Without offering any further information, the Healer continued, “You told me your mother’s dying wish for you. She said for you to remember to follow your heart, and asked that you not neglect your own happiness. Take her words seriously, Amáne.”
“Healer,” I cried, “the two are not possible for me. Those were words that I was never going to be able to carry out. I cannot follow my heart, and I have no choice but to neglect my happiness. My duty to the kingdom comes first.”
“It is possible, my child. In time, you will see. But, I would counsel you to speak with Ansel sooner than later.”
“Thank you, Healer,” I wrapped my arms around her neck, “but I don’t think I can do that just yet.”
She kissed my forehead and excused herself to give me the time alone I requested.
As soon as she left, I ran to the desk. Rummaging through a drawer, I found a piece of parchment, a quill and some ink. I penned a letter to Lord Ansel.
My Dearest Lord Ansel,
By the time you read this note, Eshshah and I will have begun our quest. I gave Eulalia strict instructions to wait until now to give this to you, so please do not blame her for holding this letter for me. As you read this, it will be too late to stop Eshshah and me, should you change your mind.
At the time of this writing I am still a guest at your manor — I’m leaving shortly. I have made you so angry with me, and because of my cruelty, I have lost my best friend. There is now a wound in my heart with such a pain that I have never felt before — and you know I am no stranger to pain.
As to my heart, you were right all along, it did lead me to you, and I did close my eyes to my feelings, hoping that they would go away. And when they did not go away, I hid them from myself, and instead pushed you away.
I will tell you now my reasoning ~ I believed that I had to forfeit my happiness in order to excel in my obligations and my duty to you and to Teravinea. I believed that giving you my heart would have influenced your decision regarding my quest, even more than if I didn’t give it. I confess now that I was wrong. You saw through me and knew the truth before I did. The Healer has tried to tell me that it is possible to have happiness and meet my obligations — that there is a fine line between the two and I must find the balance. But I don’t know how.
I am so sorry that I hurt you. It was never my intention. I don’t want to be the one to sentence you to a fate of being alone. I’ve come to the realization that I don’t want to be alone, either. If I could take my angry words back, like they were never spoken, I would. I know you care about Teravinea and have carried that burden for all of your life. I was wrong to say you didn’t care. I ask your forgiveness. No, I beg your forgiveness, despite the fact I don’t deserve it.
Although I have a positive feeling about the success of our quest, the outcome is ultimately not in my control. Eshshah and I have discussed this at length. Should we meet with a circumstance that will send me to my ancestors and Eshshah survives, I’ve told her it is my desire she continue her life for the benefit of Teravinea. I have asked her to choose you as her rider. I know it is not the same as linking and I don’t know if there are any rules against such a request. But then again, you know that I am not known for my capability to follow rules. I know I have been in the habit of asking so much from you so often, but please do not deny this request. Please accept Eshshah as your own. I will rest happily if I knew she would be with someone whom she and I both love.
Although it is far beyond what I deserve, my hope is that you would reconsider and not give up on me. That you will see that I’ve opened my eyes to what you and my heart have been telling me all along. I now know it is telling me that I love you.
May my ancestors smile upon this quest and bring me safely back to you.
With all my heart,
Amáne
I had to blot several smudges in the ink where my tears met with the parchment. Finally satisfied with what I’d written, I sealed it and impressed the dragon on the hilt of my dagger into the soft wax.
I packed the few items I came with. After instructing Lali on delivering my letter, I bid her a teary farewell. The Healer and Gallen met me in front of the manor house to wait for the stable hands to bring horses. The two would ride with me to the field where Eshshah waited. They insisted on seeing me safely to the Arevale Outpost. Along with Dorjan and his wife and son, the Healer and Gallen planned to leave for Dorsal the next day by ship.
I was numb with grief and remorse. My depression began to pull me down. Trying to maintain a tolerable disposition for those around me, I kept what I hoped was a pleasant look on my face while I controlled my urge to leave this place as fast as I could.
Gallen gave me a leg up into the saddle. As a groom adjusted my stirrups, my eyes followed a movement in the upper floors of the manor. Someone stood in a window, holding back a curtain, watching our departure. My heart stopped. It was Lord Ansel. The final stroke fell in my effort to keep myself in one piece. My eyes stung as I turned and spurred my horse. The stable boy dove out of my way. Gallen hadn’t even gotten astride his horse. I gave my animal the reins. He didn’t wait for a second prompting as we recklessly shot up the road. We left the Healer and Gallen behind to catch up if they were able.
The fast-paced ride didn’t even come close to flying with Eshshah. But it was better than waiting for the others and enduring Lord Ansel’s eyes upon me.
Eshshah waited for me in the field. I leapt off the horse before we came to a complete stop, then secured him to a tree so he wouldn’t run away from fear of Eshshah. I blindly ran to my dragon and pressed my forehead to her nose. There I stayed, sobbing as she hummed softly while we waited for the Healer and Gallen.
They eventually arrived at the field, and I felt, more than saw, the Healer’s disapproval of my actions. I had, in essence, turned over a new leaf in regards to my self control, but I was still Amáne, and I had a breaking point.
We said our farewells. “I’ll contact you when I arrive, no matter the hour,” I promised.
“We’ll wait until we’ve heard from you,” said the Healer. They watched as I mounted Eshshah and we flew into the outpost to await nightfall.
Our flight to the Dorsal Outpost went quickly. We arrived in good time — it was good to be home again. I contacted the Healer, as promised, then fell into my bed in the first chamber at our outpost. A fitful sleep soon claimed me and threw me into my old pattern of nightmares. Worse than usual — this time Lord Ansel was included in the confusion and terror. He shouted as I ran in terror from a monster beneath the castle. I couldn’t tell if he was yelling for me to run faster, or for the monster to catch me. I awoke barely able to breathe.
At last the sun sent its rays through the skylights above my chamber, but I could not force myself to rise. Eshshah tried to get me to at least come out to the entry cavern to enjoy the sun and my favorite view, but I declined. My tears would not stop — my eyes, swelled from crying.
Later in the afternoon I drug myself to the chamber that Lord Ansel had occupied when we stayed here last. I slumped into his bed and inhaled as a faint scent of him still lingered.
Another series of nightmares and another morning arrived. Still I lay curled up in my bed as Eshshah hummed softly to arouse me. I felt badly for her, but I couldn’t pull myself out of my despair.
By the third day, Eshshah’s concern grew. Finally, in the afternoon, she decided she couldn’t allow me to continue in the dark direction toward which I plummeted.
“Amáne,” she nudged me forcibly until she rolled me off of the bed. “Get up! You haven’t eaten or bathed since we’ve arrived and I cannot bear your suffering any longer. You are a dragon rider, first and foremost. Our quest that we hoped for since we linked is looming ahead of us. Are you forgetting your duty so soon? Do you want us so weak that we shall fail? What you do to yourself affects me as well.”
Coaxing my body to a sitting position, I was, for the first time aware of my selfishness. I noted the distress in Eshs
hah’s eyes and the amount of scales that she’d shed. Normally, when a dragon reached her age, scale loss was minimal, but an unhealthy amount were scattered in her sleeping spot.
“Eshshah,” I groaned, “I’m sorry! Why is it that I keep hurting everyone I love?”
I struggled to get to my feet. My self abuse had left me weak, but I knew then that I must use all the strength I had left to fight my wretchedness. Standing up, I took in a deep breath, embraced her, and apologized repeatedly until she would hear it no more.
Preparing for a hot soak to help take away my gloom, I heard the communication disc buzz in the library. I walked as quickly as I could with Eshshah’s help up the corridor. I placed my hand on the brass knob and watched as the Healer and Gallen’s faces shimmered into view, then stared at me in shock. It took me a moment to realize what I must look like after the three days I’d spent in the dark recesses of my heart.
“Amáne! What happened? Are you ill?”
“No. I’m fine. I’m sorry, I didn’t consider what I must look like. I ... I haven’t been myself, but I’m okay, now. I was just getting ready to soak, and have something to eat.
“I’m glad you’re home already. How was your trip?” I changed the subject.
The Healer raised an eyebrow, “We’ve just arrived. Our trip was fine. We’ll see you here tonight. Are you sure you’re well enough to fly home?”
“Yes, Healer, we’ll leave shortly after dark.” Uncomfortable with her scrutiny, I excused myself, saluted and released my hand from the device.
Later, after my soak and a small meal, I stood with Eshshah on the ledge at my favorite time of day. We watched as the sun lowered into the ocean. A sadness swept over me as I thought about the first time Lord Ansel had kissed me. We stood in that very spot. But the sadness only lingered for a bit before I carefully wrapped the memory of his kiss and hid it in a corner of my heart that was reserved for happier times. I gathered the last remnant of my dark cloud and blew it out the entry to be swallowed by the sea, vowing that I will never let myself get to that point again. I owed it to the ones I loved.
The next few weeks careened toward our quest at a dizzying speed. I leaned into my practice like never before. Dorjan came over every day and worked with me on my fighting skills. He also continued to give me pointers on male behavior. They even asked Kail to come and practice some sparring bouts with me. He had been informed that I was training for a quest, but had been left out of the details. He didn’t question me, but was happy to be included in any way.
“How are Fiona and her family doing?” I asked him when we took a break.
“They’re still in mourning, but doing better. It’d be nice if you would call on her, Amáne. You know what it feels like to lose a parent and you may be able to cheer her.”
The next day I took a break from my morning training and went to visit Fiona and her family. They still wore the customary mourning color of black. It was time for her and her sisters to start wearing colors again.
On the day he took me on a tour of his grounds, Lord Ansel had given me some colorful Serislan silk yardage and ribbons from his stocks for me to bring to Fiona, Rio and Mila. I handed her the package. Her sisters crowded in to help open it. I delighted in watching them — it was just what they needed to help them move on in their grief. Fiona recognized the quality immediately and was in awe when I told her that Lord Ansel was now a silk-grower and had sent this gift to them.
“Lord Ansel? He’s a Lord?” Fiona eyes went wide. “You never told me that. It was obvious he was of a high upbringing. A Lord — Amáne, you’re so fortunate to have such an admirer.”
My face fell. Darkness clouded my eyes. Her hand went to her mouth. “What’s happened? Did he take a turn in his affections? That wouldn’t have been possible. I saw how he looked at you. Did you reject him for some insane reason?”
“I should’ve listened to you, Fiona. I did what you advised me not to do — I disappointed him. — No. Worse. I offended him and broke his heart with my selfishness.” My lip trembled. I fought the tears.
She took hold of my hand and encouraged me to go on with my story. I decided I would tell her parts of how I had spent my time in Trivingar, leaving out, of course, how I had arrived there and my kidnapping. I chose only the fragments I could share with her — the manor, the ball and the dresses I’d seen. All the things that she could have appreciated much more than I. She held her breath when I described the gown I had worn. I even told her about the pompous Lord Halebeorht and his audacity in attempting to get me out on the balcony. Her mouth dropped open in disbelief.
“How scandalous!” She giggled.
“I won’t go into details, but I insulted Lord Ansel beyond forgiveness. The remainder of my stay, which fortunately was short, he was detached and cold, for which I could not fault him. So, that’s it. I deserve to be alone. But enough about me, Fiona, tell me about your wedding plans.”
Surprisingly, she ignored my question about her favorite subject. “Amáne, you must write to him and beg his forgiveness. I know he must still love you and he will forgive you. Some silly angry words wouldn’t be enough to nullify what I saw in him. Trust me, I didn’t mistake the look in his eyes.”
“I did write to him, but he hasn’t yet received my letter. All I hope for is his forgiveness. I won’t blame him if he doesn’t resume his affections.”
Fiona reached out and gave me a hug. It felt good to have shared with her. Then she turned to her new silk fabrics with a light in her eye that had not been there since she lost her father. She proceeded to tell me of her wedding plans until it was time to take my leave.
My load had been lightened on two counts. One, that I was able to lift Fiona’s sadness; and two, that she helped to lift mine. Maybe my letter to Lord Ansel will be enough to warrant his pardon.
A wild racket entered my dreams. Howling wild dogs and snarling monster lizards, all chasing after me. Their only desire — to tear me apart. I awoke with a start and still the same sounds that had disturbed my sleep echoed in my ears. A full-blown Valaira whipped around outside. Our quest was to begin on this turbulent day.
“Oh no, Eshshah. How could we have a Valaira today, of all days?”
“It should be over by nightfall. We can’t leave before then, anyway.”
I got dressed and headed to the kitchen where the Healer and Gallen were already sitting at the table picking at some smoked fish and sipping hot watered wine. The feeling in the room was somber, which didn’t give me the confidence I needed the day of our mission.
“Dorjan still has one item to deliver, Amáne,” Gallen said. “He hasn’t been happy with how it’s been progressing, so it’s taken longer than he’d hoped. He just finished it to his satisfaction, but now he has to wait until the Valaira passes before he can ride over.”
“What is it? Can we be successful without it?”
“I’m afraid it’s necessary. Remember, he told you that he’s come up with a way that you can take an egg from the hatching grounds, yet make it look like none was missing. That’s what he’s been trying to perfect. Hopefully the squall will calm before evening.”
“Eshshah believes it should.”
I moped around all day trying to keep myself occupied so I wouldn’t think too much about our quest ... or about Lord Ansel. There were a couple of occasions in the last few weeks when the Healer tried to coax me into speaking with him on the communication disc. I still wasn’t ready to take that step, insisting that I needed to wait until after our journey. Although I felt physically prepared for our task, I needed to be just as mentally prepared. Contacting Lord Ansel would not help. She shook her head and didn’t press the issue any further.
The Valaira continued to toss around her furious gusts throughout most of the day and didn’t appear to want to let up. But finally by late afternoon, her anger was spent and all was calm.
My next dilemma was to address the problem of my long hair. The thought of cutting it all off made me shud
der. No girl my age had short hair unless they had experienced an extreme case of lice — and at that, it was only as a last resort. However, cutting my hair was the only guarantee that I would not be found out.
Taking her time, the Healer brushed through my long tresses, prolonging what neither of us wanted to face. I sat on a stool with a heavy heart as she grabbed the scissors and separated a portion of my locks. I closed my eyes and held my breath. A tear escaped and the Healer hesitated, scissors poised mid air.
Before the blades closed for the first snip, I pulled away. “Wait, I have an idea.”
Gathering my hair to the top of my head, I let a small amount fall evenly around my shoulders. I made a topknot with the larger amount, and held it with one hand while I pulled my cap on. The candidates would be wearing a white felt cap with no brim, free of any decoration. It had plenty of room in it to hide the rest of my hair.
“Now, you can cut what’s hanging out from under the cap. There’s enough hair to look like I have a short cut, but afterwards, my long hair will cover the short ones until they can grow out. I won’t have to sacrifice all of it.”
A collective sigh echoed in the room and then laughter as Gallen said, “You’re a genius, Amáne. I was ready to stop the blades myself — I couldn’t bear the thought of you losing half of your hair.”
The Healer completed the task as I had instructed. After thorough scrutiny, we all agreed, it passed as a boy’s haircut. What little vanity I had was saved — I was able to keep the majority of what seemed to be the only feminine part of me.
After taking a hot soak to calm my nerves, I dressed slowly for our quest, pulling on a dark heavy tunic over a dark long-sleeve chemise, and then dark tights. I retrieved my riding cloak, which always brought back memories of Lord Ansel. I thought about leaving it behind, but that would not have been wise. We would more than likely fly at the freezing altitudes that Eshshah loved as we headed for a field just outside of Anbon, where Bern now resides.
Amáne of Teravinea - The Prophecy (The Teravinea Series Book 2) Page 15