by Lynn Kelling
At least, if Evan stayed with Jimmy just until he’d gotten over the shock of Charlie finding out, he could let down his guard for a little while. Jimmy already knew everything. It was a huge step to commit to living with Alek, Luka, and Brennan indefinitely. A few days in a familiar place to make up his mind about it, and the repercussions, seemed to be the best course of action when so much was in turmoil.
“You mean it?”
“I do.”
“I just… I can’t go back to that house. I’ll just keep seeing….” Screaming, violence, fear, shame. “Bad shit. And being here…. I love them so much, but it’s like jumping out of one fire and into another. I don’t know if I’m ready to commit to this yet, but it feels like my only option. I mean, I have no space of my own here, no privacy, and even before Charlie arrived, there’d been tension, arguments, and…. Two days ago, I had a house, a bedroom, and now….”
“It’s not your only option. Come. Stay here for a few days if it’ll help. It’s not a big deal and it might help you get some perspective.”
“Okay. Thanks. Can I ask you one thing, before I go?”
“Of course.”
“Bren and Dad… is it hopeless? I can’t stand the thought of them hating each other forever because of me.”
“They made these choices on their own, Evan. I know I keep thinking of you and Brennan as kids, but you’re not, really. You’re adults. Both Brennan and Charlie are adults. You’re not responsible for the behavior of other people. If they each make the effort to resolve this, it can happen. It’s not hopeless.”
“Good. Thanks,” Evan smiled.
“I’ll call you in a few.”
“Thanks Jimmy.”
Evan found Luka, Alek and Brennan downstairs, speaking in hushed voices but all of them looking worried. They stopped speaking and turned his way as he made his way down the stairs and into the living room. Did they already know? Sense it somehow? Was his pattern of selfishness really that apparent? They’d spent a whole day searching for him when he took off, and here he was, doing it again the next day.
The amount of self-hatred he felt in that moment was crippling.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Luka smiled.
“Good. Um,” Evan glanced around. “I guess Bren is going to be staying here then.”
“Yeah,” Brennan nodded. “Since Luka’s the one who’s started a dialogue with Charlie, he’s going to work out a time for me to go move out my things. I don’t want to go back there alone when I could possibly run into him, not if he’s still upset. I’ll put most of my stuff in storage until we get a lease on a place.”
Anxiety crawled under Evan’s skin, creeping up his chest to squeeze his throat. It was all happening too fast. It all felt so final. He couldn’t help remembering how distraught Brennan had been after his first failed attempt to connect with their father. Maybe he was just jumping to conclusions to avoid more drama, but if Brennan and Charlie stopped communicating entirely, he knew they might never find a way to start again. It was possible their already fractured family was shattered permanently. “But it’s not… it’s not hopeless. Yeah, Charlie was upset, but it doesn’t mean you two can’t ever—”
“It kind of does, Ev,” Brennan argued. “He can’t un-see what he saw, and I won’t deny my relationship with you to him, now that he knows about it. It’s out. I’ve made my choice. The things he said to me, the way he practically disowned me for touching you… that was worse than being hit. He’s still trying to make all of this my fault, like I’m maliciously trying to hurt you. I’m not ready to give him another chance, or know if I ever will.”
“But,” Evan said, stumbling over the words, glancing at each of them. “There has to be something I can do to fix this. I don’t want to lose him completely. I barely have him now and we already lost Mom. Maybe if we try, if he tries… it won’t have to be forever?”
They said nothing. Alek bowed his head, averted his eyes. Luka did too, after a moment. Brennan never looked away but was just as stubborn as their father. If his mind was made up, and Charlie’s as well, maybe it really was done, their relationship ended before it ever really had a chance to begin. But where did that leave Evan? His survival and stability had always depended on Charlie. Would Brennan even want Evan to attempt to salvage things with their father, or would Evan be forced to choose between them? Was there even really a choice at all?
“Okay. I guess there’s nothing else to say then. Um, I’m leaving.”
“What?” Alek said, sounding alarmed, his gaze locking onto Evan. “No, we only just found you a few hours ago!”
“No, that’s not what I meant. I’m not running. Not anymore. I’m just… confused, and scared, I guess. I appreciate the offer to let me stay here for a while, but I can’t. I need to let some of the dust settle and try to figure things out. I don’t think choosing to live together indefinitely is a decision we should make when we’re all upset for different reasons. Things have been… rocky… with us. All of us. The fighting between you and Luka; Luka and I had a fight the day before Dad got here, too; me with just trying to get back to functioning normally and working again now that I’m healing; and now betraying my father who did everything he could for me, all by himself… It’s too much. I can’t even separate things in my head anymore, or figure out how I feel about specific things. I’m just upset.
“I need to stay with Jimmy for a few days, and get my head straight. I love all of you so much… Aleksy, Luka, Bren… but this is my whole life. I need to make sure whatever I decide to do from here on out is the best choice. I made a really bad decision once. I gave up, stopped trying, and I know now what I stand to lose. I don’t want to lose anyone anymore, not if I can help it. Can you just give me a few days? Please?”
Brennan was crying again, softly. He hugged himself and Luka went to sit beside him on the couch, slinging an arm around his shoulders. Alek stood, still staring at Evan, pleading for impossible things without any words at all.
“We need you,” Alek told him quietly.
“It’s just a few days.”
Alek nodded, looking defeated.
Evan retrieved his bag from upstairs. As he slung the strap over his shoulder, his phone rang. Jimmy told him the coast was clear. Evan let him know he was on his way.
When he came back downstairs, Brennan was waiting at the foot of the stairs. His gaze was trained on his bare feet. Alek and Luka stood just behind him, protective as ever. Evan kissed Brennan’s forehead, promising, “I’ll call soon. No more running. Cross my heart. I’m here whenever you need me.”
He briefly embraced Alek and Luka in turn. Each of them whispered, “Love you.”
“Love you too,” he told them.
“Evan?” Brennan called in a weak voice, tears streaming down his face, his nose red from crying. Evan felt his heart break a little, to see him like that. “I love you, too.”
His voice broke on the words and Evan went to him, kissing his lips, drying his eyes. “Keep an eye on these two for me,” Evan told his brother. “You know right where I’ll be, anytime you need anything. Okay?”
Brennan nodded, looking miserable. Evan walked out to his car, which was parked in front of the house, going before he lost his resolve and ability to leave at all.
Chapter 25
Incomplete
“Can I ask one thing?” Jimmy said, breaking the silence that had lasted most of the day since Evan had temporarily moved into the trailer. Evan was sitting at the table, holding a glass of tap water and staring blankly into space.
“Mm,” he hummed in answer, not even blinking.
“Can I just ask why?”
The question hung there, between them. The silence swallowed it up. In his mind’s eye, Evan was tied to the bed, lust drunk, and Brennan was atop him, thrusting. Time skipped forward and Charlie was just beyond the bed, revolted and furious. The back of Charlie’s hand knocked against Brennan’s mouth all over again and the memory of his sweet brother’s expres
sion of heartbroken betrayal cut Evan deeply.
It was too much to sift through, too many layers.
He had no good answer for Jimmy.
“Just because,” Jimmy started, still trying, always trying. “Charlie said, from your… positions… it looked like Brennan was doing the… touching, and there were marks on your body. I’m doing my best to be understanding here, Evan. I truly am.”
“Okay, first off, it wasn’t Brennan doing anything. It was us. Asleep. Me and him, together. Anything else that may or may not have happened isn’t anyone else’s business. We’re independent, self-sufficient adults. Brennan didn’t start anything or lure me into anything.” Evan sighed, blowing out the anger, and shook his head. In a meeker, calmer voice, he said, “I don’t know what else to say… He’s the rest of me, Jimmy. He’s everything I never had and always needed. Can’t you see that? I’m nothing without him. I’m a dead boy in the grass. I’m the lost one. When I’m loving him, I feel whole in ways I never thought possible. He makes me glad to be alive.”
Jimmy lifted his hand to brush his eyes with his fingertips and Evan looked up to find him crying. Jimmy, who was always so strong, would always be back there, years in the past, trying to save him, just as part of Evan would always be back there, too, giving up all over again. Once a choice that big had been made, there was no taking it back. It would always be, and it would always hurt.
It was terrible to see Jimmy cry.
“It’s just flesh, Jimmy. It’s trying to feel not so alone and needing to be wanted. I gave my body to anyone who was interested in it, for a long time. You know all about that. The kids my age… they alienated me, harassed me. I was too scared to try to make any sort of connection with them. The first person to touch me in a sexual way was a twenty-eight year old man named Drew who was a friend of my father’s. He’d stopped by the house one day when Charlie happened to be out, because Charlie was always out. Drew was the first person to make me feel like maybe I wasn’t doomed to be totally alone, and maybe there were other guys out there who wanted the same things I did, but… I was thirteen! Every time Drew came to see me, I was so glad. But looking back on it now?” Evan’s expression twisted as disgust and shame swelled like sickness inside his gut. “Is loving Brennan really worse than that? I let predatory older men stick their hands in my pants in dirty bathrooms and alleyways, long before I was legal. They’d play with my dick or suck me off. That’s what loneliness drove me to. That’s the awful part. Brennan isn’t the worst of it. He’s the best. There are no boundaries between us. We’re the same person, pulled in two. Letting him love me is… completion. His love makes me glad you brought me back. It’s one of the few things that does.”
Jimmy sat down on the other side of the table. He reached out and took Evan’s hand, holding it. His eyes overflowed with tears and hurt, but the simple act of linking their hands felt like forgiveness.
“When you’re that lonely,” Evan continued, needing to say all of it, to be rid of it, finally. “You’ll do anything to make it go away. There’s a lot I shouldn’t have done, so much to regret. I regret that night, you know.”
“Don’t,” Jimmy pleaded, closing his eyes. It said a lot, Evan thought, that Jimmy knew what he meant so quickly.
“I regret putting you in that position. It wasn’t fair.”
Jimmy’s gaze shifted to the door of the trailer’s only bedroom, and Evan knew he was there again, too, when Evan’s last hope of finding something normal and good had slipped away. It had been the final straw, though he would never say so to Jimmy. Maybe he didn’t need to.
“I just wanted you to love me, you know? I was a stupid kid. You’re a good man, Jimmy.”
Evan’s gaze fell from Jimmy’s downcast eyes to their linked hands. It had only been a smile, an attempt to kiss, to touch. So innocent, but not. Evan had been fourteen. There was no way Jimmy could have understood how much the rejection hurt, coming from the one man who’d never let him down before.
“Have you told them about that?” Jimmy asked in a pale imitation of his normal, robust voice.
“No. There’s no reason to. It’s the past. It’s gone.”
Jimmy nodded subtly. “With Brennan, was it as bad as Charlie assumed?”
“Probably,” Evan said defensively. “So what? It wasn’t one night, or one time. It’s a feeling, not an act.”
Reading into Jimmy’s expression, Evan laughed, but it was a cold sound. “You two think this is his fault. It’s not. What do I need to say so Brennan stops being the scapegoat? This isn’t something he made me do! I did this. I wanted it. I begged for it. Charlie fucking punched Brennan in the mouth for touching me when I needed so badly for him to touch me! And you, the look on your face right now…. I’m not the victim. I’m in this.”
“Who started it?”
“Me,” Evan said simply. “I got hard. Bren noticed. He thought I’d try to off myself out of guilt. He was terrified of that, so he countered my boner with a kiss. Hell of a kiss. Kind of a slippery slope after that.”
Evan sipped his water. There was more air to clear, though. “You told Charlie about the twins, how Bren and I were having sex with both of them. Dad knew. It was one of the things that came out of his mouth when he found me and Bren in bed.”
“I was concerned,” Jimmy argued.
“Mmm,” Evan hummed skeptically. “You know, if you’re ever jealous of the people I choose to trust instead of you, you can just say so. Our relationship’s all about honesty, right, Jimmy?”
“You done?” It sounded tired, beaten down.
“Maybe,” Evan replied, feeling equally exhausted by it all.
“If you do this, and move in with them, you know how difficult and complicated that will be, right? That’s a lot for someone your age to sign up for.”
“Maybe I can handle it. Maybe all I’ve been missing is a family who won’t abandon me and need me as much as I need them.”
Jimmy just stared at him with an unreadable expression, so Evan drank his water and went back to enjoying the silence. Sometimes words did more harm than good.
Three nights had passed since Evan had gone to stay with Jimmy. For each of them, Brennan had slept with Luka in his room while Alek was left on his own. If Brennan happened to wake during the night, he usually saw Alek’s bedroom light on, across the hall. Come morning, it was clear the sleepless night had taken its toll on Alek. Each subsequent sleepless night only made things worse. Soon, he had bags under his eyes. His attention lapsed often, enough that Brennan began to worry about him driving to work, so Brennan insisted on driving him there and picking him up. His temper was short and he was never in the mood to talk.
It was close to eleven p.m. when Brennan went up to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. Luka appeared in the bathroom doorway, leaning against it while Alek shuffled past with a laptop in hand. He never seemed to cease his search for the right apartment for them. It was like he’d resolved not to rest until the task was complete.
“So look, he’s been in rough shape, right?” Luka said under his breath to Brennan, nodding in Alek’s direction. “Maybe just for tonight, I’ll sleep next to him and see if it helps, but only if it’s okay with you. I know you don’t have insomnia issues, so if you think you could get by just for one night, so Alek can get sleep….”
He sounded so hopeful, Brennan knew he couldn’t say no, as much as he didn’t like the idea of sleeping alone, either.
Nothing had been the same since Evan had left. Their foursome had been revolving around him since he was attacked at the bar, so now that they were missing him, their little group was noticeably disjointed. Alek was snapping. Luka was increasingly worried about his brother and drawing into himself. There was no lightheartedness or joy. It was just getting through the day, wasting time until Evan’s return, and it was awful. Part of Brennan had been angry since Evan left, and it was the part of him that felt he and Luka should have been able to be self-sufficient as a couple, like he once thou
ght they were. Now, they’d become too dependent upon their brothers to feel normal alone.
“Yeah. Fine.”
“You don’t sound like it’s fine. Should we all cram into one bed?”
“No,” Brennan sighed. “You’re right. He needs you. Go on. It’s just one night.”
Luka smiled. He came up and held the side of Brennan’s face in his hand, brushing the skin gently with the pad of his thumb. Leaning in closer, Luka closed his eyes. Brennan frowned. He watched as Luka tilted Brennan’s chin up and kissed him lingeringly.
“I know what you’re doing.”
Luka straightened, letting go and looking confused. “What am I doing?”
“You’re pretending I’m him.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Why are you denying it? Just admit that you miss him!”
“You’re being paranoid.”
“Paranoid. Remember last night? I was on my hands and knees with your dick up my ass and you moaned his name.”
That stopped him. Luka flushed with embarrassment and Brennan could see the wheels turning in his head, trying to remember.
“What’s going on?” Alek demanded, looking disappointed in them for disturbing his diligent scanning of the rental listings. “Stop arguing.”
“You’re not the boss of us,” Brennan snapped.
“What’s wrong with you? What’s your problem with Luka?”
“He keeps pretending I’m Evan.”
“You’re crazy,” Luka said, trying to laugh it off.
“He called me Evan while he was fucking me.”
“When were you fucking him?” Alek asked Luka.
“Last night,” Brennan said.
“I didn’t go to bed until four in the morning. I was right across the hall, by myself, and here the two of you are, nice and cozy. Just because it’s the three of us instead of four doesn’t mean I cease to exist, you know.”