Come On Inner Peace

by Sachin Garg

  In the next eight hours, I had read everything written about cooking Meth on Google, researching on every ingredient, where we could get it, and for how much.

  Phew. Information overload; I needed to calm myself down. I needed to organize the information. I needed to plan and prioritize. I had to think of an action plan. I had to refresh my skills in the Chemistry Lab.

  It was at ten in the night that I felt I was ready and we could start with the actual work from the next morning. I was sitting in my room and I felt like sharing the news with Vandana. I walked into her room. I forgot to knock because of the excitement.

  What I saw was a shocker. Vandana was lying on her bed, staring at nothing, with tears rolling down her eyes.

  I didn’t know how to react for a second.

  ‘I was making tea for myself. You need one too?’ I awkwardly asked her.

  She nodded. And when tea was ready, I called her to the balcony to have it.

  I couldn’t beat around the bush.

  ‘Vandana, you remember how you once said that you will tell me your story when the time comes?’

  ‘Yes. I do.’

  ‘I think the time has come.’

  Vandana Speaks

  Vandana was always a bright child. She was born and brought up on the streets of Patiala and had typical features of Punjab embedded in every cell of her body. She was a family star because of the poems she could recite at four and the track and field events she could win at the age of twelve. Everybody could gauge that she was way ahead of her peer group. Even though it amused everyone, it worried Vandana’s mom as she thought that it would be difficult to get suitors to marry her sharp and cut-above-the-rest girl.

  There was no culture of studies for girls beyond twelfth standard in her family. This legacy was so deeply internalized by Vandana that she didn’t even realize that she should study further.

  But she was lucky that she was spotted by Divya ma’am. Divya had an eye for sharp brains and gregarious chatty extroverts. The two started talking, and Divya managed to successfully dazzle her with the beauty of the city of New Delhi. Vandana wanted to take the next bus to Delhi.

  Hell broke loose in the Manchanda household that day. But Vandana’s father was a progressive fellow and he let his daughter go, even though he knew they would never be able to relate to their daughter again if she went to Delhi. She would adapt to Delhi like a bird does to the sky and become an alien to Patiala.

  Divya had an Interior Designing firm in South Delhi and Vandana began as an office help: making tea for the employees, dusting before they came in, and delivering papers and getting print outs. On the first day, she was darn scared of a computer. She thought it was a state of the art machine, which can fall apart by one wrong touch and can completely crash by the press of a wrong key.

  But slowly and gradually, she started noticing the patterns in the way people worked on the computer. She started realizing that the people working on those machines were not exceptionally sharper than her. And then she decided to sit down in front of the computer and just experiment until things started making sense.

  Divya loved her for her sincerity. Vandana was not outstandingly pretty but she was definitely presentable. And she had the knack of learning things much faster than other people. Divya asked her to move in with her, and leave behind the small room that Vandana had rented. They started living together and Vandana took on the task of cooking for her too.

  Soon, Vandana learnt as much as a regular draftsman in Divya’s office. Her salary rose too, and also the respect she got from people in the office. She was naturally likeable and it worked for her. She had gotten used to the city. She felt no urge to go back to Patiala, as the rustic ways of that city would now seem foreign to her. Delhi was her new pace and home. Weeks passed into months and further into years.

  Divya was unmarried and almost reaching thirty then. She was a chain smoker. She fitted every stereotype of a spoilt brat and the fact that her firm was doing well she had a lot of time on her hands to stay spoilt.

  But Vandana began to notice things she couldn’t understand. Even though Divya lived alone, she never got male guests. Instead, she spent disproportionate amounts of time in her bedroom with some of her female friends. Divya had short hair, lean body and wore heaps of kajal in her eyes every single day. The more Vandana noticed Divya, the surer she became that Divya actually liked girls, instead of boys, even though there was no single reason which she could pin point.

  The suspense ended when Vandana spotted Divya kissing one of her female friends in the living room. Divya had forgotten than Vandana was around and huge part of her was relieved that finally Vandana knew that Divya was a lesbian. Divya had cultivated a liking for Vandana in those months.

  So the next night that Divya drank, she offered vodka to Vandana too. Vandana would have said no if she knew how to say no to Divya. That only egged on Divya, making her believe that Vandana will succumb to anything.

  But when Divya made her real advances, Vandana backed out. She told her that even though she respected and loved Divya in her own way, she couldn’t bring herself to do it, no matter what.

  Divya backed out on that night but Vandana became a continuous tease for her. She would shop for her and encourage her to wear dresses and flaunt her body. It turned her on, and she derived a weird pleasure from having a tease in front of her eyes all day long.

  It had started off as Vandana being an office help. But they were now more like two friends living together, one of which didn’t do any domestic chore. Eventually, Vandana joined a Diploma course in Interior Designing. It was a two year course and Divya didn’t have any qualms about sponsoring the fee. And the next thing she knew, Vandana was more capable than her employees who had three year degrees on their CVs.

  It was Vandana’s twenty third birthday. She told Vandana she had to come out with her for dinner as they just had to celebrate her birthday in style. Divya called up Vandana and asked her to come downstairs in the parking where she was waiting.

  When Vandana reached downstairs, she was blown away by what she saw. Divya was standing in front of her car wearing a black tuxedo, like a gentleman. She had a pencil moustache probably made with her kajal and she was wearing a hat, covering her hair.

  Divya did look like a gentleman.

  ‘You had a problem with my gender. Well today, I am a guy,’ Divya said in a husky voice.

  Vandana had no idea how to react. But she was overwhelmed with the effort put by Divya. Divya escorted Vandana to her seat in the car, and together they drove to a fine dine restaurant.

  When they reached back home, both of them were slightly more than tipsy. And both of them knew what was to follow.

  Divya closed the door behind her, as both of them entered the flat. Every line Divya spoke in her husky tone, Vandana got a little turned on.

  Vandana had never slept with anyone before. And at twenty three, her hormones had begun to play with her mind. She needed to experience what a physical touch was like. And Divya was the only one with whom she was comfortable enough. So when Divya put in so much effort, Vandana’s decided to give in that night.

  Their heads moved forward. For the first time in Vandana’s life, she was going to kiss a person, even though this was not how she had imagined her first kiss to be.

  But after a few seconds, Vandana was overcome with a sinking feeling. She wasn’t supposed to like this.

  ‘We should stop,’ she said, gently, pushing Divya away.

  ‘It’s too late to stop,’ Divya said, and held Vandana’s head with her hands and kissed her again.

  ‘But it’s not right.’

  Divya wanted to give up. She didn’t want to force herself; but lust overcame the better of her. She couldn’t stop herself.

  Vandana was enjoying it physically but her mind was not ready for it. Her breasts wanted Divya to feel them, her erect nipples and the lumps in her throat vouched for it. Divya’s tongue on the tender veins on the tilted neck of
Vandana made her stomach stir with pleasure. And to top it all, Divya’s words and heavy sighs were driving her crazy.

  Vandana reciprocated and they plunged into it.

  It was smooth at first. Divya was giving her space enough to get comfortable with their nakedness. She explored Vandana’s levelled body. She gripped her fleshy love handles which made Vandana a little conscious. She whispered praises about Vandana’s curves in her ears as she roved around. Vandana let her take charge.

  And then Divya unlocked the drawer in which she stacked her toys. Vandana felt the ecstasy of those powerful vibrators rubbing between her thighs. She found herself involuntarily moving her hips. Divya then licked Vandana’s fingers and guided them inside her body. The moans kindled Vandana to pleasure her partner more.

  Vandana experienced the sweetness of sweat, the thrill of her lost inhibitions and wonder of an orgasm for the first time.

  When Divya had slept off, Vandana started doing exactly what she shouldn’t have done. She got introspective.

  She realized she needed a direction in life. She sat in silence and was enveloped by negative thoughts. She thought of her parents and what they expected of her. The little conversation she had with them had gotten increasingly strained ever since she got used to Delhi. They wanted her to get married, that too in Patiala, even though her Dad knew this was unlikely. And here she was now, having bared herself in front of another woman because of lust.

  She thought how her father would react if he came to know. Honour killing wasn’t impossible. And disowning was an absolute surety.

  She decided to try sleeping, instead of pinning her sexual orientation. While she was going to bed, she knew that whatever just happened was not one of those instances that they would laugh over a few years down the line. She could not go back to Patiala and she did not actually need a man either.

  Vandana did not expect Divya to enter their room with morning coffee but she did expect some warmth and intimacy after the last night.

  Divya had already taken a shower and was getting ready to go somewhere. Vandana, sitting up on the bed, asked her about her schedule for the day. Divya, while applying her deep red nail paint, replied, ‘I’m going to see Tanya.’ Vandana knew about Tanya from her frequent visits and long stays in Divya’s room. And Divya, left the house, only to come back late after midnight. Divya, who had waited for her almost the entire day, could instantly smell cigarette from her clothes and alcohol from her breath. She put the semi-conscious Divya to bed. Vandana knew the wayward woman Divya was. She’s never been in a committed relationship before and her partners changed frequently too. And yet, she wanted to sit down and have a serious conversation about her fidelity.

  Next morning Divya woke Vandana up to get her some lime water, which was to tone down her hangover. Vandana tried talking to her, but she thought she’d hear out first. Divya started hurling abuses at Tanya. She had left Divya for someone else. Vandana kept mum. Hiding her own pain and agony, she tried calming Divya down.

  Life went by without Vandana realizing a thing. After a point, her family gave up on her. She stopped getting invites of her cousin’s weddings and her annual summer visit was discontinued in her twenty seventh birthday. Divya made love to her only when she was shit drunk and alone at home. But this was enough sexual gratification for Vandana. She made peace with it. She couldn’t imagine doing anything with anyone else.

  Vandana fell for the terrible want which slowly became a need. Now that she had Divya once, she wanted her again. She was suddenly more dependent than Divya was. And it’s only human nature to want what you can’t have.

  Divya’s partners never stopped flowing in. Vandana’s body was more or less objectified to Divya as per her needs. She took Vandana for granted. She knew that whatever she does, she always had Vandana waiting for her at home. Vandana tolerated everything till the time she could. She knew Divya loved her and was dependent on her but she was too free spirited to be committed to one person for life.

  Years went by, until Divya reached her early fifties. The Interior Designing firm now had a good team of twenty. And Vandana hadn’t visited the office for a decade. She was in her late thirties herself. Most people knew they were a couple. And that Divya wasn’t really the faithful types.

  Over the last two years, Vandana had picked up a chronic cough, which she thought was due to allergy or some local recurring infection. But weeks passed and medicines couldn’t heal it. She started spending sleepless nights due to shortness of breath and shooting pain in the chest, sometimes extending to her shoulders. She had also passed out four times within seven weeks. Worst of all, Divya didn’t notice any of it. She would casually inquire her but not notice the consistency of Vandana’s falling health graph.

  Vandana knew enough to know that she couldn’t take it lightly now. Both, her illness and Divya’s callousness towards her. But this was life as she knew it. It’s not easy to break inertia of almost twenty years. But she would have to do it. She had some money with her. And Divya came back home that evening, Vandana was not there. She had moved out.

  After a few rejections, she got herself a job at another interior designing firm. She rented herself a flat and paid her first visit to the doctor after settling down. Vandana also changed her number; so Divya could have had no way of locating her.

  After she discussed her symptoms with the doctor, she was immediately ordered to undergo various examinations. Thankfully, she had enough cash to pay for the tests.

  The MRI made her feel claustrophobic. The X-rays made her feel sick. The various blood tests were actually a respite because they didn’t pain as much as she had expected. And when she was done with all the tests, she waited to see the look on the doctor’s face when he saw the reports.

  She craved for someone to hold onto. Somebody whom she could hold tight and express how scared she was, maybe shed a tear or two. A part of her thought that maybe there was something wrong with her: She couldn’t keep up with her parents. And then she couldn’t hold Divya’s attention too. Did she deserve to die alone? And die of a disease she couldn’t have thought would ever happen to her.

  It was lung cancer.

  On her way back home, Vandana prayed that no one ever had to sit through being told that she had lung cancer. But more than that, she prayed that no one would have sit through being told that she had lung cancer alone. No one should have no-one to call to share the sorrow with. No one should feel the way she was feeling at that moment.

  She went home. She had told the doctor that she would be back the next day, better mentally prepared. The doctor agreed to wait, as the cancer hadn’t spread too much. Not as yet.

  The next day, the doctor laid out the situation in front of her. Her cancer hadn’t spread too much. But the treatment was expensive. But he also laid out the options of getting funding for her treatment. But Vandana went on her tangent inside her head.

  What she heard was, ‘You can either ask Divya or your parents for help. Or you can die peacefully, alone.’

  She knew that she was perhaps not in the best of frame of minds to make a decision. She had already lost her self-respect in front Divya and did not want to go back to her. She had insulted Vandana enough and taken away her cheer from her; she would not beg in front of her now. Her parents had been out of the picture for way too long. The last thing she wanted to tell her seventy year old parents was that she was dying and needed her help after having ignored them for two decades.

  And then she thought who was she living for? Or rather, who would miss her if she was gone? She had broken every relationship that had come her way.

  With these thoughts in mind, she decided that the expensive treatment was not for her. And decided to spend her final few days doing something she wanted to do in her final few days. Meditate. And be happy.

  That’s how, with a cancer struck body, Vandana landed at the Ashram. She needed strength to accept her end. And nobody else could give it to her. It had to come from within. And the o
nly way she knew she could get that was through meditation.

  It was May when she had landed there. And the moment she stepped in the Ashram, she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life (whatever remained of it) in this place. She had initially applied for a one month’s stay. But when the month ended, she realized she had nowhere to go. Where would she be, if not here? And also, that she was now in love with The Ashram. She liked the non-judging nature of the people. Nobody cared about your past. Future worries were almost non-existent for these people. All everyone was interested in was the present. So when her one month in the Ashram ended, she spoke to people and extended her stay.

  She lived on pain killers she had bought off the shelf from the chemist. She blanked out once or twice but nothing to alarm people around her and she managed to keep her cancer to herself. She used to wonder what was happening in the other world. She hadn’t contacted her parents in years now. In leaps and bounds, she managed to ignore her disease, to forget Divya and lead a normal life.

  She became a new person. Her loneliness made her goofy and happy-go-lucky. She didn’t have a family. Even though she loved everyone at the Ashram, there was no one in particular who she could call a friend. But this changed the moment she laid her eyes on Samar. She noticed the restlessness in his eyes and she wanted to know the reason behind it. And for the first time in her life, she felt motherly love towards someone, which she felt she was incapable of. She wanted to be friends with him, know him better and if she could, help him get rid of the negativity in his life.

  Like A Foot Soldier In A Battle

  Vandana and I were sitting in my balcony, staring at the traffic passing by as she told me her story. In that hour, as she recounted everything she had been through, her complete persona changed in my eyes. She had been a goofy, carefree person till now. And suddenly, she seemed more mature than anyone I ever knew.