The Second Time Around

by Rowan McAllister

Wow, you go, Mom. Way to stick up for me, he thought acidly.

  The thought was unfair. He didn’t know what was going on between his parents, but since he hadn’t heard from either of them, it didn’t make much difference.

  “That’s something, I guess,” he replied, less than enthusiastically.

  “God, Jordan, emo much?”

  With a glare, he pushed away from the table and paced the room. “What do you want me to say? Father threw me out and cut me off. I’m sorry if that’s making me a little moody. With no other information forthcoming, I have to plan the rest of my life based on what I have right now. I don’t have any other choice.”

  “I could give you some money,” Gemma offered hopefully. “I just got my allowance. I could give you some to tide you over until….”

  She left it hanging there, and Jordan sighed. “Until what? Until Father changes his entire personality and core belief system?”

  “So, what, you’re just going to walk away from us?” she asked, staring up at him with the glistening puppy-dog eyes of the little sister he remembered.

  With a groan, he threw up his hands. “It’s not like I want this, Gemma. I just can’t be the son they want me to. I’m never going to marry a woman and make grandkids. I never actually wanted to be a lawyer. I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not for the rest of my life. I can’t do it. So if they can’t accept the person I am, I don’t know what to tell you.”

  She continued to gaze at him with hurt shining in her blue eyes, and he sighed and slumped onto the bench next to her. “I’m always going to be your big brother, if you let me. But the rest really isn’t up to me, is it? I love Mom. I’ll always love all of you… even Father. As for the rest, I have no clue. I don’t exactly know what I’m doing here, if you haven’t figured that out yet.”

  She gave him a watery smile and nodded.

  Unable to take any more family talk without crying like a baby himself, Jordan said, “Hey. Did you pack any pants or decent shoes?”

  “What?”

  “Let’s go riding together… just like old times.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. Come on. I’m sure Russ can find us a couple of mounts, and Phyl should have some clothes if you need them.”

  Her lips curved as she smoothed a hand over her hair. “Russ?”

  He rolled his eyes. “Yes, Russ, who’s gay too, by the way… and mine.”

  While she gaped at him, Jordan stood on somewhat shaky legs and grinned. “Come on.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  AFTER COMING back from their ride, Jordan’s sister confessed to being tired from her trip, so Jordan showed her upstairs for a nap, while the rest of the ranch inhabitants hovered curiously outside. When Jordan came back down, he sported that fake smile Russ hated and waved everyone’s concern away before heading to the barn to get back to work.

  Phyl stood at the base of the porch steps, frowning after him, so Russ rested a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. “I’ll talk to him.”

  “Good.”

  In the barn, he found Jordan in the tack room furiously cleaning tack that wasn’t actually dirty.

  “You did everything else,” Jordan complained without glancing up from his task.

  Crossing his arms and ankles, Russ leaned against the doorframe. “There’s always plenty of work needs doing, if you want to go see Ernie or Jon…. Calliope’s water bucket needs cleaning.”

  Jordan finally looked up and gagged theatrically. “No way. I’m not that desperate for something to do. Besides, I did it last week. It’s not my turn again until after Ernie.” He set the gear aside and stood. “But I can go see if they need help with anything else.”

  When Jordan moved to pass him, Russ put a hand on his chest. “It’s almost quittin’ time anyway, and I think maybe you have something a little more important on your mind than cleaning up goat and donkey shit.”

  Jordan closed his eyes and hung his head. “Don’t. I can’t right now, Russ.”

  Sliding his hand up and around Jordan’s neck, Russ pulled him in until their foreheads rested together. “You’re wound tighter than a spring,” he murmured into the close air between them. “If you don’t release some of it soon, you’re gonna snap. Would you rather do it out here with me or in there in front of your little sister and everybody?”

  Jordan’s jaw worked, and his nostrils flared. “I don’t want to do it anywhere,” he grated.

  “That ain’t an option,” Russ whispered, not unsympathetically.

  With a huff of breath, Jordan tried to pull away, but Russ didn’t let him. “I don’t want to do this in front of you.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t want you to think less of me.”

  “I won’t.”

  This time Russ let him pull away when Jordan drew back and eyed him skeptically. “You weren’t exactly impressed with me from day one,” he pointed out.

  Russ grimaced. “I thought we’d been over that and put it to bed already. I said I was sorry for prejudging. I told you I wanted you the whole time. What more do you need me to say?”

  Wrapping his arms protectively around himself, Jordan took another step back. “There’s a difference between wanting to fuck someone and being impressed by them.”

  “Picking a fight with me ain’t gonna make the rest of this stuff with your family go away, you know,” Russ countered, taking a step forward. “I told you from the start, words weren’t my strong suit, but if you want me to lay it all out there again—even though I thought I’d given you plenty of demonstrations to convince you this past week or so—I will.” He advanced until Jordan’s back hit the wall. Crowding Jordan against it and placing his palms flat on the wood to either side of Jordan’s head, Russ said, “You’re kind. You’re smart. You’re generous and sensitive. You’re beautiful… and stronger than you think you are. Even with everything you’re going through, I can see the fight in you. But nobody’s strong all the time. Nobody can make it all the way through life without some help.”

  “Not even you?” Jordan’s lips wobbled into a wry smile, and Russ grinned.

  “Especially not me. One of these days you’ll see what a softy I am underneath, and it’ll all be over. You won’t look at me the same ever again. Now quit being an ass and talk to me.”

  Jordan grimaced and let his head thump back against the wall. “I’m sorry I’m such a wreck. I’m sure you didn’t need another lost soul to rescue.”

  With a roll of his eyes, Russ slipped a hand behind Jordan’s neck and tugged him into a kiss.

  “Ain’t your fault life kicked your legs out from under you. It’s what you do about it now that matters. You’re gonna land on your feet, though. I’m sure of that.”

  “Wish I could be so sure,” he whispered.

  Jordan’s breath hitched, and he buried his face in Russ’s shoulder. Wrapping him up tight, Russ just held on as Jordan shook and fought not to cry.

  “I’m the only one here, baby. Let it out.”

  “It won’t do any good,” Jordan sniffled.

  “It might. Have you tried?”

  With a snort, Jordan pulled back and shook his head. “God, I must look like shit right now.”

  He smoothed his hair back and tugged at his clothes until Russ captured his hands. “You look like you’re hurtin’, which is the truth. Now what happened with your sister? Did things go all right? She seemed pretty happy to see you, at least.”

  With an exhausted sigh, Jordan moved around him and slumped on the bench just inside the tack room door.

  “I think so? I mean, she didn’t tell me I was going to hell or call me a pervert or anything, so that’s a plus,” he said as Russ joined him on the bench. “But she didn’t tell me anything I didn’t know already, except my parents are fighting a lot… which might mean my mom isn’t ready to just write me off quite as easily as my father did.”

  “That’s something, right? One parent’s better than none.”

  Jordan grimaced. “So
rry. I guess this sounds like a lot of whining over nothing to you, after everything with your family.”

  With a frown, Russ gripped the back of Jordan’s neck and gave him a shake. “Don’t be stupid. Just because my family problems are different from yours doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to be hurt. If I remember correctly, you let me have it over that exact thing that night on the trail, and you were right. I told you that.”

  After taking a deep breath and blowing it out, Jordan nodded. “Yeah. Sorry.”

  “You say sorry one more time and I’m gonna have to kiss you ’til you stop,” Russ growled.

  Jordan blinked at him for a couple of beats before his lips curved. “Sorry?”

  Russ took great pride in being a man of his word, but he cut things off before they ended up naked in front of the open tack room door.

  “Okay. Enough distractions now,” he chastised breathlessly. “You gonna be okay? Really?”

  “Better now.” Jordan smiled. “I feel stupid enough for freaking out over a visit from my little sister. She flew all the way out to see me. She even offered to help if she could. But I was just settling in here, you know? Just trying to get my head on straight, and she comes and stirs all this stuff up again. I still have no idea what I’m going to do with the rest of my life, but at least I knew what I was doing right now.” He groaned and rolled his shoulders as he tipped his head back and gazed at the ceiling. “I feel like I need to get all my ducks in a row before I can have the energy to deal with that other stuff. It’s like from my old Psych 101 textbooks from my freshman year—what was that guy’s name, Maslove? Maslow? The hierarchy of needs thing?”

  Pursing his lips, Russ shrugged helplessly. “Sorry, you lost me. Name sounds familiar, but I didn’t go to college, and psychology textbooks aren’t really my first choice for a good read.”

  Waving his hands, Jordan continued, “Well, whatever it’s called. It’s like a pyramid with the basic needs like air, water, shelter, food, and that kind of stuff on the bottom. You need to have all that and other things like safety and financial security before you can deal with anything else. So that was kind of my plan, I guess. Maybe… I don’t know. I’m sounding really stupid right now. Please just stop me. Jesus, one visit from my little sister and I’m a mess. I don’t know why you want to put up with me.”

  Jordan moved to get up, but Russ grabbed his hand and tugged him back down. “Easy there. Take a breath and give me a second, okay? I think I get what you’re trying to say. You’re focusing on the things you can control and putting aside the stuff you can’t.”

  “Is that what I’m doing?” Jordan said with a self-deprecating smile.

  Russ chuckled. “Yes. It’s a good thing. It’s smart. But your sister being here could be a good thing too. You can control your relationship with her… or at least you can do your best to keep the lines of communication open, stay connected with her. You love her. She loves you. Nothing bad about that. Deal with her as she is, not what she represents.”

  “Except she makes me think of everything else I’ve lost. She wants something from me that I can’t give her. She wants her family back the way it was.”

  “But she also doesn’t want to lose her brother, right? You can give her that.”

  Jordan propped his elbows on his knees and dropped his head into his hands. “I wasn’t ready to deal with this yet,” he grumbled.

  Threading his fingers through Jordan’s hair, Russ gave his scalp a gentle rub. “I get that.”

  Turning his head so one blue eye peeped past his fingers at Russ, Jordan let out a muffled chuckle and said, “You know, for a guy who claims to be bad with words, you’re doing a really good job right now.”

  “Fair warnin’, I’m probably shooting my wad right here.”

  Jordan dropped his hands to hang loosely between his knees and grinned at him. “Not yet you aren’t.”

  Rolling his eyes, Russ pushed to his feet and headed for the door. “Come on. That’s enough jawin’ for now. Let’s go see what shit job Ernie or Jon can find to keep you occupied until Phyl rings the bell for supper.”

  When Jordan caught up with him, the little bastard slid a hand into one of Russ’s back pockets and squeezed. “I could just ride the fence and watch while you work with one of the horses,” he breathed in Russ’s ear. “Think of it as furthering my training… absorbing your genius.”

  “Careful or I’ll make you clean up that load of horseshit you’re layin’ down,” he replied, stepping away and giving Jordan a playful shove in the direction of the donkey pasture. “Now go find Jon before neither one of us is fit to sit at the table with company.”

  Jordan’s throaty chuckle followed him as Russ adjusted himself in his jeans and went to find his own distraction.

  Chapter Twenty

  GEMMA STAYED another full day before driving out Thursday morning to catch her flight home. Though Jordan felt guilty about it, he was relieved to see her go. He and Russ hadn’t exactly been falling all over each other in front of everyone before. But Russ had cut way back on those little touches Jordan loved—obviously because they made Gemma uncomfortable—and Jordan missed them terribly.

  He and Russ still had their nights together. He wasn’t willing to go that far for his sister’s comfort, but Jordan could admit he was needy enough to resent the loss of any of Russ’s attention. One of these days, he promised his pride that he really would get a grip. He just wasn’t there yet.

  Despite having longer conversations than he and his little sister had had in years, Gemma had remained jarringly out of place in her expensive but completely impractical clothes and shoes, a painful reminder of the life he’d left behind. She and Jordan had the love of riding in common, and their childhood, of course, but that was about all. And while she’d laid on the Thorndike charm like a pro with the rest of the ranch, she’d remained an outsider—another reminder that Jordan himself was only passing through, that everything he had now was only temporary, even Russ.

  He’d been quite happy living in a paradise of denial, and she’d pricked little holes in his bubble. The tidal wave was harder to push away. The need to make decisions about his life and get on with it prickled more insistently at the edges of his consciousness. And his excuses for not doing so sounded more and more pathetic.

  For the first couple of days after she left, everyone continued to treat him like glass. But luckily, once the weekend hit in full force, Russ and Phyllis had their hands too full to tiptoe around him anymore. Russ was as crabby as ever by the end of the day, and Phyllis was too tired to mother him. Every time Russ barked out an order or growled under his breath, Jordan had to hide a smile. Things were getting back to normal, and Jordan couldn’t have been happier about it, even if he felt a few twinges of guilt for grabbing on to the distraction like a lifeline.

  BY TUESDAY morning, Jon and Ernie had taken their cues from Russ and went back to ribbing Jordan at the breakfast table. When Russ’s hand slid almost absently onto Jordan’s thigh under the table as he teased Phyllis about something, Jordan closed his eyes, let out a happy sigh, and sipped his coffee.

  Normal. That was all he wanted.

  Marina was doing better by the day. Missy and Daisy were being picked up by their new family by the end of the week. Three of the goats had found a new home with a family in Waco. Over the weekend, a rancher from Clifton had agreed to donate two hundred bales of extra harvested feed hay after Jordan had given the man’s wife and kids the grand tour—and possibly talked them into taking a horse or pony in the bargain.

  Life was pretty good.

  Russ squeezed his thigh again, breaking him out of his daydream.

  “Jordan, hon, you feelin’ all right?” Phyllis asked as she cleared dishes from the table.

  “I’m fine. My mind just wandered a little,” he said, flushing in embarrassment.

  Phyllis gave him a gentle smile as she collected his plate. “Well, at least your appetite’s back. You didn’t eat hardly anything when
your sister was here. Of course, she barely ate more’n a mouse too. Must be a family thing.”

  That worried V appeared between Russ’s eyebrows again, but Jordan took his hand under the table and squeezed it reassuringly. “Really, I’m fine. I was actually just thinking we had a pretty good weekend, all things considered.”

  Her smile widened. “Yeah, we did. You were great with that Barton woman from Clifton. I think you might have just made a new regular donor out of her. We’re gonna need that extra feed, which is something I wanted to talk to you two about.”

  Russ and Jordan both stopped clearing the last of breakfast from the table. “What’s that?” Russ asked.

  “I got an email this morning from Bailey’s Rescue outside of Muskogee. Seems they got a big case from a debunked ‘rescue’ in Arkansas they need help with, and they’re reaching out to every good rescue they know, looking for help. This is a big one, dozens of neglected horses. They’re hoping we can take three or four at the least, maybe more later. Russ, you and I can sit down and decide just how many we can afford, but I figured, while I had the two of you together, I’d see if you were willing to take a little overnight trip north.”

  “I think we just might be able to manage that. Don’t you?” Russ said, his smile widening as he cocked an eyebrow at Jordan.

  “It’s an eight-hour trek each way, so if you’d rather I asked Jon to go with Russ…,” Phyllis teased.

  “No.” Jordan flushed as her grin widened. “No. I’m happy to help any way I can.”

  “Good,” she replied, nodding. “You go on ahead out to the barn while Russ and me look at some numbers and talk. Then I’ll call around to find someone to come in for bit Wednesday and Thursday ’til you get back.”

  Russ joined him in the barn an hour later. “Phyl got Michelle and another regular to agree to stop by when they can,” he began without preamble. “You sure you want to do this? It hasn’t been that long since your road trip down here.”

  Jordan grinned up at him as he tapped a finger to his chin. “Hmmmm. Let me see. Almost two whole days, just the two of us, and a night alone in a hotel with you? I think I can make the sacrifice for the good of the horses.”