Clarissa Harlowe; or the history of a young lady — Volume 1
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LETTER V
MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE, TO MISS HOWE JAN. 20
I have been hindered from prosecuting my intention. Neither nights normornings have been my own. My mother has been very ill; and would haveno other nurse but me. I have not stirred from her bedside (for she kepther bed); and two nights I had the honour of sharing it with her.
Her disorder was a very violet colic. The contentions of these fierce,these masculine spirits, and the apprehension of mischiefs that mayarise from the increasing animosity which all here have against Mr.Lovelace, and his too well known resenting and intrepid character, shecannot bear. Then the foundations laid, as she dreads, for jealousy andheart-burnings in her own family, late so happy and so united, afflictexceedingly a gentle and sensible mind, which has from the beginning, onall occasions, sacrificed its own inward satisfaction to outward peace.My brother and sister, who used very often to jar, are now so entirelyone, and are so much together, (caballing was the word that dropt frommy mother's lips, as if at unawares,) that she is very fearful of theconsequences that may follow;--to my prejudice, perhaps, is her kindconcern; since she sees that they behave to me every hour with more andmore shyness and reserve: yet, would she but exert that authority whichthe superiority of her fine talents gives her, all these family feudsmight perhaps be extinguished in their but yet beginnings; especially asshe may be assured that all fitting concessions shall be made by me,not only as my brother and sister are my elders, but for the sake of soexcellent and so indulgent a mother.
For, if I may say to you, my dear, what I would not to any other personliving, it is my opinion, that had she been of a temper that would haveborne less, she would have had ten times less to bear, than she has had.No commendation, you'll say, of the generosity of those spirits whichcan turn to its own disquiet so much condescending goodness.
Upon my word I am sometimes tempted to think that we may make the worldallow for and respect us as we please, if we can but be sturdy in ourwills, and set out accordingly. It is but being the less beloved for it,that's all: and if we have power to oblige those we have to do with, itwill not appear to us that we are. Our flatterers will tell us any thingsooner than our faults, or what they know we do not like to hear.
Were there not truth in this observation, is it possible that my brotherand sister could make their very failings, their vehemences, of suchimportance to all the family? 'How will my son, how will my nephew, takethis or that measure? What will he say to it? Let us consult him aboutit;' are references always previous to every resolution taken by hissuperiors, whose will ought to be his. Well may he expect to be treatedwith this deference by every other person, when my father himself,generally so absolute, constantly pays it to him; and the more since hisgodmother's bounty has given independence to a spirit that was beforeunder too little restraint.--But whither may these reflections leadme!--I know you do not love any of us but my mother and me; and, beingabove all disguises, make me sensible that you do not oftener than Iwish.--Ought I then to add force to your dislikes of those whom I wishyou to like?--of my father especially; for he, alas! has some excusefor his impatience of contradiction. He is not naturally an ill-temperedman; and in his person and air, and in his conversation too, when notunder the torture of a gouty paroxysm, every body distinguishes thegentleman born and educated.
Our sex perhaps must expect to bear a little--uncourtliness shall I callit?--from the husband whom as the lover they let know the preferencetheir hearts gave him to all other men.--Say what they will ofgenerosity being a manly virtue; but upon my word, my dear, I have everyet observed, that it is not to be met with in that sex one time in tenthat it is to be found in ours.--But my father was soured by the crueldistemper I have named; which seized him all at once in the very primeof life, in so violent a manner as to take from the most active ofminds, as his was, all power of activity, and that in all appearance forlife.--It imprisoned, as I may say, his lively spirits in himself,and turned the edge of them against his own peace; his extraordinaryprosperity adding to his impatiency. Those, I believe, who want thefewest earthly blessings, most regret that they want any.
But my brother! What excuse can be made for his haughty and morosetemper? He is really, my dear, I am sorry to have occasion to say it, anill-temper'd young man; and treats my mother sometimes--Indeed he is notdutiful.--But, possessing every thing, he has the vice of age, mingledwith the ambition of youth, and enjoys nothing--but his own haughtinessand ill-temper, I was going to say.--Yet again am I adding force to yourdislikes of some of us.--Once, my dear, it was perhaps in your power tohave moulded him as you pleased.--Could you have been my sister!--Thenhad I friend in a sister.--But no wonder that he does not love you now;who could nip in the bud, and that with a disdain, let me say, toomuch of kin to his haughtiness, a passion that would not have wanteda fervour worthy of the object; and which possibly would have made himworthy.
But no more of this. I will prosecute my former intention in my next;which I will sit down to as soon as breakfast is over; dispatching thisby the messenger whom you have so kindly sent to inquire after us on mysilence. Mean time, I am,
Your most affectionate and obliged friend and servant, CL. HARLOWE.