by Lynn Kelling
Brennan could see how hurt Alek was. It was in the shape of his eyes, the softness of his voice, and it made Brennan feel like the biggest asshole on the planet, so he pushed the bad feelings the other way, getting angry instead of going anywhere near his suffocating, intense remorse.
“Say his name. Say Evan,” Brennan dared Alek. “You haven’t even said it in, like, days.”
“You are crazy,” Alek replied, not giving in to the bait.
“It’s bad enough I see him doing it,” Brennan ranted, letting out some of the frustration that had been building inside him. “You really think I want both of you double teaming me while I’m just your stand-in for the guy you really want? I know you can’t fuck me without thinking about him, Aleksy.” .
“He’s not dead, he’s just not here,” Alek growled. “Just because we miss him doesn’t mean we don’t care about you, you know.”
“Say his name!”
“No!”
“What if he had died? You’d become a total psycho wouldn’t you? You’d probably ask me to dress up like him and everything.”
“He’s not dead!”
“STOP!” Luka yelled, holding his head in his hands. “Jesus H. You,” he pointed at Brennan. “Cool off. And you,” he took Alek by the shoulders and led him to bed. “Need some fucking sleep.”
A half hour later, Brennan was lying in Luka’s bed, alone. He didn’t even know why he’d said those things to Alek and Luka. He was as bad as Charlie, vomiting up shitty verbal barbs to make other people feel bad, just so he wasn’t the only one in pain.
A Popovic-shaped figure crept to the bedside over the creaky floorboards, and it took Brennan an embarrassingly long time to decide it was, in fact, Luka. He knew if the tables were turned, and one of the Popovic twins was away, he’d be tempted to fantasize once in a while to fill the huge gap left behind. He couldn’t blame them for doing the same thing.
Luka sat on the bed and leaned down to give Brennan a kiss. One of his hands cradled the side of Brennan’s head. “He’s out like a light,” Luka whispered. “Are you okay? I’m sorry about the Evan stuff.”
“No, I’m sorry. I’m fine. Go back to Alek. It’s obviously helping him to have you there.”
Luka sighed and looked longingly back at the doorway. “But you need me, too. I really am sorry if I called you the wrong name last night. It was late, and I must have just been really tired—”
Brennan groaned, blushing. “Don’t. I lied.”
“What?”
“I lied, okay? I admit it. You didn’t call me Evan, but you have been acting weird and—”
But Luka was already standing up and was clearly pissed off. “You lied? Why would you lie about that?!” he hissed, trying to keep his voice down, despite his heightened emotions.
“I just wanted you to admit you do it! That you pretend I’m him!”
“Do you pretend I’m Alek?” Luka countered.
“No!”
“Then why do you think I’d do it?! I don’t pretend you’re Evan!”
“At least you can say his name. That makes one of you.”
Luka closed his eyes and held up his hands. “I quit. I’m done. We’ll talk in the morning, but for now, just go to sleep. I love you, but you’re still being crazy. Good night.”
“’Night,” Brennan grumbled.
Luka left the room. Brennan continued to stare at the ceiling.
A few hours passed. Still, Brennan couldn’t fall asleep.
It was stupid, really. There was no reason for him to keep lying there like that, so he got up and slipped on one of Luka’s sweatshirts. He scrawled a note and left it on the empty bed, took a set of Luka’s keys and tiptoed out of the room, down the hall and right out the door.
Evan’s phone buzzed. He had it on silent mode, since sometimes Brennan or Alek would text him in the middle of the night about stupid shit and after it woke Jimmy the first time it happened, Evan learned to at least turn his phone’s volume all the way down.
It was Brennan. The message was strange enough to cause Evan to sit bolt-upright in bed, instantly.
‘I’m outside.’
“What the fuck?”
He climbed out of the trailer’s fold-out bed. The door was only a handful of feet away. He opened it to find Brennan, standing there in a sweatshirt that was at least fifteen sizes too big for him, in the pitch black, in the middle of the night.
“I couldn’t sleep,” was all he said, shivering.
“Get your crazy ass in here,” Evan said, waving him in before the cold blew all the way through the trailer and woke Jimmy.
“Stop calling me crazy!” Brennan hissed.
“That’s the first time I have!”
Brennan wound his arms around Evan’s neck, leaning into him, and moaned softly. “God, I’ve missed you. It’s been awful. Nothing works the way it should without you.”
“Come on. If you’re tired, then sleep,” Evan said, pulling Brennan’s arms off of him and guiding him to the bed.
Brennan kicked off his sneakers and lay down. Evan lay next to him and wrapped an arm around Brennan. It soothed an ache in Evan’s heart. Comfortable and peaceful at last, he was quickly asleep with Brennan snoring gently in his arms.
Jimmy emerged from his bedroom to a surprise. He had no way of telling when Brennan had arrived during the night, but there he was, sleeping fully clothed next to Evan, who was dressed in a t-shirt and pajama pants. They actually looked sort of sweet together, with Brennan held snugly inside Evan’s embrace like a beloved teddy bear. There was nothing obscene about it. They just looked like two young men who loved each other very much.
For long minutes, Jimmy stood there, taking in the sight of them like that. He tried to imagine how, in different circumstances, with less clothing, for instance, such a sight could make someone angry enough to scream and become violent with the boys in that bed, but he couldn’t make the leap. As much as he might have privately disapproved of their relationship, he couldn’t deny what was right in front of his eyes.
But he had to leave in order to get to the shelter before breakfast was ready to be served, so he wrote a note explaining where he’d gone and left it on the table for them, then silently slipped out.
“He’s gone.”
Luka held up the note for Alek, who was still lying in bed.
“What do you mean, gone?”
“I mean, he’s not in there.”
“When did he leave?” Alek asked, sounding worried and scowling at the paper like it was the cause of Brennan’s disappearance rather than the explanation for it.
‘Went to Ev’ was all it said.
“Don’t know. The truck’s gone.”
“Jesus,” Alek groaned. “You think he was there all night?”
“Maybe.”
“Jimmy would really let them sleep together like that?”
“Guess so.”
“You know what this means, right?”
“Yeah,” Luka said, nodding, feeling his heart start to beat harder as dread set in. “If we’re not careful, we’ll lose both of them.”
Chapter 26
Time to Choose
It was Jimmy who arranged the meeting. Brennan had been the hardest to convince, but Evan knew he had powerful sway over his brother’s emotions and played them to his advantage, since it was an emergency. Jimmy made the calls, figuring out how to get Evan, Brennan, and Charlie to sit down together at his trailer for a supervised talk while he lingered nearby, just in case.
Alek and Luka were there, too, at a distance, waiting by Alek’s truck.
Evan sat next to Brennan, across the picnic table from Charlie. Things were tense and awkward, to say the least. There was a cigarette in Evan’s hand, and that seemed the focus of most of their collective attention. Evan didn’t care. The nicotine was helping him stay level and kept his anxiety manageable. He tapped ashes into the glass dish he’d brought out for that purpose and asked, “Well?”
“I’m so
rry for what I said, and for hitting you, Brennan,” Charlie said. It sounded pulled from him against his will and sincere at the same time. Evan puzzled over this as he set the filter of the cigarette between his lips and inhaled.
“Do you have to?” Brennan said to Evan without looking his way.
“Today? Yes,” Evan answered.
“Fine.” Redirecting his attention to their father, he said, “You’re not going to get an apology from us, if you’re waiting for one. You’re not getting an explanation either. You can either accept us as we are or say goodbye. Your call.”
“You mind?” Charlie said to Evan, indicating the cigarette. Evan passed it over and let Charlie take a drag. Then he passed it back. “Thanks.”
“Yep.”
“I, uh,” Charlie started. “I found some videos in a box in the house, Brennan, of you and Maggie. There were some swim meets in there. A few holidays. There was even one of your prom. That was, uh…” he sniffled, blinked bloodshot eyes clear as they watered. “That was hard to watch, far gone as she was then. But it was important for me to see those. I’m sorry I didn’t ask permission from you first, and I’m sorry I didn’t knock, but none of this is easy for me either. I love you boys. You’re all I have. And I wish I could save you from this. I wanted better for you. So much better.”
“We’ve both wanted better our whole lives,” Brennan shot back. Evan just smoked his cigarette and watched a hawk circle overhead.
“The four of you are together in this?”
“Yes.”
“Well.” He sighed. “I can’t lose you. Either of you. I hate this, but I don’t have a choice here. I’m just going to say… if you’d consider talking to someone, like a therapist, in confidence, it would make me feel a lot better. I’ll happily cover the cost. Life won’t be easy for any of you if this is the way you’re going with it. Secrets don’t keep forever, trust me. But I’m your father and I will always be here for you, no matter what.”
He gave it a moment to sink in.
Then, he asked, looking mostly at Brennan, “Okay?”
“Okay,” Brennan agreed, still sounding defensive.
“Brennan, you’re still planning on going to school?”
Reluctantly providing the information, Brennan said, “Yes. I’m working on applying for next term.”
“Good. I’d be willing to help you compare schools, or cover the cost. Just keep me posted. Keep me, you know—in the loop.”
Brennan nodded, picking at his nails and looking unsure of himself. Time slowed down. Evan could feel Charlie watching them both, sitting there, side by side. It made him want to cry. It was awful.
Suddenly, it all became too overwhelming. A choked sob was overloud in the stillness.
“Oh, my boys,” Charlie cried, covering his mouth, losing his grip on the pain and letting it all spill over. “My beautiful boys. I’m so sorry.”
He came around the table and desperately gathered Brennan up in his arms, gripping him tightly to his chest like he could pull him that way out of his life, out of circumstances and into a safer place. Trembling, vision blurring with tears, Evan had to look away.
“I’m so sorry!” Charlie moaned. It was a heartbroken sound pulled from the core of his being, beyond all of the tragic mistakes which could never be undone.
Then Evan was up and stumbling away from the table. Alek caught him first, holding him as he broke down in powerful, hitching tears.
“It’s okay. You’re okay, baby. You’re okay,” Alek murmured lovingly as Evan wrung out the hurt.
He was pulled away from Alek. Charlie had gathered him up instead and again made that terrible, terrified, tear-choked plea, “I’m sorry, Evan.”
“Me too,” Evan whispered. He saw Luka holding Brennan, whose eyes were dry but skin pale as death. The cigarette had fallen to the grass and lay there, smoldering.
The meeting with Charlie had rattled them as much as it had helped. But, life went on and still Evan stayed away. Alek had work. Luka did too. Left behind at the house, Brennan spent some time with Carter and Presley.
The next evening, Alek got home from work before his brother. He had a text message on his phone from Evan, promising to call once he was done his shift at the garage.
Dropping his coat by the door, Alek followed the sound of music to Carter’s bedroom.
Inside, sat Brennan and Carter, huddled around a guitar perched on Brennan’s lap. Carter helped Brennan align his fingers on the strings as he played one chord, then another. While Carter sang a lyric from one of his songs, Brennan joined in, harmonizing with him. Carter’s voice was stronger, and fuller. Brennan’s voice was raspier, softer and low, but good.
Alek smiled to himself in the doorway, listening in, hoping not to be noticed. Too quickly, Carter looked up, seeing Alek there. Brennan stopped singing abruptly, embarrassed.
“Your twang comes out when you sing,” Alek grinned.
“My twang? Oh, fantastic,” Brennan said, handing the guitar back to Carter, murmuring, “Thanks.”
Brennan stood and raked his fingers through his blond hair.
“You don’t have to stop,” Alek told him. “I’ve gotta go get changed anyway. For the record, I love your twang.”
Alek chuckled when Brennan rolled his eyes and hunched his shoulders with even more embarrassment.
“You’re good, Bren,” Carter said. “With some practice you could be great.”
“Yeah, we’ll see. It was fun though,” he smiled at Carter. “Can we pick this up again later?”
“Absolutely. Everything okay with Evan?” Like everyone else, Carter was helplessly noticing who’d been missing, an absence which had been causing tension in the house for days on end.
Alek opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out. No words fit the great helplessness he felt. “I’d rather not talk about it. I hope so.”
“If there’s anything I can do…” Carter offered.
”Thanks, man.” He stood back and let Brennan through the door. “Maybe give him a call sometime, talk about normal, stupid shit. Might be good for him to be reminded he’s got people wondering about him.”
“No problem.”
Giving Carter a grateful, tired smile, Alek began walking to the stairs. Brennan was waiting at the bottom for him. Taking Brennan’s hand, Alek brought him along. Once they were in Alek’s room, immediately Alek started unbuttoning his dress shirt and searched for a clean t-shirt to wear instead. Brennan sat cross-legged on the bed, watching.
“So, darlin’, how was your day? What’d ya do?”
Brennan warmed at that and said, “I did more research on the best nursing programs in the area. Actually, Charlie helped a little bit. I guess he’s been spending his free time driving and calling around, collecting brochures and applications and stuff. He dropped them all off, gave them to Carter. It gave me a great place to start, at least. It was the most normal father/son-y thing that’s happened lately.”
Brennan smirked, biting at a thumb. “I also got some of those videos back from him that he was talking about. I wound up watching a couple. There was one of a talent show at my high school. A couple of friends and I had a band for a while and we played. It got me reminiscing. When I told Carter about it, he said we should play. Anyhow, um, what else….”
Alek slipped out of his trousers and stepped into some jeans.
“Oh, the prom video. Tommy, my ex, was my date, technically, I guess. We didn’t really make a spectacle of ourselves, we just went together. But before the prom, when I was waiting for Tommy to pick me up, I set up the camera on a tripod and put on some music and danced with Mom. Like Charlie said, she wasn’t doing too well at that point. She was really weak, so I had to kind of hold her up, but she was so happy, just dancing with me. I couldn’t watch the video. I just kind of held the disc, as weird as that sounds, and thought about that day. It was nice to remember her being so happy.”
Brennan stared at his lap, his fingers twisting together.
Blinking up at Alek, Brennan paused before putting his hand in Alek’s and letting him pull him off the bed. “What are you doing?”
Alek didn’t answer. He wrapped a hand around Brennan’s waist and kept the other linked with Brennan’s hand, pulling him closer until they were chest-to-chest. They eased into movement, just a slight swaying back and forth.
“You don’t have to.”
“I know,” Alek said. “I want to.”
They continued dancing long after the song ended, with Brennan’s lips pressed against the front of Alek’s shoulder. Alek’s nose was buried in the silky strands of Brennan’s hair, breathing in the scent of him.
“You’re not even going to try to take advantage of me?” Brennan teased, some of the words being muffled against Alek’s shirt.
“Not today,” Alek told him, tightening his grasp on Brennan’s hand, caressing the side of it with his thumb.
Alek heard footsteps ascending the stairs, approaching his room. The door was open but, at first, he paid it no mind. After Alek had become aware of his brother’s form in the hall, leaned against the doorframe, he glanced Luka’s way without interrupting the dance.
Luka smiled with love, tenderness, and sadness in his eyes. He pushed his hand into a front pants’ pocket and rested his head against the trim of the door, seemingly mesmerized by the easy affection between Brennan and Alek. Alek smiled back.
“You wanna join us?” Alek asked.
“Nah, I wouldn’t wanna butt in.”
Brennan turned, seeing Luka for the first time. “Hey.”
“Hey, baby.”
“Dance with us,” Brennan coaxed, beckoning Luka with a meaningful glance.
Luka gave in, and walked over to them. Coming up behind Brennan, Luka pressed against him, wrapping his arm around Brennan’s smaller form to Alek’s waist and closing up Alek and Brennan’s clasped hands in his own. Sandwiched between them, Brennan chuckled and grinned hugely, letting his head lean back against Luka’s chest as he tilted his chin up for a chaste kiss from Alek. Then Alek gave Luka a small kiss as well, though there was a bit more urgency in it.