, I woke up in the villa, and you weren’t there, so thought I would come and try and find you.”
“I came back earlier; you were out for the count, so I thought it was best to just leave you to sleep. It's been nice for me to have some time to myself, to have time to think about things.”
Leah nodded and wondered where his thoughts had taken him and if she should be worried about the outcome.
“This isn’t easy for me Leah, as I’ve said time and time again, but as I’ve also said I still love you and I don’t want to tear this family apart either. I will try my best to work through this, to work through things not only for Ben and Emma but for us as well. I don’t know If I can, but I will try.”
Leah smiled up at him and felt a huge sense of hope, a feeling she hadn’t felt once in this entire situation. Ryan moved his hand and placed it over Leah’s on the hammock, linking his fingers with hers. She glanced at their hands and back up to Ryan but he was staring out to sea and not looking at her. She squeezed his hand, and the warm touch of his fingers sent a rush of love through her body. She really had made a terrible mistake. Ryan was her soulmate, and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, and vowed then to spend every day for the rest of her life making it up to him.
“Are you hungry? You didn’t get any dinner?” Ryan asked, finally meeting her gaze.
“I totally didn’t even think about food, but no, I’m fine. I think I'm too tired still to think about eating.”
“Yeah, it's been an exhausting few days definitely. Come on then let's get back and get some sleep.”
Ryan stood up from the hammock, and they walked hand in hand back to the villa. Leah never wanted to let go of his hand, but once they were in the villa he let go and adjusted the air conditioning, before pulling off his T-shirt. Leah stood and admired her husband's physique. For a man who worked in an office and didn’t hit the gym as much as he should do, he was in good shape, and she wanted nothing more than to run her hands over the taut muscles of his back.
Pulling herself out of her thoughts, she slipped off the sun dress she was still wearing from earlier, and changed into a nightdress, but this time, she didn’t change in the bathroom. She knew Ryan was still attracted to her and seeing her in a state of undress she was hoping would affect him in the same was as it did her, seeing him.
Leah slid under the covers and pulled them up. Ryan stood by the bed, looking confused and torn.
“Are you okay?” Leah asked, suddenly feeling scared at his lack of movement.
“Yeah, I’m fine, I was just wondering if this is right, I mean if it's okay for us to be sharing the same bed after everything, I don’t know if it's too soon.”
“Ryan, please I don’t want to sleep without you. I'm not expecting anything to happen but sleep, so please be aware of that. Maybe this is the first step of trying to move forward. Plus that sofa doesn’t look that comfy for sleeping on.”
Ryan nodded in agreement and rubbed his right hand over his head, “Okay, okay Leah. I guess you are right.”
Ryan slid into the other side of the bed carefully and laid down. Leah could feel the confusion and apprehension, rolling off him in waves. She turned away from him on her side, so as to make him not feel she was trying to pressure him into anything.
Ten minutes later, Leah felt the bed move and Ryan’s hand slid around her waist and pulled her close. She sighed in relief and moved her hand to cover his before closing her eyes. She knew having him close would make her sleep much better.
They both woke early, with the high temperatures fighting the air conditioning and both of them were clammy from the stifling heat.
Leah sat up and stretched, before making her way to the bathroom, to brush her teeth and take a refreshing shower before starting the day. She also needed five minutes to herself to think about how to handle the situation she was in, as she didn’t want to come on too strong and make Ryan run away, yet she didn’t want him to think she wasn’t interested in things either.
After they both had showered and dressed, they made their way up to the main resort, to the open air restaurant for breakfast, and by now both of them were famished, having not eaten since the plane, and neither of them had eaten much of that either.
Leah sat down at a small two seater table, a plate of croissants, and toast in front of her, a small bowl of fruit and a cup of coffee. Ryan sat opposite her, with a full English breakfast and a glass of orange juice.
“I’m so hungry, I feel like I could eat a horse,” Muttered Ryan, cutting into a sausage and popping it into his mouth.
“You shouldn’t say that around here Ry, they might eat horse over here,”
“I’m not actually sure, to be honest, but please don’t bring that up while I’m eating sausages,” Ryan chuckled, whilst continuously tucking into his food.
Leah cut open her croissant and spread the middle with butter and jam, before taking a bite of the sweet pastry. Both of them ate in record time where they felt famished, with only a few small crumbs left behind.
“So what do you want to do today?” Ryan asked before drinking his orange juice down in one go.
“I don’t know to be honest, what is there to do here?”
“Loads, jet skiing, water skiing, scuba diving, swimming, sunbathing, or you can catch the coach excursions and go further afield and swim with the dolphins.
“Wow, so much to choose from. I’ve always wanted to swim with the dolphins, though.”
“Okay finish your coffee then, and we can talk to reception about it.”
Chapter 18
The two weeks away in the Maldives, went so fast, that Leah could hardly believe it. She was folding and packing items into her case and Ryan had popped out to take a final dip in the pool but she felt exhausted and decided to stay behind to get organized for going home the following day.
Leah gently folded one of her t-shirts and placed it in the case before flopping down on the bed and wiping her hand across her forehead. Things with Ryan had been amazing, they had had a wonderful time and got along really well despite no physical interactions baring cuddling at night.
Leah stared at the ceiling wondering what would happen when they went home. Would she be going back to her home? The home she shared with Ryan and her beautiful children, or would she be going back to Carrie’s flat alone. She really had no idea what was going on in Ryan’s thoughts in regards to their relationship, and she knew she couldn’t expect him just to forgive and forget after two weeks, but she felt that they had moved forward somewhat since they had been away.
Before long, Ryan came back, water dripping off his toned body as he dried his hair with a towel, and Leah couldn’t stop herself from staring.
“That feels a bit better, so much more refreshing after being in this heat, although I’m betting once we get home it's going to feel like the arctic,”
Leah nodded, wondering once again where home would be for her when they returned.
“I need to call Carrie before we leave tomorrow, she wants to know when we are due to arrive back, as she was planning on meeting me at the airport,”
Ryan physically stiffened at the mention of Carrie meeting Leah at the airport, and she wondered what was going through his mind.
“Are you planning on going back to Carrie’s flat when we get back?” Ryan asked, staring at the floor, his voice devoid of emotion and Leah couldn’t guess what he was thinking.
“I assumed so; to be honest, I wasn’t sure what you wanted me to do,”
“That’s not my decision to make,”
Leah sat up and started chewing her nails, not understanding what Ryan meant. How was it not his decision?
“Ryan, my head is spinning in circles here, this is your decision, I want to come home but after everything, it's your decision if I do
or not.”
“Do you want to come home?”
“More than anything I’ve ever wanted,” A tear escaped and ran down Leah’s cheek, she wanted to go home and be a family again more than she had ever wanted anything in her entire life.
Ryan sighed, and rubbed his hands across his face,
“I can’t say that I’m over what has happened Leah because I’m not, and it's going to take a long time to ever get over it all, however, I do still love you and I know I would be an idiot to throw it all away. You can come home if you want to, but only if that’s what you want, If you would rather be with that other guy then don’t string me along, it wouldn’t be fair on me or the kids,”
“Oh god no! no, no, no, I don’t want him Ryan, the only man I want is you! The only man I have ever wanted is you, I just couldn’t see it and I wish I could take back everything I have done, I regret every minute of it,”
Ryan put his hand up and stopped Leah from continuing,
“That’s all I need to hear, however, Leah I do have some provisions to you coming home,”
“Okay,” Leah said, a confused expression on her face,
“Firstly, I want us to attend marriage counselling, I don’t like the idea but I think it would help us move forward to get everything out in the open with the help of a professional, secondly, I want you to change your mobile number and promise me that you will never have contact with him again, thirdly I want us to dedicate one night a week for us to have a night out, just the two of us, to make time for each other, as I think that’s been a big part of the problem, and I accept responsibility for that, and I promise that I will never let work get in the way of us and family again.”
“That all sounds fine, in fact, its better than fine.”
Leah, climbed over the bed and put her arms around Ryan and leant her chin on his shoulder, “Thank you,” She whispered.
“Don’t expect things to get better overnight Leah please, because they won’t.”