by Patrice Lyle
"What a ho bag."
"My boss's ma or my wife?"
"Both actually."
I suppressed a giggle. I'd never interpreted ho bag like that before.
"So what'd you do to teach your wife a lesson?" Aunt Alfa was back on track.
"I filed for divorce right away, but she beat me to the punch." He blew out a breath of exasperation.
"I couldn't divorce my guy because we weren't married. I really thought about whacking him."
Snookums laughed. "I thought about killing my ex too. She was such a snob and refused to role-play with me."
"Was a snob? Is she still around?"
"No, she died." He paused. "Yesterday."
"Wow. That's good news for you. How'd she die?"
"She died being the center of attention, like she loved. She was demonstrating a new face cream that she thought was bunk, and her camera crew was filming the event."
"Bunk? Why would she think that?"
"She was a real pill."
My phone buzzed with a new text. It was from Tex. It read, I'm waiting in front of Heath's room, but Bridget showed up. She's talking my ear off about the monster truck show. Should I still try to get into Snookums' room?
That dumb tart! She was blowing our Operation. Before I could respond, however, a text from Mystic Ming came in.
Ring? Cowboy not buy you ring yet. The question he going to pop is about whether or not he should buy new truck. Big car purchase could drain cowboy's bank account and put a damper on move to Maryland.
What? My stomach clenched, and I couldn't concentrate on Aunt Alfa's conversation with Snookums. I glanced at the empty space on my ring finger on my left hand, and a sudden swell of sadness hit me.
I wanted him to propose. I wanted to be Mrs. Tattoo Tex.
My eyes stung, and I hung my head. Another text from Tattoo Tex came in. Doc, Aunt Alfa's almost got a confession, but now Bridget's talking about some cool truck her cousin's selling. You still want me to bust in and make a citizen's arrest?
A truck for sale? That tied into what Mystic Ming said about a new car purchase. I rapidly typed a message to Mystic Ming.
Does the cowboy's truck purchase have anything to do with a certain fitness star?
I hit send and gulped. Operation Snookums would have to wait.
Aunt Alfa had other ideas, however. She tossed a decorative pillow at me, and it hit my shoulder before dropping to the floor.
"My ex deserved to drop dead," Aunt Alfa said. "Did yours?"
"Absolutely. I'm glad the face cream was poisoned. The beauty of her murder is that our divorce wasn't final, so I just inherited her fortune."
"Ah, so that's where the millions came from."
"I earned every cent."
"So who killed her?"
"Not sure, but I owe him or her my life."
Aunt Alfa pegged me with another pillow and mouthed the words, yeah, right. Tell Tex to bust in. My mind was anywhere but the operation, but I'd better snap to. Aunt Alfa had worked her tail off. I fired off a message to Tattoo Tex.
Knock and see if you can get inside. Scan for evidence too. I'll meet you there in a second.
I hit send and mouthed the words get him to confess to Aunt Alfa.
She nodded. "Since we're being honest tonight, which I love Snookums, I should tell you that my ex died too." She gave another theatrical pause. "And I had a hand in it."
"Really?"
"Did you whack your wife too?"
"She got what she deserved—" He paused. "Hold on. There's a knock at my door."
Aunt Alfa and I exchanged glances. We hadn't obtained a confession yet, so maybe Tattoo Tex could muscle one out of him.
Words were exchanged, and then voices drifted closer to the phone. A woman's chipper laughter sounded over the line.
"You care if we ask you a few investment questions?" Bridget asked. "My boyfriend wants to get in the mutual fund market."
Her boyfriend?
"That's right. I have a few idears, but I'd like to run them past a professional."
My heart seized. Holy chocolate schnitzel! Now my boyfriend was undercover with that tart?
Snookums came on the line. "You still there, Sahara?"
"Sure am, Snook."
"This won't take long," he said to Aunt Alfa. Then to his visitors he said, "I'd be happy to offer you some investment tips, but I'm kind of busy right now."
"But my boyfriend really wants to know." Again, Bridget called Tex her boyfriend. This had to stop. Now.
"I'm going to Heath's room," I whispered to Aunt Alfa.
Aunt Alfa nodded her reply and lifted her hands as if asking what should I do now? I mouthed back, get him to confess. A sharp stab of jealousy hit me as I tore out of the room with my phone in tow. The conversation drifted out of the speaker as I hustled through the hallway.
Protecting Aunt Alfa from that conniving detective was a concern that suddenly battled for first priority with protecting Tattoo Tex from conniving Bridget.
"So, Snookums," Aunt Alfa said. "I believe you were about to tell me how you killed your wife?"
"I was not," Snookums sputtered. "I did no such thing, Sahara." A crash rang over the airwaves followed by the clatter of metal. A woman's shriek was next.
"Look at that!" Bridget yelled. "He has a vial labeled puffer fish venom! He killed Dr. J!"
* * *
A short while later the Hardy Boy look-alikes and Detective Franks descended upon Snookums' hotel room like a dust storm. One of the Hardy Boys cuffed Snookums, one of them read Snookums his Miranda rights, and the detective grinned as he bagged the vial of puffer fish venom.
"Carat Cream case closed. And that, boys," the detective said, "is how you solve a murder case."
Oh, please. You didn't solve the case. We did!
"I didn't kill her. I've been framed. Someone planted the puffer fish venom in my room." Snookums wiggled against the police officer. "When my lawyer talks to the judge, I'll be headed home sooner than you clowns can scarf a box of maple bars."
"Can it, killer." Detective Franks shot a menacing look at Snookums. "And you're a pervert too. Calling an old lady hotline."
"I almost got a confession out of Snookums." Aunt Alfa piped up from a chair in the corner. "I might have a new career as a professional interrogator."
Heath shot a disappointed look at Aunt Alfa. "You used me, Sahara."
Aunt Alfa waved her hand as if batting away an annoying gnat. "You lied to me, Snookums. I spied on your dinner with Cassidy and heard you call her a hot antique. You said I was the only one."
"Cassidy doesn't count," Heath said. "She's such a gold digger. All she wanted was my money to start some sushi business. In fact, she probably killed Dr. J, so I'd get the money from Dr. J's estate, which Cassidy thought she'd get from me. That chick's got the motive."
"Yeah, but you've got motive enough from the taped phone call, and you're in possession of the murder weapon." Detective Franks held up the vial of puffer fish venom in his gloved hand before he dropped it into a black bag. He sealed the bag and turned to the Hardy Boys. "Take Mr. Wiles to the station and book him."
My phone dinged with a new text. I glanced at the message. Mystic Ming was right! Heath is killer! Now Dr. J can leave Ming alone.
Whatever. I was done with Mystic Ming for a long while after his comments about a certain cowboy popping a question.
"I'm going to wrap a few things up, boys, and then I'll join you." Detective Franks whipped out his notebook and took a few notes.
The Hardy Boys heeded their orders and strolled out of the hotel room with Snookums in custody. Detective Franks turned toward us.
"Are you going to note in your report that I found the murder weapon?" Bridget's newfound PI enthusiasm was über-annoying. "I scared the murderer into bumping into that table, which knocked over the ice bucket and out rolled the venom." She cast a proud look at Tattoo Tex. "Me and my cowboy boyfriend solved the case!"
How dare s
he take my boyfriend and the credit for catching the murderer?
"Um, excuse me," I said. "But I masterminded this entire operation that led to the apprehension of the Carat Cream Killer. And he's not your boyfriend."
The detective shot me a questioning look. "Weren't you with the cowboy at the police station?" Then he turned to Tattoo Tex. "Are you two-timing these ladies?"
Tattoo Tex shook his head and slid his arm around my waist. "This here's my lady. The love of my life."
Aw.
"You jerk!" Bridget planted her hands on her hips. "How can you choose her over me? I'm a cowgirl at heart, and she isn't." Her frosty tone settled over the room.
Tattoo Tex tightened his grip on me. "I only played along with you to get into Heath's room, Bridget. My heart belongs to Doc. It's not a conscious choice. My love for her is as unconscious as me being a cowboy and my love for monster trucks."
My eyes welled up. Even though I knew deep down that he loved me, hearing those words was reassuring. I had nothing to worry about. He could buy a new truck, and we'd be okay. Deep down, I knew someday I'd be Mrs. Tattoo Tex.
But then a troubling thought hit me again. Were we only good while solving murders? What happened if Tattoo Tex moved to Sea Spray, and no one dropped dead? Would our relationship then drop dead?
"I love you, Doc."
Naw. The death of our relationship was a ridiculous worry. "I love you too, Tex."
I took great joy in rising onto the toes of my boots and kissing Tattoo Tex in front of Bridget. His lips were warm and soft. My toes curled inside of my bling dung kickers, and a thrill shot through me.
Now that the murder was solved, we were free to leave the island. I could finally buy some Outfrizz!
CHAPTER TWENTY
Sleek Marks the Spot
"Where should we celebrate?" Aunt Alfa sounded chipper as we strolled away from Heath's room. "Solving another murder calls for something delicious."
"Aunt Alfa, we just ate." How could she be hungry now?
"You kids ate, but I didn't want to eat before my big performance, and Chinese doesn't sound good now. I want something, but not sushi."
For some bizarre reason, her comment reminded me of Cassidy's tattoos and Heath's comment about her being a gold digger.
"Interesting that Cassidy wants to open up a sushi place." I reveled in my proximity to Tattoo Tex. I loved having his arm around me. "Why would she want to do that when she just signed on as a Sparkle O model?"
"Maybe she wants to diversify." Tattoo Tex steered me around a trash can near the exit to the stairwell. "That's what I do with my portfolio."
The surprise mention of Tattoo Tex's investment portfolio—major news to me—wasn't as riveting as something else I spied poking out of the trashcan.
Tufts of gray curls emerged from the edge of the silver can.
Hmm. That looks familiar. I stepped on the lever of the trashcan, and the lid popped open. A piece of sushi lay on top of a short, curly-haired gray wig. A PI vibe hit me, but it wasn't clear. I peered at the wig and sushi again.
What seemed so odd about them?
"What's up, Doc?"
"I'm not sure."
Aunt Alfa leaned closer and scrunched her face. "That looks like the same wig Cassidy wore at Fresh Flippers with Snookums."
"Precisely. And with the wig is a piece of sushi, Cassidy's favorite meal." But what did they mean?
My cell phone dinged, and we all exchanged looks.
I fumbled for my phone. "Mystic Ming wants to tell us something."
"What did he say, Doc?"
I glanced at the screen. "Nothing. It's Winnie. She wants me to resend the pictures I took of Brownie in our room when she and Dr. J were there." I typed back, Sure, hold on. Then I tapped through my camera roll until I found the pictures.
Aw. There was my sweet little piglet lying on his back and also standing with his snout pressed against the sliding glass door that led to the balcony. I remembered thinking how odd that was because Brownie always slept whenever we left him alone. I selected the two pictures and was about to hit send when I noticed something unusual on the balcony.
I squinted at the screen. "What is that?"
"What's what, Doc?"
I wasn't sure, but my pulse was racing. I tugged Tattoo Tex into a small alcove decorated with seahorse pictures and a fake potted palm tree. Aunt Alfa followed along, and the three of us sat on a blue-and-white striped couch.
I scooted a small decorative pillow aside and relaxed against the sofa. "Something's on the balcony in this picture." I used my fingers to enlarge the picture enough for me to see what it was. Once my brain registered the images of the sushi tattoos on the edge of Cassidy's calf, I dropped my phone onto my lap.
Holy chocolate babka! No wonder Brownie's nose had been pressed against the glass. He'd seen the killer.
"It was Cassidy." A theory was spouting faster than wheatgrass in my brain.
I hated to raise new suspicions after the Carat Cream Killer had been apprehended, but I had to act in the name of justice. Heath was a pervert, obviously, but Cassidy was an arrogant model who had tried to peddle Sleek for money. And why would Cassidy have dressed up as an old lady when, as a model, she could have any man she wanted?
Just to make a play for Heath's money like the gold digger he said she was?
Tattoo Tex furrowed his brows. "What was Cassidy?"
"I'm not sure Snookums is the Carat Cream Killer." My mind raced to piece together an alternate murder story. "Something doesn't make sense here, and I need to talk it out."
"You sure about that, Doc? They caught the killer red-handed. Heath had the puffer fish venom in his room."
"Yeah, Pipe. What's-her-name said it rolled out of the ice bucket."
"The venom could have been planted by Cassidy." I showed them the picture of her leg on the balcony.
Tattoo Tex's eyes widened. "Why would she be on the balcony?"
"To poison the Carat Cream." Then I pointed to the garbage can. "There's a wig and a piece of sushi in a trashcan located on the most convenient exit route from Heath's room. What if Cassidy wore the wig to plant the venom in Heath's room, then took it off and tossed it and the sushi on her way out?"
It made sense. I mean, who else would have a wig and sushi? No one.
Tattoo Tex lifted an eyebrow. "One person goes in, and another comes out. Pretty brilliant disguise."
"Exactly." I beamed at my boyfriend. We were such a fab PI team. "Cassidy could have worn the wig when she somehow got into our room. She poisons the Carat Cream, and then we came in and startled her, so she waited on the balcony until we left."
"Cassidy could have easily seen Dr. J's jar because of the J that I glue-gunned on it, and it was the only full-size jar." Aunt Alfa tightened a rogue loose curler. "She had motive because Snookums said she was a gold digger, plus Snookums said he was framed."
Hmm. The evidence painted a convincing case against Cassidy, but should we risk opening the Killer Carat Cream case? Aunt Alfa was home safe now.
"I know you both think that Snookums was a perv, but we had a couple of heart-to-heart chats." Aunt Alfa's eyes misted up. "He felt like he didn't belong. No one understood his love of antique women. I can relate to feeling left out because those old crows at the Sunny Sands retirement home never accepted me because I sunbathed au naturel."
Tattoo Tex nodded. "A cowboy tattoo artist doesn't really fit in the Lone Star state. I can relate too."
Now my eyes misted up, which was a bummer because I'd taken extra care with my eye makeup to counter my hair crisis. "As a naturopathic doctor, I often don't fit in. And when my skin was so bad in high school because of living off milk chocolate, I was an outcast."
"I feel bad for Snookums now." Aunt Alfa sniffed.
"Me too." I looked at Tex and my auntie. "Maybe we outcasts ought to stick together and help Snookums out. Especially with the new intel about Cassidy."
Plus, if we proved Snookums was innocent
that would put an end to that tart's bragging rights about solving the Killer Carat Cream case. Not that shattering Bridget's PI victory was my only motive for wanting to reopen the investigation.
Okay, so maybe it was.
I leapt from the couch. "Operation Snookums Freedom is on!"
"It's the right thing to do, Doc."
"For sure, and I know just the way to start." I shot them both an excited look as a plan molded together faster than my hair gel. "If Cassidy wore the wig to gain entrance to our room, then there's likely one person who might know."
Aunt Alfa leapt up. "Who?"
Tattoo Tex snapped his fingers. "The maid. Cassidy could have sweet-talked one of them to get in both rooms."
I loved having such a smart boyfriend.
I turned to my auntie. "Think you can call your front desk connection, and tell them we might need to review camera footage if they have it of our hallway? And see if we can talk to one of the maids?"
"I'm on it. I'll call the front desk girl right now." Her face tensed, and she drew her hand to her mouth. "I thought Brownie was safe because we caught the killer. But if our theory is right, the killer's still at large."
"Why don't you go to the room? And lock the door behind you." I could bark out orders when it came to my piglet and auntie's safety. "Don't open the door for anyone but us."
Aunt Alfa hugged me. "Go catch the real killer, Pipe."
* * *
After Tex and I had bagged the wig and piece of sushi, we headed to the front desk. We took the steps and entered the lobby. The news of the arrest must have traveled fast because the lobby was vacant except for the registration desk staff.
"I sure hope Cassidy's still here." I cast my gaze around the lobby, hoping to spot a maid we could talk to.
"As soon as we question the maid, we need to bring that picture to the police. And the evidence."
"Absolutely, but I hope Detective Franks won't blow it off because an arrest has already been made."
That would be just my luck. Then I'd have Snookums' incarceration on my conscience.
My phone buzzed with the receipt of a new message. Aunt Alfa had texted. I was in luck, and so was the case.