Rabid

by Pamela Redmond Satran

  Human-dog psychotherapy: who’s the doctor here?

  Top 10 Reasons Your Dog Needs a Shrink

  1. Forget the vegan patties. Forget the doggie donuts. All he wants is a fucking bone.

  2. Those fake testicles? Not fooled.

  3. Keeps imagining that frilly tutu is a bird attacking from behind.

  4. Fifi is just not that into him.

  5. Motorcycles. Noise, wheels, sparks: what else do you need to know?

  6. The Sisyphean task of trying to deal with the eternal and endless tsunami of pee-mail.

  7. That squirrel outside the window has obviously been sent from some faraway galaxy for the express purpose of driving him out of his mind.

  8. You feed her twice a day. And you won’t listen, no matter how often or how loudly she tries to tell you that she actually wants to eat eight times a day.

  9. Can’t help but take it personally that you consistently refuse to make it a threesome.

  10. Wants to eat the baby but fears that could mean an end to pizza treats.

  Dog Therapy

  Dogs have received a lot of attention lately for their therapeutic prowess. From witness stands to cancer wards, kindergartens to law school libraries, therapeutic dogs are working to ease trauma and soothe stress for millions of humans.

  Dogs have helped survivors of the 9/11 terrorist attacks and Hurricane Katrina recover, rape victims testify, and autistic children learn to read. They’ve provided comfort to patients facing terminal diagnoses and to wounded soldiers returning from the battlefield. Therapy dogs have been employed by such august institutions as Yale University, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, and the U.S. government.

  Of course, humans provide psychotherapy to dogs, too. Dog psychologists, many of them trainers who crave a fancier name, are called in to treat such disturbances as incessant barking, separation anxiety, or coprophagia. That’s when a dog eats its own poop.

  Psychologists who treat dogs differ from psychologists who treat humans in that they make house calls and rely on their canine patients’ family members to describe the problem and carry out the cure—kind of like if your shrink asked your mom what she thought was wrong with you and then told her how to help you get better.

  The dog patient gets to be in the room as the diagnosis is being made and the remedy dispensed, but until dogs learn to not only bark some facsimile of “I wuv you” but also to describe last night’s disturbing daddy dream and verbalize the ambivalence of transference, dog psychotherapy will not resemble human psychotherapy so much as infant parenting advice.

  “A dog’s mind is pretty simple,” says Dr. Gail Clark of Fort Collins, Colorado, who has a doctorate in psychology with a specialization in dog-human behavior and hangs out her virtual shingle at k9shrink.com. “Dogs don’t have the game-playing humans have. Dogs are motivated by rewards and consequences. They want to be led. Dogs think in the now and that’s the beauty of them.”

  Dr. Clark is always in the room with both her canine patient and its human family. She collects the history of the trouble and observes the interaction between the dog and its people, and then prescribes a course of action, solving most problems in a handful of sessions.

  And to deal with really serious psychological issues, like facing a terminal illness or recovering from a criminal attack? For that, you’re going to have to call in the dogs.

  Artist Sheila Norgate’s interpretation of Freud and his canine assistant therapists.

  CRAZY? Freud’s Dog Thinks You’re Nuts

  Freud himself pioneered the therapy-dog movement when he had his dog, Jofi, sit in on his psychotherapy sessions. Not only did Freud believe—as evidenced by his diaries—that Jofi was an excellent barometer of his patients’ states of mind, but the father of psychoanalysis said things to his patients via his dog that crossed the boundaries of what any therapist would say directly.

  Dr. Roy Grinker, a psychiatrist himself who was analyzed by Freud in 1932, writes that if Jofi scratched to be let out of the therapy office, Freud would claim, “Jofi doesn’t approve of what you’re saying,” and if the dog tried to get back in, the great doctor would say, “Jofi has decided to give you another chance.” Once when the dog jumped on Grinker, Freud exclaimed, “Jofi is so excited that you’ve been able to discover the source of your anxiety!”

  There’s a Pill for That

  Phobias, depression, anxiety, irrational anger, having to sniff every third lamppost you pass—they’re human psychiatric maladies, but they affect dogs, too. Dogs have a similar brain chemistry and limbic system as humans, so most human psychiatric drugs affect dogs in the same way.

  Drug companies are developing canine versions of human psychopharmaceuticals—like a chewable, beef-flavored version of Prozac called Reconcile—and coming up with drugs developed especially for dogs, too.

  Dog-specific phobias like cars and thunderstorms can be treated with Valium and Xanax, for instance, while canine separation anxiety can be addressed with a doggie drug called Clomicalm.

  Critics say these problems are the result of poor training or trauma and that relying on drugs without dealing with the underlying emotional and behavioral problems is not an effective long-term solution. And there may be other nondrug but also nontraining solutions to emotional problems, such as tight body wraps for the 41 percent of dogs—according to Thundershirt, who have a stake in the figure—who suffer from anxiety.

  But brain chemistry imbalances are as real in dogs as they are in humans. Drugs may help up to 60 percent of canine anxiety sufferers and 90 percent of those who are overly aggressive. But animal psychologists and trainers say medication needs to be augmented with behavioral modification techniques.

  And what about that lamppost-sniffing issue? Yes, dogs get obsessive-compulsive disorders or OCD. As humans sometimes compulsively wash their hands, Labradors may suffer from something called “stump suck” in which they tongue their paws so often they lick off all the hair. Dogs may also chase their tails to the point of exhaustion or bark ceaselessly. The cause is often the same as in humans—low levels of serotonin—as is the medication used.

  Just don’t be tempted to share psychotropic drugs with your dog. You both need your own prescribing physicians and your own therapists or you could risk barking at squirrels while your dog starts questioning the meaning of life.

  How to Be a Dog Psychic in Eleven Easy Steps

  Wonder what kind of job you can do from home, for maybe like a hundred bucks an hour, that takes no education or training or special talent? Oh, and right, that doesn’t require that you take off your clothes or give up your three-Ring-Ding-a-day habit? You got it: pet psychic!

  1. Never call yourself a pet psychic. The preferred term is “animal communicator,” which is kind of like solid-waste engineer or exotic dancer.

  2. Learn to recognize whether dogs look happy or sad, healthy or sick, friendly or angry, dead or alive. Or you know what? Don’t bother. People are only going to pay money to have you communicate with dogs that are sad, sick, angry, or dead, and telling the difference between those is easier than cooking an order of fries.

  3. Get your first customer. You can do this by appearing on television, building a website, advertising in media aimed at pet owners, or calling people who are looking for lost pets and saying you can tell them where their dog is—for a price.

  4. Once you have an actual dog to communicate with, clear your mind. You know, like you do when your kids are talking or you’re having sex.

  5. Tune in to the visions, words, and feelings that pop into your head. Everyone has this ability. You only have to know how to access it. Or at least that’s what it says on the Internet.

  6. Try to go national (or international!) and phone or Skype it in. That way you can make so much more money so much more easily and you won’t have to actually touch the dog.


  7. If using Skype, claim you can’t work the video function. You don’t want your customers to see Jersey Shore on mute in the background or that Ring Ding in your hand.

  8. Okay, where were we? See, eight steps, already: this shit is hard!

  9. Say what the dog is feeling, in dog voice. Dog voice, according to the most successful animal communicators, sounds kind of like the Indians sounded in pre–political correctness cartoons: Me no like can food. Me like people food! Old dog no smell good. Old dog smell sick. Me in happy place. Me be with Mommy again one day!

  10. Remember you’re selling hope where there has been despair, confidence where there has been desperation, certainty where there has been confusion. Keep your messages simple and positive, and don’t get all hung up on truth.

  11. Most important of all, get your money up front. And no refunds.

  Aries. Romance rules the day as the Moon in your fourth house beams its light on new love. Self-esteem is at an all-time high for you.

  Dog Horoscopes

  In case communicating psychically with your dog doesn’t help, you may want to turn for illumination to dog astrology. One canine horoscope site, for instance, offers this: “The Aries Dog will never be a ‘yes-dog.’ The end relationship between the Aries Dog and his or her human will largely be one of compromise . . . usually on the part of the owner . . . but can be most enjoyable once the owner is ‘trained.’”

  Can dogs really be influenced by their daily horoscopes? Artist John Fleenor painted a series of dog portraits with the animals’ daily horoscopes. You be the judge.

  Gemini. With the moon in your area of status, you’ll attract the notice of those in authority. If you’re looking for work, today’s new moon will give an amazing boost to your efforts.

  Taurus. Financial matters will hold your attention for much of the day. Today’s new moon in your eighth house of shared resources makes this a great time to meet with your financial adviser and go over your portfolio.

  Cancer. This could be a major turning point when you decide whether to work through problems with your partner or go your separate ways. Could also be a good time to clean out closets!

  Leo. Your ability to network will be at an all-time high as Jupiter moves through your house of connections. There are cosmic hints of behind-the-scenes events that could impact your public life.

  Virgo. Your mind is stronger than usual and you yearn to connect with others in profound ways. Don’t hold back: speaking the truth is the key to growth and transformation.

  Libra. This is the perfect day to make travel plans. The month ahead could find you on distant shores for business, pleasure—or some delicious combination of the two.

  Scorpio. You might decide to make a change to your physical appearance or start a new project. If you truly desire to change your life, now is the time to make your move.

  Sagittarius. This is a good time to shop for work clothes but don’t go overboard on spending. This afternoon, laugh with friends and relax.

  Capricorn. You may want to hide away from the world today, but rise above petty quarrels. Profvessionally and romantically, this could be a time of fulfillment.

  Aquarius. What happens around the time of the new moon next week will bring together all of the efforts you have made since your last birthday. Your way with words and clear vision will impress those in power.

  Pisces. You may feel pressured to make an important business decision today. Changes brewing in your professional life require that you set up systems and schedules and stick to them.

  CRAZY about your dog or just CRAZY

  Getting the peanut butter–flavored dog toothpaste so your dog doesn’t freak out when you brush his teeth.

  Feeling guilty if you don’t floss them.

  Treating your dog to a massage after an injury.

  Dog reiki. Really, really crazy: by phone.

  Consulting a dog psychologist.

  Consulting a dog psychic.

  Dogs and the Visual Arts

  Dogs have been part of the visual arts as long as there’s been art, appearing in cave paintings, in medieval tapestries, and in religious and mythological works.

  Beyond the dog paintings, sculpture, and photographs that grace the halls (and in Jeff Koons’s case, the rooftops) of high-end galleries and museums, there’s another flourishing world of dog art, in a range of forms. Thousands of painters, printmakers, and photographers specialize in dog portraits, for instance—attractive, often, but hardly remarkable. And then there are those visual artists who take things further:

  Dog with Mona Lisa. Dallas artist Rebecca Collins runs Art Paws, which along with doing standard pet portraits will Photoshop your dog into a classic painting like The Birth of Venus or the Mona Lisa.

  A dog’s face in the

  Mona Lisa is the hottest seller of Dallas-based Art Paws.

  Painter James Kuhn uses his own face as his canvas.

  The dog goes round and round. Carousel carver Tim Racer fashions dogs into antique-style wooden carousel figures. His carved dogs are featured on carousels at the San Francisco Zoo and in Golden Gate Park.

  The name makes the dog. Stephen Kline is a Florida artist who creates lithographs of dogs by writing the name of the breed—poodle, poodle, poodle—or your dog’s individual name over and over and over. And over.

  Dog face. James Kuhn’s canvas is his own face, on which he paints entertaining and sometimes horrifying pictures of dogs and lots of other creatures—a new one every day. See more of him on Flickr at hawhawjames: he is amazing.

  Let the dog paint his own damn picture. Tillamook Cheddar is “the world’s preeminent canine artist,” creating pictures with her nails that have been shown in galleries in New York and throughout Europe. If you wished your dog were more like Tillie, you might want to start her out with a Pup-casso interactive paint kit, which you can buy online for $20.

  Dogs and Movies

  Dogs have been popular stars, costars, and subjects of movies since the dawn of Hollywood.

  Top 10 best dog movies

  Averaged from a range of Top 10 lists

  1. 101 Dalmatians

  2. Marley & Me

  3. Old Yeller

  4. Benji

  5. Turner & Hooch

  6. Lady and the Tramp

  7. Lassie Come Home

  8. Homeward Bound

  9. Beethoven

  10. Best in Show

  Top 10 Highest-Grossing Dog Movies

  If you are ever tempted to claim that Scooby-Doo, say, or the deathless classic Beverly Hills Chihuahua was a “stupid movie,” I refer you to these earnings figures, in millions, according to Box Office Mojo. How much was it you said that you made?

  1. Scooby-Doo$153m

  2. Marley & Me$143m

  3. 101 Dalmatians$136m

  4. Beverly Hills Chihuahua $94m

  5. Cats & Dogs$93m

  6. Scooby-Doo 2$84m

  7. Eight Below$81m

  8. Snow Dogs$81m

  9. Hotel for Dogs$73m

  10. Turner & Hooch$71m

  Dogs and Television

  From the earliest days of television, dog shows have been popular, but now we have Animal Planet, an entire channel devoted largely to dogs.

  High-resolution television makes televised images look more realistic to dogs, who will respond to images of real dogs in motion—doggie videos featuring dogs and other animals moving—but not to cartoon dogs.

  That’s bad news for Goofy, though televised dogs come in all forms. Among the most popular canine shows and characters now and in the past:

  Vintage

  Lassie: The collie who always saved the day.

  The Adventures of Rin Tin Ti
n: German Shepherd who was a hero of the Canadian Mounties.

  The Littlest Hobo: Highly original concept—another hero Canadian German Shepherd.

  Kids’ Shows

  Blue’s Clues: A man and his (blue) dog solve mysteries.

  Scooby-Doo: A dog is the (very large) mascot of a mystery-solving team.

  Wishbone: Talking dog acts out famous stories from literature.

  For Grown-Ups Only

  Wilfred: A man hallucinates that his dog is a surly man in a dog suit.

  Family Guy: Brian is a dog who walks upright, dates women, and went to Brown.

  Inspector Rex: A German police drama about a crime dog.

  Animal Planet

  Bad Dog!: Bad dogs and very, very bad dogs.

  Pit Bulls and Parolees: Pits and ex-cons rehabilitate each other.

  It’s Me or the Dog: Counselor helps couples and dogs achieve harmony.

  Dogs and Music

  There’s music for dogs and then there’s music about dogs. Each has its own, very individual appeal.

  The Emperor’s New Song?

  Remember when you were a kid and first learned that dogs could hear high-pitched sounds that we couldn’t? That opened the door to the possibility of a whole secret dog world, where they were picking up high-frequency messages and communicating among themselves in ways we could never know.

  Now a handful of musicians—and advertisers—have tapped into that secret world with music and other sounds that only dogs can hear.