The words hung there in the air for a moment, while I gathered my thoughts. What I’d felt, what I thought I’d felt, worried I’d felt, in the days before Lila’s wedding – it hadn’t been anything real. Just a stupid, fleeting – crush, I suppose – if that. Josh and I had a connection, yes, we always had. But as friends, nothing more.
I didn’t want to do this. No part of me wanted to agree. But I fought back the feeling. I’d get used to it. I had to think of the business. Especially now the one wedding I’d been commissioned to plan, Gemma and Eliot’s, was hanging in the balance.
Josh had a look of wide-eyed anticipation on his face, and I realised I’d left him hanging.
‘Of course,’ I said. The words didn’t come easily, or steadily though. ‘Thanks for thinking of me. It would be a pleasure.’
Chapter 26
At the end of the week, I packed my personal belongings into a box, and prepared myself to walk out of the Twenty-One offices for the final time. When I glanced behind me, I saw Amber watching me, concern in her eyes.
‘You OK?’ Amber mouthed.
‘Oh, fine,’ I mouthed back, nodding. She looked unconvinced.
All I have to do is do this without getting upset, I told myself.
Then I saw Josh coming over to my desk, with a giant card and a hamper. ‘We couldn’t let you go without saying a proper goodbye,’ he said, handing them over.
I opened the card and saw dozens of notes wishing me well, and each familiar name made me smile. When I looked up, a crowd of my colleagues had formed around my desk. A lump came to my throat.
‘You’re very kind,’ I said, looking down at the overflowing food and drink hamper. ‘I’m going to miss working here.’
‘We’re very sorry to see you go,’ Aaron said. ‘You are one of the best. The door will always be open.’
‘Thank you,’ I said. A flicker of doubt crept into my mind. I was leaving all this – people I liked and job security, and heading into . . . Well, I didn’t know what.
Amber seemed to pick up on it and whispered in my ear. ‘Don’t worry,’ she reassured me. ‘You’re going on to bigger and better things.’
People said their goodbyes and headed back to their desks. I went to get my coat, and Emma called me over. She hadn’t been there earlier, and after what had happened, I’d wondered if she’d even say goodbye.
I readied myself for a brusque farewell, but instead, her voice was soft.
‘I’m sorry you’re leaving, Hazel,’ she said, simply. ‘And I’m sorrier that it’s my fault.’
Now this – this I hadn’t been expecting.
‘I know I’ve been a nightmare to work for these past few months. There are no excuses. All I can say is this – you leaving, you, one of the most talented people at this company – and knowing that I’m at least partly responsible for that, has been a real wake-up call for me. I need to pull myself together and make a new start.’
‘Right,’ I said, feeling startled. ‘Well, I appreciate that.’
‘And while I can’t undo what I’ve done, I want to make sure you have the best possible new start too. So you’ll get a glowing reference from me, don’t worry about that. And while I’m not the greatest believer in marriage,’ she said, a jaded look returning to her eyes, ‘it seems a great many of my friends are hurtling headlong into it. I might even be able to pass a few clients your way.’
She smiled, and I thought, for a moment, that I saw a glimmer of humanity there.
On the journey home, I thought about how the morning had gone. I appreciated the kind goodbyes, but now that I was out of the office I felt surer than ever that I was heading in the right direction. I had just got home when my phone rang: Eliot.
He said he needed to talk, and sounded desperate. I arranged to meet him by the canal and headed down there right away.
I caught sight of him, down by the boats, in jeans and a sweater, his face unshaven.
‘Don’t tell me,’ he said. ‘I already know it. I’m an idiot.’
‘Well, yes,’ I said. ‘You are a bit. What happened to you? Where did you go? Gemma’s absolutely devastated. What’s more she hasn’t got any idea at all what’s going through your mind.’
Eliot shook his head, as if he was trying to shake away all of the bad feeling caused by unpicking the joyful things in his life, and the future he had planned.
‘Is this to do with losing your job?’
‘Sort of. Yes. No. I just know it’s a mess,’ Eliot said. ‘This isn’t how I wanted things to be when we got married.’
I led him over to a bench, and we sat down. I stayed quiet, waiting for him to speak again. I had to stay objective – even if seeing Gemma looking so broken made that a challenge.
‘Now – just to be clear,’ I said. ‘If you allow Gemma to help you, you’d still be able to afford the wedding you both planned, right?’
‘Yes,’ he said, bashfully. ‘Gemma has savings that could cover everything she wants to happen.’
‘But you won’t let her.’
He shook his head. ‘No. It would be official then – everyone would know I’d failed her, let her down.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ I said. ‘And no one needs to know. It’s nobody’s business but yours. Stop being so self-centred.’
It seemed to jolt him out of his self-pity. ‘What?’
‘You’re going to throw away the love of a wonderful, beautiful and talented woman, rather than let her know you’re short on funds? I bet Gemma wouldn’t care less if you got married in the local registry office and went to Pizza Express afterwards.’
Eliot raised an eyebrow.
‘OK – maybe I got carried away,’ I said, biting my lip. Gemma in a Top Shop white dress tucking into a Sloppy Giuseppe on the day of her nuptials was a little hard to picture. ‘Yes, she’s going to want the big wedding you’ve planned, but you’ve already suggested there might be other ways to finance that. If you’re willing to put your pride to one side.’
He shrugged. ‘It’s not just the money . . . it’s . . . she’ll see me differently, us differently.’
‘Don’t you think she already does – sitting there in her flat with your things half-packed up, thinking that you’re having an affair or God knows what else?’
‘Oh no . . . she doesn’t think that, does she?’ Eliot said, looking even more heartbroken.
‘Go and talk to her, Eliot. You need to fix this, and fast.’
That Friday night, I met with Sarah and Josh at the pub for our first discussion about their wedding.
Josh pulled out a chair for Sarah, and we all sat down. I was going to be strictly professional – Josh might be a friend, but he and Sarah were now clients who I had to strive to impress, just like any other.
‘ We don’t want a Christmassy thing – not at all,’ Sarah said.
‘I mean, I had thought about having it in our local church back home, the one where Mum and Dad got married . . .’ Josh’s eyes brightened as he spoke about it.
‘It’s not right for us,’ Sarah said, briskly. ‘Far too conventional.’
‘So, yes,’ Josh said. ‘ We thought it would be better to get married abroad.’
I could see the disappointment in Josh’s eyes as he resigned himself to the compromise. I wondered if I should step in, urge them to discuss it again before dismissing the idea of a wedding in the UK. Sarah’s voice interrupted my thoughts.
‘Christmas is a good time for people to travel,’ Sarah said brightly. ‘Take some proper holiday. And that’s the plan – a big beach party. It’s just so me and Josh, you see. We’re not the church bells type. Not at all.’
‘Actually my family are – sort of. But I’m sure they’ll come round to the idea when we tell them the plans.’
‘OK, great,’ I said. ‘ We can really have some fun with this one, I think. Did you have any particular locations in mind?’
‘Somewhere hot,’ Josh said. ‘That’s as far as we’ve got really, isn’t it, S
arah?’
‘I’d love to go to India . . . somewhere like that.’
Josh raised an eyebrow.
‘I know,’ she said to him. ‘Don’t worry, I’m over it now. Josh’s family would never come round to that idea.’
‘What are your main criteria,’ I said. ‘You mentioned a beach?’
‘Yes,’ Josh said. ‘A beach, somewhere with good food, that’s going to be hot. We’d need some nice accommodation nearby too. My grandmother’s going to be there and unfortunately she’s not able to walk that far, so we’d need you to bear that in mind when it came to the venue.’
Sarah got out a scrapbook and put it on my desk. ‘Here were some ideas I had.’
I opened it to see a magazine collage of beach scenes and people juggling fire. Orange lilies and pools of koi carp with little wooden bridges over them.
‘Would you want the ceremony itself to be outside? I’d just need to look into how we make sure it’s all legal. Or you could always do the legal bit somewhere else.’
‘We’d be happy to do the legal bit first,’ Josh said. ‘ We don’t really mind where, we just want somewhere special to say our vows.’
‘OK,’ I made a note. ‘That’s great. That makes things easier – so I’ll still be able to find somewhere nice for you, but we really have free rein then on a fantastic location for you to have the ceremony with all your friends and family.’
Josh passed me a sheet of paper. ‘This is the budget we’re looking at. We’re hoping that should cover it.’
I had to stop my jaw dropping. ‘Yes, that looks fine. Even with the tight deadline – I should be able to present you with some really good options working to this figure. Now – you say you’ve ruled out India. Is there anywhere else that you’d like me to look into when I draw up some ideas for you?’
‘We were thinking of the Caribbean.’
‘Antigua,’ Sarah said.
‘Cuba.’
Josh and Sarah’s answers came in unison, and they started to laugh.
‘Both of those are options,’ Josh explained.
‘Excellent,’ I said. ‘Any theme you had in mind?’
‘No,’ Sarah said, shaking her head vigorously. ‘Can’t think of anything worse. We just want something chilled out, low key, informal. We want our guests to be comfortable wearing what they want, just hanging out.’
Josh glanced at Sarah and then back at Hazel. ‘But we might need to retain a few traditional touches,’ he said, gently. ‘You know, for my mum and dad. They are a bit more old school than Sarah’s family. They’ll be expecting the usual run of things – ushers, top table, that kind of thing.’
‘OK,’ I said. ‘Like I said, we don’t have much time on this, so we might just need to get started on choosing a venue and we can decide on some of the other aspects of the day as we go along. Does that sound all right to you?’
Josh and Sarah nodded.
‘I’ll start researching venues for you now. I’ll send the details over and then let’s talk again.’
Chapter 27
‘So – tell me,’ Amber said. ‘What’s she like? Josh’s Sarah?’ Her eyes were wide and curious.
‘Why are you so interested?’ I asked.
‘Everyone’s interested, aren’t they? The way Josh talks about her, it’s like she’s practically another member of the office.’
‘She’s nice,’ I said with a shrug. ‘And pretty, I guess. If you like that tousle-haired, tanned, fiery, glittery-eyed kind of . . . well yes, I suppose by anyone’s standards she’s pretty. And she’s bright, funny . . .’ I tried to keep things positive. Yes, there were things about her I was less keen on, but to dwell on those would be . . . well, unhelpful and unkind. Josh was marrying Sarah.
‘He seems happy?’
‘Yes, I think so.’
‘I would have thought this would be a challenging one, eh. With her being such a traveller and Josh’s parents . . . ’
‘What about Josh’s parents?’ I asked.
‘Apparently they’re super-traditional,’ Amber said, matter-of-factly. ‘You know he’s from money, right?’
‘Is he?’ I asked. It had never come up, and while he was well-spoken, and seemed like perhaps he’d seen the inside of a theatre once or twice, it still surprised me. He was always so humble. Plus his bike was crap.
‘Oh yes. Dad’s a lord or something. Didn’t he ever tell you that?’
I shook my head. I felt a pang of envy that he’d confided in Amber, but never in me. We’d talked often enough, hadn’t we, for him to make mention of it?
‘Not that he told me, of course. One of the work experience girls had a crush on him and it came up when she Googled his name. Adding the workies on the tea round has its pay-offs, you see.’ Amber smiled. ‘Massive pile in the country, apparently. I’m kind of surprised they wouldn’t be having the wedding there.’
It seemed increasingly odd that Josh hadn’t said a word.
‘I guess they want to leave that all behind,’ I said. ‘I can understand that. Probably a lot of expectations that come with it. Getting away from it all, well there are benefits to that, aren’t there?’
Josh was a low-key kind of guy, and clearly had made his own way in life rather than living off whatever funds his parents had. It made sense that he would want to have the wedding independently too. Infuriatingly, it all made me warm to him a little bit more.
I moved through images on my Macbook, researching tours for Josh and Sarah to go on after their wedding. We’d settled on Cuba.
One was a tour of a coffee plantation, with accommodation on a stunning hacienda surrounded by lush scenery. I could just picture the two of them relaxing in the hammocks.
Planning Josh and Sarah’s wedding still felt very strange. Picturing them there on the beach, taking their vows to be with each other for ever. It was what all three of us were working towards, and yet my feelings were conflicted.
I’d arranged to meet Josh at the pub on the corner, to update him, so I packed my laptop and left the flat.
‘Hazel, I really appreciate you stepping in like this. I know it must all seem a bit crazy . . .’
We took our drinks back over to the table, and I steeled myself to ask the question. ‘No more than any wedding is,’ I smiled. ‘Look, I don’t want to be nosy . . . but when we were talking the other day, I realised I don’t know a thing about your family. Are they OK about the wedding happening abroad?’
Josh looked a little distant for a moment, and his brow furrowed. ‘Oh they will be,’ he said. He seemed uncertain, though. He shrugged. ‘They know what Sarah’s like. Strong-minded. My mum and dad respect that in her.’
‘Cool,’ I said. ‘And you’re sure there’s nowhere, like a family home . . . you might want to, you know, consider . . .’
Josh looked at me and rolled his eyes skyward. ‘Right. My secret’s out,’ he said, laughing.
‘Sorry.’ I felt sheepish. I should have known I wouldn’t be able to get away with such obvious snooping.
‘I don’t think my family home would be right for our wedding, even if it is what my family want. It’s . . . I don’t know. Showy, I guess. And Sarah would hate it, of course.’
‘Fine. I shouldn’t have pried.’
‘It’s fine,’ Josh said warmly. ‘But it’s just not relevant.’
‘OK,’ I said.
‘You’re bothered that I didn’t tell you, aren’t you?’ he asked.
I couldn’t hold it in any longer. ‘You’re the son of a lord and you just didn’t think to mention it?’
He shrugged. ‘I bet there’s a ton of stuff I don’t know about your family.’
I suppose that was true.
‘Sarah hates it all, anyway,’ Josh said, glancing over to the bar.
I stayed quiet, waited for him to say more.
‘Everything about my family,’ he said. I couldn’t read him, but something in his expression told me it wasn’t as comfortable a truth as he was making out. �
�She says it’s the money, the airs and graces, whatever, but they really aren’t like that. I think she feels judged by them . . . even though she has no reason to feel that way.’
‘Maybe she’ll come around,’ I said.
‘That’s what she’s saying about all this – that once we’re married she knows she’ll feel more settled, calmer about everything, including my family. It sounds weird, but . . .’
‘I understand,’ I said. ‘I got that sense from her. She certainly seems to love you a lot.’
I said the words, which were true, and felt a raw place open up inside my chest.
That night, at home, I got out a new empty box and my set-making equipment and started putting together the beach ceremony scene. I lined the aisle with tiny flowers, and made an arch out of twine. There was an uncomfortable feeling that wouldn’t shift. I didn’t want it to be Sarah there. I wanted it to be me.
Chapter 28
That Sunday I went down to Columbia Road flower market.
‘Two bunches of roses for a fiver.’
The call rang out clearly in the crowded Hackney streets. I walked on the cobblestones of Columbia Road, taking in the sights and smells of the flower market, looking for inspiration. I was going to put together a couple of bouquets and extras to photograph for the website I was putting together. I’d already written most of the content and compiled a grid of links to other sites that I wanted to include. Amber had offered her help on the techy side of things.
Now I just had to – I scanned all the blooms, then smiled to myself. I just had to pick out the flowers I liked, and that I thought would look most beautiful. On a bright Sunday morning, it didn’t seem much like work at all.
‘Hey,’ I turned at the familiar voice, and saw Gemma hurrying to catch up with me. Over the past week I’d purposely put her and Eliot out of my mind – I didn’t want to interfere with problems that had gone way past the colour of bridesmaids’ hair accessories.
‘Hazel,’ she said breathlessly.
The Winter Wedding Page 14