The Winter Wedding

by Abby Clements

  ‘Christ, you made me jump,’ I said.

  ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to. So what is it? I like that font,’ he said pointing to one in an Art Nouveau style.

  ‘They’re for my sister’s wedding.’

  ‘Nice,’ he said. ‘When’s the wedding?’

  ‘This summer. They want to do it soon.’

  ‘Makes sense,’ he said. ‘Anyway. When you do get a minute – I’d like to pin down what the Christmas dinner scene is going to look like.’

  ‘This is where it all goes horribly wrong, right?’

  ‘Yes,’ he nodded. ‘Marianne finds out about the affair, and there’s a showdown . . . Do you think you could do your thing, Hazel? Source something stylish, historically accurate and extremely reasonable?’

  ‘It would be my pleasure,’ I said, making a note on my To-do list.

  He lowered his voice, so that only I could hear him.

  ‘You should have got that set designer job, you know. They made a mistake, recruiting externally. You’ve got way more experience than that Tim guy anyway.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I said quietly. ‘I appreciate you saying that.’

  ‘It seemed really weird, Emma not putting you forward.’

  ‘She didn’t have the chance,’ I said. ‘They didn’t invite her to be part of the discussion . . . I guess maybe it’s something to do with the way she’s been at work lately . . .’

  Josh looked at me, puzzled.

  ‘That’s what she told you?’ he said.

  My breath caught. What was he talking about?

  I nodded, mutely.

  ‘Haze. Look, I don’t want to stir. That’s the last thing I want to do. But I was at that meeting. Aaron asked about you – he knows as well as we all do how talented you are, how ready you are for a step up. But Emma said you’d been struggling with the workload lately and you’d told her you didn’t feel ready.’

  His words hung in the air.

  ‘That can’t be right,’ I said, hoarsely. ‘She promised . . .’ It came out sounding pathetic, and I realised that was exactly what my blind trust in Emma had been.

  ‘You deserved the job,’ Josh said. ‘ We all knew that.’

  I went to meet Lila at a cafe on Exmouth Market, a cobbled backstreet lined with cafés and boutiques. She made a beeline for the table where I was sitting, taking her large Mexican-print bag from her shoulder, kissing me hello and sitting down.

  ‘How are things?’ she asked brightly.

  ‘Good,’ I lied. I didn’t feel like going into the ins and outs of what was happening at work, and what Josh had said just now. My head was still spinning with it all. ‘The new girl at work – Amber – is coming to see the flat later this week.’

  ‘Great,’ Lila said. I could see from her face that she was excited that I had finally kicked off the flatmate-hunt.

  ‘I hope so. She can’t be any worse than the people who’ve already been.’

  ‘That bad?’

  ‘Much worse,’ I said, laughing. The procession of nutters looking at her old room seemed funny, now that I was with Lila. Things always did. I knew a lot would remain the same – we’d still talk on the phone, meet up, go to the cinema together. But if Lila woke at 2 a.m. worried about something it would be Ollie she’d turn to – and if she had a dance routine to practise in the kitchen, he’d be the one watching and encouraging her. And I was still getting my head around all of that.

  ‘I’m not sure she’s at all right . . .’ I realised that the idea of actually liking Amber was scaring me more than the prospect of imminent bankruptcy.

  ‘Give her a chance,’ Lila said kindly, sensing my mixed feelings.

  I nodded. Lila was right. She was almost always right.

  ‘I’ll let you know how I get on.’

  ‘In the meantime, I’ve had the most amazing morning.’

  ‘What’s happened?’ I said, leaning in.

  ‘You know that ballet at Sadler’s Wells theatre I auditioned for last week?’

  ‘Yes.’ I held my breath. It had been a while since we’d had good news.

  My sister’s face broke into a wide smile, her eyes sparkling and I saw right away that this was big.

  Her voice went up a little as she told me the news. ‘I got a call and they want me in the show.’

  I leapt out of my chair and gave her a warm hug. My arms went right the way round her and even through her jumper I could feel the ridges on her body that mine didn’t have. I didn’t like the way they felt. I never had. I didn’t like feeling that I might crush her.

  ‘That’s fantastic,’ I said, pulling away to look at her.

  ‘Isn’t it? They had someone drop out, and they’re starting up in a month, so the schedule is really intense. There’ll be rehearsals this spring and a run through the summer.’

  ‘Brilliant. You deserve it. You really do.’

  ‘Thank you. Ollie’s really happy about it too. It’s just the stepping stone I’ve needed,’ Lila said. ‘I’ve even heard rumours that they’re looking out for dancers to take through to The Nutcracker, come Christmas time.’

  I sucked in my breath. ‘Oh my God.’

  ‘Yes. That’s my biggest dream, as you know.’

  ‘You could be Clara.’

  ‘I could never be Clara,’ she said, shaking her head and smiling. ‘Anyway, back down to earth. Ollie’s popped to the farmer’s market to get us some ingredients for a celebratory meal tonight. That’s enough for me.’

  ‘Lovely,’ I said.

  As Lila lifted her mug of hot chocolate to her lips, her engagement ring caught my eye. Vintage gold with a modest sapphire cradled by tiny diamonds, a perfect cluster of sparkle.

  ‘But this summer?’ I said, thinking back over what she’d just said. ‘What about the wedding?’

  ‘Oh, it’s fine. Suzanne says she’s got it all in hand. Employing her was the best thing I could have done.’

  Amber came around to the flat on Thursday evening. She swept Pablo up into her arms effortlessly, and stroked him gently along his back. ‘What’s this one’s name?’

  ‘Pablo,’ I said. ‘He’s a rescue.’

  ‘What happened to his ear?’ Amber said, touching the missing bit gently.

  ‘He had a rough past. They told me at the shelter that he’s tough as nails, but all I’ve seen is that he’s a total softie.’

  ‘He seems to have a lot of character,’ Amber said. Pablo purred contentedly in her arms. Something he did very rarely with people he didn’t know.

  ‘Come and see the balcony,’ I said, opening up the French doors. From here we could see out over Victoria Park, the streaky sunset backing the silhouetted city.

  ‘This view is what sold the place to me,’ I said.

  ‘I can see why,’ Amber said, smiling. I took a seat on one of the deckchairs and motioned for her to sit next to me.

  ‘So what do you like to do? When you’re not chained to the desk at Twenty-One I mean.’

  ‘Watch films. Late-night baking. Swing dancing. Yep, I think that pretty much covers it,’ she said with a smile. ‘Oh, and brunch on the weekend after payday, followed by a mooch around a vintage market.’

  ‘Sounds good.’

  ‘You?’

  ‘Quite similar actually. I’m into films too, and get to the cinema when I can. Lila – she’s my twin sister, she used to have the room that’s free now – she was never very interested, so I kind of got used to going on my own. Is that weird?’

  ‘Not at all,’ Amber said. ‘Unless I’m a weirdo too. And you bake? I noticed some things in the kitchen.’

  ‘Yes. Though I haven’t done that much recently.’

  ‘It’ll come back,’ she reassured me. ‘Was it something you and your sister did together?’

  I shook my head. ‘Lila’s never been into it. She’s a dancer, and rehearsals take up most of her time. We were often in and out of the flat at different times, but when our paths crossed – well, it was fun. Having her here.’


  ‘It must’ve been. Why did she go?’

  ‘She found Mr Right.’

  ‘The flat’s good luck in that department then?’

  ‘I can’t vouch for that,’ I laughed. ‘If there were any guarantees I’d be asking for far more rent.’

  ‘Oh don’t do that!’ Amber said. ‘I’ve accepted that my love life is well and truly over. But it would be amazing to be able to live here, and it’s one of the only places I’ve seen that I can afford.’

  I smiled at her eagerness, and the way that without seeming needy, she wasn’t playing games. I thought of the relief I’d feel, being able to pay the bills that were mounting up. But then, another feeling that surprised me. It might actually be, well, quite nice to live with Amber. Not living-with-Lila-nice. But new, and fresh, and fun. I knew now what to do.

  ‘How would you feel about coming to live here?’ I asked her.

  She beamed. ‘I think you’ve just made my day.’

  Chapter 4

  When Amber agreed to move in, I felt as if a weight had been lifted. I went into work feeling stronger, and determined to have it out with Emma.

  ‘Morning, Haze,’ Emma said, brightly.

  She was acting as if nothing at all had happened. As if she hadn’t lied to me and let me believe she’d look after me, when in fact she’d done the exact opposite.

  ‘You OK?’ she said. ‘You look a bit out of it this morning.’

  I felt my strength desert me in the face of her kind enquiry.

  ‘I’m fine,’ I said, wanting to kick myself for my cowardice.

  ‘Great,’ she said. ‘Because there’s a lot to do today and I’m really going to need you to help me with it.’

  ‘Yes?’ I said.

  ‘Starting with a Danish pastry, and a coffee. Be a love, would you?’

  When I returned to the empty flat in the evening, I felt deflated. I’d been so sure I would have the guts to confront Emma, yet I’d utterly failed to. How was I ever going to get anywhere in my career if I let people like her walk all over me?

  I started making dinner, feeling down, when I got a call from Lila.

  ‘Tell me you’ve got half an hour,’ she said. ‘It’s sort of an emergency.’

  Lila was round by eight. ‘The wedding’s going to be a mess, Hazel.’

  ‘Why? What do you mean?’

  Her eyes were wide with panic.

  ‘Look, calm down. Deep breaths. Take a seat and tell me what’s going on.’

  ‘She’s cancelled, Haze. The wedding planner’s totally bailed on us.’ Tears glistened in her eyes. ‘She said she’d taken on too much work.’

  Oh God. The last thing that Lila and Ollie needed now was this.

  ‘Could you postpone it?’

  ‘I guess we could,’ she said, biting her lip. ‘And I haven’t ruled it out completely. But I’ve talked about it with Ollie, and neither of us wants to. We really had our hearts set on getting married this summer. But we need help – these rehearsals are really demanding – and Ollie’s just had a commission for a new screenplay that has him up all hours.’

  ‘Mum?’ I said. The twitch at the side of her mouth gave away her understandable reservations.

  ‘Perhaps not.’

  ‘Grandma?’

  I pictured the colourful pompoms Grandma Joyce was fond of knitting, and could tell Lila was thinking the same thing. We shook our heads in unison.

  I didn’t want to just plough in there. But then I didn’t want to miss my chance, either.

  ‘I’m not that busy at the moment,’ I said, hesitantly. It wasn’t completely true – but I was determined not to let Emma’s demands take over any more of my life. ‘And I’ve already been doing a few things as your chief bridesmaid. Why don’t I do it?’

  ‘Would you? You’d do that for me?’ Lila said, her eyes wide.

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Thank you.’ She beamed. ‘Yes please!’

  I felt a bubble of excitement at the task ahead. ‘How involved would you like me to be?’

  ‘Do it all,’ Lila said, her eyes alight with excitement. ‘I trust you completely. But you wouldn’t be working from scratch, obviously. I’ve got something for you,’ Lila said, bringing a small embroidered notebook on to her lap. She hesitated for a moment before passing it over to me.

  ‘It’s not like I’ve been planning my wedding for years or anything,’ she said, suddenly sheepish.

  Her expression told me how treasured the possession was, and I opened it carefully. Inside each page was covered with sketches and ideas, collages of magazines and photos with notes next to them.

  ‘You sure?’ I said, laughing.

  ‘Just since I met Ollie. But you can’t tell him that,’ Lila said, smiling.

  I took a closer look at some of the notes and ideas, and was pleased to see that they chimed with the initial concept I’d imagined for the wedding. ‘Well, this rather puts the brakes on the Little Mermaid-themed wedding I had planned for you. You know how you used to love that film . . .’

  Lila’s eyes widened.

  I held my hands up. ‘I’m joking,’ I said. ‘Honestly, do you really think I’d do that to you? If we’re going to do this together, you need to have a bit more faith in me.’

  She smiled, evidently relieved. ‘Sorry . . . I do trust you. Really I do. And I’m much happier with you doing this than a total stranger. I wish we’d done this from the very beginning.’

  ‘You only had to ask.’ I tucked the book away in my bag. ‘Anything else I should know about?’

  Lila bit her lip, pondering the question. ‘Nope. I think that’s it.’

  ‘Then we’re all set,’ I said. ‘I can’t wait to start planning for you.’

  That weekend, Amber moved into the flat. I helped her carry her boxes of things up the stairs. We were on our second run, and she had piled two on top of each other, so that only a glimpse of her eyes and the top of her head showed above them as she walked. Pablo wove his way around her legs and purred, then scooted off ahead, into her room.

  Once inside, I put her things down on the bare floorboards of what used to be Lila’s bedroom. It was simple, but full of light, and had a view of lively urban sprawl where mine looked out onto the park.

  ‘Shall we go back for the rest?’ I asked. Her friend had dropped her off, and presumably was still waiting downstairs in the street.

  Amber gave a smile and shook her head. ‘That’s me. That’s everything.’

  I cast my eye over the half-dozen boxes and couple of bags we’d brought up.

  ‘Really?’ This couldn’t be everything. I had about four times this amount of stuff – most of which I could probably do without, admittedly – squirrelled away in my room.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, unfazed, opening one box. ‘And most of it’s for the kitchen.’ She held a cherry-shaped biscuit cutter in one hand, and a tiny sieve for icing sugar in the other. ‘There were some things that had to come, of course.’

  She dusted her hands off on her jeans and perched on the edge of the bed, testing it. ‘I feel quite settled already.’

  ‘Great,’ I said. It suited her, this room. The simplicity of it, the generous casement windows that let the sunshine fall in wide, pale trapezoids on the floor.

  ‘I know what you’re thinking,’ she said, a sparkle of mischief in her eyes. ‘Why doesn’t this woman have any stuff?’

  I shrugged, but couldn’t tell her it wasn’t true.

  ‘Messy break-up,’ she said. ‘Three months ago. Jude. Musician and not-quite-a-grown-up. When we moved in together, I brought almost everything. He’d been living in a houseboat, so he didn’t have much – and when I moved out, I left most of my things there.’

  ‘You couldn’t bring it with you?’

  ‘Oh, of course I could have – I just didn’t really want to. I’m aware it sounds nuts – who has money to throw away on a new TV, right? But when we broke up it was all so miserable that I just wanted a totally clean slate, a new
start. I can’t face seeing things every day that remind me of him. Oh – a few notable exceptions. I was hardly going to leave him all my DVDs,’ she said, smiling.

  ‘Never.’

  There was a glassiness to her eyes that belied the smile.

  She misses him. Appearances can be deceptive.

  ‘It’s great to have a new start,’ Amber said.

  That was when I knew I had to make sure hers was a good one.

  ‘What about you? Are you seeing anyone?’

  I shook my head. ‘I’m better at being single.’

  I went to my room and left Amber to unpack the few things she’d brought. I thought about what she’d asked.

  I didn’t long for romance – God no. I didn’t need to be taken out of real life – real life was good. I was happy with real life. But occasionaly I wondered if there was potential for it to be better. I guess, when I put the largely unexamined material of my emotions under the microscope, well maybe there was a little part of me that wanted to know what everyone was talking about. Because I’d never had any cartoon bluebirds follow me through the park, never had that stereo playing out beneath my bedroom window, never had any meaningful encounters at the top of the Empire State, or even got a Valentine’s card from anyone apart from Lila (and yes, I wish she wouldn’t do that). I knew what it was to care but not to be the centre of someone else’s world.

  Sam had always been there – at every birthday since I was fifteen. I thought of the book he gave me for one of the birthdays in my late twenties that I’d ended in vodka-fuelled contentment sleeping on his shoulder: One Day. As I’d read it, following the story of two friends, not a world away from the two of us, the gift seemed like a kind of promise.

  It embarrassed me that he could break through my emotional barriers, even though we were miles apart and out of touch now. I loved the bones of him; more than that, he was part of me. Which was why it wasn’t straightforward. Thinking of Sam didn’t bring up one simple emotion but many, interlaced and inextricable. I couldn’t see, from this close proximity which one was true. I knew what I wanted to believe – that everyone has a soulmate, and Sam was mine, and like something out of a film we would get together in the end. The soundtrack would be a mix CD of the nineties songs we’d listened to in his room, and that we played from my stereo in the skate park. All of the props were ready. The story was ready for filming. It was just that Sam didn’t want it to happen, not the way that I did.