Finding Our Way

by Ahren Sanders

  “How?”

  “She had taken all my kindness and sincerity of the loss as an indication that we were okay—as a couple. Her counselor was surprised to learn I had no feelings towards her. It took several more weeks to get Holli to a good place and then she transferred at the end of the semester. I helped her parents pack her up to move back to Utah and then set about getting my life straight again.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “Yeah, I never fully dealt with the loss. Guilt and sadness plagued me. I went home for two weeks and used that time to figure out what was killing me inside.”

  “I’m so sorry. I’m sure the loss of your unborn child took a toll on you. Then taking care of the mother for almost nine months.”

  “You see, that’s what everyone would think. But when I got away from the bullshit of school and the pressure of the weekend drills and Holli, I found the root of my problem. It was the look of the angel coming down the stairs and seeing another woman wrapped around me, carrying my child, that haunted me.”

  I suck in a breath and meet most intense stare of my life. Bryce’s expression is blank and dejected.

  “I hurt, sweet girl, when I lost my baby. I had feelings of loss, sadness, and emptiness. But that didn’t compare to the way I felt when you looked at me when you met Holli and she indicated she was pregnant. The light in your beautiful green eyes died. The color on you face vanished. The overzealous energy in your body deflated. That loss was the most devastating thing I ever felt. I knew in that moment I was the cause and it killed me. Losing a child you never knew was crushing, but losing you was heart breaking.”

  “Holy shit,” is the only thing that comes to mind.

  “Yeah. Then you ignoring me, and the bullshit text messages drove me insane. Your stubbornness to stay away, your hiding—everything had me going fucking crazy. I decided to stop the shit tonight.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I’ve spent the last few months working my ass off and calling in every favor I have. Starting with tonight. When I didn’t hear from you in the two days, a few friends helped me get to Virginia and then on this flight. Thank God the flight attendants are romantics at heart. The man back there knew I was coming after you as soon as the plane took off.”

  “Why did you go to all the trouble, why not wait until I arrived in Aspen to blindside me?”

  “I couldn’t wait any longer. And because I’m going to prove to you that I’m the man you cared about and bring that light back to your eyes.”

  “Bryce—”

  “No, Devon. I just laid my shit out. Can you handle it?”

  “Handle what exactly? The fact that you got a woman pregnant and cared for her until she was well through the loss of your child? Or the fact that once again, you proved how awesome you are through your devotion and commitment to do the right thing? What are you looking for?”

  “I’m looking for your forgiveness. I’m looking for your happiness, your devotion, your own commitment. I’m looking for my Devon to come back to me.”

  “There’s nothing to forgive.”

  “Yes, there is, I let you down. I never want to see that look on your face again. It was my undoing. There aren’t enough apologies in the world to make up for ruining your birthday and graduation. But I’m going to try to erase the terrible memory from your mind. You were always the bright star to my sky. Everyone knew it but me until it was too late.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, my parents, your parents, Nate, everyone knew. I was too stupid to see it and when you disappeared from my life, I knew it too. You’re my girl, Devon. You’re meant to be mine.”

  “Things have changed, Bryce, I’ve changed.”

  “How so?”

  “I have a life I love in Virginia. I changed my major; I’m applying to MFA program. I may be young, but I’ve set my dreams differently then a naïve eighteen year old.”

  “You weren’t naïve.”

  “Following a crazy crush to college with my best friend? Yeah, it’s safe to say I was naïve.”

  “I was looking forward to it.”

  “Until you got your easy lay pregnant.” It flies from my lips before I can stop myself. His face falls and a guard goes up.

  “That was uncalled for, I’m sorry. I just have lived with her face as she held you close and told me you were having a baby for a long time. The image is burned in my brain.”

  “Let’s not mention it again,” he answers without emotion.

  “I have to know something… It’s always been in the back of my mind. If the situation was reversed, and I introduced you to the man responsible for knocking me up. He shook your hand and said he was my fiancé. What would you do?”

  The shades of fury cloud his face and he drinks his beer in one sip.

  “I’d wait for Nate to castrate him, then I’d kill him slowly. No doubt, he would pay for taking what’s mine.”

  “I’m hardly yours!” I scoff.

  “You’ve always been mine. Now it’s time to prove it.”

  “Bryce, it’s no secret, you hurt me. I was stupid and young. I fell in love with the fifteen-year-old boy who was nice to me. If you want my forgiveness, you have it. But we can only be friends. My heart is slowly healing from a one-sided schoolgirl crush.”

  “Who said it was one-sided?”

  “The fact that I came face to face with Holli seems to prove my point.”

  “After tonight, we don’t talk about anyone else but you and me. Holli was part of my life I’ll never forget, but she’s gone.”

  Before I can help myself, I blurt out, “Are there others?”

  “You mean women I’ve had sex with?”

  “Yes.”

  “Yeah, baby, there are. But I’m done.”

  “No more sex?” I ask confused.

  “We’ll see. For now, we need to rest. I have a feeling your parents and brother will have a welcome party when we arrive.”

  “I don’t want to rest now…I want to talk more!”

  He ignores me and stands, pulling me with him then sits in my seat, stretching his long legs across the two spaces and laying me against him.

  I want to fight him so badly, but my body betrays me and I fall asleep on his chest, listening to the beat of his heart.

  Chapter 3

  “Nate, if you shove me, it will be one more reason I kill you in your sleep!” I scream at my brother behind me, eyeing the hill below.

  “One more, huh?”

  “Yeah, you jackass! Why didn’t you tell me Bryce broke up with Holli? Or the fact they were never engaged? Why did you all let me think he was going to marry her? Surely Mom and Dad knew they weren’t engaged, but you all let me believe they were together. ”

  “Would it have mattered? For a while I wasn’t sure how their relationship would go. She used the baby to manipulate him. Then once everything happened, you finally moved on. Cheering, dating, everything was good with you.”

  “You could have shared.”

  “I didn’t want you caught up in their drama. It went on for a long time. Even though we all knew they weren’t engaged and her feelings were one-sided, he kept helping her. I personally wanted to keep you as far away from that as possible.”

  His words sink in and I realize he was looking out for me. “I’ll forgive you, but only because you were looking out for me. Now let’s see who can get to cocktail hour fastest!” I push off and get a great wind, speeding down as Nate fumbles with his snowboard.

  When I get to the bottom before him, I make a mad dash to the condo. Even though a drink sounds great, I’m desperate to talk to Quinn.

  She answers on the first ring and I scoot to the edge of the patio to see if anyone comes in.

  “How much time you have?” I ask quickly.

  “As long as you need.”

  “Good, you’re gonna need it.” I replay everything that’s happened in the last twenty-four hours.

  “So what happened when you got to
the condo?”

  “Everyone was awake and waiting for us. We ordered room service and watched TV. I pretended to be exhausted and went to bed. Then stayed up all night trying to make sense of everything.”

  “What happened this morning?”

  “I stayed hidden until Nate finally knocked on my door. The Randolph’s had an early morning ski class. Bryce probably didn’t need the refresher, but I was glad not to face him. My parents had breakfast for us and we successfully dodged the ‘Devon and Bryce’ conversation. Then I went skiing with Nate. Now, I ran off to call you while the condo is empty.”

  “Do we have the proper amount of time to truly break this down?”

  “No.”

  “So how real can I be without you freaking out? More so, without you sneaking away to get on a plane and making a fool out of yourself?”

  “Quinn! I’m not a flight risk, anymore. As much as I want to run, it would kill my parents. Besides, I’ve matured. Packing up and running out of here would show glaring signs of immaturity.”

  “How many times have you thought about leaving? Be honest.”

  “Three,” I sigh into the phone. “But I really did change my mind. It was just panic at being in the same house with him for so long. So it’s your job to help me figure out a way to get through this.”

  “I think you need to go with the flow. See how things happen.”

  “That is your advice? Surely you have something better than that.”

  “Nope, that’s it.”

  “You saw me, Quinn. You lived with me. You know how badly he hurt me.”

  “Devon, I hate to tell you this, but being the awesome BFF that I am, it’s time you wake up to a dose of reality. I was there too when Holli made her announcement. I watched the devastation and dread fill Bryce’s eyes. It was obvious to me he cared a lot more for you then he’d ever let on. But because of the situation and impending breakdown, it was my decision to never bring it up again. Months later when you were starting to recover, it was obvious you had changed. Sure you still tell goofy jokes and a quirky sense of humor, but now you’re guarded.

  “You’ve never given any other guy a chance. And to be honest, I was surprised at your reaction when Holli miscarried. You sent a fucking card. You didn’t call, you didn’t go home, you never even really acknowledged the loss, and how it may have affected Bryce. You were a different Devon.”

  “I was hurting still, and trying to protect myself.”

  “From what? You had to know that if things progressed you couldn’t hide from their relationship forever.”

  “I wasn’t hiding!”

  “Yes, you were. But that’s okay. I’ve supported you forever. I’ll continue to support you until we’re old spinsters rockin’ the nursing home. But if you want my advice, let it go. Be kind, be funny, be yourself. Lose the tension, because believe me, I’m sure everyone around you feels it. Be his friend, Devon, just like you were. Remember the whole maturity thing? This is the time to show it. You have to let go of the past, it’s done.”

  Tears overflow onto my cheeks and I let a small sob escape. “Quinn, I’ll try. But sometimes I still lie in bed at night with a racing heart and feel the pain crushing me. It makes me so mad, because it’s ridiculous how obsessed I was with him. Almost creepy.”

  “No, it’s called young love. First love. And some say it’s the most intense of your lifetime. I, for one, believe that theory having watched you.”

  “How’d you get so philosophically smart?”

  “I read every smut book that comes out. I’m finding them to be extremely educating about love and sex. Maybe when we’re in Miami, I can test the sex part out.”

  “You better not, remember we’re splitting a room. No more hairy ass wake up calls for me.”

  “That was one time!”

  “Still have nightmares about the poodle I was sure he sat on.” I double over laughing at my own joke. If I’m blessed to live to one-hundred, I’ll never forget walking into my kitchen one morning and seeing Quinn wrapped up on the couch with her date from the night before. Before I could stop myself, I screamed because his ass was bare and I swear the way his balls were hanging made it look like he had a toupee down there. He jumped up quickly, which put his whole package on display. He was just a hairy guy.

  “Fucking Devon, it wasn’t that bad!”

  I’m laughing too hard to respond. The tears running down my cheeks are now happy tears. Quinn starts giggling with me and soon we are both gasping, trying to catch our breaths.

  “Okay, smartass. Since you started it, let’s play the game.”

  “No way!”

  “Oh yeah, bitch. It’s only fair.”

  “You know what? You’re right—I’ll give you four. That’s it.”

  “Four will do because I’m picking my favorites.”

  “If you have favorites that means you already know the problem. Why do you love this game?”

  “Because it’s fucking hilarious. How do we both continue to pick up the weirdest guys on a campus of twenty four thousand?”

  “Don’t know, but go. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be alone.”

  “Mmmm, where should I start? Let’s go with Mandel.”

  “That’s easy, it was the curry. He smelled like curry. It oozed out of his body like he bathed in the shit. When he tried to kiss me I almost threw up in his mouth. It took me a week to get the smell off me.”

  “I love that! Tell me about Bobby again?”

  “He humped my back! Don’t you remember? We were lying on the couch and he started moving weird. He thought I was asleep, which is creepy in itself, but then he finished, reached over me for a Kleenex and then tried to snuggle.

  “Then there’s Eli, who had awesome lips. Sad that he didn’t know how to use them. At all.”

  Roars come through the phone as Quinn continues to laugh.

  “Want to hear about Philip again?”

  Her snort is my answer.

  “When he slid his hand down my pants, he went for the wrong spot. I had to redirect his fingers, which still didn’t help his cause.”

  “Stop! Stop! I remember that chump. God, he was good to look at but no skills. I thought guys learned that when they went through puberty.”

  “I’m not going back for seconds.”

  “Oh my God, Devon, I have a great idea. Let’s create a manual on the female anatomy as a coffee table book.”

  “That’s disgusting, but brilliant. We can start on that when we get back from Miami. We can even put instructional slides. I can see it now. If you want to date me and get past second base, please read this manual first.”

  “Are you fucking kidding me?” an angry growl comes from the patio door and I whip around. Bryce is standing in the doorway with his arms crossed looking extremely pissed.

  “Danger, Will Robinson! I must go, we are no longer alone,” I say quietly into the phone.

  “Okay, be careful, remember what I said. Talk to you tomorrow. Love you.”

  “Love you too.” I hang up and turn back to Bryce. Quinn’s words ring through my head and I smile at him.

  “Hi, Bryce, what are you doing back here?”

  “Looking for you. Actually everyone is looking for you. Nate said you were supposed to meet at the bar after your last run.”

  “I needed to call Quinn. But we can go now.”

  “You going to tell me what you needed to talk to her about?” he rumbles.

  “Nope, just know that I talk to Quinn all the time and about everything. Now, let’s go meet everyone.” I try to walk past him, but he reaches around and pulls my back to his front, wrapping his arms around me.

  “Devon, I’m not going to let you ignore me. Make this easy on yourself.”

  “See, Bryce, that’s where you should be thanking Quinn. I’m not ignoring you anymore. What’s done is done. It’s time to move on. You asked for my forgiveness, you have it. You want to be friends again, we are. This is me not ignoring you.”


  He kisses my cheek gently and lets me go, but not without linking our hands together and pulling me behind him through the condo.

  Oh boy, nine more days of this is going to be the biggest test of my life.

  ~~~~~

  “Daylight Savings Time!” I scream and the other ladies cheer. The three of us dance around and high five. We’ve been playing Pictionary for an hour and beat the guys every round. Groans surround us as the group of sore losers lay back on the sofa.

  “I think it was a terrible idea to have men against women,” Nate complains.

  “Hey! There’s four of you. It was your idea,” I remind him.

  “Yeah, but I forgot that Dad draws like a preschooler.”

  “Don’t be a sore loser. Get me some wine.” I thrust my empty glass in his face. He rolls his eyes but losing team has to wait on the winners.

  “Dev, I think my body needs a break from skiing tomorrow. The last three days have made me sore. You want to go shopping with us?” my mom asks pointing between her and Sheila.

  “Yes.”

  “Okay, this old man is going to bed,” my dad announces and kisses my head before slapping Nate on the back.

  I sip my wine and watch all the parents go to their beds. After I listened to Quinn’s advice and decided to move on, this vacation has been perfect. It’s almost exactly like old times. Nate, Bryce, and I have spent the days running the courses.

  I’m not dumb, I know my mom wants to shop tomorrow to get me alone and ask me about Bryce. She’s been eyeing me with a knowing look since walking in the door the first night. Even my dad winks at me when we make eye contact. Sheila and Dave have been especially sweet and loving. When I went into my self-imposed exile from home, I forced myself to think of them taking sides with Holli. But now that I knew the truth about their feelings of obligation to the baby and not her, I feel bad for not contacting them when moving to Virginia.

  “You wanna watch a movie?” Nate asks Bryce and me. I nod but Bryce’s phone rings and he leaves the room to answer. My ears immediately perk up, but it’s none of my business.

  “Finally, I have you alone for a few minutes.” My brother scoots closer.