by Lynn Kelling
“He’s here,” Charlie said, dumbstruck. “Is Evan?”
“No. But you better pray he doesn’t wrap his car around a tree, or worse,” Jimmy said sharply, his own anger coming to the surface. It helped Brennan feel steadier, to hear it, especially since it was directed at Charlie. He couldn’t see Charlie from where he was sitting, and didn’t want to. Drawing the blanket higher, burrowing down into it, Brennan felt trapped.
“I need to speak with Brennan.”
“No. You need to calm down.”
“I am calm!” Charlie yelled. “They were naked! Wrapped around each other! They’re brothers, for Christ’s sake! Why would they do this?!”
“I don’t know, but if Brennan’s crime is loving Evan the wrong way, yours is beating the son you abandoned, in a fit of rage. You did this, Charlie. You drove them both off! Where did you think they’d go, if not to each other?! Thank God I was here to help Brennan but Evan is still out there, thinking God knows what and he needs to be found, fast. Have you tried calling him?”
There was a pause, then Jimmy cursed, “Shit.”
“What? What happened?!” Brennan demanded, standing.
Jimmy turned back toward him and held up something in his hand.
It was a phone—Evan’s phone.
Jimmy called Luka while Brennan showered. After Brennan emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a sweatshirt borrowed from Jimmy, there was food and coffee set out on the table for him. Taking a seat, drawing the plate and mug closer, Brennan kept his head down but dug in, feeling starved. He knew he needed fuel to keep him going because he couldn’t stay. He needed to go again, and find Evan.
“They’re on their way. They’re going to stop at the house and get some of your things together. I don’t think anyone expects you to return to Charlie’s place. Not today, at least. You’re welcome to stay with me, of course, but Luka assumed you’d be going to stay with them.”
“Yeah. Thanks for the offer, though. Um, where do you think Evan is? Where would he have gone? He was….” In his mind’s eye, Brennan saw Evan bolting from the house, then flying down the road like his worst nightmare was right at his heels. “He wasn’t thinking. He was just running. One night, when Luka and Alek were fighting, I ran, too, but I just, like, picked a direction and took off just to get clear of all of the yelling and drama. If Evan’s doing the same thing….”
Jimmy sat down across from Brennan and sagged a little, rubbing his forehead with a hand. “There’s no way to tell. It’s worse that he got in the car. He could have gone anywhere, really. Just the fact that Luka and Alek haven’t heard from him either worries me. They’re his support system now, but if Evan feels he can’t turn to them, either, it’s not a good sign. He doesn’t have a phone, probably doesn’t have money. If Evan is panicking and closing down.... He has no other close friends, no family. Usually he’d go for a walk in the woods, but if he’s driving…. We’ll have to just drive around, check coffee shops, places he’s gone before. He could have just pulled over somewhere to think, regroup. Charlie is already out there looking, but I think if Evan saw Charlie coming, he’d just take off the other way as fast as he could, or hide. I told Charlie to give it up, let us handle it, but he’s stubborn. Evan is… precious to him.”
“Yeah, I’ve figured that out,” Brennan murmured.
Before long, Alek and Luka arrived in Alek’s truck. A bag was slung over Luka’s shoulder.
Jimmy and Brennan came outside to meet them. Alek and Luka both gave Brennan a hug, looking furious once they saw his split lip, the bruise on his jaw and how shaken he was. Brennan knew they’d already gotten the whole story from Jimmy.
“This is your stuff,” Luka said. “Toothbrush, phone, wallet, clothes, shoes—anything you’ll need.”
“Thanks,” Brennan said, not leaving the safety of Luka’s encircling arms. “We have to go. We have to look for him. Maybe we should split up, go in different directions, and cover more ground. He must be so scared.”
“We’ll find him, okay?” Alek told him, looking determined and ready for a fight, which made Brennan hope they didn’t run into Charlie again. The last thing they needed was to make things worse.
Alek’s truck was parked beside the trailer. They opened the door so Brennan could climb in. After helping him up, Luka followed, sliding in as Alek jogged around to the driver’s side. They waved to Jimmy, saying, “We’ll call if we see or hear anything! Let us know if you hear from him!”
“Will do,” Jimmy said solemnly. “Good luck.”
They turned the truck around and headed back down the long driveway. Sitting tensely between the Popovics, Brennan said, “We’ve gotta keep our phones on and the lines open, in case he calls. He’s gotta call one of us sooner or later, right? He’ll find a pay phone or something.”
Luka drew Brennan into a hug and kissed the top of his head. “He’ll be okay. He’s just scared. Freaked out. He’s always liked his space when he’s felt overwhelmed, right? He’ll go off somewhere to think and get himself together. That’s all this is.”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because I know him, just like you know him,” Luka said confidently, taking Brennan’s hand while Alek drove on. “We have to trust him.”
“Before, he would have done something terrible,” Brennan argued fearfully. “He might have tried to hurt himself. But… he’s changed. He has changed, right? He wouldn’t really….”
“He wouldn’t,” Luka told him, looking certain. He stared at Brennan’s lip and jaw, frowning, and hugged him again. “He wouldn’t.”
Chapter 24
Lost
It was past midnight, but Jimmy’s phone was still going off regularly like it was the middle of the day. Alek was frantic, since many hours had passed with no sign of Evan; Luka was preoccupied with reassuring an increasingly pessimistic Brennan. Charlie was at a bar, drinking it off despite Jimmy’s disapproval.
But, maybe more than anyone, Jimmy understood Evan, and if he didn’t want to be found, he wouldn’t be. It was as simple as that. He’d learned from that day when he was fourteen if you really intended to get lost, you had to go farther than your own backyard. Jimmy knew Evan still wished, now and then, he hadn’t been found, that he’d been allowed to die in peace. If Evan, who had just experienced the worst shock of his life, wanted to vanish, he would. He would find a way. The only thing they could do was wait, hope, and pray.
Alek and Luka had driven around all day, in every direction, looking for Evan’s car. One of the first places Jimmy had checked was the shelter where he and Evan volunteered, but Evan wasn’t there and hadn’t been seen.
At ten minutes to one in the morning, Jimmy’s phone began to ring again.
He answered, recognizing the number, and said, “Yeah. Hey Pedro.”
“Evan’s here. He was asking if we had a bed available. Could barely keep his eyes open when he walked in, poor kid.”
Everything that had been wound tight with dread in Jimmy for hours upon hours finally loosened. Slumping in his seat, letting out a profound sigh of relief, he groaned, “Oh, thank God. Thank God.”
“Made me promise not to tell anyone he was here, though, so you didn’t hear from me.”
“No problem. Thank you for calling. I thought… well, it doesn’t matter now.”
“Yeah, I know how it goes.”
“I’ll be there soon.”
Of all things, it was the shower that decided him. For over twelve hours, Evan had been driving his way through two full tanks of gas, not staying anywhere long. And for every minute of that time, all he could feel was the dried come on his thighs and in the crease of his ass. All he could see was Charlie backhanding Brennan across the mouth and raving like a lunatic.
Evan knew he was a terrible person. He’d been damned to hell since he was fourteen for trying to take his own life, so adding the sin of incest onto that wasn’t going to do any more damage than had already been done. But Evan thought the worst thing he’d e
ver done was what he did that day in running out of the house without taking Brennan with him.
There was no excuse. Faced with Charlie, with no way to defend himself, Evan simply had fled. It was primal, instinctive. Before he’d even gotten a block away, he knew he’d made an awful, unforgivable mistake in not waiting for Brennan. His brain hadn’t let his body slow down to turn around and go back, though. He’d been crying most of the day about that particular failure.
The horror of being faced with Charlie’s actual reaction to seeing his twin sons post-coitus caused Evan to make a mistake. It was a hell of a mistake, but there was no reasoning through it, no way to process what had been happening after Charlie pulled Evan off the bed, half-asleep. It all seemed to happen automatically, like he wasn’t there at all but was only watching, like a spectator. He’d heard the screams, with Brennan yelling right back, saw the look on his father’s face and had gotten behind the wheel of his Chevy before he’d even been able to stop, breathe, and think.
But he should have waited for Brennan. It was a lesson in patience Evan never intended to have to learn again. He knew he needed to think things through and speak up rather than heeding his gut reactions. He knew it. It was what drove him to suicide when a single conversation with Charlie might have resolved most of Evan’s confusion and heartache. It caused him to chase a stranger from a bar, without stopping to alert anyone else of perceived imminent danger, and almost got Evan killed a second time. And that very day, it had driven him to betray the person who meant more to him than his own life.
Unable to face anyone, even himself, he’d turned the rearview mirror away so as to not accidentally catch sight of his reflection, and he drove. Calling Alek or Luka, let alone showing up at their house, alone, was out of the question. The passing scenery and simple act of making progress, putting distance behind him, had been the only thing that had made any sense and gave any relief. But he felt disgusting and knew he must have smelled awful. After avoiding human contact as long as he could, despite hunger pains, the constant drooping of his heavy eyelids warned him to pull over and get rest before he hurt anyone else. So, he’d gone the only place he knew would let him in without a single question or expectation.
The added guilt of taking a bed from someone else who might need it more than him was just another layer on the heap. He’d barely made it through the shower without passing out and was asleep before his head hit the pillow on the last cot in the long line of them at the shelter where he’d been volunteering for years.
The blackness of unconsciousness took him.
Then, hands were moving him.
“Lemme sleep,” he complained, letting go of consciousness with effort and drifting away again. Not even the hand on his face, the lips on his cheek, and the lifting of his body from the bed could wake him.
For a while, he knew nothing. It was blessed, dreamless rest. He stirred again when he was once more grabbed and lifted, but the comforting scent of Alek’s skin only had Evan burrowing deeper into the strong arms carrying him. He lifted a hand to wrap the side of Alek’s neck and dozed off once more.
Time passed.
Fingers tenderly brushed the hair back from his forehead. Someone was holding his hand, stroking the skin gently. A body the same size as his own was nestled snugly against him with a hand laid on his waist.
“I’m so damned sorry,” he whispered urgently to Brennan, crying already with profound regret, before even opening his eyes. “Oh god….”
“You’re okay,” Brennan murmured, not angry at all somehow. “That’s all that matters.”
“But, I left you.” He opened his eyes and saw his own face, and his own blue eyes staring back at him. The only notable difference was the wound on the lip, surrounded by an ugly bruise that stretched downward, over Brennan’s jaw. “I left you alone with him, when you had to be at least as scared as I was. I was such a coward, and you were so brave. Are you okay?”
“Now I am,” Brennan told him, holding onto Evan’s waist more tightly. “Worrying about you all day was so much worse than him walking in on us. But now you’re home. You’re here. Safe. So, screw Charlie. So what if he knows? I won’t give you up. Not for anyone. He can’t make this choice for us, Ev. He can scream or smack me around—”
“No, he can’t,” Alek said severely.
“But it won’t change the fact that I love you,” Brennan finished.
“What if Mom was still alive? What if she’d found out like that?”
“She already knows,” Brennan whispered. A pair of tears slipped down his cheeks and he angrily wiped them away. “She’s in a better place, somewhere she can watch over both of us. She knows, trust me. That’s something I’ve been living with for months.”
Evan finally glanced around, opening up his perception beyond the range of Brennan. Alek was lying on the bed with them in his old bedroom, behind Brennan. It was his fingers that were brushing lightly over Evan’s forehead and temple. Luka was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding Evan’s right hand.
“Jimmy…” Evan murmured, piecing it together, or trying to.
“He found you,” Luka said. “Then called us. Alek and I went with him to get you from the shelter and carried you home while Bren stayed here with Carter and Presley, where we knew he’d be safe. You were worn right out, baby. Jimmy was there today for Brennan. Brennan ran to his place, afterward. Jimmy let him in, gave him something to wear, let him get cleaned up and took care of his lip.”
“I understand why you’ve always felt safe with him,” Brennan admitted. “He knew about us, but he didn’t judge me for it. He still took me in and treated me with respect. He’s a good guy.”
Evan felt the love of the three of them washing over him. The combined focus of their care, their worry and attention was intense, and unlike anything he’d experienced before. It was different than when he was in the hospital, before he’d fallen completely in love with Luka. They were all in it together now. They belonged to each other and, in a lot of ways, it was the four of them against the world. He felt then, how his cowardice had hurt and scared all of them.
“He should have hit me. I deserve it,” he heard himself say.
“Hey,” Luka scolded. “Don’t say things like that. No child deserves to have their parent raise a hand to them, ever.”
“After what he saw, I can’t blame him. I just wish it had been me, instead.”
“No,” Brennan said sharply. “You’re done putting yourself in harm’s way. I couldn’t be there to save you at that bar, none of us could. But I’m glad I was there to keep Charlie away from you. All of us are here now, to protect and defend you any way that’s needed.”
Evan struggled to get up, shifting to a seated position, drawing fractionally away from the other three.
“I don’t blame him for being upset,” Evan murmured, the guilt overwhelming. “He’s not a bad person. Anyone would be upset, seeing their kids like that. It wasn’t fair to him.”
“Fair?! He picked the lock! He barged in without knocking!” Brennan argued, sitting up as well.
“Bren, he’s only ever had to deal with me, and look at what I’ve put him through. I was in a fucking mental ward for months! Of course he’s gonna pick a lock if he suspects something’s going on! We were careless. It doesn’t matter. It’s done.”
“What do you want to do?” Alek asked. “Where do we go from here?”
Evan sat back against the headboard and thought about it.
“I meant what I said about getting our own place,” Alek added. “You can both stay here until we find something. There’s no reason for either of you to go back to that house.”
“He’s been trying to call,” Luka said, looking right at Evan. “Charlie. He’s desperate to speak to you. Alek and Bren won’t answer, but I can’t help it. He’s your dad, Ev. He doesn’t want to lose you. Maybe you should talk to him. He’s remorseful about what he said to Bren, and for lashing out. Spent most of the night at the bar where you were
attacked, from the sound of it, getting wasted. He’s at Jimmy’s now, trying to beat a nasty hangover.”
“I don’t know,” Evan sighed. “I need coffee. Food. Something. I need to think about it. It’s just… a lot.”
“No problem,” Alek replied, trying on a smile. “Whatever you need, okay?”
They brought up a tray laden with food and coffee, and gave Evan some space to eat and wake up. He took another shower once his stomach was pleasantly full, and was surprised to find a bag packed for him when he got out, stocked with essentials and some clothes. It amazed him how the other three had managed to be so thoughtful and practical while he’d been reduced to blind, selfish impulses. He tried to imagine Alek or Luka packing it for him, possibly braving an encounter with Charlie to do it. Alek, Luka, and Brennan had all been so brave. It just made Evan feel like that much more of a screw-up.
When he was finally dressed, Evan retrieved his cell phone, left for him on Alek’s nightstand.
He dialed and brought the phone to his ear.
“Evan, thank you for calling. How are you?” Jimmy said as soon as he picked up.
“Fine. Weird, but fine. I kind of feel like the biggest jerk in the world. Is he there?”
“Yes.”
“Can you let me know when he’s gone? I’d like to come over, but I can’t see him yet.”
“Yeah, I’ll give you a call. Shouldn’t be long. You’re more than welcome to stay here as long as you need to. You know that.”
Evan took a moment to ask himself if he did want that or not, to stay with Jimmy. One thing was certain; Evan couldn’t go back home, even if Charlie left. He could never stay in his old bedroom again without reliving those awful seconds where everything he never thought could happen, had. It didn’t feel safe anymore. But if not there, where could he go? Alek and Luka’s house was already packed with people. There was nowhere to get away to, no privacy or respite from the endless pit of guilt making him nauseous. And though he felt secure and at ease with Alek and Luka, Evan wasn’t sure he was ready to defend his relationship with Brennan, even to people like Carter or Presley. He didn’t have the will to lie or pretend, either.