by Patrice Lyle
"You have to cut it off the stem though," Aunt Alfa said. "Otherwise, he'll run off with the cob and scarf it, which will give him the runs something fierce."
I cringed and sent a widened-eyeball plea to Aunt Alfa to curtail the bathroom talk.
The man's eyebrows rose to a theatrical pose. "I'm sorry, but we don't serve pigs."
"Sure you do." Aunt Alfa pointed at a huge dude in a red shirt scarfing down a platter of fried seafood. "Lookie there."
I gently lowered Aunt Alfa's arm. "Remember we talked about how impolite it is to point?"
"Impolite to point? It's impolite of Howdy Doody to ban Brownie from eating here."
The host narrowed his eyes into slits and slammed the menus onto the hostess booth. "Sorry, but we don't serve livestock at Fresh Flippers."
"Livestock? Pigs are highly intelligent beings." Aunt Alfa shot him a dirty look and then whispered, "Much smarter than you are."
Oh, for the love of chocolate ganache! I scooted Aunt Alfa away from the hostess stand. "Let's go elsewhere, okay? There are other places to eat on Annabelle Island."
"But Snookums said sushi."
"You're meeting Snookums?" Howdy Doody looked surprised. "Mr. Snookums said he was expecting a gray-haired lady. Not a feisty senior with a pig and two cowpokes."
I laughed. Even though Howdy Doody was being rude, Tex and I were wearing cowboy hats.
Aunt Alfa scrunched her face. "Whatever. My Snookums is a Brit. He lives in some West End flat."
"This Snookums is British too."
"Snookums?" A young woman's voice said. "Is he here already?"
I turned to see a gray-haired woman push her way toward the hostess desk. She wedged in front of us so all we saw was her back. She wore a teal-colored floral muumuu, which hung like a curtain from her bony frame.
"Yes," Howdy Doody said. "I'll take you to his table."
The woman followed behind Howdy Doody, and something struck me as odd. The old lady wore knee-highs that revealed something quite interesting.
Sushi tattoos decorated her calves!
I smacked Tattoo Tex. "That's Cassidy. The model."
"Where?" Tattoo Tex and Aunt Alfa both said.
"There. She's dressed up as an old lady." Then it hit me. "She's probably role-playing like Mystic Ming said Heath wanted Dr. J to do. We've got to confirm."
I darted after them and beckoned Aunt Alfa to join me. We threaded our way—covertly, of course—through the crowded restaurant. Howdy Doody headed for a table in the corner, and our only possible cover was a standing plant holder. Ivy spilled over the side of the structure. If we could just get on the other side, then we could easily spy on them.
I gestured at the plant holder, and Aunt Alfa nodded. Howdy Doody delivered Cassidy to Snookums' table and hustled away. I glanced around. The patrons in our vicinity were busy cracking crab shells and buttering corn. Perfect. I walked toward the planter, wedged myself behind it, and crouched.
Aunt Alfa followed suit, though it was easier for a size two to slip through than a size six, but I persevered, and we scooted to the end where I heard a man and woman talking.
"I feel ridiculous in this getup." Cassidy's tone was bitter. "I hate wearing this dumb wig."
"Dumb wig? The gray's a luminous shade," a man's British voice said. "You look exquisite in teal. That color makes your brown eyes shine like new pennies."
My jaw dropped. I recognized that line. By the annoyed look on Aunt Alfa's face, she did too. What in the world was going on?
"Look, Heath—"
"Please call me Snookums. All the grannies do."
Aunt Alfa tapped my arm and whispered, "If that's my Snookums, he told me I was the only granny in his life."
I shrugged, not sure what to say.
"I don't like role-playing, all right?" Cassidy sounded perturbed.
"I suggest you learn to like it." Heath's tone was terse. "I could make it worth your while because I talked to my attorney today, and Dr. J's fortune's going to me."
"Really?" Cassidy squealed, suddenly chipper.
I was suddenly suspicious, however. Dr. J's money was a serious motive for murder.
Heath chuckled. "I've been known to spend a lot of money on hot little antiques."
Aunt Alfa made a face that reminded me of whenever she missed the Early Bird Special by five minutes. "That's the Snookums from Senior Sweet Talk! He calls me a hot little antique all the time."
A new theory played out in my mind, and it went something like this. Snookums was incensed about Dr. J's refusal to role-play as a granny. But when she turned him into his boss for his geriatric affair, which led to his termination, he'd sought revenge in a jar of Carat Cream. If this were true, I had to get him to admit to the crime. But how?
I glanced at Aunt Alfa. Yes, this might work!
"I say we go back to the hotel, and you call Snookums as Sahara later. Get him to admit to being mad at Dr. J, and see if you can get him to confess to murder."
Better him behind bars than Aunt Alfa.
Aunt Alfa's jaw set with determination. "A hot little antique like me can get a man to admit to anything. Especially after he lied to me."
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Operation Snookums
Two bags of Chinese takeout and a foot-long, turkey-and-swiss sub later, the four of us sat down to eat in our hotel room. My mind was on overdrive from the Snookums sting and Mystic Ming's text.
Or rather lack of a text.
The pink-haired psychic hadn't responded to my question about what kind of ring Tattoo Tex was going to buy me. Or maybe he had already bought it? I glanced at my finger as I loaded a fork with steamed chicken and snow peas.
I could so see the sparkle of the diamond.
Tattoo Tex unwrapped his sub and offered Brownie a bite of turkey. "How do you figure Snookums is the killer?"
I pulled up the web browser on my laptop between bites. "Dr. J was sick of role-playing as a granny, which given what we saw tonight, had to anger him. Then Dr. J turned him in for sleeping with the boss's mom, and he was fired. That's a total motive. Plus he made that bloody woman remark, which is highly suspicious, and he's inheriting all of her money."
Aunt Alfa closed her container of pad thai. "I shouldn't eat so close to my performance. I don't want to get the post-meal sleepies."
Tattoo Tex nodded. "I'll probably be tired after this sub."
"Carbs will do that, especially wheat." Aunt Alfa retrieved her SST kit and headed to the bathroom. "I'm going to get ready."
I typed in Heath Wiles, according to the information provided by the front desk girl, fired from Wall Street job for geriatric boss's mom affair into the search bar. If Heath was as prominent as Dr. J was, something was bound to come up.
And come up it did.
An image of Heath, aka Snookums, being escorted out of a tall building by security guards loaded onto the screen of my laptop. The caption read Wiles fired for inappropriate relationship and suspicion of financial irregularities.
I could hardly believe my good PI luck!
"Financial irregularities?" Tattoo Tex set his sub on the nightstand and wiped his mouth with a napkin. "That's serious stuff thar."
"Wonder what the finance stuff was?" I furiously typed in Heath Wiles Wall Street Fraud into the search bar.
"Good idear, Doc."
I flashed Tex a smile and wondered when Mystic Ming was going to respond. He shouldn't leave a girl hanging with a one-liner like cowboy going to pop the question. If he didn't write back with details, Aunt Alfa's lavender sleep essential oil wasn't going to cut it.
New images loaded onto the screen. One showed Heath in a suit standing behind a table. A courtroom perhaps? I clicked on the first link to a small NY press and scanned the story.
Heath Wiles has admitted to using his former Wall Street investment firm's phone to make inappropriate phone calls to a company offering telephonic "counseling" services from older women. The investigation determined that M
r. Wiles spent approximately sixty percent of his work time calling the service, which bilked his employer out of thousands of dollars in salary as well as telephone charges. The scandal was uncovered after Mr. Wiles' wife approached Mr. Wiles' boss with news about an affair with his boss's mother. As a part of Mr. Wiles' settlement and restitution, the identity of the telephone counseling service company was sealed.
Tattoo Tex looked at me. "The therapy service has to be Senior Sweet Talk."
"For sure." My mind was reeling. "How could that detective not have known the financial irregularity story? Why go after Aunt Alfa when this," I said as I gestured at the laptop, "kind of motive is so readily available?"
"It all boils down to the evidence, Doc."
That was for sure. "What we need is a confession from Heath. That's the only way to get Aunt Alfa out of this pickle."
Tattoo Tex smiled. "I have faith in her to make Snookums come clean."
I had faith in her for making me laugh and causing my stress to skyrocket, but worming a murder confession out of a killer wasn't her forte. She was an aromatherapist. And apparently a former psychic therapist too. Oh, and now a telephone therapist. Luckily that was almost over.
Just one more call.
The bathroom door swung open, and Aunt Alfa draped herself against the frame. Her red negligee clung to her velour pantsuit, and the boa hung from her neck. Crimson lipstick shone from her lips, and teal eye shadow sparkled on her lids.
"I'm ready to make Snookums talk." She sashayed toward her bed, sat down, and scooted against the pillows. "My last Senior Sweet Talk's going to be a doozy."
"I hope so because I found some incriminating evidence on Heath, aka Snookums." I relayed the story to my auntie.
Aunt Alfa pursed her shiny lips. "Telephone therapy? Maybe that's why Senior Sweet Talk is getting shut down. I was thinking the detective we talked to tonight had something to do with it."
"I hadn't thought about the impact of Heath on SST." I was just happy Aunt Alfa's newfound employment was ending.
Tattoo Tex crumpled his sandwich wrapper into a ball and tossed it into the trashcan. "Any idear how this sting's going to work?"
I rose from the couch and paced the room. Exercise always got my brain moving. "Operation Snookums is going to go down like this. Once Snookums gets back to the hotel, Aunt Alfa is going to call him with a special going out of business sale—"
"If he offers his credit card, I'm not saying no. I have bills to pay, Pipe."
What bills? I paid all of our bills. That wasn't a nice thing to say, however. "What bills are piling up, Aunt Alfa?"
"Your pink shoes for one."
Aw. Now I felt bad. But back to the case.
"Aunt Alfa will butter him up and then go in for the kill with specific questions about his marriage to Dr. J and getting fired from his job."
Tattoo Tex nodded. "That sounds good, but what do I do?"
"You're going to wear your Bluetooth connected to your phone. And I'll call you on my phone." I lifted my phone for his viewing. "I'll have mine on speakerphone, so you can hear everything that Aunt Alfa and Snookums say. And I'll tape the call too."
The PI flash cards recommended having a recorded confession.
Tattoo Tex scrunched his face. "Is that legal?"
Aunt Alfa waved her hand. "Legal, schmegal. This is murder, Tex."
"You're right, ma'am. Pardon me," Tex said, nodding. "Where will I be during this operation, Doc?"
"This is the brilliant part. You'll be outside Heath-slash-Snookums' room, ready to make a citizen's arrest when he confesses to the murder." I had to stop myself from saying if instead of when.
My motto was a calorie burned, not a calorie consumed.
"What if he won't open the door thar?"
"Then you bust it down, Tex." Aunt Alfa picked up a tube of herbal lip gloss and slathered her lips. "That'll probably be the best part of the whole operation. I've always wanted to kick a door in."
I laughed. "Your platform Mary Janes aren't exactly designed for that."
"I'll get different shoes from Zippos if the site comes up."
I ignored her Zippos comment and picked up the guest list that the front desk girl had given Aunt Alfa. "He's in room 310."
Hmm. Wasn't that close to Bridget's? What if she came out and ruined our plan? Then I remembered that Mystic Ming still hadn't texted me back. Once Aunt Alfa started talking to Snookums, I'd text him back and ask him to respond pronto.
This couldn't wait.
Tattoo Tex put his Bluetooth earpiece in. "All right, Doc. Are we ready to rock and roll, and catch ourselves a killer?"
A pang of excitement shot through me. "Snookums is going down for murder." I turned toward Aunt Alfa. "You ready to call him?"
Aunt Alfa held her phone up. "Sure am, but Pipe, I don't want you to be shocked at what you might hear. Snookums likes my flirty zingers."
Oh, for the love of dark chocolate mousse. I hoped I wouldn't gag at Snookums' cheesy behavior. But if I did, I could always use some of Aunt Alfa's anti-nausea essential oil.
I nodded. "Consenting adults. I got it."
Tattoo Tex smirked as he exited the room. "This PI business is pretty crazy."
That it was, but a necessary crazy if I wanted Aunt Alfa to enjoy her senior years outside of jail. I looked at my auntie. "Let's get Operation Snookums underway."
A smile brighter than a sunrise lit my auntie's face, and I realized something. Even though SST was hardly a good career choice, it gave her something of her own. She loved working at my wellness center, but I think she loved her own gig. I'd have to work on that when we got home.
Well, after the Monster Truck Event.
Aunt Alfa dialed her phone, and I dialed Tex on mine. We both queued up our speakerphones so I could hear Snookums, and Tex could hear Aunt Alfa and Snookums. My heart raced as we waited for Snookums to answer.
So much was on the line…literally. Aunt Alfa's freedom for one. And my ability to leave the island, so I could buy a bottle of Outfrizz. I couldn't wait.
Finally, after what seemed longer than waiting for Mystic Ming's text, Snookums answered.
His breathless British voice came on the line. "Sahara, is that you?"
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Caught Red-Handed!
"Yep, it's Sahara, Stud-biscuit." Aunt Alfa shot me a quick thumbs-up sign. "How's it hangin' tonight, Snookums?"
"A lot better now that you called, and I'm back at the hotel." He cleared his throat and came back on the line. "You wouldn't believe the night I've had, Sahara. I can't believe I wasted time on a younger girl who hated role-playing as a hot antique. It was disappointing and frankly, costly."
"Wasting money stinks. Why didn't you just call me, Snook?"
He blew out an exasperated breath. "I wanted to break things off with her tonight, but she didn't stick around long enough for me to give her the bad news."
My eyes widened. He was going to dump Cassidy? I didn't think models got dumped.
Snookums continued his tale of woe. "It's going to be hard keeping women away after coming into money."
Aunt Alfa shot me a got him look. "Really? How much dough are we talking?"
"Several million." He paused, undoubtedly wondering how much he should divulge to telephone therapist Sahara.
"You must have a good job, Snook."
I smiled at my auntie. Perfect segue into his career, more precisely, his lack of a career after his own wife got him fired.
"I'm between jobs at present."
"That stinks. I was glad to get this job after being unemployed for so long." Aunt Alfa shot a wink my way. "It was hard getting up every day after I got canned."
"How'd you get fired?"
The shared experience caught his attention. Perfect.
"I was working for another telephone services company, one that offered psychic services. Without really meaning to, I made a few phone calls to a 900 number that was soliciting mail-order brides."
"Mail-order brides?" He sounded shocked.
I was too, and I hoped this was just a story to get Snookums to talk. A PI flash card did say it was okay to fib in order to get a confession.
"Yeah, I was thinking of signing up to be one. I made a few calls and found out I was too old. You have to be twenty-five or younger, which was lame. But then my supervisor reviewed the phone bills and said I committed some kind of finance irregular. They canned me on the spot, but it was all a big misunderstanding." She shot me an excited look and mouthed the words, let's see if he bites.
"We have a lot in common, Sahara. Something similar happened to me too. At my old job, I was bored with women my age, so I started calling Senior Sweet Talk on company time. Didn't even think about the phone charges."
"Me too. I didn't think about that either. And they probably wouldn't have looked at the phone bill if it hadn't been for this jerk guy I was dating at the time. He found out I slept with his pops and got mad. So he turned me in for the phone calls."
Brilliant move! I always knew my auntie was smart, but this was incredible.
"Do you mind me asking how old Pops was?"
"Pops was in his late nineties, but quite a wildcat. I was dating a younger man at the time, which was a mistake. And after he got me fired, I decided to take matters into my own hands."
"What'd you do?"
Aunt Alfa played a theatrical pause. "I'm not sure I should tell you. What if you tell someone? How do I know if I can trust you?"
He chuckled. "How can you ask me that after everything we've shared?"
"How about you tell me about your job first?"
"Fair enough. I made a bunch of calls to Senior Sweet Talk because my wife was younger and not interested in playing out my fantasy. So I had to look elsewhere, and at a company party, my boss's mom showed up. She was a looker in her muumuu and gray hair." He let out a long sigh. "We ended up in an upstairs bedroom, and one thing led to another. Then my childish wife walks in and catches us, and she told my boss. She also told him about some phone calls she'd seen on our phone bill. That's what prompted them to look into my phone activities at work."