Chapter 23
That night I got a call from an unlisted number.
‘Hazel. Can we talk?’
I’d thought for a moment the male voice was Dad’s. That pretty much covered the men who had permission to call me in the middle of the night.
‘I know you don’t owe me anything,’ he said. ‘And I’m pretty bloody sure I’d say no if I were you. But I don’t know who else to ask.’
It was Ben. And he sounded just pathetic enough for me to say yes.
Ben arrived half an hour later, with a black eye. The kind that’s only just started to form, so the skin is tinged red – with the promise of yellow and green and that nasty dark ring that would appear the next day. His hair was a mess.
‘Stop staring and let me in, will you,’ he said. Then – taking note of the glare I was giving him – he seemed to remember his place. ‘Please, Hazel? God knows, today’s been bad enough.’
I stood aside and Ben walked past me into the flat. He had lost his characteristic swagger, and as he strode into the room he seemed smaller somehow, a hunch in his shoulders. He walked over to the sofa and sat down, then lowered his forehead into one hand, shielding his face from view.
‘Tea?’ I offered, in lieu of any better course of action.
‘Anything stronger?’ He looked up at me and I saw that his eyes were not only bearing the mark of some physical encounter, but were also red-rimmed and bleary, as if he had not slept well for some time.
‘I could do you a whisky,’ I said, and he nodded. I got out the bottle I’d been given by a supplier at work. I wasn’t much of a whisky drinker, so it was still practically full. I poured him one, and – accepting that I was going to need something to get me through whatever it was that was about to unfold – poured a shot over ice for myself.
I passed him the glass, and he emitted a noise that could have been a grunt of gratitude. It was difficult to tell for sure, with his face so creased and weary. I took a large sip from my drink.
‘So. Are you going to sit here in my living room in silence, or are you going to tell me what’s going on?’
The grunt came again, and then the return to quiet. I began to question why I was even attempting to draw his story out. Ben might have been family but a thought nagged – would he do the same for me? Had he ever done anything that immediately benefited anyone but himself? He had, I reminded myself. Various times. Just not lately.
I couldn’t look away from him, though. I couldn’t just stop trying with him – he might sometimes act like he wasn’t really part of our family any more, but when he was silent I could see the cheekbones that were Mum’s, the jawline that was Dad’s, and the eyes that would forever link him to me and Lila.
When I saw that, my irritation lifted. If I wasn’t here for him, who would be?
I reached out and touched his arm. He flinched, just slightly, but he didn’t pull away.
I softened my voice. ‘You can tell me, you know, Ben. And unless you’ve suddenly lost all spatial awareness, it looks a lot like someone’s punched you in the face, so we might as well start there.’
Ben took a sip of whisky and then raised his eyes to meet mine.
‘It’s a total disaster, Hazel. And this time – and believe me, I’ve tried – I’ve got no one to blame but myself. I’ve really messed up.’
‘What happened?’
‘This,’ he touched the fragile skin around his eye, and I could see by the way he winced that it hurt him, ‘is what I deserved. In fact I deserved a lot more than this really, I got off lightly.’
‘Who did it?’
‘Her husband. Although if Eliot had done it I wouldn’t have blamed him.’
‘What?’ I said, trying to piece the information together.
‘I should start at the beginning, I guess. I’ve been sleeping with my boss. Carly Grey. One of the most important women in the city. I had her in the palm of my hand, every time we were together. It’s how I got the job, and well, I’m starting to realise now that it’s how I’ve kept the job.’
He paused, his hand returning to the bone of his eye socket, unconsciously touching again the part of his face where his pain showed through.
‘So it’s been going on since you joined?’
‘Yes, two years now. It was exciting at first – and work was going so well. Then my performance started to dip, and well . . . this stuff happens, but I was the only one not getting pulled up on it. I was able to keep on underperforming and she never said a thing to me.’
‘Come on, Ben. You can’t blame it all on somebody else.’
‘I’m not,’ he said bluntly. ‘I know I’m the one who messed up. And her husband decking me – that I can handle. But not what happened to Eliot. She ended up pinning my mistakes on him, so that they wouldn’t have to let me go.’
My heart leapt in my chest as I put the facts together.
‘I really did think I was in love with her, Hazel. This is just so bloody humiliating. I’m out of a job, unceremoniously fired after word got out, and everyone in the company knows exactly why.’
‘What about Carly?’
‘She keeps calling, she came round the flat . . . It’s totally weird. All this time I’ve wanted her to leave her husband for me . . . But now? God, Hazel. I don’t want her to do that. I don’t want to wreck her family – I don’t even feel confident any more that we could make it work if she did.’
‘Right. It sounds like you need time to think all this through.’
He nodded. ‘I guess. Every time I see her, though – or hear her voice. This sounds pathetic, doesn’t it?’ he said. His eyes looked even more sorrowful now. ‘I want to be with her so badly, but at the same time I know now, that it’s not right. It was all a dream, really – and I suppose it boosted my ego believing I could really be that good at my job. Now it feels like everything’s falling down around me, and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t feel strong enough to push her away.’
Ben told his story, and I just sat and listened. It was the most I’d heard him talk in years. I couldn’t fix the pain and humiliation he was experiencing, and I didn’t even want to. He needed to feel this, I realised. He needed to hit rock bottom – he’d been crying out to feel this. What I could do, though, was help him find his way back up.
‘Do you want to stay here for a few days?’ I asked.
He shook his head. ‘No, it’s fine. I need to go back to my flat and get looking for a new job . . .’
‘Come on, Ben.’
‘Maybe just tonight,’ he conceded reluctantly.
By midnight we had made serious inroads into the bottle of whisky, and somehow my brother and I were laughing like we never had before.
‘You two,’ Ben said. ‘You were always the special ones. Even before Lila got ill and became all that Mum and Dad ever thought about.’
‘Sorry, that came out all wrong,’ Ben said. ‘You see what I mean?’ He furrowed his brow and I couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit sorry for him. ‘I’m making things even worse. What I was trying to say, is that I was always a bit jealous of you two and your relationship with Mum and Dad.’
‘That’s really how you feel?’ His words genuinely surprised me and emotion welled up. I had read everything so wrong. An idea came to me.
‘How would you feel about going back home for a while?’
‘No – no way.’ He shook his head.
‘Think about it. At least think about it.’
Chapter 24
After Ben left, I went to meet Gemma at her and Eliot’s flat, near Spitalfields Market.
Gemma opened the door to me in a dressing gown, her cheeks streaked with dark make-up and blotchy from crying. She looked even worse than she’d sounded on the phone.
‘He’s bottled it,’ Gemma said.
I drew in my breath. So it was worse than I’d thought.
‘Eliot doesn’t want to marry me after all.’
This didn’t seem right, though. Eliot had been di
stressed when we’d talked about his redundancy, yes – but he hadn’t mentioned anything about calling off the wedding.
‘Come in – see for yourself, he’s started packing up his things, he stayed at Lila and Ollie’s last night and he’s even talking about moving back in with his parents.’
I surveyed the living room of their flat – sleek and stylish, with a few stand-out antiques and a large silver-framed mirror above the mantelpiece. Beyond it I could see the corridor, two suitcases half-filled with clothes, others laying round about.
‘He took enough for a few nights, then left it like this, said he’d come back and get the rest later.’ She sat down on the sofa and lowered her head into her hands. ‘Hazel. What the hell is going on here? I thought we were in love. I’ve asked him if there’s someone else, and he’s said there isn’t . . . but why else . . .?’ She started to sob, then brushed her eyes roughly and stopped.
She looked at me, her eyes wide, searching my face for the answer. ‘Did he give you any indication?’
‘No,’ I said, shaking my head. I felt torn.
‘Maybe he never really wanted to marry me at all,’ she said. ‘That’s the only reasonable explanation. But Hazel – I can’t believe it. Because I know what love feels like, and this is it. It can’t just vanish overnight, can it?’
How was this happening? They couldn’t just break up.
‘He still loves you,’ I said, certain, at least, of that. ‘That much I know.’
That night, I called home and asked to speak to Ben.
‘Hey,’ he said, sounding downbeat.
‘You made it back, then?’
‘Yes. Mum and Dad have taken me in, tail between my legs and all that.’
‘Good.’
‘Have you heard from Eliot?’ he asked.
‘That’s partly why I’m calling. He seems to have taken this all really badly – worse than I thought at first. He’s left Gemma.’
‘Are you serious? Oh, God . . . This is bad. I called them, you know. I spoke to HR – I couldn’t quite face speaking to Carly. Told them the whole truth, and that they should give him his job back.’
‘And . . .?’
‘They said it was more complicated than that. His exit was listed as redundancy and that couldn’t just be undone.’
‘Oh,’ I said, my heart sinking.
‘Eliot’s a decent guy – he didn’t do anything wrong, and he shouldn’t be the one losing out in all this.’
‘I couldn’t agree more. It was horrible seeing Gemma like that, and not even being able to tell her the truth, Ben. Eliot was so ashamed about losing his job he swore me to secrecy.’
‘That’s hard,’ he said. ‘So I guess one way or another I’ve put a spanner in the works with your new business too.’
‘Well, yes, you could say that,’ I admitted.
‘I’m so sorry, Hazel. If there’s anything else I can do, just tell me. But for now I think I’m just going to lay low for a while. Get myself back on track. Try not to wreck anyone else’s marriage.’
In spite of everything, Ben’s comment made me smile.
‘I think that’s a very good idea indeed.’
Chapter 25
It was down to Gemma and Eliot now. I’d lain awake the last two nights worrying about it – the guilt that my brother seemed to have played some part in Eliot losing his job, and the panic that I’d been counting on the wedding business working, and it all now seemed to be falling apart. I’d put the set I’d made for the Highlands wedding to the back of my cupboard, trying to accept that it might now never become reality.
That evening I busied myself with tidying the spice cupboard at home, and cleaning the oven. I couldn’t stop thinking about the two of them and how and why it had all gone so wrong. And whichever way I looked at it, I felt I was to blame. There were cheaper venues to go for – cheaper suppliers, simpler dresses that Gemma still would have looked stunning in . . . I’d got carried away with my own vision of their dream wedding just as much as Gemma had. I’d been so busy dressing the beautiful set, I’d neglected to pay any attention to the actor and actress who were the only reason for the play. A thought nagged at me. Even if we got some of the money back, the deposits were gone. I’d been so eager to pin everything down, make sure we didn’t miss our chance – I hadn’t once considered what might happen if it all fell through.
‘Cleaning the oven again? Have things got that bad?’ Amber asked.
‘Yes. I think they have.’
‘Wedding planning?’
‘Sort of. Not sure if I’ll even have one to plan for at this rate.’
‘Oh dear,’ Amber said. ‘Stop that for a minute and come and sit down. Give me an update.’
I brushed my hair out of my eyes, then filled Amber in on what had been happening.
‘I’m worried about them, but I’m also worried about me,’ I admitted. ‘I was counting on this wedding working out, not least so that I could start to build up a portfolio to show potential clients. My Dad’s invested in me, and I’m about to be unemployed. I can’t afford for this to fall through, Amber.’
She gave me a hug. ‘It’ll work out. I’m sure of it.’
‘I really hope so – because I don’t have a Plan B.’
‘All set?’ Josh asked, at work the next day.
I nodded, and Josh and I walked out of the office building. I was in the final week of my notice period, and nerve-wracking as it was, I was ready to leave Twenty-One for good. There were certain things I’d miss. But now that I was leaving, I realised I wouldn’t miss the work that much. It had fascinated me at the start, but as time had gone on I’d started to disengage, and it felt a little like I imagine it must feel leaving someone you’ve fallen out of love with. There was only one person I was really sorry to be losing daily contact with – and that was Josh. Whether we were at the office or out on location, a smile from him had brightened my day on so many occasions. I knew what it was like, when you left. I didn’t want us to be those colleagues who had drifted in and would drift out of each other’s lives. Which was why I was so happy he’d suggested we duck out for a while.
‘Seeing as it’s such a nice day, shall we get take-out coffees, and go across to the park?’ he suggested.
‘Sounds good.’
We found a bench by the bandstand partly shaded by a large oak tree. A group of men and women were practising Tai Chi a few metres from us, casting geometric shadows on the lawn, a scattering of brown and gold leaves surrounding them.
‘I feel like I’m bunking school,’ I said, taking a sip of my coffee – strong with plenty of frothy milk and a trace of cinnamon, just how I liked it.
Josh laughed. ‘I know what you mean. We should do this more often.’
Josh leaned back on the bench, closing his eyes for a minute and soaking up the sun rays on his face. I noticed the flash of collarbone showing through above his shirt.
I looked away, focusing my attention on the Tai Chi brigade.
‘I’ll miss you, when you go,’ Josh said.
‘Awww, thank you,’ I said. A flush of warmth came to my chest. ‘I won’t be leaving town. I’ll still be here. We can still hang out.’
‘You’ll be free,’ Josh said, playfully. ‘You won’t want to be reminded of this place.’
I will, I thought. Some parts of it.
‘We can meet for lunch. I’ll tell you about the triumphs and disasters of going it alone in the wedding planning business.’
‘I know you’re going to make a great success of it. I hope you’ll continue to design sets, alongside it . . . you’re too talented to give that up.’
I thought of the miniature sets tucked away in my closet. I would never stop working on them. They were the twin tracks my life ran on, parallel worlds where everything went smoothly.
‘Anyway, Hazel,’ Josh said, a directness in his voice as he sat up straight again. ‘There was something I wanted to talk to you about.’
‘Yes?’
‘Yes. You know the last few weeks, when we’ve been talking . . .’
I nodded.
‘The truth is, when I was asking you about everything you’re doing, outside of work, I mean – it’s because I’m genuinely interested.’
He paused, and glanced down. ‘The thing is, I know already, from the work that we’ve done together, that you’re talented – you have a great artistic eye, and I don’t know . . . you just seem to pull the strings on the generally dysfunctional marionette that is the art department and make it all perform very well.’
I laughed. ‘No one’s ever described me like that before.’
‘You’re great at what you do. Everyone thinks so.’
‘Thanks. Well, except Emma, perhaps,’ I said, with a smile.
He rolled his eyes. ‘The only person Emma thinks is great is Emma. Although of course, I never said that.’
‘And of course I never nodded in agreement,’ I said, nodding.
‘Hazel,’ he said. ‘Something a bit crazy happened last night. Or rather it’s about to happen.’ He stumbled over the words, rubbing the space between his eyebrows.
I waited for him to continue and started to wonder where this conversation was going.
‘Sarah was outside my bedroom window last night. Stereo blaring out a song we used to listen to when we first met, carrying a rose,’ he smiled. ‘And she proposed to me.’
My breath caught. ‘And you said . . .’
‘I said yes,’ he said.
‘Congratulations,’ I managed. It was harder to get the word out than I’d expected. I shouldn’t care like this. I really, really shouldn’t care that Josh was getting married. I kept my smile in place and hoped it looked more convincing than it felt.
‘Sarah was right. We do need to change something. And maybe this is it. I guess there’s no point waiting. She wants to get married by the end of this year, and it’s September already. This morning I woke up panicking about how we’re going to fit everything in.’
So this was where it was going.
‘We could really use some help. Sarah loved the sound of your sister’s wedding, and obviously I already know you’re a creative genius,’ he said, with a smile. ‘Please say you’ll agree to be our wedding planner?’
The Winter Wedding Page 13