Come On Inner Peace

by Sachin Garg

  ‘The surgery was expensive,’ I replied.

  The doctor looked back into one of the reports in his hand. He gathered his thoughts before he spoke and said, ‘Vandana has lung cancer, which is a curable cancer if detected early. In this case, even though the cancer was detected early, it wasn’t treated at that time. And now, the cancer has spread all over her chest.’

  The doctor pulled out an X-ray report and showed it to me.

  ‘Can you see this thick white cloud all over her chest? This is all cancer. Look how extensively it has spread.’

  I was worried that any moment now, the doctor was going to say that it was incurable now.

  ‘What should we do now?’ I asked.

  ‘We need to carry out her surgery within this week. That’s the first step. It’s a complex surgery. And I would have to invite doctors from outside. It’s going to be expensive.’

  ‘And what are her chances, doctor?’

  ‘Listen, Samar. I appreciate your courage in handling so much responsibility at this age. But this is a complex surgery. It will cost almost 30-40 lakhs. I’m not going to give you false hopes; even if the body takes the surgery well, the chances of her survival are almost negligible. I know you are not her blood relative, but in such cases the most loving families opt for not going for the surgery. I don’t know whether you can arrange that sort of money or not. What I’m saying is that there is a very little chance that money would be able to save her.’

  I was close to tears. The doctor was telling me that it was too late already. I had failed to put the money together in time. Vandana was going to die, definitely. I didn’t know what to say. I got up from my seat, without really ending the meeting. I began to exit, not knowing what to say, think or do.

  And just as I was about to exit, I looked at the doctor and said to him, ‘Start preparing for the surgery, sir’.

  On the day of the surgery, I was with Vandana, holding her hand, comforting her that it was all going to be okay. The doctor told me that I could stay there till they gave her anaesthesia.

  I had deposited thirty lakhs in the hospital account and the doctors had been working hard for a few days to prepare for the surgery. I checked the date, it was the fifth of August. My college had started and I couldn’t have felt more disconnected from college than I was feeling then.

  The last week had been a painful one for Vandana. She was eating more medicines than food every day. Her lip and her smile had dried up and she was losing strength at a very fast pace. When I told her about Navya’s relapse into drugs, she got really sad. But she didn’t cry, probably because her tears had dried up by now.

  ‘And you left Navya to come to Delhi?’ she said, accusingly.

  ‘My job in Delhi was equally important, if not more.’

  ‘Where did you get the money, Samar?’ she enquired.

  She believed me when I told her that savevandana.com had finally taken off and people from all over the world had donated for her treatment.

  ‘Internet is such a wonderful thing,’ she said.

  As the anaesthesia was injected into her body she began to lose consciousness. As her eyes closed, she mumbled a name. And I knew what was the next thing I needed to do. It was a twelve hour surgery. I realized that as Vandana was unconscious, I didn’t need to be there. So I decided to get busy with preparing the biggest surprise she could ever get on gaining consciousness.

  At around two in the night, she opened her eyes. I was looking through the glass window. There were only two people in the room. One was Vandana, the other was her, smiling away, holding her hand.

  It was Divya, whose name Vandana had taken before lapsing into unconsciousness. After a brief silence, the ward came alive at two in the night with the sound of two women hugging, weeping, smiling and talking. It was a sight that I extract from my memory and visit sometimes. It gives me strength. It defines silver lining for me.

  Meanwhile, the doctor patted on my back. We both knew it. Even before the operation. But he made me come to terms with it with that senile smile.

  ‘How much time does she have doctor?’

  ‘Possibly a month or so.’

  Both the doctor and I witnessed through the glass, the cathartic cry of Vandana. Life had come a full circle for her. She found her true love after all these years. Divya looked aged and matured, as she held Vandana. She had cried her share when I went to her place to inform her about Vandana’s position. She confessed that she could never find true love after Vandana left her. She realized that a person realizes another person’s worth only in their absence. But this was it. At least one of us had attained inner peace, even though it was just for one final month. The part of her which had been missing was now found. She was now complete.

  The Wind Beneath My Wings

  It’s hard to leave people behind. I had been talking to Mr Sharma every day. He was spending every day in Goa, watching his daughter doing everything she shouldn’t. Every passing day was weighing heavily on him. And leaving Vandana into Divya’s hands, I could now concentrate back on Navya.

  When I talked to him last, I listened to him intently. He told me how he was trying to cure her in Goa. He told me what he thought we should do next. He was worried and he was desperate. He had stranded his business and everything else just to get his daughter back. WoodStock Village was not the right place any more. It was as if the place had been polluted by Meth now. If it was not for Navya, Joseph would have thrown each of those junkies out in no time.

  There was only one other place where I could take her. The Ashram. Perhaps, Swamiji was the therapist she needed. It was a long shot, but I had great faith in Swamiji’s abilities.

  I sat in the bus to Rishikesh, which was where I was going to meet Navya. I had to scold her to make her come to Rishikesh. It was the seventh of August now. All my hopes of getting placed in a good company on campus were blown away. If I was talking to my mom, she would have lost her cool on this. But she had been sweet enough to let me be by myself. I knew it must be tearing her apart but she was patient and letting me do what I wanted to do. This was the strength of her love.

  I reached Rishikesh and met Navya at the bus stand itself. She was back to looking terrible, like a typical addict. And she was back to having a blank look in her eyes. I had every reason to give up. In fact, I knew I didn’t have it in me to mend something so broken. The only thing which kept me going was that it was not me who was going to be responsible this time. It would be Swamiji. And I had great faith in his ability to change people.

  When Navya and I went and sat in front of Swamiji, he didn’t speak for a while. He kept studying her face for what seemed to me like five minutes.

  ‘Welcome to The Ashram, Navya,’ Swamiji said.

  ‘Thank you Swamiji. It’s great to be here.’

  ‘But there is a catch in your stay here. Your soul is polluted by the drugs. You would have to leave that part of your soul outside The Ashram when you enter here.’

  ‘Detach a part of soul? What do you mean?’

  ‘Don’t worry. I don’t mean to scare you. I just want you to do one simple thing for me. Close your eyes and tell yourself that you are not a drug addict. You will not do this ever again, not because you don’t have to, but because you don’t want to. You will tell yourself that you have no urge to do it again. You will tell yourself that it was a dark chapter of your life, which is now over. And you will mean it when you will say it to yourself. Once and for all, take a journey through whatever you’ve been through and command your soul to retain the pleasant ones. Think of drugs as a ferocious predator, eating away your positive thoughts. Respect your life, Navya. Plant faith in your potential of art and creativity. Being a servant to a chemically altered mind is not cool. It is a sign of weakness. Close your eyes and bring your strength back. I know you have a lot of will power, get so much of it that you can help others out in the endeavour to reach Inner Peace.’

  Navya was a bit baffled for a second. But Swamiji had such
an aura that she obliged, and closed her eyes. Swamiji and I looked on, as her expressions started getting strained. It seemed as if she was remembering some bad memories, possibly of her father. And then she smiled, as her thoughts were replaced by something more pleasant. I had a feeling she was thinking of our time in Goa, the first time around. I don’t know about her but Swamiji’s stupefying words resounded in my ears.

  ‘Respect your life. Plant faith in your potential of art and creativity. You’re not a servant to a chemically altered mind. It is a sign of weakness.’

  As her expressions then turned sad again and then got flat, Swamiji and I waited in anticipation of what is going to happen next.

  I believe it was a good ten to fifteen minutes later when she got a broad smile on her face. I hadn’t seen her smiling that heartily for a long time. And I knew she was up to something special. And then, she opened her eyes slowly, and the smile only got broader. And she stared at Swamiji, as if the last fifteen minutes were nothing short of a rebirth for her. I was ecstatic on seeing her like that. Swamiji had done his magic. Without doing anything, he had changed her frame of mind completely.

  ‘How does it feel Navya?’ he asked.

  ‘Better,’ Navya said after thinking for a second. She wasn’t a girl of many words, but when she said better, it meant things were only going to get better from here.

  ‘I want to tell you something Navya. And you too Samar. We are nothing but the mistakes we make. And everybody makes mistakes. That’s what makes us human. It’s important to forgive yourself for those mistakes and accept yourself with them instead of ruing yourself over it forever. We have a tendency to relapse into the mistakes we’ve made once, because we feel we have been there once, we could do it again. But that is where your inner strength, friends, family, passions, books, and love will play a role. Distract yourself to positivity and let life surprise you with its rewards.’

  Navya nodded her head.

  Swamiji continued, ‘And beta, no irreversible damage has been done. All you have to do is detox yourself in a certain way and I will help you do that. And then, you would go back to your life, finish your studies and become a wonderful person you were always going to be.’

  ‘Ji Swamiji. I assure you I will try my best,’ Navya said. Within a few minutes of meeting Swamiji, she was beginning to talk positively, which we hadn’t been able to achieve in months. By then, I had completely confident that Swamiji is going to take full care of her. She was in good hands and finally, after months of running around, I could breathe in peace.

  ‘Tell me one thing Navya, what is love according to you,’ Swamiji said.

  ‘Well Swamiji, in my opinion, love is trust. The belief that someone will not leave me for the world, will be there beside me in good and bad times, and will love me, when I would have nothing to offer him, is what I believe love is.’

  Swamiji nodded with a faint smile. And then he looked at me. ‘The same question to you, Samar. What do you think love is?’

  I had to think a little bit. Unlike Navya, I had never really sat and thought what is love.

  ‘According to me, love is happiness. If she makes me feel happy with her presence and her absence sucks the happiness out of me, I love her.’

  Swamiji nodded again in his characteristic style.

  ‘So Navya, do you trust Samar? Do you believe he will not leave you for the world? Do you think he will there beside you in good and bad times? And that he will love you, when you would have nothing to offer him?’

  Navya smiled. And then she looked down. I had known her for over a year and this coyness was a completely new expression on her. It was the biggest confirmation she could have given.

  Without a verbal reply from Navya, Swamiji turned to me. ‘Tell me Samar,’ he said, ‘does Navya make you feel happy with her presence? Does her absence suck the happiness out of you?’

  Swamiji had made his point. And his point was that Navya and I were in love without realizing so. Or maybe, we did realize it but had never said it out aloud, even to ourselves. But he wanted to break that barrier. Sometimes it’s important to state the obvious too.

  ‘Now I want you two to answer a question for me. Samar and Navya, are you in love with each other?’

  Swamiji was playing the perfect cupid. He is not the kind of person you would expect to be playing a matchmaker. But he had a very valid reason. It was as if as he was staring at Navya, he was making up his mind that whether we were the perfect match or not.

  There was a pin drop silence in the room when he asked that. The topic had been under the carpet for a while.

  ‘Yes, I am in love with her,’ I spoke first. It had to be said. There was no doubt in my head and Navya deserved to hear it. And I wanted to say it before she did. Navya looked at me. She got up from her cross legged posture. I stood up too.

  ‘I love you too Samar,’ she said softly. And there, in front of Swamiji, in an Ashram in Rishikesh, in a kutiya made of thatch, I felt heaven.

  Navya was in my arms, her head on my shoulder, her breath on my collar bone, my arm around her back, her hair touching my cheek, culmination of months of anticipation, the moment we had waited for and it had taken Swamiji to push us over the edge, into an unending abyss of happiness.

  We left the kutiya for the day. As I walked out of the kutiya, I realized I was holding her hand. We walked silently, not knowing what to talk about. But still, there was infinite joy in our hearts, there was nothing awkward about the silent walk.

  We went Navya’s room and closed the door behind us. And our lips met, with more passion than I thought was possible. There was no awkwardness of having Swamiji looking at us this time. And with smooth, and gentle movements, I removed her clothes one after the other, as she removed mine. And we made chaotic, unrehearsed, messy but very passionate love that night.

  And that was the moment things turned around for Navya. She attained her share of inner peace at that moment. She transformed from a disturbed drug addict to a love struck regular twenty year old in that moment. The Ashram had done its magic. And the old, broken Navya was now left behind, forever.

  The second day with Swamiji was a bit different. Navya and I entered the kutiya holding each other’s hands.

  I had a feeling what was going to happen today. The last time I had been under Swamiji’s haven, he had told me three things. The first thing he had told me was that it’s okay to be wrong. He had already talked about it yesterday. The second thing he had told me was that I need to help everyone I can help. I had a feeling he was going to talk about that today.

  As he welcomed us and asked us how we were doing, I waited for him to throw the awkward question at me. ‘So who all did you help Samar, since I told you to help people?’

  I was a bit ashamed. I had seriously not helped anyone and hence just hung my head in shame. Honestly, I hadn’t taken Swamiji’s teachings that seriously.

  ‘Samar, look at me,’ he said. ‘Why are you so harsh on yourself? Since you left The Ashram, you were trying to help both Navya and Vandana, without any selfish motives. You spoilt your summer internship and are now missing your placement season and have no regret about missing them. I respect you for that.’

  ‘Thank you Swamiji,’ I said, with lifted spirits.

  ‘But you need to do more work. You have to help a few more people before you attain peace in yourself,’ Swamiji said, looking at Navya.

  ‘Who are you talking about?’

  ‘Navya, who took care of you after you came to Delhi?’

  ‘DJ Vyk,’ she said. And everything became clear to her. DJ Vyk was himself a drug addict. Navya had abandoned him and come with Samar. It was time she met him again. And brought about his resurrection

  Navya took the next bus to Delhi, the same night. I went to the station to say bye to her. I wasn’t comfortable with letting her out of my sight but then one has to make tough decisions sometimes.

  I came back to The Ashram after dropping her. It was an important night
for me. This was the night when a lot of my doubts would get solved.

  Vandana was now with Divya, waiting for her end, but in the arms of the person she loved the most, having definitely attained her inner peace. She must be sleeping better at nights when she had no pain.

  And Navya was definitely at peace with herself now. She had the love of her life and was now on a mission to make DJ Vyk get rid of drugs.

  The big question now was that whether I had attained inner peace or not. And this was the night which would tell me. I first went to the evening arti and went and sat in a corner. I hadn’t been alone in a while and having come so far, my heart was still not at rest.

  The holy chant of ‘Hare Rama, Hare Krishna’, was going on nonstop in front of me. I looked at faces around me, people were being touched deep inside by that chant. It was as if the chant was doing things to them that drugs did to people. They were absorbing it, they were under its beautiful spell.

  But as I sat there, listening to the same chant as other people, I felt I was blind to what they were feeling. I was happy because I was in love, but still something was bothering me deep inside. I had one more day left with Swamiji. And I had tons of questions for him. Perhaps, he had a trick or two up his sleeves for me too.

  The next evening, I was sitting in front of Swamiji, alone for the first time. There was neither Vandana, nor Navya next to me for the first time. It was just me and him. And I knew I was the only one left.

  As I sat there, with a wrinkle on my forehead, I had no doubt in my mind that Swamiji would know in a second what was going through my head.

  ‘How are you feeling Samar?’ he asked. I had a feeling he knew what I was going to say.

  ‘I’m still not feeling the way I normally should, Swamiji. Everything is done now. Vandana is in peace and Navya is in peace. This is what I wanted all this while. And now that it has happened, I am still not at peace with myself. And I have no idea why. I can’t put my finger on what is bothering me. But I know that I am not okay. I still can’t sleep well. I still can’t be stable. And you are my only hope, Swamiji. If you don’t have answers to my questions, I’ll be broken. ‘ Swamiji dropped his smile for the first time since I had been seeing him. He seemed serious for the first time. It sounded like bad news for me.